It was quiet when I walked in. The sound of the door opening and shutting was lost somewhere between the music and the loud conversation of the clubhouse. The familiarity of the scene in front of me didn't do much to calm the nerves deep in my gut as I looked around. The place was the same as the day I left, and I could still remember every picture and every hole that covered the walls, but I felt like a stranger. The realization hit me like a truck; this place wasn't my home anymore. My home was in the city, with Angel in my arms and my cat curled up beside me. But as I looked at the guys, engrossed in chugging their drinks and fucking around with the club girls, I also realized that this was still and would always be my family, and no amount of time or distance would change that.
Chuck was the first to notice me. He looked surprised for a second before a smile took over his features. He was slow to get up from his seat behind the bar, making my heart sink a little. He pulled me into a hug and I let out the breath I had been holding. My time away from all of this made me realize a lot of things, and how much I missed my family had definitely been one of them.
"I missed you kid." He sounded a little out of breath as he spoke.
"I missed you too, Chuck. You doin' okay without me?" I pulled back and looked at him. Age and stress of the club life were catching up to him, and it made my heart ache. He gave me a half-smile, but it didn't reach his eyes.
"I managed, darlin'." I wanted to ask him more, to make sure he was actually okay, but before I could 15 men were fighting for their turn to bear hug me. I looked back at Chuck, the small smile on his face was shadowed by what looked like relief. The rest of the night was a blur of hugs and shots that I forced myself to decline and by the end of it, I was more than ready to fall asleep in my old bed. A lonely figure at the bar had me stopping in my tracks.
"Neo."
"Hey, Scar." He didn't sound too happy to see me. He didn't look up from the bottle that sat in front of him.
"You okay?" he just shrugged. The unspoken question lingered between us.
"I haven't heard from him. He usually sends me a text once and a while so at least I know that he's alive, but it's been a week and nothing."
"We'll find him, Neo." I squeezed his arm, not sure what kind of comfort I could offer him, but he brushed me off and stood up.
"Don't pretend that you care. Whatever happened between the two of you fucking ruined him. I knew when I first saw you together that you were no good for him. Now he's on a goddamn suicide mission and no one gives a fuck except me." The anger made every part of me want to tell him the truth, what really happened and why Jax was doing what he was, but I knew I couldn't.
"You have no fucking idea what you're talking about." I shouldered by him, refusing to let my anger get the best of me, but he grabbed my arm, stopping me in my place.
"There's one thing I do know. You and this club were the worst fucking thing that happened to him. And that's saying a lot." He shoved me away before walking out of the clubhouse, slamming the door behind him.
I don't know why but his words cut through me like a goddamn knife. The realization that Jax was out there doing what he was because of me was enough to have me reaching for the bottle that sat on the bar. I brought it to my lips and took a long sip, the familiar burn not doing much to ease the pain in my chest. As much as Jax had hurt me, as much as what he did fucked me up, I knew that if he died for forgiveness I wouldn't be able to live with myself. That realization made all the progress I had made in the past year seem futile. No matter what happened between me and Jax, I would never stop caring about him. I knew I could never be with him, but the thought of never even being able to see him again scared the shit out of me. A part of me knew I would have to let go eventually, that I would have to force myself to actually move on. But I wasn't ready yet. All I knew was that I needed to see him again. I tried to convince myself it was for closure, but the truth was that I didn't know what would happen when I saw him. I was going to find him, and I would do whatever it took.