I knew that the time was near. I ran down the rustic wooden stairs of the old abandoned warehouse – dust drifted in the air as I took every step. I clutched the knife that I had in my bag closer to my chest. I've been planning for this moment for months now. The thing that was inside of me kicked and it felt like a sharp blade jabbing against my skin over and over again. I let out a large yelp of pain and I fell down onto the cold and splintered floor with trembling legs. The thing had to come out now – no it wanted to!
"Just come out already!" I yelled at it and I ripped open the bottom of my light blue sundress. I comforted myself against an old pile of newspapers that was right next to the stone-age printer. During the last few months I've read a lot of books on how to handle natural birth on your own, and even though I felt prepared for what was going to happen, I also felt the most excruciating pain I've ever felt, and that's not something that they put in most of the books or the brochures at the clinic. My whole lower body felt like it was burning from the inside out, so I pushed and pushed and screamed a lot for three more hours until I felt the head of the thing coming out. I screamed as loud as I could to express both my agony and trauma, took a deep breath, and reminded myself that I couldn't concentrate on the pain right now, because the best thing was to keep on going.
I pushed once and three more times until I felt the rest of the body coming out like a flood of water. The thing fell onto the floor and the sounds of my screams faded, and was quickly replaced by the soft sobs of a baby crying. The burning sensation was quickly replaced by a cool sensation of relaxation and calmness. I could feel the hot tears running down my face and I closed my eyes, and rested my head against the back of the pile of newspapers for a few seconds, taking it all in. I couldn't decide whether I was happy that the thing was finally out of me, or sad that I had to do something which I never deliberated on doing - murder. I opened my eyes again and I saw the thing laying stiff down on the cold floor, covered in nothing else but blood and vernix and a little bit of dust from the dirty old wooden floors from the factory.
This was it. I prodded my hand into my bag for the knife, and once I felt the cold metal handle on my fingertips, I took hold of it and raised it high up in the air with trembling hands. The shiny blade reflected the image of both me and the baby, and I shut the picture out of my mind. I steadied myself. I was ready to stab this monster right in the heart – but only when I really looked at it for the first time, and I mean really look at it, was when I realised that I couldn't do it. I wasn't a murderer, and it looked so pure. It seemed nothing like the monster I imagined it would be. I placed the metal knife down onto the floor slowly, and then picked the thing up and cradled it in my arms, letting out a soft gasp of joy as I smiled down on it. My heart filled with love, and my brain accepted responsibility for the first time. The more I looked at it, the more the time stopped around us. I couldn't take my eyes off of it – or shall I say the baby.
Unlike other babies it stopped crying, and without my help the baby had already started to breath on its own, which wasn't normal, but what mattered was that the baby was perfectly fine even though it was born under these conditions. It had perfect golden brown eyes and even in the darkness of the shabby abandoned factory, it had this bright glowing light surrounding the things body. That gave me even more reasons to kill it and to get rid of this monster that has made my life a living hell. The baby lifted its tiny hand into the air, reaching out to me . . . and pulling me in even deeper. I couldn't stop staring at it. It was the most beautiful baby that I've ever seen, and when I looked closer I saw that it was a little baby girl. It was my baby girl. Surprisingly, I let out another joyful laugh.
My mind told me that I had to kill her, but I couldn't bring myself to kill her because I already loved her. This thing, no this abomination, was the reason for everything that has happened this past year and a half. It was against everything I believed in. I tried to tell everyone what happened that night and what was going to happen – but no one believed me, and instead they sent me off to a mental facility so that I couldn't hurt myself or the baby. Even my own father, who used to be my best friend, told me with a disgusted voice that I was the one who sinned, and girls who sin gets punished. He told me that I was a disgrace to the family. Everyone thought that I was just some foolish teenage girl who wanted to get attention, and after being diagnosed with schizophrenia, depression and plenty of other mental diseases, it kind of made sense not only to me, but to those who I thought were my friends and family as well.
I even thought at a point that I had gone crazy. I thought that the man that I learnt to love and who drove me crazy, and that I saw every night in my dreams was only a hallucination. I thought that it was all in my mind, but now here, with this baby girl in my arms, I knew nothing that I had lived through was a hallucination. It all was real and I am not crazy.
I took out the blanket from my purse. I used my knife to cut the band that I had in my hair to use it as a string to tie off the umbilical cord so that we didn't bleed to death, using all the skills that I have learnt whilst being in nursing school and having a gynaecologist for a father. I bundled the baby inside of the spare blanket that I would've used to hide it inside of before I buried it, and I held it close. I got up and I saw the horrific sight of blood splattered everywhere.
