3
It feels like I'm drowning. A painful tug that pulls at my ankles, wrapping itself around me, pulling me down as the darkness is forced to take over. It's hard to breathe, I can't see anything and nobody is here to help me. And then, air.
My eyes fly open as a searing pain runs up my stomach, forcing me to let out a scream so guttural I'm surprised it's come from me. I can feel the breeze, a cool and swift chill that only irritates my nerves; it seems anything that touches me only makes me more aware of the pain. And then there's shapes beside me, figures, shouting. All I want to know is how to make the pain stop- why won't it stop- and so I look down to my stomach, where a shard of glass has pierced right through me.
'Sada, Sada can you hear me?' It's Rakeem. I look up to face him, to tell him that I need help but no words come out. 'WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?'
Poor Rakeem, I think. He sounds so scared.
'There's s-so much blood.' Another voice says, this one sounds more distant but I recognise it too. It's Sarafina and she's crying, sobbing through her words. I've never heard Sarafina cry before, which scares me to the bone because she's always been so composed. I try to move my fingers, to wave at her and let her know I can hear and see her but it's like nothing works anymore. I really can't move.
I let out another yelp as a rush of pain flows through me, causing Rakeem to grab a hold of my hand and caress it lightly.
'Rakeem?' I ask, shivering. He looks down at me, an unreadable expression etched onto his face. 'Rakeem, I'm so cold.'
He raises his hand to lightly stroke my cheek. 'Just hold on okay,' his voice breaks, 'Help is coming.'
'I'm scared.'
He bows his head down, and when he looks back up I can see the tears in his eyes. He doesn't have to say the words for me to know he's scared too.
'I'm tired. I'm so tired.' I whisper. My fear and my pain start to seem smaller as the darkness begins to engulf me again. Despite their pleas for me to stay awake, my eyes droop and my heart seems to stop beating so hard against my chest.
I can finally relax as a cloud of black takes over.
#
It's my mum's voice that wakes me. At first it sounds distant and echo-like as if I was listening from underwater; then it becomes clearer, the familiarity of the Ghanaian accent making me feel warm and reminding me of home.
I open my eyes and blink rapidly as the ugly glare of the bright lights stun me. A monitor is beeping steadily and the stark white of the room that I'm in quickly alerts me to the fact that no, I'm not at home but lying on a hospital bed.
'Oh thank God!' My dad notices I'm awake first, and it's then that I notice that it's not just my parents in the room. Rakeem, Guinevere, Sarafina and Ricardo are here too, sat around in chairs that surround my bed. All of a sudden I feel embarrassed; my parents are going to throw an absolute fit and everybody here is going to witness it. But my mum doesn't yell at me, she crouches down and wraps her arms around me loosely, as if I'm such a fragile packet that could break at any moment. She drops her face onto my shoulder and sobs, making me feel absolutely horrible. My dad's left the room to call the doctor in now and so Rakeem and the others silently leave to go wait outside, promising they'll be back in later.
'How long was I out for?' I ask the doctor, a tall pale man with kind eyes and a sweet smile. He sighs before responding.
'It's been just over two weeks. You're a very lucky girl.'
My eyes widen at his words. How can I have been unconscious for two weeks? I remember talking to Rakeem and hearing Sarafina crying but whatever happened before that seems to be gone from my memory.
'I'm Doctor Richards,' he continues, stepping closer. 'I've been your primary care physician. You suffered quite a fall Sada, and you sustained a severe injury to your abdomen when you fell through the windshield of a car. We had to operate but I'm pleased to tell that your surgery went very well.'
I nod, trying to distract myself from the sad expressions on my parents' faces. How much has this cost them? The doctor turns to my parents and attempts a reassuring smile. He asks them if he can speak to me privately but they're hesitant, especially my father.
'This is my daughter,' he says, his accent thick, 'I want to know what's going on with her.'
My chest pangs at the hurt in my dad's voice. It breaks my heart to know how much this must have damaged them and how scared they must have been. Dad's eyes have gone such a malevolent red and mum looks as if she hasn't slept in days.
My mum tugs on his arm after a while of Dad's complaining. 'Let the doctor help her.' She says. Dad looks back down at me, tears building up in his eyes.
For a bit after they leave it's quiet as the doctor looks at me. Then he holds his hand out to me, nodding at me to shake it when I give him a confused glance. His hand is soft and warm; I'm tempted to ask what cream he uses, just to lighten the mood, but I'm not really in the mood for a joke myself.
'My name's Mickey by the way.' The doctor says. He grabs one of the vacated chairs and scoots closer to me, seeming surprisingly relaxed. His curly red hair seems reminiscent of somebody that I know but I can't put my finger on it. It's somewhat comforting, however, because now I don't feel so shy.
