Augustine's words had bothered me since they left his lips. That's what they think.
There was no use in speculating what he meant. Half of what I surmised about that man turned out to be incorrect. My time was better spent focusing on that which was in my control.
I sat in one of the parlors having a cup of tea while I did research on summer arts programs in the city—a part of my scheme to get the kids to be in the same place as their father as often as possible. The more I thought about the loft, the harder it was not to remember the time I spent there. So much untapped potential, and such a willing and eager participant.
I squeezed my knees together to quell my longing. If only he were an eager participant in other ways, I told myself. That thought killed my mood easily.
After my last sip of tea, I stood to leave the room and nearly ran into two of the housekeepers. Two young women I didn't know and probably never would. "Sorry," I apologized. They both stepped backward, apologizing while they removed themselves from my path as if I were royalty.
As I watched them walk away, giggling to themselves, it made me long for a friend. Someone with who I could share tea time.
Matthew burst through the front doors, tearing me from my thoughts, and my loneliness. He ran through the foyer and up the stairs, a grin on his face.
When he made it to the top, he pumped both of his fists in the air. "I'm done!" he said with glee.
I smiled. "You're done with testing. There's still another week of school."
He sneered. "But I don't have to go to that. They won't be teaching anything new."
"Sure, but you still have a final and the last part of your assignments."
His sneer gained the company of an eye roll. "You're such a buzzkill. I'm going to play video games."
I laughed at his naivety while following him into the lounge. "You have an hour, then you're finishing your paper."
"Yeah, yeah, sure."
My phone began the song signaling Crystal's facetime attempt. I stared at it for a moment before rejecting it. I texted her back immediately. Sorry! I'm with Matthew right now.
Yes, I was near him, but it was only a matter of time before she realized I was avoiding her.
My phone pinged again. Why are you avoiding me?
Ten seconds was a matter of time.
I sighed when I knew it was time to tell her. "I'll be right back, okay? I need to call my friend."
"You have friends?" he quipped with a mischievous smile. He was such a little Augustine.
Much like I did with his father, I didn't dignify him with a response.
I walked through the playroom and stepped outside onto the balcony. The sun was glaring and hotter than expected. I slipped under the awning, plugged in an earbud, and called her back.
"Hey, I'm sorry," I said when her face appeared.
"You're sorry? I haven't talked to you in, like, two weeks. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine! I'm sorry, I just . . ." I looked around me and back through the windows at Matthew who had made himself very comfortable on the couch with the company of his video game. With no one in earshot, I still whispered, "I had sex with the widower."
Her mouth dropped open. "Oh my god, you did?"
"Yeah. A few times now."
"A few—a few times?" she stammered with astonishment. "How long has this been going on?"
I hung my head in my hand in shame. "About a month."
I watched as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "A month?" she repeated slowly in that punishing, parental way. "Girl, if you do not give me the details, I am going to drive down there and murder you."
I rubbed a hand over my face, not sure where to start. "Well . . . He's not a dom."
"What?"
"He's a switch."
"Fuck my ass. Are you serious?"
"Yeah."
"Holy fucking shit! Girl . . . My mind is blown right now," she continued her gushing. "You're not fucking with me, right? This is real life—it really happened?"
"It really happened," I assured her. "He finally let me top him last time he was here, which was . . . very enjoyable."
"Yes, bitch!" she pumped me up.
"Well . . . it was enjoyable while it was happening. Not so much after it was over."
"Why's that?"
I rolled my eyes. "I can't figure out why he thinks providing for the kids and being there for them is the same thing." I shook my head with annoyance, still trying to understand his last words. "It's like he thinks he's saving them from him. As if being around them too much would harm them more than being gone."
Her brow furrowed with confusion. "What's that about? The wife?"
"I think so. He never talks about her, but he still wears his ring . . . Something happened, and months later, I still have no idea what that 'something' is," I admit. "He's letting me closer, letting himself be a little more vulnerable with me, but I don't know if he trusts me enough to open up."
"Yet," she adds.
". . . Yet." My mouth twists.
She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Maybe you have to persuade him more? Make him let go of his last shred of power and truly submit to you—mentally and emotionally, not just physically."
"I don't know if he'd ever let that happen."
"It wouldn't hurt to try. Well . . . it wouldn't hurt you." Her giggle made me smile, but I felt guilty for that too. "You're a badass, Aub. He's a challenge, but you can figure him out. I know you can."
I had played this game before—letting the exchange of power bleed past the physical—but it never ended well. Vulnerability is hard for some people, especially people who have a lot of pain tucked away inside them.
I would know that better than anyone.
"I'm not making a mistake, am I?" I asked her.
She sighed. "If you are, you're making it for the right reasons."
As much as I wanted to believe her, it didn't feel that way. But, it was either I used the best of my abilities to be the voice of reason in his ear, or let him continue being his stubborn, detached self until he ultimately found an excuse to tear me from the kids, and tear his relationship with them to shreds.
"I should get back. It's Matthew's last week of school," I explained. "Love you."
"Love you too."
We ended the call and I took a moment to assess how I felt. The curiosity still lied beneath the guilt, which reassured the belief that my intention was misplaced. I shook it off and walked back inside.
When I made it to the lounge, I plopped myself onto the couch next to Matthew. He looked at me expectantly. "Keep playing," I told him. I pulled his head closer to me and pressed a kiss to his temple. He smiled and went back to shooting aliens.
I would always encourage him to hold onto any innocence he had left. Lord knew I had thrown mine in the fire long ago.
"I did it, I did it!" Sebastian ran into the room screaming. So out of character for a child as shy as he was.
"You did what?" I yelled back with excitement.
He held a piece of paper out to me. "I get to play at Carnie the Hall!"
I giggled at his mispronunciation. When I took the official paper from his grasp, I read it and felt an overwhelming sense of glee for his accomplishment. "You get to play at Carnegie Hall?!" I asked him. He jumped up and down, a huge smile on his face. He reached up and hugged his tiny arms around my neck.
I wanted to cry. He was thrilled as he should have been.
"Will you come watch me?" he asked.
"Of course I will! I wouldn't miss it for the world!"
"And will Daddy come too?"
My palpable hesitation brought me shame. "Of course he will, sweetheart."
I'd be damned if I turned out to be a liar.
. . .
Later that day, I called the infamous absentee father and was surprised when he picked up. "Montgomery."
"It's Aubrey," you twat, I finished in my head. "Sebastian has been invited to play in the Children's Musical Showcase at Carnegie Hall," I said proudly.
"Just a moment." There were muffled sounds of shouting and laughing. "Sorry. When?" His question was lackluster yet it still showed interest. I accepted the small victory.
"Next Saturday. I was hoping you'd be home by then."
"I was set to be in London."
"Then can you please try to rearrange your schedule? He is so excited and wants you there more than anything."
A pause extended too long. "Yes, I will see what I can do."
"This is important, Augustine." I used his first name to drive in my point. "It's a huge honor and a once-in-a-lifetime kind of memory. Do not make him remember you not being there."
When he didn't respond, I looked at my phone to see if he had hung up. "I said I'll see what I can do," he growled and then ended the call.
We'd both see what he could do.
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A/N: Thank you for reading! Please be sure to vote, comment, and add to your library if you want more!