But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human, yeah
-Christina Perri
Sipping on my glass of water, I eyed the people sitting at the dining table with me. As always, I was seated far away from the other five people at the table. The Alpha, Luna and their three sons. Otherwise known as my family, my parents and brothers. I watched as they continued to converse with one another and eat the dinner that had been cooked by Linda, the housekeeper. Linda was a quiet woman, with fair hair and green eyes; she was mated to our gardener and they always seemed to keep to themselves. In my nineteen years of existence, I hadn't even had a single conversation with Linda or her mate Paul. Barely anyone in the pack spoke to me and I knew that it was because of my family.
I knew my family hated me; they despised the fact that I was different. The day I was born, was my father's worst day of his life; I knew this because he made every effort to remind me. My mother was always distant, and at times it was as if she regretted giving birth to me.
The disappointment and hatred that my family felt for me grew, even more, when I first shifted into my wolf, like any other sixteen-year-old at the time. Not only was that day embarrassing for me, but it was also the day that I had felt excruciating pain. I could still remember the way the Alpha stared at me as he took in my wolf. He hated the very sight of me and that's when he made the order that would change my life forever.
My body heaved with fatigue; the beat of my heart hammered in my ribcage. All I felt was immense pain as my body lay slumped on the hard ground. Just as I tried to lift my head to look at myself, the chance was stripped from me.
"Look at me!" The Alpha commanded, and just at his will, my very eyes stared up at the towering Alpha. His eyes were narrowed into slits as he took in the sight of me.
"You shifted," he stated bitterly, his fist clenched at his sides. I couldn't understand his anger, shouldn't he be happy that I shifted? Shouldn't he be proud that his only daughter had finally connected with her inner wolf?
A crowd of pack members stood a metre away from the Alpha, they whispered instinctively, and my new wolf hearing struggled to hear what they were all saying.
"You don't deserve to have a wolf; you do not deserve to be connected to your natural instincts!" The Alpha spat out as he crouched down to my level, his cold eyes never leaving mine.
I let out a soft whimper of confusion. I didn't understand why he hated me so much, what had I ever done to him?
The Alpha's nostrils flared at the sound of my whimper; I saw the flecks of gold in his eyes; his wolf making an entrance. His wolf should've felt some sort of paternal care towards me, but I never saw it. I never felt the love or care from this Alpha, only hatred and disgust.
"I never want to see you shift again! Do you understand?!" The Alpha bellowed.
I growled out in protest, my wolf hating what the Alpha was saying; it wasn't right. At the sound of my complaint, the Alpha swung his fist down into my muzzle, causing a whine of pain to escape. Tears pooled in my eyes, the sting of his violence was still freshly there, and it hurt me to know that this Alpha who was supposed to be my father, hated me and what I was.
The wind felt strong around us, the Alpha's hair was tossed about, his shirt crimpled at the power of the wind. The grass moved about trying its best to stay upright and not bend to the will of the wind. I shivered as the cold wind nipped at my fur, but it wasn't only the wind that made me cold; the Alpha's scrutinizing gaze did too.
"Valerie Shields, I order you to never shift into your wolf again!"
As soon as those words left his mouth, I felt my bones breaking and reshaping and as I shifted back into my human form all I could think about was that I never even got to see what my wolf looked like...
"Valerie eat your food!" I heard the sharp bark of the Alpha said.
His words brought me out of my thoughts. I nodded my head and picked up my fork, prodding a piece of broccoli with it, before slowly dipping in the gravy. I knew that the Alpha was watching me so quickly I placed the broccoli in my mouth and chewed. The food was tasteless, bland in my mouth. For weeks, I had been the same way, not been able to eat; constantly feeling anxious and sad. Why you may ask? Well, my parents had decided to ally with a neighbouring pack. For this alliance to go through, I had to marry the Alpha of the pack.
Alpha Zander Richards was a lively middle-aged man, who unfortunately had lost his mate years ago. Alpha Richards had no living heirs but what I couldn't understand was why my father was eager for me to marry him. Everyone in the pack knew that I could no longer shift and that was a sign that I would have weak pups and also that I wouldn't be a strong wolf even if I did shift one day. Since the age of sixteen Alpha Richards has paid me attention, he would often visit our pack and spend time with me. It was odd that an Alpha of his status would even associate himself with me but from what I could gather he liked the fact that I was into books and history. He liked having company himself and so did I. He didn't seem to mind the fact that I couldn't shift, it was as if it meant very little to him. It wasn't until six months of turning eighteen that there were rumours of Alpha Richards having a new mate and that he would be marrying her within in the year... that new mate just happened to be me.
I had come to realise that I was no more than a business transaction, worth nothing more and nothing less. I would soon leave this pack and live with Alpha Richards, perhaps that would be a better life; I couldn't help but think.
