Pierce smiled at my answer. A very real and very wide smile. The overall picture was dazzling. It made his eyes brighter, the blue of his irises even more unbelievably vivid. It was oddly hypnotic to watch.
I berated myself silently as I followed behind him out the office door. I had had every intention of declining his lunch offer but I hadn't. I wanted to kick myself, and I definitely wanted to kick the percentage of me that was verging on feeling giddy at the unexpected invitation.
Pierce was out of my league. He was a professional player and I at the least, a lowly bat boy, ball boy, or towel boy to whatever sport he excelled at.
I should have cut my losses and run. Instead I was traipsing behind him to join him for lunch where I would have to talk and socialize and share. On a good day, that was tough for me, with Pierce would it even be possible?
Why had I agreed?
We stepped into the elevator and Pierce smiled down at me. His eyes smiled, too. The glacier blue had thawed. The warmth aimed towards me drew me in.
Pierce intrigued me. His outrageous persona fascinated me as much as it made me uneasy. I had seen his gentle side and his protective side as well as the hateful one. Every new side he revealed fascinated me on some level.
And then there were his looks. He attracted me. I could no longer pretend that he didn't. It was a daunting fact to accept. Like most things pertaining to Pierce, I didn't know what to do with it either.
As much as I had been repelled by Pierce, I was equally pulled towards him. He was like this huge sun I was now orbiting and when I got too close, I could feel myself being drawn in. It didn't seem to be about choice, it was just happening.
It was an entirely new thing for me both physically and mentally. I was only now accepting the physical tug. I wasn't brave enough yet to face the possible emotional impact that he could have on me. Pierce was incredibly overwhelming in so many ways.
"What are you in the mood to eat?"
His voice startled me.
I blinked up at him, my solemn face pinkening in embarrassment at my spiraling thoughts. I wondered as I looked up at him if I would ever be on an even keel again.
"S... sorry," I said. "Could you repeat the question?"
I braced myself for his irritation. Pierce didn't like repeating himself and I felt he was fairly impatient at being ignored. I had done both. I didn't expect to see his face shift to a sudden soft gentle expression as he looked down at me.
"I won't bite," he murmured.
I flushed an even darker shade of pink. I knew he was teasing but for some reason everything he said took on a double meaning to me. It had sounded almost as if he were flirting. The blush was because I liked the thought a little too much. The deeper blush was because it was terribly embarrassing to accept that.
Since meeting him I had felt so many different things. Some were good and some were bad. Many were unknown. It confused my mind and my body being stuck in the flux that was Pierce.
"I know," I muttered, stepping back a tiny bit.
I needed some distance. Just a smidge. My brain ceased functioning at its normal rate when he got too close while my body revved up like a motorcycle. The conflicting chaos going on inside had me off kilter. That he could see it happening made it that much worse.
"Okay," he murmured with that same soft smile.
The smile should have soothed me. It was similar to how Archer treated me when he felt I was reaching my limits. Only Pierce's smile was different than Archer's. It was gentle but it didn't sooth. I wouldn't go as so far as to say it wreaked havoc but the bubbly feeling racing through my veins wasn't exactly peaceful.
"Lunch?" he prompted. "I was asking you what you were in the mood to eat."
I swallowed. Always starving, always hungry, I was surprised to find my mind a blank when asked about food now. That was a question I had always been able to answer.
"Sandwich or sub," I finally blurted out. I wasn't particularly in the mood for anything specific. Meat on bread in its various forms was my favorite thing to eat so it was not surprising that it was what eventually popped out of my mouth.
Pierce nodded his head. "Sandwich or sub it is!"
We stepped out of the elevator. I noticed several people stared at us. I also noticed that we were immediately accompanied by a man in a suit before we cleared five feet. It was Pierce's bodyguard, Marcus.
My anxiety returned. I had forgotten for a second who Pierce was. The reminder I wasn't having a sandwich with just any one made itself felt.
What had I agreed to?
Pierce stopped walking when he realized I had slowed down and was now a few feet behind him. He raised his eyebrow at me. His brow furrowed as he took in my tight expression and fidgeting fingers down at my sides.
I dropped my gaze in embarrassment. I hated always feeling so awkward and out of place and I especially hated feeling that way in front of Pierce. And yet, I always was inferior in some way in his presence. If I wasn't stuttering, I was having an anxiety attack or passing out. I had made several terrible impressions. It had never bothered me more than it did now.
And I didn't seem to be able to do a thing about it. My nervousness continued. I felt unsure and out of my element as I usually did. I couldn't stop it.
"Are you okay?" he asked, looking concerned.
At least he didn't look impatient. That would have made it worse, as if it weren't bad enough already.
I glanced at Marcus and then back at him, trying to think of what to say that would make sense to a man like him. This feeling, my anxiety, these unanticipated reactions, even I didn't always know what triggered them. That was a hard thing to explain to someone.
When I attempted to put the why's and how's of anxiety into words, it came out lame and silly. Anxiety wasn't either of those things but truly being able to describe it had continued to elude me.
