~Slight trigger warning. Extremely vague reference to Sexual Assault.~
"Please leave."
"No, I won't." He sounded annoyed. What the hell had he got to be annoyed about?
Scooping up the rest of the escaped bandage, he walked over to you, the sound of his boots on the cold concrete floor sounding like drums, filling the thick void of silence. As he moved in to finish off what Kelly had started, you watched him accusingly, then violently grabbed him by the wrist, shaking from the effort but also your anger. You pulled him closer to you, whispering, "Stay the fuck away from me." then proceeded to forcefully throw his arm across the room, causing him to stumble backwards. He looked at you in utter disbelief, conflicting emotions overwhelming him all at once; sadness, anger, frustration. Confusion. He began pacing the room in his annoyance, his face a brewing storm, and then he suddenly slammed his hand forcefully on to the table next to you, making you jump up and flinch.
"And why the fuck should I do that? Huh?" That hurt look again. You felt guilty, but your anger overpowered any other emotion you were feeling in that moment, manipulating every action, every word.
"Because you're a piece of shit that's why! I don't want anything more to do with you so please just LEAVE."
"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about! Jesus, I saved you, then you saved me, fine, we're even. Then I have to carry your sorry ass for god knows how long, and stay up all night to keep watch, so technically you owe me."
You scoffed, unable to believe what you were hearing.
"I don't owe you shit. I will never owe you anything!"
"Jesus," He began pacing yet again, trying to work off some of his frustration. "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?"
The volume and severity of his voice caught you off guard, and suddenly you felt very vulnerable. Your voice caught in your throat and you were unable to articulate a proper response, instead just mumbling incoherently whilst you were frozen in shock. He moved in just inches from your face, the heat from his face and breath suffocating you. You were glued to the spot, unable to avert your eyes from his, locked in a sea of torment. Everything around you stopped, as if you were stuck in this moment. Fear had made time stand still- you were sure he was going to hurt you. You worried how, when he whispered, so softly but so full of pain, that you then realised his intent never was to hurt you- it was you who ended up hurting him.
"What did I do?"
Overwhelmed with emotion, you immediately burst into tears, clutching your wet face with your hands, sobs escaping your lips. He took your hands in his, pulling them slowly away from your face, as he knelt down in front of you. You could feel his hazel eyes searching for the answer in your face, yet you looked at your thighs, unable to meet his gaze. Instead, stumbling through your words, you responded, "You walked with them. I can't trust you."
"I walked with, 'them'? Who's- Oh you mean the masked freaks? Yeah, only for about a week, quite recently. I made them believe I was on their side, but now they want my head. You see, I kinda killed their leader."
Your head shot up, your face a picture of surprise and disbelief.
"You killed her? She's dead?" You couldn't believe it.
"Yeah I did." He spoke softly, a thumb rubbing gentle circles on the top of your hand. "Wait, 'she'? How did you know that kid?"
You inhaled deeply, and let out a shaky breath. What better time was there for the truth to come out?
"I'd run into them before." You used your sleeve to wipe away the tears that streaked your face. The epitome of beauty, you were sure.
"It was about a year ago, if time scales even matter any more. I was around this area, and a small group of them found where I had set up. Men."
You swallowed nervously, still looking down at anything but his face. You knew you shouldn't be, it wasn't your fault, but you were deeply, humiliated. Ashamed. The memories still haunted you. Drawing up your courage, you carried on.
"They uh...hurt me. Then left when their 'Alpha' found them and told them to re group. She just stood there, watching. Then she walked away. I left after that and didn't plan on coming back, but that horde made me take a detour and... well, here I am."
You were finally brave enough to look down and meet Negan's face. He looked deeply pained and sympathetic for you, but you could detect the anger that betrayed itself through the furrow in his brow, and the hurt in his eyes. You continued, "So when you said you had walked with them I just assumed...I'm so sorry." You broke down again, this time being met with a warm embrace, strong arms anchoring you down, making you feel solid, whole.
"It's ok kid. It's ok." You heard his voice break though he tried to hide it. Why was this affecting him so much, he hardly knew you? After a few minutes, you pulled away sniffling. You hated depending on people, and now you were dependent on him to make you feel better. Youbwere grateful, but you couldn't let yourself become vulnerable like that again. He pointed to your bandage and asked mock anxiously, "So can I fix that mess now?"
"That's ok, I can handle it."
He sat there in silence as you wound the remaining bandage carefully around yourself, trying to hide the fact that you were studying his face. The way he was looking at you was so full of compassion, and you wondered why you ever thought those things about him in the first place. You shook your head, snapping yourself out of the daze you were in. Get a fucking grip. Those painkillers were really getting to you.
When you were done, he stayed sitting beside you, and you felt the urge to ask him a question that had been burning your mind for a couple of days, but you stopped yourself.
"What? Go on, you might as well ask, seeing as this is the time of sharing."
How perceptive of him. You replied,
"Ok, fine. Why do people act so strangely around you?"
He stopped, sucking in air through his teeth.
"Well isn't that the damned question."
You waited for him to go on, when he looked up and began.
"I said I was on the other side of this group's shit. That's correct, but I was the one causing the shit for them. I was in charge of a group, and we were some assholes. We had complete control over everyone- we took their food, raided their homes, and when they decided to fight back against the bullshit, we fought dirty. A lot of people died, on both sides, but eventually Rick got me alone, and he got me good." He paused, remembering the moment. "That was 7 years ago, and it was only until a couple of weeks ago that I was in a cell."
You gasped. 7 years? That was a long fucking time. How in the hell did he cope?
"Wha- 7 whole years? That seems so unreasonable seeing as both of you were fighting."
You saw him look guiltily at the floor. Oh. There was more.
"Nah they had all the right and a damned good reason to."
He thought for a moment, then said, "Look, that's all in the past, I'm a changed guy and I completely regret all my dumb ass choices. That's basically all you need to know."
"Noo, come on what did you do?" You were scared to know the answer but morbid curiosity got the better of you.
"No kid, I don't think you wanna hear that. Besides, why would I tell you now when I'm in your good books at the moment?"
"Come on would you just tell me? I've seen and done some bad shit that I'm not proud of either. At all. If you've got this far, it would be a lie if no one had. I doubt this will scare me off."
"I bashed in two guys heads with a baseball bat and made the others watch."
The matter of fact way that he put it made you widen your eyes. Oh. Ok, so that was pretty awful. Horrible in fact. No wonder people didn't like him. But that was 7 years ago. People made bad choices. And yes it sounds like you're defending him, but honestly you couldn't let things affect you anymore. If you did, you would break, and broken means dead. You weren't there and didn't know him then- you knew him now, so why should that affect you? You were a good judge of character, and you were certain that he was a changed man.
"Ok."
He was very obviously taken aback.
"Did you not hear me?"
"I did, but I don't judge people on their worst mistakes." You meant that.
"Gee thanks. Not a bad motto by the way." He looked sheepishly at the floor, then stood up, ready to leave.
"I'll let you rest now, but maybe we could crank up another one of these chats? Maybe make it a bit more light hearted next time."
You smirked at him, replying as sarcastically as you could with, "Mm, maybe."
Grinning, he turned and left the room.