A/n: Gonna be honest, I don't know what this was supposed to be originally...
I found a draft for the first paragraph or so and thought hey let's use that haha
So it became this.
The title is taken from the song Release The Panic by Red, not the most appropriate for the theme but the title works
To Ikuya, Hiyori was his rock. The brunet had been by his side for a large period of his life and he had seen everything. They had seen each other at their best and at their worst. They had seen each other on the days when they were determined to take on the world and also on the days where they felt hopeless. However, despite the fact that they had both experienced each other's flaws, Ikuya still found it hard to know how to help on Hiyori's worse days. On said days, Ikuya found himself pulling small bits of knowledge from the times Hiyori had helped him out, hoping desperately that something, anything could help to make things better.
The first time it had happened had been only a few months after they had met and although some of the details were somewhat blurry, he was ever thankful to Hiyori.
He had been in hospital at the time after a near-drowning and had woken up shaking from yet another nightmare and through the haze of fear, he could hear himself gasping for breath, could feel his hands tingling until it spread up his arms and throughout the rest of his body.
In a way, it felt so much worse than drowning, whether it be the uncertainty as to what was actually happening to him or the fact that he should be able to breathe but just couldn't seem to take in any air
He didn't even notice when the door opened quietly and Hiyori slipped into the room, clearly being cautious in case he was asleep, however, when the brunet's eyes landed on him, they widened and he froze where he stood before mentally kicking himself to do something.
Only he was none the wiser what was happening.
All he could really do was approach Ikuya carefully, slowly, as if approaching a wounded animal, calling out in the steadiest voice he could muster.
"Ikuya?"
The only acknowledgement he received was a hitch in Ikuya's desperate breathing, reaching a hand out, he placed it gently on Ikuya's clammy arm.
"Ikuya what's wrong? Do you want me to get the doctor?" Ikuya only shook his head, trying and failing to answer and instead, letting out a choked noise "I'm not sure how to help...But I'll try my best, here you need to try and breathe okay?" Hiyori took Ikuya's hand, holding it to his chest and fighting to keep his own breathing calm and collected in the hope that Ikuya would be able to sync his breaths with Hiyori's.
He took note of the way Ikuya's fist clenched tightly in his own hand and the shaking of Ikuya's entire body, wracking his brain for anything which could explain what was happening.
He came back empty and figured that for now all he could do was encourage Ikuya to breathe and help to distract him.
"Your brother said he was going to come later," He began, rambling on about anything and everything, practices, school, even the news and, much to his relief, it seemed to be helping, Ikuya's breathing slowing by the minutes as he focussed on Hiyori's words, hand still pressed against the brunet'sown chest.
The shaking took a while longer to wear off after Ikuya had eventually calmed his breaths enough to respond to Hiyori however, he could still feel the pins and needles in each of his limbs making it harder to move into a more comfortable position.
When Ikuya appeared to be over the worst of it, Hiyori breached the topic that he wasn't even sure whether Ikuya knew.
"Are you alright? What even was that?"
"I had a nightmare and woke up but..it felt like I couldn't breathe. It was like I was drowning again...I'm not sure what it was,"
Hiyori considered this for a moment, chewing on his lip as he thought, the skin already chapped and sore from him doing the same thing just moments ago out of worry.
"I could look into it?" He offered "But it might be an idea to tell the doctor about it in case it's something serious," Ikuya hummed in response, looking deep in thought for a moment before he turned his attention back to Hiyori with a small smile.
"Thanks for that though...Whatever it was,"
"It's no problem," Hiyori replied, mirroring the expression "I'm glad I could help,"
They had later learned from Natsuya, who had been told what happened by Ikuya albeit reluctantly, that what he had experienced had been a panic attack. Apparently Natsuya had been in a similar position to Hiyori back in middle school when Nao had been struggling with his eyesight and had assured them that it was a normal thing to experience once or twice throughout life, so long as it didn't happen often or affect Ikuya's normal life.
