August. 2 a.m.
Schneider's Apartment.
School started back up and I hate it. I can't do good enough anyways. The only time my dad really talks to me is to tell me I need to get my B up to an A. I guess I'm not good enough for them. I guess since I don't get straight A's I won't be as successful as them, whatever.
Shit. Now I'm having an anxiety attack.
Will I really bring shame to my family? I mean... Schneider is related to us, I don't think I'm that bad. (Jp, we love Schneider.)
I walked out of my bedroom, hyperventilating. All I need is water and I'll be good. I open the fridge and look for the water, but I can't find any. "Fuck!" I practically scream and slam the fridge.
"Bianca?" I see a tired Schneider walking out of his room. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
"You don't sound fine. What's wrong?" He asks again.
"Nothing! I'm fine. I just need to finish my homework." I yell. He seems shocked that I yelled at him I run my hand through my hair and sigh. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell."
"It's fine." He pats the seat next to him on the couch. "Talk to me."
I go sit next to him. "I'm freaking fourteen and I feel like I'm stressing about my electricity bill." I put my face in my hands. "And I feel like my parents want me to be this perfect daughter." I cry.
"And no one understands. I just wish I had people to relate to and someone to tell me I'm okay.
That I'm doing the best that I can. That I'm enough."
Schneider pulls me into a hug. "I can't really relate... But I think you're doing amazing. And who cares what your parents think? If they love you, they'll be happy with what they've got."
"Thanks, Schneider." I sniffle and smile.
"And, about that relating to thing... I think I know what might help." He says.
•••
Thursday. 3 p.m.
I walk into the Teens Center with Schneider, feeling my social anxiety kick in. I think I'm only good at talking to strangers when they're mean. I can't control my mouth then.
"Alright. They're right over there." Schneider points to the group of teens. "I'll be here in an hour to pick you up. Call or text me if anything." He hugs me and leaves.
I walk over to the group of teens. "Hi." A nice looking lady says. "Welcome to group therapy."
"Hi." I smile nervously. "What's your name?" The lady asks. I feel a whole bunch of eyes on me and I start fumbling with my words.
"U-um, I- Um."
"Here. I'll go first." The lady says. "I'm Ms. Shanosky." (Shu-nos-key)
I wave. "I'm Bianca. I'm new."
"Well, welcome. Any other new members?" Ms. Shanosky looks around. No one raises their hand.
"I'm here. Sorry, I'm late." I hear a familiar voice say. I look up and see Mac. "Bianca. I didn't know you came to these!" He exclaimed, walking over and hugging me. I smile and tell him it's my first time coming.
"So, this week's discussion will be about getting over those feelings of hatred for someone or something." Ms. Shanosky said. "A lot of you guys stress is due to built up anger. It's always better to let it out the right way."
"Like what?" A boy asks.
"Hmm. Maybe meditation. Or writing your feelings in a journal. Or even just ranting to a trusted person about how you're feeling." Ms. Shanosky passes around a packet. "This packet has a few ways of getting over things. Does anyone have an experience where they were mad and would like to share?"
"Once, I punched a hole in the wall because my parents took away my PS4." A kid said.
"One time, I slapped my brother for stealing my make up for his halloween shit." A girl complained. Everyone looked at me, begging for a story. "Don't worry, Bianca. This is a safe and friendly zone. No judgment in here."
I sigh. "When I get really mad, I get anxiety attacks, and that makes them worse. Most of the time I throw something or yell and scream."
"Those are all ways of un healthy comping mechanisms. And I'll help you find some new methods." Ms. Shanosky walks up to the board on the wall. "Do's and Don'ts." She writes in the board.
"What are some do's?" She asks.
"Joining sports. I joined volleyball. It helps." I say.
"Great. That's a great thing to do." She compliments me.
•••
I walk over to Schneider, who was waiting for me by the parking lot. "Hey how'd it go?" He asks. I just hug him.
"It was great. I want to go back next week." I say and we get in the car.
"We'll arrange for that to be a weekly thing then, right?" He asks. I nod and play some music.
I did like it there. It felt nice to hear other people going through similar situations. I didn't talk the whole time, but I'm starting to feel comfortable.
•••
I knock on the Alvarez's door. Alex opens it. "Hi." I smile and pull him in for a hug.
"Hey. Where've you been? You've been M.I.A. all day." He asks as we walk into his house and sit at the table.
"I went to group therapy." I smile. I don't know why I'm so proud.
"Really?" He asks. I nod and explain to him why. "That's awesome. Do you like it so far?"
"Yes! And I even saw Mac there. But don't tell people, I don't know if he wants people to know. And same for me. Let's keep this between us." I gesture to us. He nods.
"Of course."
"So..." I start.
"Hmm?" He hums.
"Meet me at the coffee shop downstairs in about half an hour." I tell him and give him a kiss on the cheek. I leave and he asks for what, but I don't answer.
I have an epic big ask in mind.