CHRISTMAS DAY
I wake up suddenly, hearing a knock on the bedroom door. I sit up realising it is morning, it’s Christmas day. I didn’t sleep well last night, my eyes feel sore and swollen from my lack of sleep. I get up out of bed and drag myself over to the door. It feels weird waking up here for Christmas, I am used to being with Simon. I didn’t fancy flying to America this year and spending it with his family. I unlock the door and I find Louis stood at the other side. He looks nervous and I’m not surprised after last night.
The memories come flooding back to me from what he did and it makes me feel sick. The thought of him touching me and saying the things he did repulses me. I don’t mention last night and neither does he, neither of us wanting to make a scene. The last thing I want is Eleanor hearing us and finding out that her husband is a complete arsehole. I know she deserves to know the truth, but I’m certainly not going to be the one to tell her. It should be Louis who tells her if anyone.
“Erm Eleanor told me to wake you up” he says, darting his eyes all over the place, anywhere except on me.
“Ok thanks” I say, just wanting him to go away.
“Can we talk?” he asks quietly.
He checks behind him to make sure Eleanor isn’t near or that she can hear anything. I shake my head, I don’t want to talk to him. The last thing I want to do is relive what happened last night.
“Please” he begs.
“Ok two minutes” I say firmly.
I don’t want to give him any time, but I don’t want it to be awkward between us for the rest of the day. He follows me inside the bedroom and we both sit on the edge of the bed. I leave the door open, knowing it would look suspicious if we closed the door behind us and Eleanor came up.
“I’m sorry about last night, I was drunk” he tells me “I didn’t mean what I said about Eleanor, please don’t tell her” he pleads, staring at the floor.
Does he really think I would? I am embarrassed enough about it, so I’m hardly going to tell anyone.
“I wouldn’t do that!” I snap.
I am irritated with him and what he is saying to me. I can still see it though, the lust, which I had always mistaken as friendship and care. He never cared not for the right reasons, he always wanted something more and it was never going to be something I’d be willing to participate in.
“Thanks” he nods “If you did want to, me and you. I would, anytime”.
He looks away from me and I close my eyes, trying to pretend I haven’t heard him. How can he even say that after I clearly rejected him last night? He doesn’t say anything, he just stands up and he thankfully leaves without another word.
I stay sat on the bed, thinking about Louis and the things he said to me today and last night. I can’t believe he would even offer his advances to me again. I always thought of him as a big brother and all I can think now is our entire friendship has been based on a lie. It feels like he has only pretended to be my friend, so that eventually he could sleep with me. I honestly have no idea who he is or what our friendship meant to him.
I get up, deciding it is time to face the music. I stare at the bed for a moment, wishing I was waking up beside Harry. I really thought this Christmas we would be together, stupidly.
I go into the en-suite bathroom, showering and brushing my teeth. It doesn’t take me long to get ready. I just curl my hair loosely and put on some dark eye makeup. I wear some black skinny jeans, black heeled shoes and a red Christmas jumper. I finally look human, so I head downstairs to face Eleanor and Louis. My head still aches though, I shouldn’t have drank so much champagne. It always manages to give me a headache.
I find Eleanor in the kitchen, preparing the few things left for dinner later today. She smiles as she sees me and she rushes to me hugging me tightly.
“Merry Christmas” she smiles, kissing my cheek.
“Merry Christmas” I return.
I feel guilty, even though I have done nothing wrong. I push the guilt away, remembering I almost didn’t live to see this Christmas, so I’m not going to let anyone ruin it for me. She grabs my hand pulling me into the living room and she grabs a present from beneath the tree handing it to me. I smile and I open it eagerly. I open the present to reveal a white box and when I open it I see a beautiful pair of black heeled shoes. I squeal in delight at the expensive designer shoes, I have several different pairs similar, but these are limited addition.
“I love them” I tell her “Thank you”.
I hug her tightly and she seems genuinely happy that I like them. I go under the tree myself and I get out the present I bought for her. She smiles taking it from me and she quickly opens it. She squeals delighted, hugging me tightly. “I have wanted this for so long thank you” she gushes. I smile knowing she had wanted the expensive makeup brushes for ages, but she never got around to buying them.
“What did Louis get you?” I ask, once she has settled down.
“Nothing” she answers “We decided not to bother this year”.
I find that sad when you stop buying for your partner, I get it when you have children, but not when you just get married. I don’t want to say that to her, so I keep my lips buttoned. I can tell though she is bothered more than she is letting on to me. Louis walks in and he smiles as he sees me with my present beside me, I fake a smile at him.
“Do you like them?” he asks me.
I nod “Yes thank you” I walk to him and hug him, knowing it would be weird otherwise. I need to just act normal like nothing has happened.
“This is your present” I say getting the other gift from under the tree. I hand it to him and he takes it, opening it.
