WARNING: MATURE CONTENT AHEAD
For the next few days, Rico and I were both...off. Rico snapped on everyone even more than usual, and finally it got to the point where he didn't want anyone around him but me.
I was still feeling completely empty inside and didn't really want him around me acting like that, either, but in a strange way my love for him was a million times stronger than it had been before. I guess I "awakened my Kundalini," as Rico put it. He said that now that I was in touch with my "sacrum chakra," I could have my "mind blown like that" any time I wanted, "just say the word."
But I didn't want "my mind blown" like that.
Ever again.
Once the euphoria wore off, I started feeling like how junkies acted when they were coming down off their high.
It was the worst feeling I had ever felt.
He promised that the next time he would go easy on me and wouldn't take me over the edge like that again.
I still didn't want to.
My headaches kept coming. Each one worse than the one before. I asked him to take me to the hospital.
He wouldn't.
He said that I just needed to stay in the room with the lights off and they would eventually go away.
He was right. The headaches were coming less frequently, and the pain eventually turned into more of a dull ache than a sharp, sudden stabbing. I stayed mostly in the back room for a few more days anyway, because it was the darkest and the coolest room, and the furthest away from Rico and his mood swings. I couldn't wait until his "Kundalini" wore off, too.
Then everything could go back to normal.
It was one of the days that Rico was really on one, having already yelled at me once early that morning to get back in the room and stay there, that Remmey and Christian decided to come over.
No one had been to our house in over a week.
I didn't even think twice about wandering out into the living room in one of the see-through babydoll nighties that Rico liked for me to wear around the house.
I thought that maybe it would put him in a better mood.
But when I got to the front room, I stopped dead in my tracks. Remmey was the first person I saw. He was sitting on the couch next to Christian. His eyes met mine and I couldn't move or look away.
There was a bag of heroin on the table and Rico was balancing some of it on a spoon, holding a lighter underneath. Christian was holding a needle, angled into the spoon, and tapping his foot impatiently. When I finally looked away from Remmey, and over at Rico and Christian, I immediately realized what they were doing and screamed.
"Christian!"
I didn't mean to. I couldn't help it. I knew what he did, I just had never seen him do it. Christian, who didn't even realize that I was standing there until I screamed, jumped and bumped the spoon out of Rico's hand. The spoon fell to the floor, burning Rico on the way down.
Rico jumped up as soon as the spoon hit the floor and was on me before anyone could register what was going on.
He slapped my face.
"Didn't I tell you to stay in the fucking room?" He slapped my face again and grabbed my arm, pointing to the wasted heroin. "That's money, Jazz. What the fuck did I tell you to do?"
He punched me in the eye, so hard that I fell to the floor, and then he got on top of me.
Christian, who had probably been trying to decide between stopping Rico and saving his heroin, suddenly jumped up and pulled Rico off me.
Then he started swinging.
He was really whooping Rico's butt. I hadn't seen him fight since we were kids, and I forgot that he even could fight. Rico started reaching for the knife that he always kept just beneath his pants leg, and Remmey stood up.
"Young boy," Remmey said calmly, stepping closer.
Christian paused and looked at Rico like he was deciding what to do. Rico started to reach under his pants leg again. If he got to that hunting knife, I knew Rico would slice Christian all the way up.
Rico seemed to think about it, and then changed his mind and straightened back up. He chuckled under his breath. "Control your son, Remmey."
Rico and Remmey locked eyes.
Remmey gripped Christian's shoulder with one large hand and pulled him off Rico.
"Handle yo' bidness, young boy." Remmey nodded to the open piece of tin foil still sitting on the table.
Christian's eyes met Remmey's, and then after only a split second, he relaxed and went over to the table. When Christian sat down, he looked at the heroin and then back over at me. I was still sitting on the floor, afraid to move, afraid to speak. Rico had never hit me before.
No man but Papa had ever hit me before.
Christian's eyes bore into mine, silently begging me to look away from him so that he could finish doing what he had come there to do.
I did.
When I lowered my eyes away from Christian's, I suddenly remembered what I was wearing. I wanted to cover up but was afraid to bring the attention back to myself.
Remmey grinned at Rico and held out his hand to help Rico up off the floor. Once Rico was back on his feet, Remmey didn't let go of Rico's hand but stepped closer to him and kept his eyes on Rico's.
