“I DON’T WANT TO go home," I said, mildly whining but groaning all the same. Noah had packed the rest of the cake--minus two slices that he saved for himself--for me in a Tupperware container.
"So don't go," he said simply. There was a quarter of sincerity in his voice. A few minutes ago, I couldn't believe he had been a hairsbreadth away and I hadn't kissed him. I didn't understand why I didn't do it but something about Noah made my palms clammy. With every other person either it had been hooking up directly or never getting past the first date stage.
Things with Noah had been slow but steady. I had never swum in these waters and while they were very tempting, they were just as terrifying. I wanted to stay in the sanctity that I had created for myself.
But at the same time, they had been quite fast. I had only known him a short time.
"But I need to go," I countered.
"Why don't you want to go?" he asked, his smile not slipping off his face. I ignored the way it made me feel, all mushy and butterfly-ish inside.
"Because I'll have to walk so much. I think I have already walked enough for today."
"You don't have a car or you chose to walk here?" he questioned curiously as he cradled his chin in his palms.
"I choose to walk. Everybody should make this choice and honestly, I hate it when people use a vehicle for walkable distances. It's like, nobody is aware of climate change," I cribbed but I stopped myself from launching into a full-blown rant. It was a topic that frustrated to me to no ends but I didn't want to spoil my mood nor his.
"Let me give you a ride home," he offered and I gave him a flat look.
"That defeats the whole purpose of walking here, Noah."
"Aliyah, let me drop you home on a bicycle. That doesn't undermine your efforts of walking here, does it?" he asked softly, making me melt.
Get yourself a man that is willing to ride a bicycle for you for over two miles.
"That works. You do know how to ride a bicycle, don't you? Because I have always seen you walk to the cafe," I said. I realized that Noah's house was a long distance from West Point and yet, he always walked. Never had I ever seen him on a bike or in a car. It was amazing to notice this because his house was quite a walk.
It made a question bubble up within me that I didn't hesitate to spit out.
"Why did you choose to work in West Point? I mean, I saw some really nice cafes and other shops here. Why not work there?"
"Well, for one, I dislike coffee. So much. Second, I wanted to work in a bakery. I love baking and I had been distancing myself from it because... well, I had been and when I saw the flyer on how you wanted to hire someone, I just felt like this was my chance, you know? Before I go off to some university or whatever," he shrugged as he pulled me up from where I was laid on the couch.
There was something indecipherable in his face that I couldn’t figure out.
"Oh, that's nice," I said as I followed him to the doorstep. After we had got our shoes on and washed our hands, Noah slipped his hand into mine and led us to the garage. He got out his bike and two helmets. He strapped his on easily but I struggled with mine.
After two tries, I was ready to scream into a void.
Gods, why was I being an embarrassment?
Noah laughed quietly as he took a step forward in my direction. He eased away the straps from my hands and gently said, "Here, I got you."
His fingers touched my face only lightly but the way he tilted his head and bit his lip in concentration made my stomach roll. This boy, with his beautiful raven hair and big brown Bambi eyes, was going to be the end of me.
"Thanks," I mumbled once he stepped back. He hopped on the bike and I followed his suit. It wasn't the most comfortable thing to ride on and I was questioning why I agreed to it but wrapping my arms around Noah was a definite plus.
I didn't have a fear of falling off but I just had an excuse to wrap my arms around him, you know? Better safe than sorry.
The journey home was silent with my hair being whipped by the wins. It was the nice kind of quiet where I didn't feel awkward. We were both just there and dare I say, it felt freeing.
I asked Noah to drop me at the bakery. He had his shift there and Jay was probably hanging around too--he was mom's favorite. After I stepped down the seat, I handed him the helmet and took the Tupperware out of the basket.
"I was hoping you would forget about that," he teased.
"You wish, Scott."
"Mhmm."
"I had fun today," I admitted, tucking my hair behind my ear. "Thanks."
"Me too," he murmured and leaned towards me. My stomach erupted into a thousand butterflies and my heart was running like it was Olympics. His lips brushed briefly against my cheek and I was immediately breathless.
Before I would end up doing something I would regret--like kissing him in the middle of the street when there was a chance mom could be watching--I ran.
I ran leaving behind a flabbergasted Noah Scott.
-------
"Why is my best friend such a big dumbass? A question I ask myself daily," Jay reiterated. "And oh, why am I friends with a dumbass is another question."
"Jay," I whined. "Can you stop making fun of me now? Why don't we talk about your love life? How are things with Liam?"
"Well," Jay drawled, knowing that the suspense was killing me. He rotated his spoon inside the coffee mug. "Why should we talk about my un-spicy and usually existent love life? We should talk about your spicy and usually non-existent love life."
"First of all, ouch. Second of all, why are you such a meanie?"
"Why are you still my friend if I am such a meanie?" Jay shot back with a grin and I sighed, burying my head in a pillow instead of dealing with his smugness. "Back to the topic at hand, give me more details about your first date."
"It was not a date, for fuck's sake!" I groaned but my heart rate picked up just the same after thinking about how this could have been a date. Did Noah think this was a date? He hadn’t said anything if he did think that.
"Excuse me? The boy bakes for you, you two have kitchen romance which is basically everyone's dream--"
"Ooh, your kink?" I questioned teasingly but Jay waved me off.
"Everyone's kink, thank you very much. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted--" He pointed to my open mouth before I could retort, "Yes, that's what I am talking about. He drops you home and he kisses your cheek. How is that not a first date?"
"Because he didn't say so!" I cried out as I smacked him. It was not as hard as I would have liked because he was sitting quite far from me and I didn't want to move.
"Then why didn't you ask him?" he asked calmly, making me shut up effectively.