“Woah thanks love” he smiles, admiring the designer shirt I have bought him. He seems happy with his present, which pleases me.
We all settle in the living room and I feel uneasy being sat next to Louis. It was only last night that we were sat on this sofa and he tried to kiss me.
“You guys got a hangover?” Eleanor asks, smirking.
“Yep” Louis answers, tapping his long fingers against his knee.
Eleanor laughs and she tells me they have to go to Louis’ and her parents’ house for a little while. They invite me, but I decide to stay here. It will give me time to reflect on everything that has happened and I can ring Niall too.
***
The day goes by quickly and I spend much longer than I should have done on the phone to Niall. I miss him so much and it has only been a day. He makes me feel better by claiming he misses me too, but I’m not sure how much I believe him. I know he will be having way too much fun to even think about me.
The front door opens, Louis and Eleanor are back already. I end my call with Niall and they walk in, placing a large sack of presents down, which I assume are from their families.
“You have a nice time?” I ask.
“Yes” Eleanor says, rubbing the back of her neck.
She seems on edge and she goes off into the kitchen. Louis has a face like thunder and when I look at him questionably, he quickly smiles.
“Fancy a buck’s fizz?” he asks.
My headache has gone now and another drink sounds nice, so I nod. He walks into the kitchen and I follow him. Eleanor is stood by the oven, starting to prepare the meal. I sit down at the kitchen table, watching her and she seems miles away.
“Want a buck’s fizz?” Louis asks her.
She turns to him looking surprised and I see her eyes light up as she stares at him. She loves him so much, it feels cruel knowing what Louis is really like.
“Yes please” she smiles.
He gets three champagne flutes and fills them with champagne, before topping them up with orange juice. He passes Eleanor hers and she smiles happily at him, she seems like a different person all of a sudden. He passes me mine and takes a seat beside me at the table. I feel uncomfortable with how close he is to me, but I keep my mouth shut.
“Let’s make a toast” he says, holding his glass up and we both do the same.
“To good friends” he says to me and I feel his hand beneath the table lay on my lap.
I freeze, tensing up at his contact, but I can’t move him off without Eleanor noticing.
“And to love” Eleanor smiles, looking at Louis.
“To good friends and love” we all say in unison, clanging our glasses together.
I drink it in one, whereas Eleanor sips hers elegantly. She turns around to continue preparing the food and when she does, I knock Louis’ hand off him and he give him a stern look. He smirks, standing up walking to Eleanor. He wraps his arms around her waist and he kisses her neck lightly. She smiles, beaming at his touch, but the entire time he does it, he is looking at me. His eyes burn into me and I have to force a smile, pretending everything is normal. It couldn’t be any further from normal.
Everyone is due to arrive any minute, so I have spent the last hour getting ready. I have re-curled my hair and topped up my makeup. I have changed into a tight red dress, it has long sleeves, a plunging neck line and is about half way down my thigh. I decide to wear my new black heels, Louis and Eleanor bought me. I hear a knock on the door downstairs and I head out of the room, ready to greet everyone.
I walk down the stairs to see Liam and Sophia stood in the hallway, greeting Louis and Eleanor. Liam looks smart in tight black pants and a white shirt, which is tucked in and unbuttoned to his chest. Sophia looks stunning, smiling widely as she laughs at something Louis says. She wears her shiny hair in a bun on top of her head and an all in one black playsuit, with no sleeves and a high neckline.
“Hey” Liam’s smile brightens as he sees me near the bottom on the stairs.
He comes to the bottom of the stairs and pulls me into a hug when I reach him. He hugs me tightly and I feel Sophia’s eyes burning into me. I can’t blame her, I wouldn’t like my boyfriend hugging someone for as long as he is hugging me. He pulls out of the hug and he smiles happily at me.
“Hi Sienna” Sophia interrupts us and I turn to her.
“Hi” I smile, moving towards her and kissing her cheeks lightly.
She is a nice girl from what I have seen of her and Liam likes her, so that’s the main thing that matters.
“Let’s go in the living room” Louis says.
We all follow him into the living room and I find myself sat beside Louis. Eleanor checks with Sophia and Liam if they are ok drinking buck’s fizz and as she is occupied, Louis can’t help whispering things to me.
“See you can’t resist sitting beside me” he whispers.
I roll my eyes at him and focus back on Liam and Sophia, trying to make conversation about what Liam got Sophia for Christmas. She flashes off an expensive looking bracelet to me and I gush, pretending I like it. Liam tells me how they have already had dinner at Sophia’s parents, his parents and now here.
I feel a bit out of place here, being the only single person. I wish Niall was here, I would feel more at ease then. I don’t think Louis’ persistence and snide comments are helping though. Eleanor gives us all another buck fizz and we all drink, continuing to talk.