My legs felt weak and I felt horrible and dizzy. I limped out of the shabby factory with all the energy that I had left and eventually reached my truck. I got in and drove to the nearest diner where I asked them if they could warm up some milk and a glass of water for me, and I fed the baby – still not taking my eyes off of her. They all stared at me and I could hear them whisper to each other as I passed by, but that was probably because I was covered in blood and I looked bizarre. Most of them probably thought that I stole the baby, but I couldn't care less. This was my responsibility now and I wasn't going to let anything harm this baby girl because she was mine.
I got back to my small apartment. When I stepped inside I saw that it was a mess, and definitely not a place for a baby to live in. What did I expect? I didn't actually plan on having this baby for I planned to kill it, but life chose for me – no, she chose for me. I went to the sink and I washed the baby off. She was quiet and I think that was because she was just as tired and emotionally drained as I was. I remembered moving here just after I escaped the Topeka State Hospital. I couldn't take it there anymore, and they would've taken this baby girl away from me as soon as I gave birth because I was 'mentally unsuitable to raise a child'. I couldn't remember much from what happened tonight, but I knew that I was exhausted as hell. As I cradled the baby in my arms while in bed, I knew that I would never forget this day, and that I would never let anything harm my child.
This day was the first day that I actually knew how true love felt.
A few weeks passed since the birth, and one day when I returned home from nursing school I heard nothing but an awful silence, and I knew something was wrong because the babysitter would've come to greet me by the door by now. I ran to the baby's room and I saw the babysitter, lying down on the floor in a pool of her own blood. I gasped and when I looked at the crib I saw a man standing at the side of the crib. He had my baby in his arms, and he was caressing her. I took a step closer and out of nowhere two men grabbed me from the sides and held me back as soon as I tried to lunge towards him. I tried to shake myself out of their grips but they were too strong.
"She's such a beautiful child." The man said in an alluring voice. He brushed his long fingers across the baby's forehead and for some reason I could feel myself cringe on the inside. Chills ran down my spine and the room felt cold and the energy was dark.
"You leave her alone. If you harm a hair on her body I swear I will hunt you down and tear you apart limb from limb, and don't think that I am joking." I gritted through my teeth. He turned around and he gave me a wicked smile. I jerked around and tried to get out of the men that held me back grips, but they didn't even flinch. He made a tut-tut sound with his mouth and he wagged his finger at me.
"I'm glad you still recognise me after all that time in the looney-bin. I heard that they didn't treat you that well, what a shame that is. On a brighter note, we did have a lovely time together before everything spiralled out of control. You can't deny it." He said in a sly voice. "Don't worry, I won't take the child now, but someday I will come and claim this child for her true destiny." He put the baby back into the crib and faced me. I felt relieved that the child wasn't in his arms anymore, but I wanted to kill him even more because I felt so much anger inside of me, but at the same time I was terrified of what he was going to do not only to me, but also to the baby. I should've killed him when I had the chance. "I must say I would've been very hurt if you did not recognise me."
"How could I forget? You did put me through hell." I snapped at him and he let out a loud hollow laugh that echoed in my ears. "Now you listen to me . . . you will not hurt my baby!"
"Be quiet woman! The child is trying to sleep. Didn't you know that it's a bit rude to be so loud?" He ordered and I kept quiet without any questions followed. I was terrified that if I said something he would hurt not only me, but that he would try and take the baby away from me. "If I want to take this child I will and if you try and stop me again I will send you to everlasting torture, and I hate torturing people. It really messes up my day." He said casually and I gulped.
"You messed up my life. . ." I gritted through my teeth from anger and he rolled his eyes at me, as if I was dramatizing everything.
"Me - me – me . . . the whole bloody time. Even though I could kill this child right now you still only care for your own wellbeing. You disgust me you self-obsessed girl." He said in disgust and he turned away from me and back to the baby – observing it with plenty of intrigue in his eyes.
I saw my chance and shook myself loose from the goons' grips, and I placed both my hands on the two men at my side's faces, letting out all my energy and before they could do anything they turned into ashes. I leaped forward and tried to attack him from behind but he sensed it coming and with one quick reflex he threw me against the wall. I fell down and I hit my head hard against the corner of the table, and with one last sight of his wicked smile, I passed out.
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Side Note:
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