A/N – Hey guys :) if you are reading this thanks! This is my Christmas special for The Girl in the Mirror, if you like it please vote & comment. The story is based on the time between The Girl in the Mirror and The Girl in the Mirror 2. It’s based on a few months after Sienna’s ordeal with Mitch, so don’t read this if you haven’t read The Girl in the Mirror, it won’t make sense in some parts if you don’t. The story is all based on Sienna’s point of view, until near to the end. Anyway I hope you enjoy it! Love yas…….Stacey xxx
The Girl in the Mirror Christmas
Christmas, wonderful magical Christmas.The time of year when families come together, united for a day of celebrations. The enthusiastic smiles and joy of spending a day with the people you love. A day where you cherish old memories and create new ones, to reminisce on in years to come. It’s a time for giving, sometimes for even receiving. A day for children, belief and purity. That’s wonderful magical Christmas.
Christmas, lonely cold Christmas.
The time of year were the weather is as cold as the hearts which surround you. A day that for some feels just like every other day of the year. A time to broaden the loneliness inside and to make the longing stronger. It’s a time for the lonely to realise they are completely isolated in this world. A time for those who have nothing to cruelly still have nothing. It’s a day to avoid, to ignore if you can. That’s lonely cold Christmas.
Christmas was always just another day to me, it was always just the 25th December. The days surrounding it were just normal days, nothing more and nothing less. Christmas was never about presents or love, even at a young age. It was just another day, another day of normality. It was a day which proved I was different to the other people around me. I didn’t get the special day they talked about, with big smiles upon their faces. I never understood back then why I didn’t get a special day and they did, I was too young to understand. I understand now, I understand it all. I didn’t get the glowing fairy lights on the Christmas tree, the star sitting on top or the baubles hanging simultaneously. I didn’t get any of it.
I didn’t believe in Father Christmas, I didn’t get the option to believe in him. How could I believe? I spent all year being good and I wasn’t added to the good or the bad list. I was forgotten, I was irrelevant, even at Christmas. There was never a gift in sight or even a luxurious Christmas dinner to enjoy, not an ounce of love. There was none of it, nothing.
I eventually stopped caring, I stopped expecting anything. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t easy to hear the lavish things others got and the great day they had. I didn’t care about the presents, it was the love and family I needed, which I craved. Eventually it started to be hard trying to be good at the time, it was hard to be anything other than angry. My heart slowly turned black, bitterness held onto me and any hope vanished, never to come back.
That was when the lashings started, I wasn’t who they wanted me to be and I didn’t care. Even with the belts to my back, the cruel harsh punishments and the endless chores, I still didn’t care. I became immune to the cruelty and immune to love. I stopped living, I just got by and I was ok with that. I was used to living like that.
I was an outcast at school, nobody wanted to know the weird girl who flinched whenever someone came near her. They avoided conversations with me and I liked that, I liked being left alone. I just wanted to fade into the background and just get by, I didn’t want anything else. That’s when the bullying started, the endless days of taunting. They called me weird and a freak, they laughed at me. They made my life a misery, but that was before. That was all before I went on to bigger and better things, all before I became Sienna Star. Those same people who once bullied me, beg me to speak to them now and try to pretend they were my best friends. They forget the pain they caused, the endless nights of crying. The times I had to sit eating my lunch alone in the toilets to avoid the gum and spit in my hair. They were cruel, just like everything is in this world. I still don’t give them the time of day, they made my life a misery. They made me hate myself even more than I already did and I can never forgive them for that.
I became someone though and that’s when I got to create my own Christmas, I learnt what it really was. I finally got to experience it with people who cared, my ‘real’ family. I didn’t appreciate them as much as I should have done, but now I do. I appreciate them sharing their love with me and allowing me into their homes.
I wanted more though, I still wanted more. I had everything that I wanted, but there was still something missing. I was still missing him and without him nothing else was ever going to be enough.
