It comes the night and Louis doesn't hear what he is used to. The silence. He was never sure if the silence was something he could hear because it's supposed to be the otherwise, right? Something we don't hear, that can't bother us because it doesn't exist. Well he is sure that it is something that bothers him and if it makes him deaf then it is in fact something.
But tonight is so different. The blinds from the window are opened. That's something incredibly new by now because he was used to the darkness from this room that it made him forget how amazing the shades and contours from the place look like at night. He listens to his sister outside the room and Peter laughing at something Fiona says while they go to their rooms.
And now the main point. His room isn't empty, he doesn't feel alone and it sure isn't because he has a mattress on the floor that it isn't used in years. Literally, it's even the first time Peter is realising its existence.
"Is that thing even comfortable?" Louis asks getting comfortable in bed. He is wearing his usual sweatpants and let's hope Harry doesn't realise that those and the T-shirt he is wearing aren't his. Well, the sweatpants are old, even though they are the perfect size for Louis now but Harry probably doesn't recall them. The t-shirt is an update, a close up from the present Harry.
"Very." Harry answers and he doesn't sound convincing, he actually sounds in pain.
"That shit must be covered with minuscule insects... And dirt."
"I will survive." Harry says and Louis hopes he isn't being too obvious. It's not like there's something to be obvious about... maybe. But if that Harry isn't understanding so either Louis is safe or disappointed.
"Okay." He simply answers, pulling the covers up, almost reaching his chin, his fingertips and head only showing. He looks by the corner of his eyes at Harry, he has his hands underneath his head, as a pillow (as if the real pillow is useless for him), he is looking up at the ceiling and the covers reach only a little bit above his hips. He looks comfy and Louis just really wants to stare, memorise more and more of his new features. He wants to learn everything so he can have a clear image in his head so it cannot be able to be forgotten and appear blurry in his mind.
Harry tilts his head to one side, naturally resting it on the pillow and his eyes go direct to Louis. His lips twist into a small smile, quite cheeky even, similar with his eyes. Green shinning for blue.
"Hi." He says in a husky tone and Louis mentally takes a deep breath and rolls his eyes. This is making him crazy. He is even feeling his cheeks warming up, probably getting flushed and it's a cold night. The room isn't even well illuminated for him to feel like this. He can't do this he – and Harry – need to chill.
Louis quickly looks away trying to act as normal as almost breaking your neck in the pillow can be. Harry laughs, of fucking course, but it's not really an I'm mocking you laugh is more like a that was cute laugh, which is quite disgusting really.
"Rude." He jokes then and Louis can't look back at him so he keeps looking forward, with his lips pressed and his eyes bored.
"What?" he asks and doesn't understand why his raspy tone of voice, but Harry takes it as a joke so that's fine.
"I said hi and you just dumped me." Harry answers in a childish voice.
"Hi." Louis answers in an annoyed one, which takes him a bit of effort because he feels like laughing. It'd come out as a giggle so really better if he keeps it quiet.
"Wow Tomlinson," Tomlinson, fucking Tomlinson. "such enthusiasm."
"Don't call me Tomlinson." It's as wrong as mate and really Louis doesn't need this. Louis is okay, Lou it hurts too much so that's why there's his name, what most people call him for. Make it normal, Styles. "It makes it sound so formal."
"Derek treats you that way," and there's a slightly difference in his tone.
"Ew, why are you even thinking about him." Louis cringes and finally looks at the side, Harry is not meeting his eyes, he is looking up at the ceiling like previously.
"It just... Came up."
"Derek is formal himself. That's why he does that. You don't." Because you once called me yours.
"Why?"
"Because... Just –it is what it is, I suppose." He sighs.
"Okay." He simply says and they fall into silence.
Silence.
Midnight comes, and Harry is still staring at the ceiling.
Thirty minutes later and his eyes are shut.
1am and Louis is still staring at him.
1:30am and Louis is talking alone.
The silence answers him.
He doesn't miss Harry like the other nights, although his soul still doesn't have him.
1:43am and Louis is moving from his position for the fourth time.
The wall is cold and there's no one to warm him up.
1:56am and Louis is looking at the guy sleeping on the mattress again and in that moment he doesn't see a twenty four years old Harry.
