It's funny how long a second can feel. One moment in time, stretched into what seems to be forever. It's all normal paced, Nick and I's shouting match, the tears threatening to spill over, and then...
The impact.
A bright white light. Crunching metal. My neck whips forward, then hits the airbag, then swings left, then right, as if moshing at concert. Fine white powder snows down. A scream sounds in the distance. An awful, gut-wrenching scream that I is coming from a girl's mouth that I don't even recognize.
I'm a bystander, looking within the twisted light blue metal, as the awful, horrible second of time unfolds.
It's funny, how all these events, all these moments within one second, can feel like eternity
Then everything goes black.
****
I'm weightless.
My body launches so high up I feel like I can almost grasp the clouds. I land on my feet but collapse to the ground, the trampoline springs squeaking in protest. I look up at the sky, the branches of my willow tree in my childhood backyard dotting my peripherals.
It's so calm.
I look to my side, and there he is. All smiles and dimples. Nick can't be older than eleven years here, and guessing by my small statue, neither can I.
He says something unintelligible, but I guess I somehow understand because my body boils with laughter. A melodic giggle escapes from my lips, and he's laughing with me, and everything seems okay in the world.
I close my eyes and allow myself to soak up the sun and the smell of freshly cut grass. I allow myself to forget all the inconveniences of growing up.
Then everything goes black.
***
"You're just going to leave us!"
I'm in my backyard, but despite the distance I can still hear the screaming from inside.
"What about Leighton? What the hell am I supposed to do by myself?"
I focus on the dangling of my legs off the edge of the trampoline. I kick them back and forth with such force that I can feel it rock beneath me.
"Fuck you, Greg!"
The front door slams shut.
I jump off the edge, running as fast as my short legs can take me. I see my dad, key inserted in the car door.
"Where are you going, Dad?"
He freezes but doesn't turn around. His hand twists the key into the lock.
"Where are you going?" I ask again, but louder. Maybe he can't hear me.
This time he doesn't freeze. He rips open the car door and slams it shut behind him. My heart sinks. I run up to the car window, but he rolls it up, his face stoic.
"What's wrong, Dad?" I ask. Sweat pools on the back of my neck. "Why are you ignoring me?"
He shifts the gears, turning to look out the rear windshield. He's leaving, and no one has to tell me that he's not coming back.
"Dad, answer me!" I yell. My eyes grow hot. I follow after his car as he zooms out of our driveway. "What did I do wrong!"
It's too late, though, because before I can choke out my last words, his car is gone. I don't know when I drop to my knees.
Then everything goes black.
**
"This blows," Bethany says, turning onto her back on the lounging chair. "This was supposed to be our summer. What the heck am I supposed to do when you're gone?"
Nathan swims up to the ledge of the pool with Jack in tow. "Don't worry, Bethany, we'll keep you company." He splashes water at us. Barely any of the water touches us, but that doesn't stop Bethany from letting out an exasperated huff.
"Jesus, now I'm going to be stuck with you Neanderthals. Tell me how this can get any worse."
"Maybe a hug will make you feel better," Nathan says, lifting himself out of the pool, his body dripping in water. Bethany's piercing shriek follows shortly after as she books it inside her house with Nathan hot on her heels. Now it's just Jack and I, and the energy between us instantly shifts.
"Do you really have to go?" he asks. I can't tell if there is a hint of sadness behind his words.
I nod my head. "I tried to get out of it everyway I could, but my mom keeps saying that Kelly and Nick really need our help."
His eyebrows scrunch. "Who's Nick?" I search his expression for any sign of jealousy, but I can't tell if I'm imagining it or not.
"I thought I told you? He's Kelly's son. We used to be best friends growing up."
"It will just be you two... alone?"
"And our moms of course. Don't worry. I'll be back in August before you even notice I'm gone."
He flashes me a nervous smile. "Well, that's good, because I really didn't want to go to the summer dance alone, and I was hoping you could help me out with that?"
I can't contain the blinding smile on my face. "I would love to."
He lets out a deep breath, his smile now matching mine. In this moment, I want nothing more than to close my eyes, to savor how it feels to be a girl who liked a boy that liked her back. I'm all warm and fuzzy on the inside, and as I look at Jack, I know that it's not because of the hot Ohio sun.
Then everything goes black.