There is another knock on the door and I feel my stomach churn, knowing who this will be. Louis gets up and moments later I hear the familiar voices of Zayn and Perrie. This is going to be awkward. They have only just got back together, so I’m not sure how this is going to go. I haven’t seen Perrie since she assaulted me and I know for sure she hates me. She isn’t exactly quiet about her hate for me. I will be on my best behaviour though, I don’t want to ruin Christmas for everyone else.
They laugh with Louis as they walk into the room. Perrie’s eyes fall on me and she immediately stops laughing, throwing daggers my way. Zayn gives me a discreet smile, knowing he will be assassinated if Perrie sees him. Perrie narrows her eyes at me and I’m not surprised at how much she hates me, I’m the one who ruined her ‘perfect’ relationship. I know she will never forgive me and I’m in a place now where I don’t even need her forgiveness. I can’t punish myself forever for what we did and if she forgives Zayn, she should forgive me.
I turn my attention to my bracelet on my wrist, twisting it between my fingers and acting like it is suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. I don’t even look up when Sophia and Liam greet the pair. I am thankful when they both sit on the sofa furthest away from me, I want to avoid them as much as I can.
I feel alone, I feel like the odd one out and it isn’t a nice feeling. I should have spent Christmas with Simon, or maybe even Niall. I pathetically had a bit of hope that Harry would be here, that we would be able to spend Christmas together. I thought he’d see me and then everything would slip back in to place. I was stupid, I’m always stupid when it comes to him. I never thought he wouldn’t turn up and he would still hate me. I never realised that now I would just be a stranger to him and the only time I ever see him is on TV or the only thing I ever hear about is from Niall.
“Hey it’s snowing” Sophia says excitedly, staring out of the window.
We all follow her gaze, seeing the snow falling heavily already. I smile lightly, it is starting to feel like Christmas.
An hour later we all sit around the table in the dining room. I am seated beside Louis, much to my disappointment, but then again who else can I sit next to. Eleanor sits beside him, Perrie at the top of the table, Zayn across the table from Eleanor, then Sophia and Liam across from me. The space beside me is empty and I feel sad. That is where Harry would have been sat if he had turned up, beside me where he belongs.
The food is served and we all tuck into our plates, complementing Eleanor as we do. She really is an amazing cook, I could eat her food all day, every day. Everyone makes small talk and I just stay quiet, soaking in everything. We all laugh at a joke Louis tells and I start to enjoy myself. I don’t even let Perrie’s staring bother me.
There is a knock on the door and Eleanor looks confused as she gets up to answer the door. I am not prepared or ready for when I hear the sounds of the loud familiar voice. I drop my fork on to the plate and my stomach lunges. I’m not ready for this, I am not ready or prepared for this. I feel everyone’s eyes on me and moments later my fears are confirmed when Harry stands at the door, Eleanor behind him.
Everyone looks uncomfortable and they give him a brief ‘hello’ and ‘hi’. I have heard from Niall lately that he has been pissing them all off. He has been an arsehole and has hardly been sober. I can tell now by the pink flush on his cheeks, his glazed eyes and the way he stumbles, that he is drunk.
“Merry Christmas!” he bellows through the room.
He doesn’t come off as being genuine, his words sound bitter and I shift uncomfortably in my seat. He gets a few Merry Christmas responses, but I don’t respond and I’m pretty sure Zayn doesn’t either.
“I’ll get you a plate” Eleanor says, moving Harry to the seat beside me at the top of the table.
I can smell the alcohol on him from him being beside me. I keep my eyes fixed on my plate and when I briefly look up at him. He is staring back at me, his stare is cold and I feel vulnerable. It makes me feel like he never knew me and I never knew him. He starts to shake his head, my stomach lunges and he half laughs as he stares at me.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asks agitated.
I realise he is talking to me, when I feel his eyes burning into me. I don’t know what to say or do, I just look away from him and I stay quiet, not wanting to get into a fight with him. I am still too emotional when it comes to him. I don’t think I am strong enough to get into a fight with him.
“Who the fuck invited her?” he asks, staring around the table darkly.
Nobody meet his eye, the all just look away embarrassed, even Perrie.
He turns back to face me, I just keep my eyes on my plate and his words make me wonder why I am even here myself. I shouldn’t be here, I knew I shouldn’t have spent Christmas here.
“These are my friends not yours!” he snaps “Fuck off and spend Christmas with people who actually want you around”.
My eyes water at his words and I finally look at him. His eyes are bloodshot and his clothes look dirty and scruffy.
“We all want her here and we are her friends and yours” Liam defends me.
I am thankful that he does, nobody wants to go against him, especially considering how anger he is.
Harry rolls his eyes at him and he pulls a cigarette from the packet in his pocket. He places it in his mouth and he lights it with his lighter. He takes a drag of the cigarette and he blows smoke out, even though everyone is eating. He has no respect for anyone or anything.
