Jay^^
Carson's POV
"It's nice to see you again, Carson. How have you been?" Liz asked as I walked into her office. It was our second meeting of the fourth week of me going to therapy, and I could honestly say that she was helping me more than I expected. Before, therapy was just a whole lot of nothing, but she made me realize that maybe I wasn't worthless.
Maybe I did deserve to be happy.
"I'm fine, how are you?" We both took our respective seats as she pulled out her notepad and pen.
"I'm good, thanks for asking. Is there anything you'd like to talk about specifically today, or can I ask you some questions about somethings you've brought up briefly in the last couple of sessions?" This is usually how we started each of our sessions; Liz usually made note of things she wanted to go a bit more in-depth with in case we weren't able to talk more about it, but she let me decide if we'd focus on that stuff or talk about something I felt the need to. It was a nice balance.
"Uh, actually, I kinda wanted to talk about some stuff that's going to be happening with Jay? Well with both of us at some point, but I don't really know when or how or well anything relating to it. I mean, I guess I do, but-I'm sorry; I'm rambling." My palms were beginning to clam up at the sheer thought of talking about this with someone; god, it was mortifying.
"It's totally okay, as we've discussed before, sometimes we need to just word vomit for things to make sense in our own brains; don't feel the need to apologize for something normal to appease others, okay?" She paused momentarily and waited for me to nod, "okay. Now, why don't you talk me through what you're having a problem with. It's all confidential, remember."
"It's like super embarrassing," it really was.
"It's only embarrassing if you think it is, and I promise, you're probably not the first person to have some variety of the problem you're trying to sort through, so don't stress about it."
"Well, a couple of weeks ago, Jay became the alpha of the pack, and usually, if they found their mate, their mate would become the luna on the same day. In order for the alpha's mate to become the official luna, they have to, well m-mate, and we haven't." I do not care what Liz said, this was extremely embarrassing, but I needed to sort through this because it was bound to happen at some point.
"So you want to mate but he doesn't? Or he wants to but you don't?" Her eyebrows were furrowed as she looked up at me with a reassuring smile.
"I mean, we b-both want to," my face was most definitely as red as a tomato at this point, "I just don't want him to be disappointed, I guess. Because as much as he says that he doesn't care what I look like, as long as I am healthy and happy, I still can't help the part of me that doesn't believe him. He could have anyone; I don't want him to feel like he's stuck with me."
"Have you talked to him about this? Told him what you're feeling?" Liz asked while putting her notepad and pen down to look at me more directly. I was already shaking my head before she finished her question.
"He knows I don't like my body; he's always told me that I looked great and when we became mates he really said some things, and he's told me that he doesn't care what I look like, that I'm still that same person to him, but what if he sees me and doesn't actually like how I look? Especially now that I'm starting to gain some weight back; Mike is upping my calorie intake again, and I just don't want him to think I'm fat." I had another appointment with Mike yesterday and he was ecstatic to see how much progress I was making, and as better as I was feeling about myself, the self-doubt still crept in.
"But you're much healthier now, and as you said on Tuesday, you weren't healthy before. And simply because you see yourself as fat, it doesn't mean that you actually are; fat doesn't mean unhealthy either. From what you've told me about Jay and the brief interactions I've seen between the two of you, he seems to only want what is best for you, and if that means you eating more, then that means you eating more. These doubts won't just go away one night, so I want you to say two positive things about yourself every time you think of something negative, okay? If it's a physical thing, point out two physicals things. If it's a mental or personality thing, point out two great things that make you, you."
It sounded good, simple. Something that might get rid of those thoughts, at least temporarily. I nodded with a smile, I could do that.
"Good, now let's come up with a plan for you to talk with Jay about these thoughts and feelings."
-- -- --
"We should have a self-care spa night tonight, what do ya say?" Jay asked me as we walked out of my therapist's office. He was still driving me even though he had taken over as alpha because, "You'll always come first, and if I'm needed we have our link and phones. I also trust Miles to be okay for a couple of hours without me."
"That sounds like fun," it would also be the perfect time for me to talk with Jay like Liz and I discussed. As long as I didn't chicken out beforehand.