Sienna’s POV
A strange feeling washes through me, taking over every aspect of my body. It’s an uneasy feeling, I suppose the feeling of the unknown. I’ve been stood here a matter of minutes and it is slowly hitting me that this is the last time I will ever be here. I will never stand within these bricked walls again or stare around at the smooth plastered walls. There won’t be any more memories created here, not by me. I will just have past events and thoughts to live on. I can handle that, it’s easier to live on memories.
I cross my arms over my chest, my shoulders tensing up as I do. I tilt my head to the side as I take in every single bit of detail my eyes can. I want to store it all away in my head, making sure I never forget what it all looked like or how it felt to be here. It isn’t easy doing this, it wasn’t a decision I quickly made overnight. I spent a while deliberating this, I changed my mind several times considering my options. It was only when I came back here for the first time since the incident, I knew what I wanted to do, well what I had to do. The hairs on the back of my neck and arms stand up, just like they did the last time I was here. There is still an element of fear at every creak or noise I hear. Those feelings are what assures me that I made the correct decision, everything I decided on was right.
I still feel sad though, it almost feels like a bereavement. I am losing something that once meant something to me. It was the only home I have ever really had, the only home I was able to create. I never realised or appreciate it at the time, before it was tarnished by evil.
I know it is the right thing to do though, almost the last piece of the puzzle I need to complete, enabling me to finally move on. It’s the ending, the last chapter, which will end the book of the person I was. I want to forget about the person I once was, the one who was almost taken away. I’ve been granted a second chance, another chance to live and I’m not going to refuse that chance. This time I am going to live and make the most of it. I am going to be happy this time around.
This house has been my prison and my saviour at times. There were times when I felt trapped here, it sometimes felt like there was no way out. The crowds outside, the vultures waiting for me, stopped me from leaving so many times. I couldn’t leave, there were times when I just had to stay here, even though I wanted to get out. That’s the confusing thing, so many hateful memories and burnt dreams live within these walls, but then there are the good memories too. This house kept the vultures out, stopped them from swooping in and taking what they needed from me. It prevented some of the evil from getting in. It gave me some peace and some sanity. It gave me the best and the worst of what it had to offer. I wish I had realised back then it was my home, not just a house. My time here would have been better then.
My furniture has all been taken away, put into storage. There are no pictures on the walls or photo frames around the house, it’s all empty. It really is just a house now. I slowly remove the house key from my key rings and then I hold it tightly in my hand, enclosing it in a tight fist. I’ve sold the house now, someone else is going to move in and make this their home. This isn’t my home anymore, I couldn’t forget the ghosts of the past. The nightmares came thick and fast, starting to corrupt my wellbeing when I was awake. The blood stained floorboards were a frequent reminder of what happened and what he did. I could have replaced them, but that doesn’t replace the fear. I hope the people who live here will be happy and they can make a loving home for themselves. I hope it’s everything they want it to be and more.
“That’s the last box loaded up” I hear him speak from the door.
“Thanks” I say, not turning to face him.
I’m scared that if I look at him, I will cry and weaken. I just keep my eyes fixed on a small mark on the wall, one I created throwing a vase against it once. It’s too late to go back on the deal, the house is sold and the paperwork is all signed. I don’t want to get upset and to start feeling like I regret this decision. The very second I walk out of here and hand the keys over is when it isn’t mine anymore. That’s when I become in affect homeless.
I feel his arm wrap around my shoulder, comforting me in his usual familiar way. My body relaxes under his touch and his encouragement gives me the strength to do this, to walk out and never come back. The smell of his familiar cologne fills my senses and it makes me appreciate him being here. The smell of him is comforting, making me feel safe like he always manages to do. He doesn’t need to be by my side, I was willing to do this alone, but I am thankful he is here.