However, even though Natsuya assured them both that it likely won't happen again, Hiyori remained cautious, wanting to be prepared on the off chance it did happen again.
Unfortunately, Hiyori's preparation did come in useful and Ikuya did experience another panic attack, this time after they had returned to Japan.
They were in their first year of high school at one of the early competitions in the season when everything had gone south. It wasn't often that Ikuya got worked up over bad times however, his individual medley that day had been, to put it simply, awful.
With every stroke, he had been fighting against the water, never quite being able to take in enough air as he broke the surface of the water. It hadn't helped to hear the cheering of his teammates who clearly expected more from him.
He had struggled to even pull himself out of the water at the end, standing for a moment taking in great big breaths as he let the water run off his body, the dripping of water onto the tiled floor, although silent, sounding louder even than the noise filling the stadium.
Everything blurred together as he headed to shower and change, only becoming aware of his surroundings when he felt the water from the shower hitting his skin.
Only then did he let out the shaky breath he wasn't aware he had been holding.
And take in another which was just as shaky and slightly more rushed.
It had been so long since he'd experienced his last panic attack that he didn't even recognise the signs, only realising what was happening when he felt his hands beginning to tremble.
The air suddenly seemed too thick, the steam from the shower irritating his throat with every inhale. His knees felt awfully weak the longer he stood there but he just kept telling himself over and over that nothing was wrong. He was fine. He was just being dramatic.
With his back turned to the door, he didn't notice Hiyori approaching, the brunet taking in the way his shoulders hunched over, shaking ever so slightly.
The knowledge of what was happening didn't make him feel much better as Hiyori called out quietly, practically an echo of what he had down all those years ago.
Fortunately, it seemed like he had arrived earlier this time, seeing as Ikuya wasn't quite wheezing for breath, meaning it might be easier to talk to him until the panic disappeared.
"Ikuya?" He tried to keep his voice steady as he spoke, willing himself to be strong for Ikuya's sake, willing himself to look after Ikuya like he had promised Natsuya before leaving America.
Ikuya responded with a jolt, turning around all too quickly and staring at Hiyori, eyes wide, filled with fear and red from a combination of the tears he hadn't realised were falling and irritation from the chlorine in the pool water.
"Come on, we'll find somewhere quiet to go," Hiyori gave a weak smile and Ikuya fumbled to open the door, stumbling his way out as Hiyori opened his arms for Ikuya to fall into, not caring about the water remaining on Ikuya's skin which soaked into his jacket or the dripping of Ikuya's hair on his shoulder
The world seemed to stop for a moment and Hiyori focused on Ikuya's breathing, stuttering with every sharp inhale.
"This isn't the end yet Ikuya," Hiyori spoke quietly "This isn't a qualifying competition, it's for practice,"
"Still-" Ikuya wheezed out, forcing himself to pull away from Hiyori and head shakily towards his locker.
Ikuya remained quiet whilst he dried off and changed, focusing his attention on Hiyori who talked about a new cafe he had found, pausing every now and then to remind Ikuya to try and breathe deeply.
When Ikuya finished dressing and was still breathing unevenly, Hiyori urged him to sit down on the bench beside him, explaining a breathing technique he had found online. He counted along with Ikuya's breathing, giving a sympathetic smile anytime his breathing hitched but not stopping his counts. Luckily, it seemed that after a few minutes of this same routine, breathing in, holding and breathing out, Ikuya seemed to be more in control of himself, giving a sheepish smile to Hiyori before averting his eyes.
"I'm sorry about this," He gestured to himself, missing the way Hiyori shook his head.
"You can't help it, remember what Natsuya-senpai said, they can happen at random so you can't prepare," Ikuya hummed in response "If you're feeling up to it we could go and get some drinks?"
"That sounds good," Ikuya's smile seemed more genuine this time "Thanks, again. I appreciate it,"
The next time it happened, Ikuya had an idea of how to calm himself down. It was harder to complete the breathing exercises without Hiyori to distract him however, he was aware of how late it was and didn't want to wake his friend up for something as stupid as another nightmare.