2:21am and Louis is reliving his day in his head.
But at 2:35am he feels alone and falls asleep at 2:50am with suddenly bad thoughts invading him.
~*~
Louis slowly opens his eyes, no differences found since it's too dark for him to see and his eyes are still tired and involved in the nightmare still playing on them. He feels his cheeks wet and –dammit he was crying again while sleeping. He still can't move, he hardly feels something, still in trance, shaking and sleepy from the dream. Something is out, something isn't going like usual. By now Zayn would be trying to wake him up, or snuggling next to him because he probably had screamed loud enough for him to go to his rescue, also the lights would be on and he wouldn't be feeling this sweaty and hot since Zayn would be helping him with that as well. But nothing like that is happening.
He is probably slipping the last salty tears he has and his heart is beating fast, but he still tries his best to focus on getting back his vision. He can't find himself to move but he doesn't really intends that anyway.
Then he feels the other difference thing from the usual, which is making him feel like something is out.
Someone is holding his hand. Not only simply holding but also caressing it. Slow and invisible circles being drawn in the back of it. And what is this warm feeling. This feeling of relief and as if energy is being transferred to him by this hand.
He hears whispers, not understanding its meaning but at the same time he truly feels like if he opens his eyes he can hear. He can hear because he can also spot Harry, still sitting on the floor, his arm across the bed, holding Louis' hand. His head slightly rested above his arm, looking at his own gesture and Louis is in awe.
So it was just a dream.
"It's okay, it's okay my love." He hears, Harry's features darker than what they should be but Louis can still see. "Make the nightmares go away, you can do it." Louis swears he has been doing this for some minutes now. "Think about the day you taught me how to swim and I had to go on your back because I almost drowned in the pool." He keeps saying softly, a small laugh escaping his lips with the memory. "Or the day I got sick and you took care of me. You were so good for me, my Louis." Louis whimpers, Harry is here, it's all okay. "Think about the day you scored the last goal to win the game and everyone was celebrating and looking for you, but you ran to the benches to hug me. We celebrated all day long and we ate ice cream in that place we used to go all the time." Louis breathes heavily, trying to steady his respiration. His eyes are fully open now and he truly sees Harry. He is still a bit in trance, the real Louis isn't truthfully in the room but he can still speak.
"Harry?" it was supposed to be loud, but it comes out as a whisper, his voice is weak and husky from sleeping.
"Yes baby, I'm here."
"You're here..." he repeats, his voice coming out soft now, his lips twisting looking at the curly haired guy sat on the floor still holding his hand. "Why are you on the floor?" he asks, shutting his eyes one more time. Harry squeezes his hand and raises his head from the mattress. "Must be cold. Did you go to the bathroom?"
"Erm... yes, I did." Louis hums trying to get comfy in the pillow, keeping his hand locked with Harry's. "You good?"
"No. 'm not good, you aren't here." He keeps talking softly, sounding younger, so much younger than he really is. "Hurry up." There's silence for a second but then Harry moves, drops Louis hand and jumps to bed next to him. He tries to snuggle next to the older boy, who automatically presses their bodies together. He puts his hand above Harry's belly and rests his head on his forearm. Harry sighs but holds him in place. "Warm." He whispers, his voice muffled by the fabric from Harry's shirt.
Harry puts his free hand above Louis' face, cleaning with his thumb the few tears that were left in his cheek. The older boy smiles with his eyes closed and leans his face to the touch.
"Wanna stay in bed all day." He speaks again. "Mom and dad are probably going to work." He continues. "Zoe takes care of Peter, right?"
"It's Sunday tomorrow, Lou." Harry chuckles.
"Right..." Louis nods, eyes semi opened but not really understanding what he is saying. "No school then." He says happily and goes back on resting his head on Harry's arm.
Silence again. "No school." Harry repeats, sadly. He sounds sad but Louis doesn't catch it. Louis thinks anything from the past five years happened.
Louis hums then, Harry's hand that was once on his cheek is rested on his chest, not really touching Louis', but the blue eyed boy opens one eye and puts his hand above his wrists, starting to play with Harry's bracelet, exactly like he used to do, obviously not realising that he doesn't have his own anymore.