The closeness of our bodies next to each other shows how far I have come. I would have once stiffen or shied away from affection, no matter who it was or what their intentions were. I realise now that not everyone in the world is bad, some people just want to be your friend. Niall wants to be my friend and he is helping me move forward. A friendship that has taken time to build, but is so solid even a hurricane couldn’t break it. He helped build our trust over time, keeping my secrets safe and protecting me from the cruelty of the world. That’s why we are here now, ignited in friendship.
He has helped me get better, helping me to become a better person. I have to just think about how close I came to not being here and realise I have to live for now. I have to appreciate every moment I am here and I need to make it count. I realise now, thanks to him that I have to appreciate everything I have.
“I’m ready” I tell him, I turn to finally look at him.
I don’t want to spend any more time dwelling on the past. I give him a weak smile and he nods. His blonde hair is long at the sides, curling out slightly. His cheeks are a slight pink colour and his pale blue eyes, shine with friendliness. He smiles squeezing my shoulders with him arm, before kissing my cheek lightly. There is nothing sinister in what he is doing, he’s my friend, my best friend.
I may come to regret this decision, selling my house and putting nearly everything I own in storage, but I know my friends will be there to help me through it. They will help me to see the light when I am surrounded by dark.
Niall removes his arm from around me and he walks slowly out of the room to the front door and I follow him. He messes around on his phone and I keep my arms crossed, protecting myself against the cold outside.
We reach the front door and he opens it. I turn around and I take one last look down the hallway, memories flooding back to me. There are so many memories I created here, some good and some I wish I could forget. Those bad memories and the ghosts were always going to be too strong for me to stay here. It’s time to leave it all in the past.
I take a deep breath and I turn back around, Niall smiling at me. I follow him outside, the bitter cold December air hitting me. The cold weather makes my eyes and nose start to water, freezing my body. I sniff trying to clear my air waves and I wipe beneath my eyes. I really should start wrapping up in this weather.
I walk to the gate and then I look back at my once grand home. The house looks cold now, no curtains up and no ornaments in the windows. I smile thanking the building in my head for all the good times. I inhale deeply, before turning away and focusing on my estate agent. He leans against his lavish car and he stands up straight, walking to me when he sees I am ready for the exchange. His black hair is sleeked back with gel and he smiles charmingly at me. He has been really kind and patient with me, ensuring I got the best deal possible and not rushing me to accept an offer. I hold my hand up as he stands in front of me. I twiddle the key between my fingers and he smiles, holding his hand out to collect it. I smile back as I drop the key into his hand, finally letting go. I am finally allowing myself move on.
This Christmas song plays quietly in Niall’s car and he hums along to the tune. I watch out of the window, staring at the Christmas lights hanging in people’s windows and garden. I have never liked Christmas, I never saw the point. I never had a reason to celebrate, nobody to ever really celebrate it with. It’s meant to be about family and I know nothing about that. I’ve never had my own family, I have just latched onto others in my older years.
My younger years were spent wishing my years away, wanting to be older and wanting to create my own Christmas. I wanted the beautifully wrapped presents, a lavish Christmas dinner and to sing Christmas carols. I wanted it to be more than just another day, but as I got older it wasn’t the magical day I always wanted. The memories have always made Christmas too hard to enjoy, I know this year won’t be any different.
I still remember my first Christmas, the first one I actually experienced it with people who cared. I was with Simon, his house was so warm and inviting. I was even given presents! The first gifts I had ever been giving in my life. Yes, I was actually given gifts and it created a feeling inside I wasn’t use too. I can only compare it to being loved, a feeling of acceptable and wanting. I tried to pretend it meant nothing to me, but it did. It was a big deal and a time I will never forget.
I still haven’t opened the gift set I was given, it was too special to use. The silver, diamond bracelet on my wrist hasn’t been taken off since that day. I refuse to ever remove it, it reminds me of happier times. My fingers instinctively twist the bracelet on my wrist. It was just a bracelet to Simon, but to me it was everything. It was hope, a new beginning.