I paid no attention to the conversation between my eldest brother James and the Alpha; they usually talked about pack business whenever I was around. For them, it was easy to forget that I existed, for the Luna, it was slightly hard as she was always home just like me. My other two brothers were twins; Jared and Ryan, they often paid me no attention and the only time they talked to me was back when I used to do their pack studies homework for them; years had passed and now they were both training to be warriors for the pack.
"The demon Alpha will be attending the event also-"
"WHY?" My eldest brother shouted, I jumped at the sound of his voice; my heart beating slightly faster than usual. I hated any form of anger whether it was verbal or physical, it always made me feel fearful.
"Have you forgotten we need his approval for the alliance?" My father stated rhetorically, rolling his eyes. He was a very serious man who had patience the size of a fingernail, anyone who got on his bad side knew that they would be thrown into the pack dungeons; even for the smallest thing.
Everyone froze, the tension in the air was suffocating. Everyone knew who the demon Alpha was and what he stood for. Already this event and union were going to be very difficult, it was extremely rare that The Demon Alpha agreed to alliances... the last one had occurred more than a hundred years ago.
"He must allow it! We need the alliance!" James claimed loudly, slamming a fist down on the table. I flinched at the noise and hid behind my long raven hair, a hair colour no one else in the family had. "The old bastard's reign needs to end!"
It was clear that this pack hated the Demon Alpha. No one knew what he looked like, he kept to himself and often sent out Deltas to check on how the other packs were getting on and if they were adhering to the Demon Alpha's rules; known as The Code of the Alphas. The fact that he would be coming to a pack for the first time in over a century meant a huge deal to the Lycanthrope species.
"There are far too many damn rogues out there!" Ryan grunted out, gripping his table knife tightly.
"That's why he must grant us the alliance," the Alpha spoke, eyeing his sons.
"Why doesn't the Demon Alpha do anything about them if he's so fucking powerful!" Jared continued.
"Jared you watch your language!" My mother snapped, frowning at him. The conversation continued and I let my thoughts drift off.
Despite the Luna being a small woman, she managed to have authority and respect. I had her small frame; however, I wasn't slim like her. I had more curves then I cared to admit and despite being petite I always managed to feel fat. The Alpha and his sons were all broad and tall, towering over the Luna and me, making me feel inferior to them. My mother was a brunette and my father had dirty blonde hair. My brothers, on the other hand, had a mix of the two hair colours, James had blonde hair that almost looked brown, and the twins, Ryan and Jared had dark brown hair. My mother had blue eyes and my father had brown eyes. They all had beautiful golden skin, but not me I was as pale as milk; due to lack of vitamin D as I was rarely permitted to go outside.
"Valerie leave the table," the Alpha suddenly ordered. I stood up immediately, my eyes staying low to the ground. As I walked towards the exit which just happened to be next to where the Alpha was sitting. I kept my head down as I walked but just before I reached the door, the Alpha's hand wrapped around my wrist and he pulled me towards him; my feet stumbling slightly. As soon as I stood in front of him, he snatched his hand away as if he had been burnt by me.
"Look at me," he growled, instantly my head shot up to look him in the eyes.
"Good you remembered your contacts today; brown is much better than the wretched purple eye colour you were cursed with!" he snapped. I flinched at the sound of his voice and nodded my head in agreement.
"Alpha Richards will be here promptly at 9 am tomorrow. You are to join him for breakfast at 10 am and then use the rest of the day to prepare yourself for the engagement event. Do you understand Valerie?" His tone was extremely condescending, I hated the way he talked to me as if I was a small child who had no brain cells.
I nodded my head, knowing that I hadn't been permitted to speak. The snickers of my brothers could be heard in the room, they found my embarrassment humorous whereas I just found it redundant. For the last nineteen years, the Alpha had treated me less like a daughter and more like a pile of shit under his shoes!
"You better behave yourself tomorrow, I will not have you causing more of an embarrassment especially around all the Alphas that will be present, not to mention the Demon Alpha! You will obey Valerie, say that you understand!"
I looked into the Alpha's hateful eyes and nodded my head.
"I understand Alpha."
"Good, now go to your room and stay there!" He barked out, narrowing his eyes at me.
He didn't have to ask me twice and I practically half ran out of the dining room, as tears stung my eyes; and no, it wasn't from the irritation the contact lenses. As I walked up to my room, that happened to be the furthest away from anyone in the packhouse, I kept my head down; avoiding the stares of anyone I encountered. Once I reached my room, the guard who was always posted outside opened the door. For as long as I could remember, a guard or a pack member would be constantly outside, making sure that I never left the room. Once the door was opened, I was then locked in and it would only be opened by The Alpha in the mornings. The Alpha didn't believe that I should have any social interaction with anyone, only if he allowed it. The guard opened the door and I mumbled a small thank you, as I entered. He soon shut it with a slam that made me flinch. I should've been used to the noise, but I wasn't, it was just a constant reminder of how entrapped I was.