“Is that really necessary?” Perrie asks “It’s hardly sanitary” she states, raising her perfectly groomed eyebrow at him.
He smirks as he blows smoke from his mouth in her direction, challenging anyone to say something to him. She remains quiet, pressing her lips together tightly.
“Neither is sucking your boyfriend’s dick, after it has been inside someone else, but you still do that” he states.
My stomach tightens as I feel Perrie’s eyes on me and Zayn looks away awkwardly. Perrie quickly stands up from her seat, throwing her cutlery down on the plate and she slaps Zayn around the back of his head. She storms out of the room and Zayn quickly rushes after her, shame covering his features. Harry laughs to himself, seeming extremely pleased with the hurt and upset he is causing everyone.
“Was there any need for that?” Sophia whispers to Liam, but she says it too loud.
I hear it and I can tell by the way Harry’s eyes dart towards her and the change in his body language that he heard her.
“What was that?” he asks, leaning over the table so he can stare at her more harshly.
She holds her head up high and I want to tell her not to say anything to him. She will lose, we all lose when he is like this.
“I think you are being unnecessarily rude” she states, staring back at him with an equally stern face.
He smirks, stubbing his half smoked cigarette out into my turkey. I don’t say anything, I just hide my mouth behind my hand and I stare at the table, wondering why I ever hoped he would be here.
“Who the fuck are you?” he asks “You’re irrelevant, you are just Liam’s new shag piece! He will have replaced you in a few weeks to someone with a decent set of tits” he spits venomously.
She gulps at his words, composing herself and I pray she doesn’t say anything else to him.
“Nobody is even listening to you, you’re just a filthy alcoholic” she claims calmly.
She looks like she is going to cry and nobody knows what to say or where to look. Liam shifts uncomfortably in his chair, but he doesn’t defend her or stand up against Harry. I wouldn’t be happy if I was her, I would expect my boyfriend to defend me if someone spoke to me how Harry is speaking to her.
He laughs loudly “Fuck off you sponger, we all know you are only here for the money and the fame” her words have clearly unaffected him.
Her mouth falls open and she looks at Liam, who just sits there quietly. What the hell is wrong with him? Why isn’t he defending her? She jumps up from her seat and she storms out of the room. I’m surprised when Liam remains seated and he doesn’t follow her.
“I always win” he states arrogantly.
He leans over and takes my glass of wine from in front of me. I don’t protest or say anything when he drinks it.
“I didn’t think you’d want it with your issues” he says.
What the hell is he doing? When did he become so cruel?
This is the cruellest punishment, having him here and having him behaving so cruelly towards me. I want to touch him, I want him to say nice things to me, but he is to intent on being nasty. He drinks the glass in one and he lifts it in the air, shaking it from side to side.
“More” he demands, looking at Eleanor.
“I think you’d have enough” Louis says uneasily.
Harry laughs “Maybe” he says, placing the glass down on the table.
I take this as my chance, my chance to talk to him and say everything I have been holding in since that last time I saw him. I don’t know how it will go, but I will never know if I don’t try.
“Can we talk?” I ask quietly, leaning closer to him.
His head jolts towards me quickly and he stares at me like I have grown an extra head.
“What about?” he asks harshly.
“Us” I say uneasily.
I don’t care anymore that Liam, Louis and Eleanor can hear me. I have waited too long to be this close to him and I have held in for too long what I have wanted to say to him. He has done everything he can to avoid me and I need to take a chance now. I don’t know when he will allow himself to be in the same room as me again.
“There is no point” he snaps “I have nothing to say to you”.
“I have though” I tell him “I just want five minutes”.
I am getting desperate, I just need five minutes to tell him everything and then I’m sure he will change his mind about everything.
“You want five minutes of my time?” he asks thoughtfully, tilting his head to the side.
He stares at me and I feel like his eyes are burning into me, reading what is in my soul. A small smile spreads across his plump lips and I feel hope fill me.
“Yes please” I confirm.
“Ok” he says making my body ignite.
This is it, this is the five minutes I need to make him realise we still love each other and show him we can still make us work.
“Beg” he suddenly says.
“What?” I ask confused, my eyebrows knitting together.
“Beg for it” he commands “Beg for my time”.
I stare at him horrified by what he is asking, he wants me to beg him to talk to me.
“What? No” I say half confused and half horrified at what he is saying.
“Oh go on, you’re good at it” he says eyes narrowing “That’s what you do best, being on your knees. That’s what you’re best at, it’s all you are good for. It’s not like it’s the first time you’ve begged me to be with you” he smirks evilly.
My cheeks feel like they are on fire as they burn with embarrassment. My eyes fill with tears and I tense my body up, trying not to cry. I did beg him not to leave me before, but we were both different people back then. I thought he would have stayed if I begged, it never has worked though and I’m not doing it here and now.