Not only that but the same one.
It was always the same.
He was always drowning.
Even now that he was awake, it felt like drowning.
He couldn't breathe. And he couldn't gasp for breath like he normally would in a desperate attempt to get some oxygen for fear of waking Hiyori.
It was hell.
A sob escaped him against his will and he curled further into himself, his hands clenched in fists with one covering his mouth, trying to stifle any noises by biting down on his knuckles.
His shoulders shook with every breath he sucked in, and his brain was constantly screaming at him to be quiet. Hiyori had done enough for him already without having to deal with this.
He tried to force himself to count in his head, sucking in a breath with each number until he heard a small squeak from the ladder of their bunk and felt a hand reaching out for his knee.
"Ikuya? Are you alright?" Hiyori's voice was hushed, not wanting to startle Ikuya who looked up, hoping that the darkness would hide the redness of his eyes
"Sorry for waking you, I'm fine," It was a lie but it was better than worrying Hiyori for no real reason.
The bed squeaked once more and Ikuya felt Hiyori settling beside him and beginning to count with no further explanation. Ikuya let his head fall onto Hiyori's shoulder as he struggled with each and every breath and Hiyori didn't complain at the weight on his shoulder, the smile on his face tinged with sadness. It wasn't too long ago that Ikuya had his panic attack at the competition and it sent ice through his veins at the realisation that they may be becoming more frequent.
Even so, he continued counting, focussing on getting Ikuya through this particular attack before worrying about anything else.
He would be lying if he said that he wasn't tired, it was the middle of the night after all. However, Ikuya needed him and he would never be able to forgive himself if he wasn't there. He wasn't sure if Natsuya would forgive him either...
Luckily it seemed Ikuya was beginning to calm down, his grip on his knees loosening until he was slumped awkwardly against Hiyori, both of their eyes slipping closed. It wasn't the best position to sleep in and Hiyori knew that, trying to manoeuvre them both slightly to be more comfortable before they both let sleep overtake them once more.
Hiyori knew to expect it the next time. It had been a while and Ikuya had been doing better only, he should have known not to get too comfortable. It had been their first competition as university students and, of course, something had to go wrong.
Hiyori watched the exchange between Ikuya and Nanase, noticed the tension of Ikuya's shoulders and his clenched fists and knew exactly what would happen once the trance-like state Ikuya was in was broken.
There was some debate whether he should interrupt or see how it played out, however, when he heard the way Ikuya's voice wavered slightly, no doubt overwhelmed by the emotions connected to seeing his old teammate and decided that it was time for him to intervene.
Nanase didn't look too impressed when he spotted Hiyori however, he didn't have time to make friends with the guy when he could hear the way Ikuya's breaths were coming out heavier, shorter than usual.
He made some excuse about Ikuya being tired before urging Ikuya to start walking away, ignoring Nanase's protests in favour of breathing out a quiet reminder to breathe to Ikuya.
It was like Ikuya was in a daze as he walked alongside Hiyori, shaking limbs barely supporting him until he was ushered over to a bench to the side of the path.
"Ikuya?" Although Hiyori began talking, it didn't appear that Ikuya heard, his expression blank and unreadable, even to Hiyori.
He curled into himself, head resting in his hands which were clenched tightly into fists as he struggled to breathe.
"Ikuya, remember the breathing exercises I told you about last time?" Hiyori tried, only getting a hiccup in response and reconsidering his strategy "I'm going to try something new, okay?"This time, Ikuya answered with a choked 'yeah' and Hiyori continued "I want you to focus on something and try to describe it okay?" Another nod and Ikuya glanced around where they sat, eyes focussing on a small flower bed.
"There's..." He wheezed out, trying to gain control of himself "Flowers...Leaves..."
"What colour are the flowers?"
"Red...and yellow...and pink...The leaves are green..."
"Are there any orange flowers?"
"No..."