Their hands move up and down along Harry's chest, according to his breathing. However, after short seconds Harry sighs again and pulls away his hand to stop Louis from touching his wrist. "Louis..." he calls him and for a moment Louis finds some type of difference in the tone of voice, in the way Harry calls him but he has no time to react to it. "Let's just go back to sleep then, yes?"
"Yes, okay." Louis answers, keeping his hand steady when Harry pulls away. "Are you okay?"
"I am." Harry answers, squeezing his hand that is holding Louis by his waist.
"Your parents are good? They let you stay here tomorrow?"
Silence. A longer silence.
"Good night, Lou." Harry insists and leans over a bit to place a kiss on top of his head. "Sleep well this time, please." Louis hums and uses Harry as his pillow, closing his tired eyes once again.
~*~
In the morning Louis wakes up with the covers pulled up all the way up to his neck, the pillow nicely fluffy and in a position that says I stayed relaxed all night. He raises his head and sees the mattress that Harry was supposed to be sleeping, with the sheets and covers folded and tidy. The light from the morning sun comes out from the opened window, illuminating the room that somehow feels less empty than the usual. But still not familiar.
He groans, letting his head fall down on the pillow again. He rolls over, facing his belly up and stays looking at the ceiling. Boring.
He takes his phone from the nightstand, clearly ignoring the picture on the old frame and checks the time. 9am it says.
There's no way he is going to sleep more even if he wishes for, so he stands up, pulls the sheets to the end of bed and walks out of the room.
He goes downstairs after washing his face and brushing his teeth. He listens to the TV from the kitchen and when he reaches it he sees his sister leaned over on the counter with an empty cup in her hand and a magazine next to her.
"Good morning." He says and when Zoe looks at him, she smiles instantly.
"Good morning, brother."
"Did you see Harry?"
She puts the cup on the side and looks back at Louis. "He was up really early and said he was going for a run. Is that a thing? Because that's just –"
"Not Harry at all?" Louis interrupts, chuckling a bit. "Apparently it is now."
"Well... That's good." Louis nods along.
"Was he okay?"
"I think." Zoe shrugs. "I can't really tell that, Louis." She finishes sadly but Louis decides to ignore that one bit and let it go.
"I'm hungry." He says changing subject. He ends up walking around the kitchen, trying to find some cereal, too lazy to try to do something else. Fiona appears, helping him out after he says why did you change place every important thing for me in this house, almost making Fiona worried because she thought he was talking serious when he said it made him feel like he didn't belong here anymore, which is absurd, Louis knows he still has his place in this house. He just knows it isn't the right one at the moment.
Before Louis can even finish his milk and his conversation with his mom and sister about the dinner tonight, Harry appears in the kitchen and Louis needs a moment. Or two. Maybe three. Because fucking hell.
His shirt is almost as if it's painted on his body, showing all his contours, the ones Louis wasn't award of existing at this point. His hair is wet, almost dripping water, which only says that it's raining. "Good morning. I'm sorry it's raining." Of course.
"Hello dear. Want me to find you a towel? Make you a hot tea or something?" Fiona asks, standing up from the chair she was sat on.
"No, no. Finish your breakfast, I just came here to give the keys she lent me." He says stepping closer to Louis' sister to give them, with a polite and sweet smile. Fucking dripping water and Louis is soon dripping saliva from his mouth. "And is better if I just take a shower." He finishes, for no reason at all pointing at the hall.
"You still need a towel." Fiona chuckles.
"I –I will go give it to him." Louis finally speaks, trying to articulate everything on his mind. Harry's body in that wet shirt, Harry coming to his old house after a run, Harry sweetly smiling at his sister, Harry having his fucking keys. Louis is an asshole for staring and finding hard to breathe and talk at this time. "I just finished." He says, ignoring the fact that still has milk and some cereals in his bowl but who is him to disappoint Harry Styles, while wanting to take a warm shower in his old bathroom?!
Harry nods with a small smile and Louis stands up to walk out of the kitchen to the hall, walking up the stairs. Harry takes his sneakers first, letting them at the end of the stairs before following him.