“I think you should go” Louis says, standing up and staring at Harry.
Harry looks at him and his eyes blaze with rage. He stands up too, allowing his chair to scrap loudly on the wood floor. He rests his hands on the table, almost challenging Louis.
“You’re kicking me out on Christmas day?” he asks.
“Yes” Louis says, swallowing hard. I can tell this isn’t an easy decision for him to make.
“You realise once I’m gone, I’m not coming back” he states.
He is trying to hide it, yet I can still see the hurt in his eyes. He isn’t the angry person he keeps trying to portray.
Louis nod “We don’t want you back, not until you’re back to who you use to be” he states.
Harry throws his head back laughing and he looks around the table at the four of us. He looks right through me, like he doesn’t even know me. He turns away and I feel my heart fall, lower than I ever thought possible. He walks out, not another word said and my bottom lip starts to tremble. The front door slams shut and silence fills the house. I feel empty and I realise I can’t do this again. I can’t just let him go, I can’t lose him without putting up a fight. I get up from the table and I run, without a word spoken. I hear Louis and Liam calling my name, but I don’t stop. I just run into the hall, grabbing my coat and dragging it on quickly. I start running, running outside and allowing the bitter cold to hit my body. There isn’t anybody else who understands this, nobody gets it. They don’t understand us.
I rush outside, dashing down the path and through the snow. I instantly regret rushing out here in my new black heels, the snow seeps into the soles, freezing my toes and making them wet. My teeth chatter together from the bitter weather, but even that doesn’t stop me. I have never done something so impulsive before, but love makes you do stupid things. The thick blanket of snow on the pavement doesn’t stop me from running through it. I just need to get to him, I need him to hear me out.
He is half way down the street when I reach the gate, stumbling down it and struggling to keep himself up right. He’s still drunk, even the freezing cold air hasn’t sobered him up. I can hardly remember him sober anymore. I hate that the person I see in my head now is drunk and full of hate. I rarely see the kind, caring man I fell in love with. He has taken that away, he is destroying the person I know deep down he is.
“HARRY” I call his name.
I need to see a glimpse of the man I fell in love with, I need to know he still exists. He doesn’t turn around or stop, even when I call his name. He seems to pick up his pace and he starts to walk away from me even faster. I start to run down the street after him, skidding several times in my stupidly high heels. Why couldn’t Louis and Eleanor have gotten me trainers for Christmas?
I keep running, even though I keep sliding all over. I won’t stop until I catch up to him.
“HARRY!” I shout louder this time.
I know he has heard me now, there is no way he hasn’t heard me this time. He still doesn’t turn around and I start to get desperate, knowing I can’t catch him in these shoes. I just need him beside me, I need him to tell me it will all be ok, like he did before. The good memories replay in loops in my head, surging me on to keep going. I keep running and as I do my foot bends sideways, causing me to lose my footing. I scream as I stumble and I fall forwards, landing in a rough heap on the snow covered ground. I fall quickly, hitting my head against the ground as my body collides with it.
I lay in the snow, disorientated and unsure of what to do next. I feel my face flush red, embarrassment consuming me as I humiliate myself again. My dress is saturated, causing the red material to appear darker than it is. My vision feels slightly blurred and I lift my hand to feel the lump already forming on my head. I can’t even think about the pain or my body lying in the freezing cold snow. My head is already consumed, always by him.
My eyes dart up looking for Harry and I am alarmed as I see him stood above me. His eyes are fixed on me, no emotion in them and he hesitantly extends his hand to me, giving me a glimmer of hope. I take his hand, forgetting the pain and humiliation I have just experienced. I allow him to pull me to my feet and his hands are just as soft as I remember. It’s insane how his simple touch can be so gentle and can always manage to calm me too. I have missed his hands on me, I’ve missed his touch and the fire that comes with it.
I am on my feet and when I am, I allow my body to collapse into his, even though he seems unwilling to hold me. I try to swallow the lump that has formed in my throat, trying desperately to hold in the tears. I am doing everything I can to control myself, everything to try and bury the fragile, shattered emotion inside. I press my body against his, trying to share the warmth his body has always had to offer. My arms instinctively wrap around him, fitting into place perfectly and I pull him closer to me, not allowing him to move away from me. I start to get lost in him, but as soon as I am able to appreciate his touch, he takes it away. He draws back from me, pushing my body away from his and he steps away from me, allowing the coldness to latch onto me once again.
“Stop!” he instructs, holding his hand out in front of him. His hand is symbolic in a stop sign, showing me not to come any closer.
I stay rooted to the spot, staring at him with a presence of hurt on my face. My eyes start to water and before I can stop them, tears start falling down my cheeks. My heart starts to crack, breaking into tiny pieces of desperation and it is left scattered on the floor, waiting for him to fix it again. My body shakes with emotion as my eyes fix onto the stranger before me. The man who once held my heart, keeping it safe, and promising he would never let it go. He did though, he let my heart go and he let me go, breaking both as he did.