I still remember the wrapping paper, red and gold paper. A large gold bow on top and my name wrote in elegant joint up writing on the name tag. I still have it all and I take them out in my lowest moments, remembering that someone did care about me once. The Christmas’s after that were never the same, that first one was too special to ever top.
Niall instinctively sings along to the Christmas song on the radio, without even realising it and I smile to myself, which he doesn’t notice. He loves Christmas and that has made me have an element of excitement for it too. I even enjoyed helping put up his Christmas tree, even though it was a mess at the end. We stood back together and proudly stared at our creation. I enjoyed putting on every bauble, I started to believe I could really celebrate Christmas this year.
This was the first year were I felt like people wanted to spend Christmas with me. They didn’t have to ask me to spend it with them, they wanted me too. It made me realise how far I have come, how much different my life is now.
I recall the Christmas I spent with my ex-boyfriend Lee. We were that drunk and high that Christmas came and went without us even realising it. We spent the entire festive period fighting and then making up. I’d rather have had no Christmas at all, then spend another one like that.
Anyway, I had Simon asking me to spend it in America with him this year, I declined. I wanted to spend Christmas at home, in London. Niall asked me to go to Ireland with him and spend it with his family, but again I declined. Thankfully, Eleanor and Louis insisted I spent it with them and in all honesty it felt right to spend it with one of my best friends. I agreed to go to Eleanor’s Christmas Eve and stay with them until the day after Boxing Day.
Eleanor is having a late Christmas meal and she has invited everyone around. It will probably end up being a small party until the early hours. I have a feeling Christmas is going to be good this year, maybe the best I have ever had.
Niall leans forward and he twists the knob on the dashboard, turning the radio up. He looks over at me, winking and I smile back at him. He sings louder and I find myself distracted by my own thoughts. My mind somehow always seems to drift back to him. I wonder what he is doing for Christmas this year, I know Eleanor has invited him, but she hasn’t heard anything from him. I don’t think anyone has heard from him since One Direction have been on their break. I know I shouldn’t care about him, not after the way he has been since that almost fatal day. I can’t help caring though, because a part of me will always care about Harry.
Flashback
A sudden feeling of pain surges through my body, like a thousand daggers sinking into my skin. I want to scream, but there is something lodged into my throat stopping me. I wrath around, trying to free myself from the wires attached to me. I use my hands, trying to pull at the wires. The bright lights shine down on me, making my eyes wrinkle together. This is it, this is what happens when you are dying. I can feel the sweat dripping down the side of my face, fear filling me. I’m not ready to die, I don’t want to die.
I hear my name being called, but it sounds so far away. I’m trapped, I’m stuck and I can’t get free. I feel hands laying on me, touching me and bringing me back. They bring me crashing back to life and as I see Niall’s worried face, I realise I’m alive. I try to talk, but I can’t. I just stare at him and his face radiates the same fear I imagine is on mine.
I am quickly surrounded my nurses and they pull something from my throat. My entire body burns with pain and I have no idea what I am doing or where I am. I thrash around and I scream, hoarsely. I scream as loud as I can. I only calm down when I see Liam and Simon too. Simon rushes to my side and I stop screaming as he takes my hand. My heart rises and falls heavily, I gasp for breath.
“We thought we’d lost you” Simon says weeping.
That’s when the memories come back and hit me like a tidal wave. The memories come crashing back to me and I remember everything. I remember laying on the ground, blood surrounding me and believing I was taking my last breath. I remember closing my eyes and then it all goes black. I was on the brink of death and somehow I am alive. How can I be alive?
“Thank God you’re ok” Niall speaks, his Irish accent soothing me.
I never thought I’d hear his voice again or anyone else’s. I stare back at him, wanting to smile, but I have no strength left. I’m not sure if my body is even capable of expressing emotion anymore. I stare around at the three men here, three important people here beside me. There is only one person I want to see, one person who I need. I may be confused and disorientated, but one thing I know is that he isn’t here. I have no idea why Harry isn’t here.