Ikuya's voice sounded less strained now, Hiyori noted, smiling when he realised that maybe this technique might work.
"How many flowers are there?"
"Uhh..." Ikuya paused for a moment, squinting his eyes slightly to count them "Thirteen,"
"How are you feeling?" Hiyori asked, noticing that Ikuya's breathing had slowed significantly and that his shoulders no longer looked as tense.
"Better...But Hiyori?" He hummed to tell Ikuya to continue "What was that about?" There was an amused smile on Ikuya's face and Hiyori found himself flushing slightly, realising how childish counting flowers may seem.
"I read about it one time," He began "You get someone to focus on what's around them and it distracts them and helps them calm down," Ikuya nodded and Hiyori gave a half-smile "It's strange but it seemed to work?"
"Hm," Ikuya let his head fall back to look at the slowly darkening sky, the sun setting over the nearby buildings. "We should probably get going, it's late,"
Hiyori readily agreed and they began making their way back to their dorms, their conversations returning to usual until they reached the point where they would go their separate ways. Ikuya paused for a moment, refusing to make eye contact with Hiyori before speaking quietly.
"I'm sorry," He didn't look up to see Hiyori's bewildered expression "It keeps happening and yet I still can't deal with them,"
"Ikuya, you know I don't mind," Hiyori protested
"But still-"
"Ikuya, you can't help it so why are you apologising for something you can't control?"
He seemed to deflate at that, nodding defeatedly
"Goodnight Hiyori," As he turned to head towards his own dorm, he heard Hiyori reply in much the same way
"Good night Ikuya. Don't stress over it too much,"
Unfortunately, Ikuya's run-in with Haru seemed to affect him more than he was letting on and it was only two days later at practice that Hiyori noticed something was wrong.
It had been a while since Ikuya's last near-drowning experience, however, Hiyori was still vigilant looking out for the signs which became present as practice went on. It was clear for anyone to see that Ikuya was struggling against the water, his limbs looking heavier than usual with every movement and the way he barely took in a breath when he surfaced for air. They all realised what was happening when his strokes slowed to a stop and he began sinking.
Hiyori was in the water in an instant, reaching Ikuya who had thankfully managed to stand, breathing heavily, shakily.
"Ikuya!" He was worried and it only grew worse when Ikuya gave no answer except for a shake of his head.
"I'm fine," Ikuya eventually brushed him off, slowly swimming to the end of the pool and struggling slightly to pull himself out of the water with Hiyori close behind. It was silent as Hiyori followed Ikuya to the changing rooms
It was when Ikuya stepped into the shower alongside Hiyori that he allowed himself to break down, tears of frustration joining the water dripping down his face whilst his heart thundered inside his chest, sending him spiralling into panic. Hiyori said nothing, only moved to wrap his arms around Ikuya, the two of them standing underneath the spray from the shower.
Although Hiyori had hoped he would be able to use the same distraction technique from last time, seeing as it had worked so effectively, there wasn't really much to describe in the shower area, and so, he tried exaggerating his breaths, inhaling slowly and exhaling even slower, counting quietly for Ikuya to follow along and throwing in small reassurances every now and then.
"It's okay, you're doing well," Ikuya hiccuped quietly and Hiyori continued "Just breathe deeply,"
The tears continued a while longer after Ikuya regained control over his breathing, and Hiyori stayed where he was, tracing the water running down Ikuya's back.
When Ikuya did eventually pull away, he gave a forced smile to Hiyori who didn't believe it for one second.
"I'll be okay. I guess seeing Haru just shocked me a bit..."
Hiyori nodded and nothing more was said on the subject as they showered quietly and got dressed and left for their dorms.
After all the times Hiyori had helped Ikuya through panic attacks and after all the research he had done into how to get over them you would think that he was well-versed in overcoming them only, truth be told, no amount of research or experience with other people panicking could truly prepare him for this.
They had fought.
And he couldn't breathe.