"She yours now, ha?" Remmey said quietly.
"That's what the fuck we agreed on," Rico snapped quickly. "Right."
Remmey stepped even closer to Rico, and his grin turned into a different kind of grin. That's the only way I can describe it. I had never seen him look at anyone that way before.
"But she still mine." Remmey looked even deeper into Rico's eyes. "Huh, bruh." Rico didn't answer. "All this shit mine." Remmey moved even closer, and they were almost nose to nose. "All these soldiers mine. All the guns mine. All the fuzz mine. All these politicians mine. All the dope mine. This block mine...tha whole ma' fuckin' pipeline mine." He still had a firm grip on Rico's hand. "Don't forget who da fuck who, nigga."
Rico remained silent.
Remmey kept Rico's eyes locked with his.
"I can't control what a man do in his own house." Rico stood taller and looked mad enough to spit. "Huh, bruh." They stared ferociously at each other. Remmey grinned wider. Rico backed down a little. "Don't put your hands on her in front of me again, ya heard?"
Rico looked away from Remmey and over at me. His eyes told me that as soon as they left...I better run.
I looked away from Rico and fought back tears.
I thought he loved me.
Remmey looked over at me, too, and then back at Rico. "Huh, bruh." Rico looked back into Remmey's eyes and gave one curt nod.
Remmey let him go.
Christian was leaned back against the couch and stood up when Remmey started walking toward the door.
Christian walked right up to Rico and stood in front him. But he spoke to me. "Jazz," Christian continued to stare into Rico's eyes, "put your clothes on. You wit' me and Claire tonight."
Remmey, who was now standing by the door, gave Rico that same grin and Rico nodded his head angrily from me to the door, like he was silently telling me "Get the fuck out."
His silent words were loud enough for me to hear.
I scrambled to the back and quickly threw on my clothes. When I came back out into the front room, Christian and Rico were still standing nose to nose.
Remmey watched me walk past them, toward him, and then he turned and walked out the door.
I followed.
Christian followed me.
We barely made it to the house before Christian nodded out.
The next day, as soon as I got home, Rico stood up from the couch and watched me as I froze for a second and stared at him, then hesitantly stepped through the door and locked it behind me.
Rico's hands moved down to his belt, and I thought he was about to take it off and beat me with it, like Papa used to do.
He did take it off, but then he dropped it on the floor.
Rico walked over to me and put his hand under my chin, looking to see if he had given me a black eye.
He hadn't.
It was only a little red and puffy.
He kissed my eye, and then my cheek where he had slapped me. Then he unbuttoned my blouse and slipped it slowly down over my shoulders. He kissed my back tenderly, and then turned me around to face him.
"I won't do this to you." His fingers lightly traced the scars on my back. "I'm sorry, baby." He pulled me to him and kissed my lips softly. "I'm sorry." He unzipped my jeans and pushed them down over my hips. I stepped out of them as he pulled his shirt over his head and took his own jeans off. "I'm sorry," he said again and walked me back into the wall. Then he grabbed my thigh with one strong hand and lifted my leg up to his hip.
I wrapped it around his back and held onto him.
He pushed into me and I gasped as he grazed against my spot. Then I closed my eyes and put my head back against the wall.
Rico didn't move. He waited for me to look back at him before pushing deeper into me.
"My love..." he whispered, "I'm so sorry."
My muscles clenched around him and I stretched the foot that was still on the ground, rising up onto my toes.
Rico moved with me and gripped me tighter. Then he pulled my other leg off the ground and wrapped that one around his waist, too. He started bouncing me up against the wall. Fast and hard at first, and then he slowed into a steady rhythm, watching my face the whole time.
I wrapped my arms tighter around his broad shoulders and felt the strength of his back as he lifted me up higher and higher.
"I love you, Rico." Tears fell. I couldn't stop them. He kissed them away. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too, baby girl," he panted and sped up again, bouncing me harder this time. "I love you, too."
We came together.
And then we slept on the coach, naked and wrapped tightly in each other's arms.
My headaches never came back.
And Rico's mood swings eventually subsided.
He didn't hit me for a long time after that.
And he never hit me in front of Christian or Remmey again.