*
When I open my eyes, I'm greeted by my mom's face looking down at me, her eyes red. "Thank God!" she yells, burying her head into my chest. The room I'm in is blue, white, and sterile, and I'm having a hard time separating if it is real or not until I see Kelly standing on the other side of me, her eyes only slightly less bloodshot.
"What's going on?" My voice is so croaky that I hardly recognize it as mine.
"Honey," Kelly says, stroking her hands atop my hair, "you were in a car accident an hour ago."
The memories rush back to me: the fight, the bright lights, the crunching glass. She must sense my panic, because she continues. "Don't worry, the doctors did a head CT and you're fine. You just have a concussion from the impact." I nod my head, trying to put the puzzle together. It isn't until then that I realize that someone is missing.
"Where's Nick?" I ask, getting up so fast that my head starts to spin.
"Easy Leighton," my mom says, placing her hand on my shoulder. "He's perfectly fine, he just wanted to go back to the ranch."
My eyebrows furrow in confusion. "He didn't want to see me?" I can't mask the hurt in my voice.
My mom is quiet. When I turn towards Kelly, she hesitates. I can tell that she doesn't know what to say either. "He's going through a lot right now," she tries, but she can't hide her disappointment.
I lay back on my pillow. The tiled ceiling above me blurs as my eyes grow hot. I'm the one in the hospital, after his recklessness, and he can't bother to see me? Anger boils inside of me. This whole summer I've been so sympathetic to what he has been going through, but now, I realize, I've just been making excuses.
Yes, he's going through a hard time, but we all do. All that any of us have been allowing ourselves to do is enable him to stay stuck in his grief. I can't help but feel stupid that it took me a car crash to finally realize.
I don't speak after that. I talk only when the doctor walks into the room to examine me, and even then all I can muster are one word answers. When he tells me that I don't have to stay the night for observation, all I do is nod.
When Kelly and my mom leave to fill out the paperwork, I notice my phone at my bed stand. I gingerly pick it up and find myself hopping that I will see anything from Nick when I turn it on. But I have no new notifications, and anger grows in me once more as I thumb through my contact list and press Nick's name. He answers after the first ring.
"Leighton?" He asks. His voice is soft and hoarse.
"Why didn't you stay to see me?"
He doesn't answer, but I can hear his breathing through the phone.
"I said," I try to keep my voice firm. "Why didn't you stay and see me?"
He takes a moment to respond. "You're in there because of me Leighton. I-" he pauses. "I felt like I already did enough."
My words shake. "You don't get to do that." I can hear him intake a sharp breath. "You don't get to go around doing reckless things and then pretend to be the hero in the end."
"I'm not trying to be the hero-"
"Yes, you are," I cut him off, my voice cracking. My tough façade is wearing away. "You like to do selfish things and then act like somehow you're being my knight in shining armor."
His voice is shaky. "I don't think that I'm your knight in shining armor. You're in there because of me. Look, I know that I fucked up tonight, and I promise you that I never wanted for you to get hurt."
"Don't you get it," I cry, "the problem isn't just that you hurt me. The problem is that you don't care about your own wellbeing. You just get drunk and drive and don't give a fuck about your own safety or anyone's around you. I mean, how many times have you driven drunk before?"
He doesn't answer.
"You don't realize how selfish you are when you do that and put yourself in harm's way. What would Kelly do if you got hurt? What would I do? You say that you care about the people around you, but if you did, you would care about yourself."
"I know that I'm an idiot and a fuck up, but I do care about you. More than you could ever imagine. After my dad died, I didn't think that I had anything to live for; But after all of this, I realize that I want to live for you, Leighton, because I love you."
I've never heard Nick like this, his emotions so raw, that I can't mask my own feelings anymore. Tears flow down my face. "Don't you understand Nick? The whole problem is that you don't want to live for yourself."
"Isn't loving you enough?"
I choke back a sob. "Until you can learn to live for and love yourself, how do you expect to love anyone else?"
He stays quiet.
"I talked to my mom, and she said that I can leave tomorrow. Most of the farm tasks for the summer are already done, and I think it would be better for both of us if I left."
"Please don't do this."
I can hear the pleading in his voice. It would be so easy to give in, to decide that I could ignore everything wrong between us and stay in the bubble we've been living in the entire summer, but I can't.
"Goodbye, Nick." I say.
I hang up.