"Nononononono," I frantically yell as I fumbled with the buttons on the controller.
"Fuck yeah!" Michael stood up, cheering.
I slumped down in my seat, not believing he really beat me.
"I believe someone owes me $10," he smirks over at me, hand open, waiting for the bill to be placed on his palm.
I pulled out the ten dollar bill I had in my back pocket and hesitantly (and very sadly) gave it to him.
"Can't believe you actually beat me in Mario kart," I pout. I've been the champ at Mario kart for as long as I could remember, but that's only because I suck at every other game I try to play with Michael.
"I can't believe I actually won," he says, a huge smile on his face.
"That's it. I'm ruined. I'm gone. I can't ever show my face in public again," I over dramatize, making Michael laugh.
"It's okay, maybe you'll have a closer race next time," he pats the top of my head before he makes his way the kitchen.
I shut off the game and put it away, although I'm sure we'll have a rematch later.
"Hey Al, wanna go get food?" I hear Michael call from the kitchen.
"Only if you're buying! I mean, you are filthy rich now," I sarcastically say as I walk into the kitchen. Michael is opening and closing every cabinet in my kitchen, not quite satisfied with the food I had in there.
"Since you lost I say you buy. But don't worry, I'll lend you some money," he walks past me laughing as he heads back to the living room.
I just roll my eyes, "Gee, you're so generous."
"Should we invite the boys?" Michael asks as he starts throwing on some shoes. Surprisingly, we haven't really talked to Calum and Luke in a week. I texted Calum to make sure he was ok, but I keep trying to write to Luke and quickly deleting it before I could hit send the send button.
"What if we brought it to their place?" I suggest to Michael. He looks up and me and shrugs, agreeing to go along with it.
We stop by Wing Stop to pick up some appetizer foods for all of us to share.
"I'm nervous," I say to Michael. We turn the corner onto the street of their house.
"About what?" He asks, not taking his eyes off the road. We pull onto the curb outside of their house, but neither of us move to exit the car.
I finally turn to Michael, "I don't know what's going on with Luke."
"Well, maybe you should try asking him that." Michael tries to suggest to me as gently as possible. I know he's right. It's not fair that I keep bouncing all this back and forth on Michael.
"I know." I sigh. We unbuckle our seat belts and finally leave the car. As we walk up the driveway, I see a familiar brown headed boy peak his head through the window. He opens the door before we could even knock.
"It's about time you guys came over," Calum lightheartedly says. We walk in to see an empty living room.
"Luke's in the backyard," Calum looks to me, motioning with his head towards it.
"I'll be right back," I hand over the food to Calum and immediately make my way to him.
It was a beautiful, sunny day here in Los Angeles. Not a single cloud in the sky and a gentle breeze constantly flowing through.
"Hey, Luke" I give him a small smile as I approach. He's sitting in the lounge chairs by the pool with his guitar.
I don't even know if he wants to see me right now.
He doesn't respond but only waves lightly with the hand he's holding his guitar pick in, his other hand grasping tightly onto guitar.
"Mind if I join you?" I hesitantly ask. Again, no words. Just a silent motion for me to sit in the chair near him.
We sit in silence and I just stare at him. His hair is getting longer now. Curlier. I grew fond of him styling his hair so it's out of his face, but I enjoy this look more. It suits him.
He doesn't make eye contact with me but rather stares at the ground, fiddling with the strings on his guitar to fill the silence.
"Can I hear you play something?" I gently ask. But immediately I'm taken back when he sets his guitar down and stands up.
"I'm not really in the mood," I hear him mumble as he walks towards the edge of the pool.
I feel the anxiety begin to swell up in me. I don't know if I should leave or stay.
Stay.
I stand up and walk over to Luke, gently placing my hand on his back and turning him so I can see his face. Thankfully he doesn't rip away again. I don't if my heart could have handled that.
Still silent, I find myself speaking to fill the void of silence.
"Listen, Luke. I don't know what's been going on with you. I don't know what's been going on with me either. We're in a rut. A very bad rut. I think we can both feel that," finally he looks up at me with those sad blue eyes. I'd give anything to see them sparkle again.
I continue to speak, "I know a lot of this is my fault. I haven't been making it easy for you. And I'm sorry. I miss you, and I miss talking with you, and laughing with you. I think we both really just need to take some time together to really work through this. I know it's hard when we're always surrounded by Michael and Calum. And that hasn't been fair to you either because I know I'm the one always dragging them along." My hand slides down his arm to grab his hand. Again, he doesn't pull away.
"What do you say we go to the beach. Sunsets in about an hour. We can sit by the water, just us two, and really try to figure out where we stand. I think we need it because we've been avoiding it," his eyes shoot from my hands holding his into my eyes, "ok, I've been avoiding it. And it's not fair to you."
We stare at each other in silence. I can't read what he's thinking. His face remains emotionless, but his hands remain locked in mine. Finally he breaks our staring contest by looking at our hands and pulling them close to his chest. I can feel my heart in his throat, scared of what he's going to say.
"Okay." He breathes out.
"Yeah?" A small smile quickly appears on my face.
He finally cracks a small smile and responds with a soft, "yeah."
We walk inside, hand in hand, up to the front room where Michael and Calum are joking around about something. They both get silent as we walk in.
"So, um, we're going to go to the beach," I stutter. Calum and Michael don't move an inch. "I'm taking the car but we'll be back after sunset, ok?"
