I am an Addict. I suffer from Chronic Addiction. I am so Addicted that I'll do anything just to have my fix, anything.
Though I'm aware of the fact that when I'm done with my episodes, I'll feel so fucking dejected and I'll feel the low.
In Addiction, there are high(s) and low(s). I'll be so fucking high on Adrenaline rush and determination -- determination I should put in other aspects of my life instead of wasting it on my Addiction-- that I'll do anything and everything to get my fix, and when I'm done, sated, I'll feel down, I'll feel the low, the feeling of dejection, of worthlessness, of hopelessness, I'll feel guilty, then I'll start to feel guilty for feeling guilty because I enjoyed it. I enjoyed my fix, and I'll do it again, over and over again, in a million times. I'm an Addict, that's what we do, and I shouldn't feel guilty.
An Addict is a person crying for help, yelling at the top of their lungs for help, crying in heart wrenching agony, begging for help, for a cure, a cure that doesn't involve me needing my fix, and this cure, this help, the aid, it's not forthcoming, So we Addicts need something called a Miracle, hopefully it still exists.
I don't know how to talk to Addicts like me, I can talk to depressed, cutters and suicidal people, but I can't talk to Addicts like me, all because I'm a Chronic Addict, A fucking hopeless Addict.
I could leave this shit I'm writing just to go get my fix, I really can. I have left important stuff, just to get my fix, I have ignored important calls, I have overlooked important texts/emails, all because I'm getting my fix.
I'm an Addict, it's something I'm ashamed of, something I hate, but still stupidly love at the same time, something I don't want my baby sister to ever battle with.
We've all been focusing on Depression, and we forget Addiction. Can you imagine someone with both Depression and Addiction, how hard life is for the person, how tiring it can get, I can imagine, because I've felt it, and I'm still feeling it, I'll probably feel it tomorrow too.
I fight my Depression, and I battle with my Addiction, sometimes I win, sometimes I don't. I fall into Depression, and into the willing hands of my Addiction, making me A Depressed Addict, beautiful recipe for suicide, Isn't it?, but I'm still here, that should count as something, right?.
______ ellie a.o.