End of Flashback
The journey back to Niall’s house takes longer than we would have liked. That’s typical London traffic for you though. The streets are busy, people rushing around doing their last minute Christmas shopping. I am relieved that I did mine online weeks ago. I had nothing better to do than get everything done, that’s how boring it is being confined to your bed to rest.
We eventually pull up at Niall’s house and he drives smoothly into his driveway. He has been letting me stay with him since I came out of hospital. He has said I can stay as long as I want and even insists he likes having me here. It’s been a huge relief, I have felt safe having him with me. I’m not ready yet to live alone, I am still too scared. I was relieved I didn’t have to recover in a hotel room, worrying about finding somewhere else to live. I have spent every day with him and it has only helped our friendship grow and become stronger. I couldn’t have asked for a better friend and support than him. Almost everyone I know has been great, especially Niall, Eleanor and Liam. They have all been my rock and I don’t think I’d have gotten through it all without them. They helped me release the hurt and fear, they helped me be me again.
I follow Niall inside his house, the warmth hitting me as soon as we step inside. We both take our shoes off at the door, not wanting to trail the dirt and wetness through the hallway. I bend down to remove mine and when I stand, I do it too quickly. A surge of pain burns in my stomach and I wince in pain, my scar from where the beast shot me still hurts sometimes. Niall turns around, concern filling his face and he rushes to my side.
“Are you ok?” he asks concerned.
He places his hand on my lower back and he gently guides me to the living room.
“I’m ok, I just got some pain” I tell him.
He checks his watch and I can see him mentally working out the times in his head. He is so caring. How did I manage to get a friend like him?
“It’s been four hours, you can take some more pain killers now” he tells me.
He helps to slowly sit down on the sofa, in the top corner of the corner sofa and he lifts my legs up carefully, allowing me to lay down. He grabs my fleecy blanket and he places it over me, making sure all of me is covered. He leaves the room and moments later he comes back in, glass of water and tablets in hand. He passes them to me and I smile gratefully. I place the tablets in my mouth and I wash them down with water. I swallow them and he takes the glass from me, leaving the room again.
I relax into the cushion, trying my best to get comfortable. I soon relax and he walks back in a few minutes later, two cups of tea in hand. He places a mat down on the coffee table and places my drink on top of it. He gets onto the sofa too and he lays his head down beside mine on the cushion, so we are sharing it.
“Thanks” I say to him, leaning over and ruffling his hair.
He turns to me and winks, before grabbing his own blanket and grabbing the TV remote. He flicks through the channels and I find my eyes closing, enjoying the quiet sound of the TV and Niall’s breathing.
Flashback
I lay awake in bed, the eerie sound of the hospital filling my ears. Every noise and creek makes me jump and they send my heart racing. I can’t sleep, it’s impossible. It’s nearly 2am and I haven’t slept, not even a single second.
I slowly lift myself up with my hands, until my back is lent up against my pillows. I struggle with the pain, but thankfully I manage it. I sigh using the heels of my hands to rub my eyes, thinking about him, Harry. I have spent every day since I woke up, asking him to come and see me. There has been endless text messages and voicemails, but nothing. He hasn’t felt any pity for me, meaning I haven’t heard anything from him. I have asked Niall endless times why he hasn’t come, even making sure he knows I awake. Niall reluctantly told me he knew I was awake and that I wanted to see him, but he didn’t seem interested. I am at a loss of what else I can do, I don’t know what there is left to do. I need to see him, there is so much I need to say and so much I need to tell him.
I stupidly believed he would just come, that I wouldn’t even need to ask for him to come and see me. I thought he would want to see me. I believed I would be his first priority, especially after everything that has happened and now that Daisy is gone. I’ve heard he isn’t handling her death well, but that’s why I need to see him. I need him to know who she was and then he can stop grieving for someone who never cared about him. I need him to realise I am still waiting, I will always be waiting.