I quickly drag Luke out of the house before I could even hear a response. I just feel bad for not inviting them. It always feels like their around and I don't want them to be left out because it's not a fun feeling when your friends completely abandon you for a relationship. Plus, I'd be lying if I said being alone with Luke and my feelings scares me sometimes.
**
We find a cozy spot thats a distance away from the other people on the beach. The Santa Monica Pier stands brightly to our left and the strong ocean in front of us.
Luke wraps the large blanket we brought around the both of us.
"So," I begin awkwardly.
"So," Luke chuckles, mimicking my actions.
"How have you been?" I genuinely ask. I look to him and he's staring out towards the water. The waves loudly crash against the sand, calming me inside. The way that the golden hour light shines upon his face makes him glow like the sun. He radiates warmth, even when he tries to be cold to me.
"I'm thinking of going back to Australia," he suddenly says.
I let out a small gasp, not expecting those words to come out of his mouth.
"But why?" I grab his hand in mine again.
He looks at me, still, with no emotions. I feel my heart ache, almost like someone is squeezing it. Without hesitation, I pull him in for a hug, fiddling with some of the hair on the back of his head. He wraps his arms tightly around me.
"I cant do it," he says into my shirt. "I don't know what I did wrong, but I can't bare to see you, knowing you're not in this as much as I am. It's too much."
I pull away so I can look into his eye. That's when I see a small, silent tear rolling down his cheek. My eyes begin to sting.
"Oh, Luke." I say softly. I run my hand through the side of his hair, his head gently resting upon it.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I've been so indecisive, it hasn't been fair to you." He brings up a corner of the blanket and gently wipes away my tears.
"You've been trying so hard, I know that. And I haven't been giving you the same amount of effort. I want to change that though. I want to you Luke." I say, although if I were him, I wouldn't be believing these words either. It's not fair how I've been treating him. I've been so selfish and thinking about how this is affecting me, but I forgot to think about how it's affecting him.
"Please don't leave. Stay. Stay here with me. Let's fix this. Let's work through this. I don't want you to leave." At this point, I'm on my knees and facing him, begging for any word that indicates that he'll stay.
"But how, Al? We've been saying that for months now, ever since I've been back. But it feels like nothing has changed. I feel like we're running in circles." He lets out a small sigh. I would do anything for him. Absolutely anything.
"I don't know yet but I want to to make it right. Let me work for it this time. Just please. Don't leave. Not yet." I sit back down and hug Luke tighter than I have in a while. We slowly lay down, just staring into the abyss of the colorful sky.
"No," he finally says after a couple of minutes of silence. I look up at him, my heart pounding. He continues, "if we're going to make this work, we both need to put on effort. It's a 50/50 relationship. It's not fair to let one person do all the work."
"I can tell you've thought about this a lot," I say.
He looks back down at me, his eyes appearing green from the yellow sun, "I have." He pulls me in tighter and we just lay there, no one saying a word.
The sun disappears under the horizon line. The sky turns from a shade of pastel pinks and purples before it turns a darker indigo blue. The wind begins to pick up. I try to wrap the blanket around us more.
"Cold?" He asks, rubbing my arms to help keep me warm. I just nod.
He moves to sit up, forcing me to sit up too.
"Should we head back?" He asks sincerely.
In those moments of looking at him, I just new I wanted more than anything else to be alone with him.
"Yeah, but let's stay in your room. We can watch a movie or something, just us." He smiles after I said those words.
"I'd love that." He stands up, holding his hands out to help me up. We both walk back to my car, me clinging onto his arm and us happily chatting about what movie we should watch.
I feel safe with him. I feel comfortable, like nothing bad could ever happen. I don't know why I ever fought this idea. I wasted so much time worrying about myself rather than spending time with him.
Finally we decide on watching a classic that will make us laugh, Nacho Libre.
When we arrive home, Calum and Michael are playing away at some FIFA video game.
"Hey! How'd it go?" Calum asks, his gaze still locked on the TV.
"Good." I smile up at Luke, who returns the gesture to me. We take off our sandy shoes and leave them outside. Michael and Calum are too distracted to talk further, so we are able to slip away to Luke's room.
I immediately flop myself onto Luke's bed. It feels like a cloud. He laughs, taking off his jacket and throwing it onto a chair.
"Do you want a jacket or something?" He asks. He ruffles through his closet, taking out an old black shirt for him to change into. I nod excitedly.
If there's one thing I miss more than anything, it's wearing his sweaters. They fit largely on me, but they're comfortable (and they smell like him).
He throws a navy blue sweater over to me, one of the softest ones that he has. "Ooh, you're treating me well tonight." I joke as I take off my jacket to replace it with his.
He laughs, coming to join me in the bed. "Well, only the best for the best."
I give him a quick kiss, smiling happily, before we settle into our spots. I miss snuggling up to him. He's warm. A lot warmer than the cold outside air.
He turns on the movie, which turns into us mostly just trying to mimic Jack Black's accent in it. I forgot how much fun this was. I feel like I haven't let myself truly be with him in a while. But it's nice.
As the movie inches towards the end, I feel myself drifting off.
"I just want to lie here forever. Forget about everyone out there." I say in a daze, almost asleep.
"Me too," he says softly. He gently combs his fingers through my hair, a weakness that will definitely put me to sleep.
"Goodnight, Al."