His eyes appear dark, unaffected by the emotion I display in front of him. He doesn’t care about my tears or the feeling of my heart crippling inside of me. I am sobbing silently, yet the pain is shown clearly on my face. I don’t recognise the person in front of me anymore. His once bright eyes are now dark, with heavy black bags beneath them. His once glowing, smooth complexion is now patchy and spotty. His well-kept and maintained hair is now unwashed, untamed and in need of a cut. The dimples I use to adore are no longer in view and I can only see them now by memories in my head. His white teeth are no longer fixed into a smile, a frown replacing his smile and hiding his pearly whites. I miss everything he was and all I can wish is that one day he will miss me too.
“What happened to you?” I tremble.
My voice comes out strained and on the verge of breaking. The tears and emotion clinging to every word I speak. He turns away from me, refusing to meet my gaze. He takes a step back, creating a gap between us and his hands are placed into his pocket. His eyes narrow and his lip curls up into a snarl, disgust showing on his face.
“Nothing happened to me, I just moved on. I stopped loving you” he growls.
He speaks like he is sober, like the alcohol isn’t still consuming his words and thoughts. Everything is starting to unravel, making my tears fall harder than before. I never expected things to turn out this way, his words are making it harder for me to breathe and all I want is for him to take these words back. It’s too late though, he’s said them now and he can’t take them back, nor would he want too.
“No” I whimper, refusing to accept what he is saying “You can’t just stop loving someone”.
I can’t believe or accept that the words he is speaking are true. I can only believe he is saying all of this to hurt me and punish me for things I have done wrong in the past. The thought of him meaning what he is saying breaks my heart beyond repair.
“For fuck sake Sienna did you not just hear me? You need to get it into your head that we are done. What else can I do to prove it to you? I picked someone else over you. I ignored your endless calls and your letter. I don’t want you, I don’t love you. I wouldn’t have cared if you had even died, Mitch could have finished you off and I still wouldn’t have cared!” he sneers.
My tears flow quickly, yet I sob silently, sound unwillingly being able to leave my mouth. I thought I had hit rock bottom previously, but I realise now I was only on the surface then. I am now below the rocks, laying beneath them broken. I curl my hands into my palm, trying to stop myself from shaking and to try and control my sobbing.
“How can you say that?” I ask, drained and broken.
I don’t know how I still have tears left to cry, I don’t know how this man can still break my heart.
“You need to stop believing there is something still between us, there isn’t” he says, darkly.
There is still an element of hope inside, spurring me on. My hope clings to the look in his eyes, the moments I see him caught off guard. He could never make his eyes lie, they always still showed his desperation for me. He needs me just as much as I need him, the difference is I can admit it, he can’t. I inhale deeply, almost swallowing my emotions and burying them inside me. I am trying to be strong and it is taking every bit of strength I have. I don’t want to be weak anymore.
My hands shake as I dig my hand into my coat pocket and I pull out the neatly wrapped package. The snowflakes fall onto the present, the name tag shows his name wrote perfectly. This is for him, this is the last bit of fight I have. My hand shakes as I hold the gift out for him and he surprises me by taking it from me, holding it between both of his hands. He stares down at it, blinking in shock at my gesture.
“You got me a present?” he mumbles, staring intently at the gift.
His brow crinkles, seemingly confused by my gesture and unsure of what he should do next. He doesn’t understand why I would do this, after all the dark, evil things he has spoken. I respond with a half nod, showing him I have, without saying the words.
“Why?” he asks, voice cracking and he tries to hide it by clearing his throat.
“Because I love you, I can’t just stop. It’s impossible” I mumble.
I never take my eyes off him, staring in desperation for that loving look in his eyes. I watch him closely, his hands trembling as he pulls apart the shiny paper. He pulls the paper apart, just like he has with my heart many times before. He has allowed it to unravel and he hasn’t done anything to stop it. The snow falls thicker, making me shiver and snowflakes land in his untamed hair. The wrapping paper falls to the ground, the dark paper a beautiful contrast against the white snow. My heart swells as I see it, even if it is just briefly, I see the love in his eyes. The same look he gave me when I was his world, when everything he said and did revolved around me. He can keep fighting it, but there is still something there and there always will be.
“What the fuck is this?” he asks harshly.
The love disappearing, almost making me doubt it was ever there. His voice is dark, just like his eyes.
“Us” I whisper, reaching out for his hands in a moment of love endured madness.
My hands are like ice, my fingers feeling numb, but I know one touch of his hands will send warmth surging through me.
“Why the fuck would I want this?” he hisses.
“I want you to see, see what we had. Look at that picture and tell me you don’t remember us and the way I made you feel”.
His laugh bellows through the quiet street, making me regret even speaking.