I carefully lean over to my drawers and I find a notebook inside, one I was giving to write my thoughts and fears in. The doctors thought it would help with what happened to me, but it didn’t. There is only one thing, one person who will help me and I will do anything to have him here. I grab a pen ready to tell him everything, ready to help him move on with me.
Harry,
I’m not sure where you head is right now and to be honest, neither am I with mine. I was expecting you to be here, I was surprised you weren’t when I woke up. I was so scared, I was terrified waking up and not seeing you looking back at me. I don’t know if you care, but I want to tell you anyway.
I didn’t stop believing in us, even at what I thought was the end. I led on the floor, covered and laying in my own blood and I believed I was going to die. I was convinced I wouldn’t take another breath and all I could think about was you. The pain of dying, the pain of being shot was nothing compared to the pain of never seeing you again. I just wanted one more chance to be held by you, to kiss you and to tell you that I love you. My biggest regret was not telling you I loved you every single day, because I did. I never stopped loving you from the very first kiss. I regretted not kissing you every time you smiled at me or telling you how much you meant to me, every chance I got.
If I could turn the clocks back I would have made you stay with me, I wouldn’t have let you go. I believe everything would be different now if you had stayed. We could have learnt the truth together and I know it would have united us if we did. We would have fought against it. We would have fought against everyone and we’d have won. I would have won just having you beside me.
I know you are hurting, I know you are grieving for someone who isn’t me. I understand that, I know you felt something for her, but you can’t cheat yourself that it was anything like what you felt for me. We both know nothing compares to how we feel about each other.
I just need a chance, a chance to tell you the truth. I know if you knew the truth, if you knew who Daisy really was, then you wouldn’t be grieving now. If you knew the truth then we could move on together. We could start again, I want to start again with you so badly. I would do anything for you and I know deep down you’d do the same for me. I just need you to see me and remember me as I was. I need you to remember me as the first person you ever truly loved and see you are and always will be the only person I will ever love.
We both deserve to hear what each other has to say. I need you to see Daisy wasn’t who you thought she was, she wasn’t the person you believed. She only ever set out to destroy us and I know that might seem crazy to believe because she can’t defend herself, but know I would never lie to you. She was part of the deceit, the deceit that nearly took me away.
All I ask is for a chance, a chance to talk.
Yours Sienna xx
The tears stream down my face, wetting the page beneath me. The words I wrote fill the page and all I can hope is he reads it and sees he needs me, just as much as I need him. All I can do is wait, wait to give the letter to Niall and wait for him to hopefully come and see me.
End of Flashback
I try to blink away my tears, recalling that painful time. I wipe my eyes, trying to push away the aching pain in my chest. It doesn’t matter how long has gone by it still hurts, not being with him and never speaking to him is a burning punishment. A punishment I deserve, but it hurts more than any gunshot ever could.
He never even read my letter, he didn’t even consider reading it. Niall brought it back to me, my words ripped into pieces and I had to watch the words that represented by heart get put into the bin. He ripped it up in a drunken rage, saying he hated me and that he wanted nothing to do with me. I was alive, but I had no idea how. I died inside that day, every part of me hurt and I gave up on love. I had to push away any ounce of love or care I had for him, I pushed it all away and now my heart feels empty.
I have been out of hospital a few weeks now and he still hasn’t heard me out, he still hasn’t even considered coming to see me. I thought at first that it was because I was in hospital, I thought that was too painful for him and that’s why he didn’t come. I know now though that had nothing to do with it, he didn’t come because of me. He doesn’t want to see me, he never wants to see me again.
I listen to the sound of Niall snorting beside me. The only stories I ever hear about Harry these days is about how drunk he always is or how irrational his behaviour has become. It isn’t just me who has lost Harry, so has everyone else. I realise now that we will never get him back, the Harry I knew has gone.