'Mickey?' I smile, raising an eyebrow. 'Like Mickey Mouse? I've never met anybody with that name before.'
'Well it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance Sada. Your parents are awfully worried about you.'
'I know.' I sigh. 'I feel horrible about that. I can't believe that I've ended up in the hospital.'
Mickey nods. He stands up to grab something- a notepad and a pen- something I hadn't noticed before, and then he sits back down again.
'Your recovery process will be hard but you seem to have a good support system. It'll be some time before you can be released from the hospital however, and we'll need to do an evaluation as well other tests to track your physical process. We have amazing psychiatrists here and I promise you will get the help that you need.'
I nod at his words, and then I remember that I have no idea why I'm in the hospital in the first place.
'Why would I need to see a psychiatrist, Dr Richards?'
The doctor gives me a patient smile and crosses one leg over the other. And then it hits me: the fall. He thinks I must have tried to kill myself, maybe they all thought so. But that doesn't seem to make sense to me. I understand that the fall could have somewhat affected my memory but there's something nagging at my mind, forcing me to believe that I didn't try to end my life; someone else did.
Katarina.
Bile raises in my throat at the thought of her, of everything that took place before I fell out of Rakeem's bedroom window. My heart thuds faster as my memory comes rushing back to me, the white trainers, what happened in the toilets, the crazy look she got in her eye when she couldn't manage to kill me with her gun. This can't be true, I think, it doesn't make any sense. Katarina, with her kind grey eyes and her words of wisdom, the same girl who held me when I cried over my break up, the same girl that would wake up super early just to come pick up something with me for my mum when I didn't want to go alone. But it's very true. I know it is because I saw her, I remember her being there and the shock of seeing her face in that mirror as well as the strange calmness that overtook me when she pulled me through the window with no remorse.
My friend had really tried to kill me.
'Katarina.' My voice sounds hoarse, a distinct difference to how it was before.
'Pardon?'
'Katarina,' I'm louder this time, 'Katarina Anders where is she?'
The monitor starts to beat faster as I realise that if she's here, she could try it again. I reach for the wires entrapping my skin, anxious to rip them off and run but Mickey stops me.
'She was there as well!' I shout, panic ensuing me. 'She's the reason I-I fell! Katarina Anders, where is she?!'
Tears stream out of my face as I try to force the doctor to understand me. I get that he already thinks I'm unstable which, to some extent is true, but I can't help but shout. I try to calm myself down but it only causes more tears to fall down my face. All I want to do is sob. Cry. How could someone that I cared so deeply for betray me like this? How could someone whom I loved and considered one of my closest friends, want to kill me?
'Okay Sada,' Dr Richards says, keeping a close on the monitor, 'I'm going to need you to breathe.'
I listen to what the doctor says because I hate what's happening to me, so much. I suck in a deep breath through my sobs and exhale after a couple of seconds before wiping the tears of my face with my left hand, unfortunately aware of the slight pain the action causes.
'That's it Sada, another one for me, take a deep breath.'
The beeping on the monitor slows down again to a normal pace as I feel my heartbeat synchronising to the sound.
'Katarina was my friend.' I say after I've calmed down. The doctor hands me a cup of water and I gulp the whole thing down in seconds. 'She was suppose to leave for London that day of the party. I thought she'd left, I thought she'd gone. But then when I was in Rakeem's room-'
I close my eyes. 'When I was in Rakeem's room she was there too, and she was holding a gun. I'd ducked and the glass mirror broke. She tried to do it again but the gun wasn't working and then she tried to make a run for the window but I grabbed her. She pulled me and I fell. I remember it all now, I didn't try to kill myself, you have to believe me and you have to find Katarina!'
I retell the story to the police officer who comes in afterwards, a Detective Tames, and explain to my parents what had happened the night of the party. I haven't allowed Rakeem and the others back in yet because I don't know what to tell them. The very thought of telling Sarafina and Guinevere the truth about their friend to see them reject it hurts my heart. It could be a possibility; a huge possibility that they think I'm mistaken or that I'm lying. I mean, I don't think I could believe it either.
Neither of my parents have ever met Katarina but the pain and hurt that overwhelms their eyes when they find out what happened to me makes me think that they could hunt her down without a picture. We've been told that Katarina Anders is not a patient at this hospital and that nobody else was hurt that night which doesn't make any sense to me. I saw her fall out of the window, we fell together. How is it possible that she disappeared without a trace whilst I was unconscious for two weeks and needed surgery?