After Ikuya had left the park, anger radiating off him, he found the air around him seemingly becoming thicker and he struggled to breathe, to get any oxygen at all into his body. It felt like his throat was closing up and he could do nothing but gasp for air, hoping and praying that the world would take pity on him and just let him breathe.
Alas, it didn't and he found himself collapsing to sit on the bottom of the slide, his head coming to rest in his hands which shook, much like Ikuya's had so many times in the past.
The realisation hit him like a truck but it didn't help in the slightest to calm him down, it only added fuel to the fire as a choked sob forced it's way past his lips against his will
It felt like he was going to die.
He knew he wouldn't, logically, but the fear was still there. The what-ifs.
Alongside it was the thing he had feared the most each and every time he saw Ikuya sink beneath the surface of the water. The fear that he would lose him, lose his best and only friend.
"Iku...ya," He barely managed to choke out between gasps, the memory of anger plastered on Ikuya's face stuck in his mind, the sound of Ikuya shouting playing on repeat in his head.
He needed to leave. It was late and he was being loud and he didn't want to disturb the people who lived nearby but when he moved to stand up, his legs shook dangerously, heart pounding in his chest as dizziness washed over him. Even so, he forced himself to move, gripping the gate when he reached out to open it as a shudder ran down his spine before setting off at a run back to his dorm, ignoring the way his lungs burned from the lack of oxygen and the way his vision was fuzzy as if he wasn't wearing his glasses.
As soon as he reached his dorm, he threw the door open, hurrying inside and collapsing against the door. The panic had begun to ebb away however, it left behind a strange fuzzy feeling, like static, and deep-seated tiredness which weighed down heavily on him.
Although unrealistic, he hoped that this wasn't what Ikuya had experienced every time, despite everything. Even if Ikuya didn't necessarily want to be around him right now, he was still his best friend and he still hated the thought of him suffering when he had been through so much already.
Letting his legs give out on him, he slid down to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest and curling himself into a ball with the hope that maybe he could just disappear.
It didn't happen but he did manage to calm down enough to drag himself to bed, flopping down and letting the exhaustion wash over him and pull him into sleep.
He had never intended for Ikuya to find out about his little breakdown, however, after all the events that had happened that day, from watching Ikuya race against Nanase and seeing Ikuya happier than he had been in a long time to being convinced to enter the freestyle relay to having Natsuya apologise to him for leaving him responsible for Ikuya, Hiyori was overwhelmed, to say the least.
It was as if everything was supposed to be perfect now only, it didn't feel that way to him. Everything felt wrong and he didn't know why. As if everything had worked out but in the completely wrong way.
And so, he told Ikuya to spend time with his friends and tried his best to mean it only, he didn't realise how quiet his voice sounded. He also didn't notice the concerned look that Ikuya threw his way or the way his breaths were beginning to match the speed of his racing heartbeat.
"Hiyori?" Ikuya's voice cut through the haze which had settled over his mind and he swallowed nervously, his throat feeling too tight to speak but forcing himself anyway.
"I'm going to head back to the dorms," His voice sounded as awful as he had expected, quiet and tense and of course Ikuya would pick upon it, reaching out to grab his wrist as he began walking away. He struggled to keep his breathing even, gripping the bottle in his hand tightly to hide how it trembled as he fought every urge in his body telling him to run.
"Hiyori are you okay?" Ikuya asked because, although he could tell something was wrong, he had never seen this side of Hiyori and he was struggling to work out what was wrong
"Yeah," His response came way too fast to be believable and Ikuya, although he was still unsure what was happening moved to link his arm with Hiyori's urging for him to follow as he looked for somewhere more secluded for them to talk.
He urged Hiyori to sit on a small bench which was hidden in between a few trees, standing in front of Hiyori and tilting his head to the side, trying to work out what was wrong. His answer came in the form of Hiyori resting his head in his hands and taking in a shuddering breath.