They go to Louis' room, where Harry gets some dry clothes while Louis goes to the bathroom attached to reach for some towels, which can be used by Harry.
"Sorry for letting water all over the floor." Harry says, bent over rummaging through his bag and Louis shouldn't be thinking about that one day –between many – they took a bath together and forgot about the towels and needed to walk around Louis' house naked looking for some.
They wet the floor, no shame until Harry falls over and Louis has that huge urge to lay down on top of his naked body and just kiss him. Kiss him there in the middle of the hall, where in any minute his family would come and find them in that figure. But Louis didn't care by that time, he had his best friend and he could kiss him. So he did it, – obviously after laughing because of his fall – he laid down on top of Harry, naked body pressed against naked body, cold warming up, tender gestures being shared, love being given hand in hand between the two and just... fuck, it was so good. Louis knew he could do everything, everything he did was good for Harry, everything was enough, just the two were enough and Louis didn't even see a problem in that. They were happy, they had a wet floor to clean, but they were happy. And when Harry kept apologising for forgetting about the towels and wetting the floor Louis kissed him and even thanked him for that. For everything.
"Thank you." Louis says and no. Nope. He can't do this, he can't be doing this, he grew up, they grew up and can't go back now. Louis can't even love him. Louis looks at Harry and can't even feel love. He just feels sadness and nostalgia, that's no way to feel towards someone. Especially someone like Harry.
"Excuse me?" Harry asks, raising his head, trying to look at Louis, confused.
"I said it's okay. And here you have some towels." He quickly says, putting them above the mattress Harry was in.
"Thank you." Harry sounds weird, Louis is sure of it, but he won't do anything about that. He won't even think about it.
Louis awkwardly stands there behind Harry, not knowing what to do next, so when he turns around to face Louis, he loses it. He just stares at the taller guy thinking if he walks away if he needs to say something and what, thinking that if he stays in the room what would he do and if Harry would find it weird he just, he doesn't know and – "Is that a tattoo?" Louis asks, looking at Harry's chest with narrowed eyes.
Harry looks down, as if not even he was aware of that detail in his body. But Louis tries to look closer, underneath the wet shirt and even a bit out of the collar he sees two spots, in each side close to his collarbones and really, what is it? Louis wants to know, Louis didn't even know that Harry was into these things, Harry did a tattoo and Louis doesn't know why and when and what's the meaning behind it – if it has any meaning. And Louis is thinking and he can't, I need to stop, he tells himself. Harry doesn't even look comfortable listening to that subject being brought up.
When Louis is opening his mouth to apologise – it perhaps would come out like sorry but can you just tell me what it is? – Louis' phone rings and he is probably thankful for it. Definitely. He looks up at Harry, at his face, for a moment, and doesn't even say a word, he just walks past him to grab his phone from the bedside table.
Zayn, he reads on the ID and thank you Zayn, thank you.
"Hi babe," Louis answers right away and Harry, who was weirdly standing in the same place, walks to the mattress to grab the towels.
"I'm just going to..." He awkwardly says, again, pointing at the bathroom, Louis makes a thumbs up – couldn't get stranger – and Harry leaves. Louis sights in the middle of something he clearly didn't listen to that Zayn was saying.
"Was that Harry?"
"Yes." Louis answers, sitting in the edge of the bed.
"Are you okay, Louis?"
"Sorry, yes I am. A little spaced out, just..." he even forgot that he was supposed to be mad at Zayn. Not mad, more like disappointed. But yes, he is and it affects the way he talks and acts with him, even look at him. "Okay, yes, what were you asking previously?"
"I just asked how you were going."
"Good." Not a lie.
"Good? You honestly left me confused when you said you were going to take Harry with you..."
"It was a decision made in the last minute." He bites his bottom lip and listens to the shower being turned on from the bathroom.
"Do you think it was... the best?"
"Yes." He answers without thinking. "Yes... yes it was I mean... they're all happy. My family. And I. I think it was good. At first was hard, especially with my father you know, but yesterday everything got better and... wow I can't believe in what is happening." He chuckles a bit. He needs to free himself, he needs to stop overthinking, stop turning good things into bad ones, needs to concentrate in the minute, in the present because everything else needs to be left out to enjoy the moment. And Louis might still be too fucked up to keep it but he needs to. He needs to make himself feel happy because at the end of the day he is the only one who can do it, who makes the choice.