“What? You think a fake fucking smile on a picture and months of lying to ourselves was real. You think I was happy? That even you were happy? Neither of us were happy, you made me miserable. It was Daisy who made me happy, she loved me and she wanted me” his eyes start to water “She wanted me for me, she didn’t try to change me, not like you did!”
He rips open the back of the frame and he pulls the picture of us out, holding it in his venomous grip. He lifts the frame above his head and with one swipe, he smashes the glass against the nearest wall and he allows the frame to fall to the floor, glass shattering beneath it. I stare at the broken glass, envisaging my heart going through the same process inside me.
“This is what I think of us” he pulls his lighter from his pocket.
I watch as he flicks the flames on and he holds the picture of us above the flame. I blink in shock as he lowers the picture to join the flame, horror filling my eyes. The flame hits the edge of the picture, the picture of us and a happy memory, which I have always clung too for happiness. The flame burns away, destroying the picture and the memory that went with it.
My lip trembles again, deep sorrowful pain filling me as our faces on the picture melt and the picture disintegrates. He drops the burning picture to the floor, it lands in the snow still burning and I watch it burn, like my wasted efforts. I press my lips together, tears crawling down my face and I am unable to stop the never ending flow.
“Now do you think it’s impossible to stop loving someone?” he asks bitterly.
My mind is blank as I throw myself to my knees, hitting the snow with a crash. The bruises will soon form, but I don’t care about that, just him. My dress rides up my thighs and I am chilled to my bones. My hands grab his legs, clinging to him and I sob, my dignity leaving me again. I have never had any dignity when it comes to him.
“Please don’t leave me again” I cry “I need you, please I need you”.
The desperation inside, pushing me on and making me unravel further. I can’t’ allow this to happen, not again. His eyes burn into me, his body a rigid mass of anger. His face is filled with pure red rage, anger spilling out everywhere.
“Tell me you love me” he commands angrily, through gritted teeth.
“I love you, I love you so much and I never stopped. I tried, I can’t stop loving you” I cry.
He starts to laugh, an evil thick and throaty laugh and he shakes his head. His lips are curled up and the devil has consumed his face, there is no other explanation for how evil he looks.
“I never even loved you” he sneers “How could I love someone whose own parents couldn’t even love them? I hate you just like they did. I hate you like everyone who meets you does”.
The words make me let go of him, throwing my head back and I let out a strangled cry, a cry to try and release the pain he is causing me. I look up to the sky sobbing, praying if there is a God he will take away this pain. I can only believe death would be less painful. The single gunshot wound to my stomach was nothing compared to the crippling, excruciating pain I feel now.
The ease doesn’t come and as my eyes meet with his, I don’t see someone I recognise. I don’t know him anymore, I don’t know the monster before me. My broken frame, the fraction of the woman I once was means nothing to him. He almost gets pleasure from me dying before him.
“You brought this on yourself” he claims coldly “I told you I had nothing to say to you”.
He doesn’t say another word, he just walks away. I sob as he walks away, leaving nothing but his footprints in the snow and the footprints on my once beating heart. I stay in the snow, broken and inconsolable.
Time merges together, I have no idea how long I have kneeled here for, but my entire body and soul are numb. I can’t cry anymore, my body feels like it has shut down and I am unable to move. My face is frozen, the tears I cried are like a coating of ice on my face. My chest hurts from the continuous sobbing I have done. The snow continues to fall, coating my body and I shake, shivering uncontrollably.
“Sienna” my name is called, but I am too broken to respond.
I hear heavy footsteps rushing to get to me and arms wrapping around me. I feel no comfort from them, even when I am held closely and pulled to my feet. My body feels lifeless and I allow myself to be pulled in any direction by the person who holds me.
“You’re freezing” the voice speaks.
I can’t register the words and as I look up, I see Liam’s soft, worried eyes staring back at me. The kindness in his eyes, brings me crashing back to reality. My body clings to him instinctively and I sob, painful sobs into his chest. I cry louder than I ever thought possible, stealing every element of comfort he has. I can’t speak, even as he gently pulls me inside Louis and Eleanor’s home.
I have dealt with pain and disappointment all my life, but this has been the worst Christmas, even day of my life.
The heating of the house makes my skin tingle at the immediate contrast change from cold to warm. He pulls me into the living room, standing with me in front of the blazing fire. The heat starts to bring feeling back to my body, but if it wasn’t for Liam holding me up I would crash to the floor.
“What happened?” he asks emotionally.
I can’t even think straight, or begin to explain what has happened.
“H…H….Harry” I sob.
I am unable to hide the love and pain for Harry any longer. The love I had once relished in has been my undoing. It was the one thing I always avoided, I avoided love for a reason and now it’s clear why. I avoided it because I knew in the end it would ruin me, he has ruined me.