"Oh, Hiyori," The realisation of what was happening caught Ikuya off guard and he struggled to keep his expression calm, knowing that himself panicking would only make it worse for Hiyori. Although Hiyori had helped him through many of his own panic attacks, Ikuya couldn't be sure that Hiyori would respond in the same way and so, he moved to sit beside Hiyori, pulling him in a sort of side hug but still giving Hiyori the chance to back out if he wanted.
"You...Don't have to help-" Hiyori managed to choke out, neither leaning in or pulling away from Ikuya's touch.
"Like hell I'm leaving you," Ikuya growled before it softened slightly "I'm not going to let you suffer alone,"
"I know how to handle it," Hiyori breathed out, "I've done it before,"
He could sense Ikuya's uncertainty and immediately regretted saying that only, Ikuya returned to normal almost immediately.
"Hiyori," Once he had his attention, Ikuya began counting, soft and quiet as he let one hand reach up to Hiyori's hair, playing with the strands absentmindedly much like his mother used to do when he was young. Hiyori let his head drop onto Ikuya's shoulder, the angle awkward due to their height difference although he didn't seem to care as he struggled to take in enough air.
"You're doing well," Ikuya spoke quiet reassurances between counts, trying every possible thing he could think of to help Hiyori.
He was surprised to hear the defeated sob that escaped Hiyori as he struggled for breath, glancing as subtly as possible at Hiyori's face and holding him even closer to his side.
"Sorry," Hiyori's voice was so quiet that Ikuya barely heard, however, it sounded slightly more stable than it did previously
"You don't need to apologise," Ikuya reassured, hearing the shaky inhale Hiyori took in "Are you feeling any better?" This time Hiyori nodded against Ikuya's shoulder "Good, keep trying to take deep breaths okay?" Another nod and Ikuya continued running his hands through Hiyori's hair whilst he talked about some film that had come out recently, figuring that the trigger for the panic attack was something related to swimming or maybe even Haru and deciding to avoid those topics lest he set off another panic attack.
They stayed in the same position as Hiyori's breathing slowed back to its normal pace and even after that, they stayed there, watching the sun beginning to set until Ikuya managed to pluck up the courage to ask what was on his mind.
"You said that you've handled it before..." He wasn't too sure where to go with this next "You know you can come to me, right?"
Hiyori let out a sad chuckle
"I know that now, at the time not so much. We weren't on the best of terms at the time," There was only one time they had fallen out and although he didn't mean to say it in a way that would hurt Ikuya's feelings, he didn't want to make him think that he didn't trust him and couldn't come to him. It was purely circumstantial that it had happened that way.
"Hiyori..." Ikuya glanced at Hiyori's face "You can stay over at mine tonight, I..." He paused for a moment "I'm sorry I wasn't there last time. I want to make sure I'm there any time in the future,"
"Ikuya, I can't expect that of you," Typical Hiyori, not wanting to bother anyone only, Ikuya had a different idea in mind.
"No, I want to make sure I'm there any time in the future...I...I like you Hiyori...But I don't want to take advantage of this situation and ask you just yet..." Hiyori had lifted his head slightly, looking at Ikuya in bewilderment "I don't want to ask you when you've got other things on your mind,"
"Ikuya," Hiyori already knew the answer but he would abide by Ikuya's wishes "I'll think about it," His smile conveyed to Ikuya that there was no thinking to be done however, it was reassuring nonetheless.
"Come on then, I'll cook," Ikuya offered with a small smile
"Not on your own you won't," Hiyori warned. Although Ikuya wasn't necessarily a bad cook, he tended to get distracted which spelt disaster in the kitchen.
"Oh really? Come and catch me then," Ikuya teased, standing up and jogging off a little way.
"You're on," Hiyori challenged, feeling calmer than he had since their fight on the park. "And Ikuya," He turned back with his head tilted to the side in question "Thanks,"
"You don't need to thank me,"
"Oh yeah? Then tell me why you apologise any time you have a panic attack?"
"That's different,"
"Oh is it now?"
"Yeah,"
"If you say so,"