I started to have doubts when I was twelve years old.
I was strapped into the back seat of my mom's car,
my palms clenched and clammy as we drove to the clinic.
"Mom," I said, breaking our silence.
"Yes?" She responded.
"Is it going to hurt? Like, a lot?"
I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat.
Never before had I been more nervous than I was in that moment.
I've heard stories of what it was like from the 8th graders at my school.
No matter how many times I've heard the stories, I was still nervous to experience it first-hand. .
"Of course not."
"You don't sound so sure. Are you just saying that to make me feel better?"
"Of course not." She repeated.
"Mom."
"Well, to tell you the truth it does hurt a bit."
And with that, my heart started beating even faster.
It felt like my blood ran cold and I was going to be sick.
She looked at me in her rear-view mirror and
I think she could tell I was getting even more worried because she quickly added
"But it'll be just fine, Jonah. Don't worry! It doesn't hurt for long. It'll be over before you know it, we can get some ice cream on the way home."
I started to feel annoyed;
Confused and annoyed.
"I don't want ice cream. I want to know why I have to do this."
"Every kid your age has to get their chip. I had to get it done when I turned twelve, your father had to get it done when he turned twelve and your grandparents had to get it done when they turned twelve. Everyone has been in your exact position right now."
That didn't comfort me at all.
It wasn't like I didn't know that everyone had to get it done eventually.
My problem was that I didn't understand why.
"Yeah, but why?" I asked.
She sat up and anxiously looked around for a moment before relaxing again in her seat.
"Because you just have to, Jonah." She lowered her voice to almost a whisper.
I let out a sigh.
Not asking questions when you're scared as hell makes the situation even more scary as hell.
Soon after, we pulled into the clinic parking lot, Mom parked the car and we headed inside.
As we walked through the front door she reached down and held my hand.
She gave my hand a tight squeeze before looking down at our hands and saying "I'll miss this."
I would too. I definitely would too.
We walked up to the front desk where Mom signed some forms and told the lady at the desk that we were here for the chip-insertion.
The lady looked down at me and smiled. "Congratulations."
Congratulations? Like it's something to celebrate? As if.
I politely thanked her but honestly, on the inside, I was pissed.
"Right this way, please." She said, picking up the clipboard with all of the forms.
My mom and I followed her down the hall, which seemed to stretch on forever.
We passed by several rooms, all with the doors closed. All completely silent.
The only sound that could be heard was our footsteps.
We walked up to Room 117.
The lady opened the door for us and we stepped inside.
*To Be Continued*