'Why would someone do this to my daughter?' My mum murmurs under her breath, 'Why?'
'Mrs Quansah,' Detective Tames says, 'I can assure you we will do our best to figure that out.'
I pick at my blanket, my eyes welling up with tears again. 'What if she comes here? To, you know, try again?'
'We've got round the clock security here, you'll be safe Sada I promise.'
Nodding, I lay back down on the bed, wondering if my friends are still outside. It's hard to believe that all of this is actually happening, even harder to believe that the police are going to follow up on this. They could have easily dismissed the whole thing, probably thinking that I was lying because my 'attempt' had failed and I didn't want to be embarrassed. I can see the way some of the nurses eye me with pity, not to mention the assistant detective or whatever, as if they're thinking exactly that.
'Are you going to search Rakeem's house ?' I ask. The thought of the bullet that Katarina had left alerts me to the fact that I've got evidence.
'Yes, we're sending officers to talk to the family now.'
'Yeah but are you going to search his house? You'll find the bullet!'
The detective smiles, digging a hand into his pocket. His calm yet domineering deamanor makes it seem as if he's got control of the entire room.
'We would need a warrant for that. The Bricks family have been staying at their home for the past two weeks and nothing seems unusual apart from the shattered mirror.'
'You haven't even spoken to the family, you've just said some officers are going o-' I cut myself off, remembering whose waiting outside my room. 'You've spoken to Rakeem?'
'Yes I have. He hasn't said anything in his home is different apart from the mirror.'
Which means that no bullet was found. Impossible. How did the mirror break then if there was no bullet? Unless, she'd picked it up before running away which I must have missed seeing her do. She would have had to think of everything beforehand of course, she'd planned to kill me so she must have had a plan to get rid of my body too. But maybe she'd wanted it to look like an accident, which is why she'd ended up pulling me out of the window. That doesn't make any sense though because if that was true, then what was the point of bringing the gun in the first place? Why didn't she just push me?
I swallow. 'Do you mind if my friends come in? I feel bad that they've been waiting outside for ages.'
'Of course.' Tames nods. 'Would you like some privacy?'
'If you don't mind.' I say and the detective and his assistant leave, gracing me with one final smile.
'You guys should go home,' I tell my parents once we're alone, 'I'll be fine.'
'No, I don't think that's a good idea.' Dad says. I can tell that he's tired and misses his bed, they've probably been sleeping here every night. I turn to mum, hoping that she'll listen but she doesn't budge.
'Mum, dad, please.'
Mum sighs, gently slapping dad on the shoulder. He glares at her but it's enough to make him get up, albeit unwillingly. They give me one last hug before leaving me on my own.
Guinevere is the first one to enter, rushing over to me with tears and red eyes. 'Sada!' She says. 'How are you feeling, are you okay?' She looks so different, so unlike the Guinevere I know who was always mindful of her appearance. They all look done out here, and I mean that in the nicest way possible, but Guinevere's wrinkled flannel and baggy leggings really show how tired she must be.
I smile at her, at all of them as they walk into my room, grateful that they'd come to visit me. Even Rakeem. It cheers me up to see Sarafina and Guinevere until I remember what I've got to tell them. Then I wipe my smile off my face.
'I'm okay guys, thank you for coming here.' I say, my tone less than convincing. I look at Rakeem who's fidgeting, looking somewhat like he doesn't know what to do with his hands and so he puts them in his pockets.
'I'm glad you're okay Sada.' Ricardo tells me. His eyes crinkle as he tries to give me a smile but it comes out as more of an awkward grimace. He doesn't know what to say, he thinks I've tried to kill myself so he's probably trying to be extra cautious with his words in case he sets me off.
'Thanks.' I mutter. I look away and fidget with my blanket again.
'You know we'd do anything for you, right?' Sarafina asks, sitting on the edge of my bed. She rolls her eyes and then points to herself and Guinevere to clarify, making me laugh.
Out with it Sada, just say it.
I swallow and then take a deep breath. What if they don't believe me? I could hardly believe Guinevere when she told me Katarina tried to go after Dev whilst they were together. Maybe I didn't have to tell them just yet, especially with Ricardo and Rakeem in the room.
'You alright?' I ask Rakeem. He hasn't said anything yet and I'd rather the focus not be on me right now. Quite frankly, I can't be bothered to think about what happened in the past between us to feel any sort of way towards him being here; I'm just glad that he is.
'I'm sorry,' he says, his voice breaking, 'I'm so sorry Sada.'
The light reflects kindly off his brown skin, making his unusually dull complexion glow. They all go quiet and I guess that it's time to address the elephant in the room.