Jay opened the car door for me and helped me jump in a buckled me before pressing a quick kiss to my lips and jogging over to get in the driver's seat.
Such an alpha. Issac sighed dreamily making me roll my eyes.
"So I was thinking we stop at Target to pick up some stuff and grab some snacks and then grabbing carry-out from somewhere? That sound like a plan?" Jay asked as he started driving away. I hummed my agreement and let myself be caught up in my thoughts about everything I went over with Liz.
Jay knew me and I knew him; he wouldn't make me feel bad about anything. I knew I could trust him. I just had to grow a pair and let him know why I was putting this off as much as I was.
Before I even realized, we were pulling up to Target and parking. Jay jumped out and came over to open my door for me; I didn't even protest anymore because I know he felt good doing little things like that for me. They made Issac purr with content too. It was nice, having him dot on us like this.
"Okay, so we need to get all the things because I've been extremely busy lately and want to make that up to you, so spa night sounds perfect. I want to get some oils too so I can give you a massage, sound good?" Jay asked while grabbing a cart for the two of us. I nodded with a smile before pulling him over to the Starbucks attached to the store; I got a peach green tea and Jay for a cold brew with sweet cream. Then we were off to shopping.
The two of us probably spent 45 minutes going through the parts of the store we definitely did not come here for; we both got a few pieces of clothing, some stuff for our house, and pretty much anything else that looked appealing. When we came to the skincare section, Jay has the same mentality; grab whatever looked nice and throw it in the basket.
"Oh, I need shampoo; I don't know where mine went and yours makes my curls flat," as much as I hated my curly hair a lot of the time, I was trying to embrace them as best as I could. Jay hummed as I left him to compare nose strips.
After I found the hair care aisle, I started looking through all the different shampoo and conditioner sets, trying to decide which ones to pick.
"That one might smell nice, but it leaves a weird film on your hair and will dry your curls out," a new voice spoke up when I picked on some random shampoo, causing me to jump. Turning to look at who was talking, there was a guy who looked to be a few years older than me.
"Oh, uh, okay; thank you."
"No problem, do you need help picking one out?" He had a friendly smile, so I nodded.
"Cool, I'm Zach, by the way."
"Carson," he gave me a smile before grabbing a few different shampoos and conditioners.
"Based on your hair, I'd get one of these because the shampoo isn't overly stripping but the conditioner will help moisturize." Zach has three different sets in his hands, so I grabbed the one that didn't say coconut oil because the scent makes me nauseous.
"I'll go with this one, then. Thanks again," I gave him a small smile before turning and heading out of the aisle to go and find Jay again.
"Oh, wait! Could I get your number?" My head wiped around as I looked at him with wide eyes.
"Hey, Carson, there you are, oh hey." Jay came up behind me with the cart and grabbed the shampoo and conditioner out of my hands before pulling me close to him.
"Uh, hi. Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude. Never mind the number, you'll probably want to get a leave-in conditioner and a gel. Nice meeting you, Carson." Jay's arm was heavy on my waist as Zach waved goodbye and left the aisle.
"Your hips have grown," Jay said nonchalantly making me shove him away from the cart. We both started laughing as I looked through the styling products on the other side of the aisle.
"I'm not kidding, though," Jay came to stand behind me while wrapping his arms around my waist, "you should see your silhouette. The changes are subtle, like your scent that is softening just a smidge; it reminds me a bit of my mom's because of the whole luna thing the two of you share. And your hips have widened a tad, which means you're beginning to get healthy again." Jay sounded happy, pleased. I couldn't help the pride that bloomed in my chest at his tone.
Mate is proud, I think I've lived my fullest life. Issac sounded breathless and content; he hasn't been content in months.
"Obviously, you still have a long way to go, but overall, it's a start and progress. Most importantly though, you're healthy and glowing and I am just so fucking happy for you and proud." Jay squeezed me tightly before lifting me off the ground and twirling me around.
It felt nice to have someone proud of me. It was reassuring to know that he was okay with me no matter what.
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