I could use a lot of words to say a lot of things about the disorder, but when it came to that actual moment when I felt the fingers of disquiet fraying at my nerves, I never verbally did it justice. I had yet to find the words that would fully illustrate the ickiness that was anxiety at the moment it overwhelmed me.
I didn't know that even if I did, if someone as strong as Pierce would ever understand.
I started backing up, regretting that I had agreed to have lunch with him. I didn't know what I had been thinking. I should have known we didn't fit in any way. Attraction or no, push or pull, I didn't suit a man of his caliber. It wouldn't take him long to discover that for himself. I would rather avoid that humiliation.
"Jackson," Pierce called.
His voice was firm enough to stop my backward projection. I paused and looked at him a bit startled. He wasn't angry. His tone was strong but not harsh. His face was patient with a slight gleam in his eye. It wasn't with laughter at me, though and I was thankful for that.
"Okay!" Pierce suddenly said and I jumped at the enthusiastic loudness of his voice.
Several people around us looked on in shocked surprise as well. I noticed then it wasn't just the people around us but most people in the large lobby of the office building. It hit me why.
Pierce was the CEO of a billion-dollar firm and he was down here in the lobby with me most likely behaving very un-Pierce-like. People were bound to stare.
"Change in plans!" Pierce decided, walking towards me, grabbing my wrist as he passed along the way and heading us back towards the elevator doors.
That was when I noticed something else. The lift we had used was a private one. With a special keycard Pierce inserted, the doors opened immediately and Pierce pulled me in along behind him, the doors shutting almost immediately.
"You okay?" Pierce asked, looking down at me.
I nodded, my ever-red face burning in embarrassment and shame. It was humiliating being so weak.
I stood there as Pierce took out his phone and instructed someone to order our lunch to be delivered. Instead of asking me what I wanted, I heard him request a tray with an assortment of sandwiches and a side bar of condiments to dress them as we may.
The excessive order amazed me. It also warmed me deep inside where I felt cold. He was going out of his way to accommodate me without showing any sign of frustration or irritation at my strange behavior.
Instead of questioning me or trying to make suggestions on how I should fix myself, as many annoyingly well-intentioned people did, he was simply working around me and my issues to achieve the positive results he wanted. And he did it all without fanfare. There were no over-exaggerated gestures to show off his kindness.
His actions touched me.
By the time the call ended, the doors had opened and he pulled me along with him out of the elevator and down a long grey hall with a few large warm watercolors decorating the cool expanse of the walls. It was an effective contrast. Stark without being uninviting.
I said nothing as I allowed myself to be pulled along. I wondered if he realized he still had a firm grip on me and wondered further what he would do if I tried to pull away.
I didn't though. For some reason I didn't want to. I liked his warm hand on me, guiding me. My cheeks warmed at my thoughts.
He opened the door and pulled me into a large spacious office that I knew must be his. One half of two walls were windows. Pierce obviously had a corner office. The half wall of windows met to another set of windows while the rest of the wall was custom book shelves holding large binders and thick manuals. The other half wall that was not window was where a desk sat with all the equipment needed to run a large business. Three monitors were angled across a large simple desk. Behind the desk lay more custom shelves with various books and files.
On first glance the office appeared cluttered and full. It didn't take long to realize it was simply the amounts of work strewn across the desk and available surfaces around the desk that gave it a congested look. If it were straightened up it would be quite elegant.
I looked at Pierce surprised by the way he worked. He looked like the type that was a clean freak. That he could function in such a state made him seem more human to me, more relatable.
The realization calmed the frantic beating of my heart and lulled the anxiety that had been trying to grow since encountering the bodyguard downstairs.
"As you've probably guessed," Pierce broke into my thoughts. "This is my office. We'll eat up here instead of going out."
Still holding my wrist, he pulled me over to a set of leather couches. It was a small setting room within the expanse of his office. It looked like something you would see on television.
"Have a seat," he ordered.
He released my wrists and rested his hands on each of my shoulders to lightly push me down to sit on the seat he stopped me in front of.
Making no move to resist, I simply lowered myself onto the smooth buttery softness of the sofa and sat. I clasped my hands in my lap, trying to relax. He had tried so hard to alleviate any awkwardness for me I wanted to at least show my appreciation by accommodating this simple request.
"Here!" I felt Pierce put a cold object in my hands and realized he had gotten me a bottle of carbonated water from somewhere.
I glanced around finally spying a mini bar setup with a small refrigerator.
I sipped at the chilled beverage, thankful for the tingling bubbles as they burst in my mouth and down my throat. It both distracted and revived me. It also gave me something to do without having to meet Pierce's eyes.
I knew he deserved an explanation, but explaining my weakness to someone I didn't know very well wasn't easy. Especially when the desire to know that person was growing by leaps and bounds.
Knowing in theory that no one is perfect and pointing out my flaws to the person that could potentially mean something more to me than any other person ever has, was two incredibly different things.
In truth, the only thing of perfection I had to share about me was how... perfectly flawed I was.