'Rakeem, it's-' I stutter. 'It's okay, I'm fine. You haven't got anything to be sorry for.'
'No I do.' He says, taking a step closer to me. 'I've got so much to be sorry for.'
I don't know what to say. It feels as if we're going to finally have the conversation but it's everything I don't need. I can't focus on him, not right now, not when Katarina is still on the loose and my blood pressure rises every time I think I catch a glimpse of blonde hair.
'Well how's school been guys?' I change the subject and shuffle to a more appropriate position in my bed. 'Are people talking about me?'
Guinevere and Sarafina look at each other which tells me all that I need to know. Sighing, I pinch the bridge of my nose, thoughts of having to go back to school already irritating me.
'What are they saying?' I ask, even though I do, I know that I don't really want the answer.
'They're just wondering why, that's all. They've made up some theories and stuff but it's nothing to worry about, I promise.'
I lick the dry skin on my lips, aware for the first time that I probably look like crap myself. Sarafina notices my discomfort and hands me some lip balm and I give her a smile for the kind gesture. I can feel my heart rate rising as I ponder over whether or not I should ask about Katarina; despite the fact that the police have told me they're going to investigate, my gut instinct is telling me that something is going to go wrong.
My gut instinct is telling me that I shouldn't trust anybody.
'How about Katarina? Where is she?'
'She was still on the plane when it happened. She was so upset Sada, she was practically sobbing on the phone. She thinks she should come back.'
My eyes widen. Come back?
'Wait, so, she hasn't been back here? At all?'
There's a tinge of guilt in Guinevere's eyes, a subtle flash that disappears as quickly as it came. 'She feels horrible Sada but it's been difficult for her. She wants you to know she's sorry and will try to make it back out here as soon as she can.'
It takes everything in me to not roll my eyes. I know Katarina so well that there's no doubts that I'm not mistaken. She wasn't on a plane to London when I flew through that window, she was right there with me. But then how come she isn't right here now?
'When was the last time you spoke to her?' I ask, trying to keep my voice as nonchalant as possible.
'Yesterday,' Sarafina shrugs, 'Do you want to speak to her ?'
She pulls out her phone, completely unaware of the way I probably look like I'm about to faint. There's nothing more I want to do than just that and ask her why she would want to do this but I just can't. I can't face her.
I shake my head. 'The time difference is mad. She's probably sleeping over there.'
Ricardo looks like he's about to fall asleep. I think it's so kind of him to have stayed here even if it's just for Sarafina and Rakeem's sake, after all, we were never really that close. Sarafina nudges him gently and he jumps.
'Oh um, before we forget,' Rakeem says, 'Our English class wanted to bring you something.'
It's a gift basket ; overflowing with packets of gummy bears and a variety of cards. There's red petals strewn across the top along with an A3 sheet of paper that I can see has tons of scribbles lining it.
It makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable that so many people must have signed this page, especially considering the reason why they think I'm in the hospital in the first place. Netherless, I'm still full of gratitude, it's kind of overwhelming to think that so many people cared enough to send a message.
'Thank you.' I whisper. Rakeem sets the gift basket on the table next to me before taking a hold of my hand.
'I hope you get better soon Sada.' He says.
I smile at him. 'Me too.'
Once I'm on my own, I reach over to grab the gift basket from the table beside me. I'd forgotten to ask for my phone but since its whereabouts remain unknown to me I can't seem to fathom the idea that anybody else would know where it is. So I decide to spend my time ruffling threw the gift that my English class decided to leave me.
'Elsa, Patricia, David,' I mutter to myself, looking at all of the signed names. Picking up a card, I'm surprised to see it's from Nathalie.
Hey Sada,
I know this might come off as weird or fake, especially as we haven't had the best past but I wanted you to know that I'm really sorry about what happened to you. I hope you wake up, I hope you feel better soon and I hope you can find some peace within yourself.
P.S If you ever need someone to talk to I'm right here, even if I might not be your first choice.
With love, Nathalie.
I can't help but smile. It's honestly sweet that she wrote me a card but she was right. It did come off as weird. She'd never have written me anything if she knew that I didn't try to hurt myself but I'll appreciate her kindness nonetheless.
My parents are supposed to make a re-appearance soon since it's getting darker outside so I put the gift basket aside and try to go to sleep since I'm not really in the mood for any more conversations. It's then that I realise my left wrist feels bare. My bracelet, the one Katarina had gifted me all that time ago has disappeared. It would make sense if the doctors had to remove it, or if it somehow came loose in the accident, but I feel strangely unsafe without it. Especially since I can guess who's really got it.