"I don't think that's how it works, Jay," I lamented.
"That's exactly how it works. Two people decide when something can be considered a date," Jay fired back, setting aside his coffee mug. He ran his hands through my hair. "You are wearing his shirt, for fuck's sake, Ali. Stop being such a goddamn pussy and ask him."
"I think I blew it," I admitted when a silence had befallen over us. Jay was tired of trying to reason with me so he sat in the corner, huffing as he scrolled through his phone.
I curled up like a ball and placed my head in Jay's lap. He absentmindedly massaged my head and I hugged his waist. "I don't think he'll want to see me now."
"Ali, please, shut the fuck up," Jay sighed. "You have been preparing to ask him out on a date since god knows when. There's an opportunity to call it a date after you have already been on one. I don't know what's going on with you because the Aliyah I know is awkward but she's not this much of a coward."
I licked my lips. "Can we not talk about this right now? Please?" I pleaded. I knew exactly what was going on with me but I didn't want to deal with it right now. I didn't think it would reflect this greatly in my actions but Jay had caught onto it.
"Just know that I am here if you want to talk, okay?' he murmured and he leaned down to kiss my hair.
And my heart sank.
----
I decided it was time to visit dad. It had been quite some time since I paid him a visit at the cemetery.
Since my heart was conflicted, I knew talking to him would help me. While I didn't have a lot of memories of dad, I did know that he loved me and that he was with me. So bravely, I walked to his headstone and sat down, crossing my legs. I placed the bouquet I had bought on the way--a fresh pair of white tulips--and a bag of his favorite donuts.
"Hi dad," I murmured.
I looked up at the sky. The sky was clear blue and it calmed me. Or maybe it was the fact that I could speak and not feel like I was being judged. It was better than recording a voicemail to myself because then, I didn't feel like I was speaking into the void. There was someone beside me and that someone happened to be my dad, even if it was spiritually.
"It has been a while since I visited you, hasn't it?" I began, playing with the grass around the grave. "There's been a lot going on in my life lately and as someone who claims to have no life, it's terrifying. For once, I have so much more to do than binge-reading a book or knitting a sweater or something. I mean, I have been hoping to get a life ever since junior year but now that I have it, I don't know what to do. It feels all too much at once, you know?"
"Obviously, you wouldn't really know because I have heard the tales of what you used to get up to when you were young from both mum and granny. You had a life, a really cool one at that."
I remembered how I would snuggle close to mom and she would tell stories from the moments dad and her spent together. The had been childhood best friends who fell in love and married each other.
"I have the bakery to handle, there's Noah and my growing feelings for him and then.." I trailed off, looking down in my laps to see my hands. The grass blades have been torn to shreds. I still felt the need to bite down on my lip. "There's UCLA."
I let out a long breath after I said it. It felt relieving like I was taking a huge weight off my shoulder.
"I am super excited to go there but it's all outweighed by how daunting it is, you know? Mom and Eve were away for, like, a little over a week, and I felt so homesick. And I was home. I had that safe and familiar environment I grew up in so do I want to give it up? Education is education, right? I could study in a university that's close to home so I wouldn't really be away."
My throat clogged up and I felt tears build up in me. I pulled my knees close to my chest and brusquely swiped at my eyes with the sleeve of my arm. My heart was aching in my chest but it felt awfully good to let it all out without fearing judgment. My go-to person was Jay when I felt sad. But those waves of sadness were based on nothing. I had reasons now and it felt awfully intimate to tell any breathing soul about those reasons.
"I am building a life here and it conflicts me so much now. Before, I was ready to go because I didn't really realize what I would be giving up on. There's s much now. I don't want to be away from mom, Eve, jay or Noah..." The traitorous tears fell down my eyes and I buried my face in my palms.
Gods, I felt like an idiot. I had the best opportunity in the world and yet, here I was, crying like a baby.
"And Noah. It's been only sometime since we have been hanging around each other but you know how some times you look over at someone, and you feel like they are your person? It's that way with him. I don't mingle with people so easily but with him? It's like second nature. It's so easy to open up and fuck, I don't want to get attached, Dad. He's going to go someplace else and I'll go somewhere. How can we make it work?"
I didn't know if I even wanted to make it work. Long distances had a history of not working for most people. So why would we be any different?
But at the same time, I wanted to give Noah a chance. My heart was torn and I didn't know what to do. Was there even the right choice to make? Or was it about making a better choice?
How could I even decide which was better when my mind was so clouded?
A thousand questions swirled in my mind and it led to frustration that itched under my skin. But I let it all out in tears. Until I ran out of tears, I sat there, listening to the wisps of the wind and the hum of the trees. I at there until I felt ready that my knees wouldn't collapse beneath me and l listened to the chirping of birds.
After the dizziness seemed to alleviate, I pushed myself off the ground and said one last goodbye to dad with a promise that I would return soon.
"Hey," a voice startled me and I jumped a meter away. My blurred world came into focus and I saw Noah. He had his hands stuffed in pockets and he was holding one single rose in his hand. "Didn't think I would see you here, of all places," he laughed quietly.
Seeing him, I lost whatever control I had over the dam.
He seemed to notice a millisecond later that I was crying. the next second, he was standing just before me and cradling my face in his palms delicately.
"Hey. What happened?" he breathed and I just cried more.
Pushing him off, all I did was run. And I didn't look back once.
————
my girl aliyah really is a runner lol despite the fact she hates running with a passion.
i am aware that this chapter might be a mess and i'm open to suggestions as to how to make this chapter better. and i am sorry if there wasn't much build up to these scenes ;(
but drop your thoughts and lmk what you think about this chapter and the story as whole.
love x