I stared at the small bedroom, with four bare white walls. A small wardrobe was placed in the furthest corner; it contained the few clothes I owned. I had a small single bed that wasn't luxurious or comfortable, but I had gotten used to it over the years. The Alpha allowed me a small smart TV that I used to watch Netflix, Alpha Richards had created me an account. He claimed that he wanted me to like the same films and TV shows that he did, but I just found them slightly hard to follow. On top of having Netflix, I often read a lot; it was all that I was able to do whenever I was let out of my room. The pack Library was a place that I loved, it was the only place on pack grounds that I loved. It was spacious and full of books and even if I wasn't allowed to stay in there for very long, I would always take the books back to my room.
I sighed heavily and made my way to the small en suite that was connected to the bedroom. The bathroom was small, with a tiny sink and toilet and a shower cubicle tucked into the corner. I had a cabinet, where all my toiletries were placed and a few makeup items that the Luna had given me. Staring at the small mirror on the wall, I slowly took my contacts out; revealing my natural purple eyes. An eye colour so rare that often made me wonder why I had it and no one else did. The colour was surprising to look at, however, I thought it suited my raven black hair well. My family begged to differ and deemed that they never wanted to see my natural eye colour again.
I stared at my reflection I wasn't pretty like other she-wolves, I often thought that I was rather plain, and especially with the brown contacts that I always wore. The purple eyes were what made me different but no one else in the pack knew I had that particular eye colour.
I couldn't help but think that I was so alone, all wolves could feel their inner wolves, sense their feelings, feel their urges and wants. I never even got the chance to try to connect with my wolf and now I never even felt her. The day the Alpha ordered me to never shift was the day I lost my wolf, it seemed that if I couldn't shift then she wouldn't make herself present. Even if she did make herself known, she must have thought I was weak and a disgrace.
That night, I stayed awake, as I did all other nights however this time it was different. I wanted to sleep, I wanted to forget and not overthink as I usually did. I hated the power that my mind had, it constantly thought about my life and the way that I lived. At sometimes I even felt that my life was a waste. I wasn't a normal female wolf; I was a puppet whose strings were pulled and manipulated. I was a doll who bent to the will of others and I couldn't do anything about it. I would never be able to find a mate, someone who would accept me for me. I would never get the chance to be free from my family. Alpha Richards adored my father and even if the Demon Alpha agreed to the alliance, I would still have ties to the Shield pack.
The next morning, I woke up early and quickly dressed in a black dress that reached my knees. I had placed my long raven hair in a simple bun, before entering the tiny en suite bathroom and doing my usual morning routine and putting my contacts in. I hardly ever wore makeup but as I would be having breakfast with Alpha Richards, I made the effort. The Luna had provided me with makeup ever since Alpha Richards took an interest in me, it took some time for me to understand how powders and liquids worked but eventually I got there. The Luna didn't even bother to teach me, she was a woman who had her face and hair made every day and I had never seen her without makeup. The only times I ever saw her was when I was allowed to eat with my so-called family.
The Luna wasn't very hands-on, she always kept to herself and her small group of friends. I liked to say that they were the type of women who had never felt uncomfortable in their lifetimes, they had everything handed to them and they were respected by everyone. I had always wondered what that felt like, maybe I would get that chance in Alpha Richards' pack.
Just before the clock chimed ten o'clock, I slipped on a pair of black heels; they were comfortable enough that my feet wouldn't ache, but I knew that if I wore them for too long, my toes would start to cramp eventually.
When my door was finally unlocked, dead on ten, the Alpha stepped in and took one look at me.
"Adequate." He stated gruffly as he took in my appearance. "Follow me now!"
I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes, it was always the same word every single time. It was never beautiful or pretty, or even nice, just adequate.
I hurried to keep up with him as he strode out of my room and down the hallway. We walked until we reached the dining room and he entered with me following close behind. As we entered the room, I noticed the table set for two with multiple breakfast items that were enough to feed the whole pack! My eyes soon darted to where Alpha Richards stood with a small on his face as he stared at me. He hadn't changed much since I had last seen him, two months ago. His face still showed a few wrinkles, with crow's feet appearing at the corners of his eyes. His green eyes were bright, as he smiled at me. Alpha Richards was an attractive man for his age, even if his honey coloured hair was greying in some areas.
"Valerie, you seem to get more and more beautiful each time I see you," He complimented, walking up to me.
My father scoffed in disgust, I could imagine him rolling his eyes but of course, he would never do that in front of another Alpha.
"Zander, I don't mean to rush your breakfast, but Valerie needs to start getting ready by 11 am, please tell her to leave then."