He holds my body closely, treating me like a fragile piece of porcelain. He has always attempted to protect me, but we both know Harry Styles can destroy anything he sets his mind too. He destroyed me, he did the impossible. He made the ice queen feel and when he did that’s when everything changed. That’s when he held the responsibility of my heart and that’s when he stopped caring. The challenge was complete and he didn’t stick around after that.
My body warms up, but the cold inside doesn’t. The pain won’t go away with a hug, only time will help with that. I feel eyes burning into us and when I look at the door I see Sophia staring back at us, confusion on her face. He sees her too and yet he doesn’t let go, which I am thankful for. The tension grows between them, filling the room. I don’t move away from him, I need him and I am too selfish for him to break our needed contact.
“Liam” she speaks firmly, eyes burning into us.
She is seething, seething with jealously. She doesn’t realise how much I need him, but surely she can see from the despair on my face. She watches on the verge of tears, her eyes watering. She wants affection and comfort from her boyfriend, but I need it too. I need him more than she does. She doesn’t make him feel how I do, if she did he would be by her side now. He needs me to be happy, just as much as I need him.
“I’m busy” he tells her.
Her eyes focus on me, burning with jealousy and she takes a step closer to us. I hold onto the back of Liam’s shirt tighter, showing him I don’t want him to leave me to go to her, without speaking the words.
“I need you” she says emotionally.
He doesn’t speak and he makes no attempt to move to her or to give her any reassurance. I know I should move away from him, allowing him to comfort her. I don’t though, I just watch her, emotionless.
“Liam” she says firmly “You’re comforting her, but you haven’t been there for me when I needed you”.
He inhales deeply, eyes fixed onto her “Sienna needs me, more than you do” he states.
He’s right I do, I need him more than anyone ever could need another. If it wasn’t for him, I would still be outside dying in the snow.
“I needed you earlier, when you allowed your friend to speak to me like dirt. You didn’t do anything” she snaps.
“What do you want me to do?” he asks, finally moving out of my grasp.
I don’t know how my body stays up right, I feel cold again without his body against mine. I desperately want to reach out to him as the pain suffocates me again. My body longs for Harry again, the man who promised to by my sky and instead took every promise away from me. I don’t believe in promises, not anymore.
“Nothing” she says almightily “I don’t want you to do anything, anymore. It’s pretty clear your priorities don’t lay with me”.
She folds her arms across her chest, her features pinched together in hurt.
“Are you breaking up with me?” he asks.
He sounds surprised, not hurt like I imagine he should be. He doesn’t appear to feel a fraction of what I did when I lost Harry. That’s how you feel when you start to lose someone you love, isn’t it?
“I guess so” she mutters.
I can tell by the way she bites down on her bottom lip and the look in her eyes that she wants him to fight for her. She wants him to prove that he loves her and what they have is worth fighting for. He doesn’t show her that, he doesn’t fight or even speak. He treats her just the way Harry treated me, without the verbal assault. She slowly turns away from him, realising he doesn’t care like he should. She slowly gets her coat on and she walks to the door, slow enough for him to catch her. He doesn’t go after her, the despair doesn’t go off, even when the front door opens and then closes.
He turns to me, eyes watering slightly and he gives me a weak smile. He nods looking to the floor, like he is mentally convincing himself he has done the right thing. He walks back to me and resumes comforting me, our bodies fitting back into place. He gives me everything I need, the friendship I need.
The day comes to an end and I am thankful that Christmas is over with for another year. I never want to experience a day like this again and I vow to myself I won’t. I will never let myself feel pain like this again.
Zayn and Perrie left a while ago, a black cloud hanging over them and the day as a whole. The day has been a disaster from start to end, everyone affected by it. The day was even ruined for Eleanor, poor Eleanor who worked so hard to make it perfect. It would never be perfect with Harry around. It wasn’t her fault, she did everything right. The only person to blame for today was Harry and I hope in time he realises that.
I lay down on top of the bed, the covers scrunching up beneath me. I smile lightly at Liam who lays beside me. His takes my hand in his, carving small circles into my skin with his thumb. There isn’t anything sinister in him being here and in us sharing a bed together. I just need someone to hold me as I sleep, someone to ease the pain by telling me it will all be ok. If Niall was here, he would by beside me, but he isn’t and Liam is the next best thing. We have both had a terrible day, we both want to forget today ever happened.
“I’ll always be here for you, whenever you need me” he assures me.
I smile lightly nodding at his words, knowing when I am stronger I will give him the same support too. I close my eyes, hoping that one day I can move on from Harry Styles, like he has moved on from me. I hope I can find someone who can make me love and feel again. He won’t admit it now, but I hope I can feel the same love that he once had for me. He did love me once upon a time, until the evil took over him and who he was. He may not have the capability of loving again, but I do and I will. I will love again and it will be everything I need, everything he should have given me.