The Alpha left and I was left alone with Alpha Richards, he clasped my hands tightly with his and leaned in to press a small kiss on my cheek. He breathed in deeply and sighed contentedly.
"You still smell like sweet strawberries, my favourite smell!" He smiled, pulling away. "Come you must eat; we have a big day ahead!"
He pulled me to a chair and held it out for me as I sat down and like a gentleman, he pushed the chair in before taking the seat across from me.
"Did you miss me?" Alpha Richards asked me with a cocky smile.
I held back the urge to shake my head. Every time he saw me, he would always ask the same question and I would always just give a simple nod.
"I missed you too, Valerie," he replied back. The way he said my name didn't feel right, it didn't roll off his tongue nicely; it felt like an annoying word that I never wanted to hear again when it came from him.
I glanced at the spread of food in front of me, there were items of cooked breakfast to fresh fruit and pastries. My father always wanted to show off when it came to other Alphas, he craved power and hierarchy.
"Are you excited about our engagement party?" Alpha Richards asked and I watched as he placed a few rashes of bacon on his plate.
"Yes, Alpha Richards," I answered quietly.
"Oh, enough of the formalities, we're to be man and wife soon! It's Zander from now on!" He exclaimed with a chuckle.
"The Alpha would not permit me to do so, may I continue with the formality?"
"Gosh, you're so polite, aren't you? If that would make you happy then, of course, Valerie," he smiled sweetly.
Well, I'll never be happy anyways, I thought to myself.
I nodded my head and watched as he ate. I couldn't help but think if Alpha Richards was an ugly old man with decaying teeth it would make this whole situation far worse. But no, he wasn't ugly at all and he was never mean to me. He was a little overbearing but that was how he was, his overbearingness was his way of being possessive over me.
"You're not eating?" He asked, frowning at me.
"I'm not very hungry Alpha-"
"You need to eat," He growled out, his eyes slightly narrowing at my answer.
Swallowing hard, I nodded my head and slowly dished grabbed a piece of fruit toast. I could feel Alpha Richards' heavy gaze on me as I buttered the bread.
"You've been brought up well Valerie, but I sense there is some defiance within you; will I ever see that side of you?" Alpha Richards asked, there was a slight edge to his voice as if there was an underlying warning behind his words.
I looked up from my plate, my eyes locking onto his green ones. I felt nothing staring into the pool of grassy green orbs.
"No, Alpha," I said loud and clear for him to hear.
"We'll see about that," He smirked, before shoving another piece of bacon in his mouth.
The rest of the breakfast went smoothly, and I only spoke to him when he asked me a question or made a compliment to me. I barely ate anything, just the one slice of fruit toast and half a banana. It was all that I could stomach. Before I had left the dining room, Alpha Richards embraced me and placed a lingering kiss on my forehead.
"I'll see you later my beautiful Valerie," He had said as he released me from his embrace.
I smiled and bowed my head in respect, before turning away and leaving the dining room.
I walked the same route back to my bedroom, the hallways of the packhouse were filled with people, chattering away. I heard fragments of conversations, none stood out to me except for the conversations about the Demon Alpha.
"Ugh I can't believe that senile Alpha will be here, why hasn't he died already," a male pack member scoffed.
"I heard he has no teeth and he can barely walk so his beta has to push him around in a wheelchair!" Another voice sniggered.
"How does he have so much power then, what pack is he Alpha of exactly; the senior citizens pack?"
I cringed at the conversations, what would the Demon Alpha do if he ever knew what those pack members were saying?
I couldn't deny that I was curious to know what he looked like. There was much talk that he was over six hundred years old, were people right to assume that he was a weak elderly man? It was in my nature to try and be respectful, even when others didn't respect; I always would submit no matter what. If I ever did come into conversation or contact with the Alpha, my first act would be never to look him directly in the eyes. All Alphas hated that unless they had given the individual permission, I was sure that the Demon Alpha would see eye contact as a challenge or a threat.
Once I reached my room, the guard opened the door and let me in before shutting it again; the familiar sound of the lock made my anxiety erupt. Would this be the last time that I ever stayed in this bedroom?
If the Demon Alpha agreed to the alliance the wedding was to be held at Alpha Richards Pack this same weekend. Today was Friday and my supposed wedding was to be on Sunday. I had no idea as to why Alpha Shields and Alpha Richards had planned the wedding, it was as if they knew that the Demon Alpha would agree.
I sat down on my hard bed lost in deep thought. The engagement party wasn't until the evening and I had so many hours to kill. For once Netflix didn't seem so interesting and even the thought of a book didn't tempt me.
All I had to do was wait...
So how was this chapter? Sorry if there's too much description or if this chapter was a bit boring! I promise the interesting stuff is coming!
Please vote and comment, let me know what you think!
Graphic on the side is made by @unforgiven_mess