"So... everything is okay between you two?"
"Yeah, life is good."
"That's really good, little one." And Zayn sounds really happy for him, which makes him miss the brown eyed guy. He deals with him 24/7 since he can remember now and Louis can't forget about him. Louis needs to keep valuing Zayn in his life even though, right now, he is disappointed.
"And how are you?" He asks because let's not talk about him. Enough of that.
"Oh. I am good, yes. Feel a bit lonely."
"I am coming back tomorrow love, don't worry." Louis jokes. "but why don't you hang out with Liam? Even Niall."
"I went for breakfast with Niall yesterday."
"Liam..."
"Oh yeah... no, maybe I will give him a call today." And Louis honestly thinks when he and Zayn are apart and they talk on the phone they look and sound like his sister talking with her boyfriend, or his mother talking with her friends and just... Louis thinks that's good. Because Louis needs this, Louis still needs Zayn a lot because for long moments, in London, he is all Louis has. Louis can't forget that.
So they keep talking till they reach a moment where it's just rambling and talking about stuff they probably did a month ago, or remembering each other from things they both lived together and that's far from the Louis is disappointed with Zayn thing, but Louis ignores it for a bit.
"All right, go on then. I will see you tomorrow little one. Love you." Zayn says the same moment Harry is coming out from the bathroom, all dressed up and a towel around his shoulders, going behind his neck to prevent his hair to wet his shirt. He looks comfy and fresh and Louis wants to smell him.
No Louis doesn't want to smell him.
"Bye, love. See you tomorrow." Louis says back and hangs up.
"Hi." Harry says then and Louis feels the need to smile a little.
"Hi." He answers, Harry scratches the back of his head and Louis stands up.
"Okay, so today we have that dinner at the formal's guy house?"
At your old house
~*~
And the dinner goes pretty well. It had to. The Johnson's are really friendly, even though not the kind of people Louis would see himself interacting this well with – because too posh and too expensive and too look alike from Harry's parents – but Louis enjoys their company, so does his family – not Peter included because he can't wait to get the hell out of this house to go to his computer. Louis and Derek's parents spend the night talking, just discussing about what they've been doing as if they usually don't see each other almost every day while Zoe talks with Derek's girlfriend – who Louis called fiancé by mistake and Harry complimented a lot – and Louis, Harry and Derek talk about things in general. About college, since Harry wanted to know about their experience, even though Derek is older. Best years of my life, Derek answers with a grin while Louis grumbles worst time of my miserable life.
It goes on like this and Louis sees how integrated Harry can really get because suddenly he joins Zoe and Cassie – Derek's girlfriend, typical blonde with green eyes – to the conversation. Travelling is the topic.
"Since I live in New York, we explored most of the States so we're now going around Europe. However, New York will always be our special place." Cassie says, holding Derek's hand above the table. Louis would say she is with him for money and all the things he gives her but honestly, he knows that look. The way she looks at him is beautiful and Louis can't be mistaken if he sees it with his own pair of blue eyes.
"I would love to visit New York." Zoe comments, looking at the couple in both interest and adoration.
"Get a job and get married, maybe you'll be lucky enough for that." Louis jokes, raising his eyebrows, teasing her.
"What about you Harry?" Derek looks at the man sat in front of him in the table.
"I have only been in Seattle." He answers. So he was living in Seattle.
"I went there once with my parents because of business. Didn't get the time to visit places and to appreciate the ambient. Cassie goes there a lot." Derek sighs. "Tell me, did you like it?"
"It was all right. I lived there for two and a half years more or less. But honestly, there's nothing better than London."
"You live in London now?" Cassie asks her eyes shining glued on Harry's features. He nods, with a small smile on his lips, as an answer. "I used to live and even though I travel a lot, I still love that place the most."
"You went to America after moving from here right?" Derek asks and Louis knows it's not his fault that the guy doesn't know that this subject isn't particularly Harry's favourite but he honestly wants to push him out of the chair. Since they entered this house Harry hasn't even looked around, hasn't made himself look curious about the place, it almost looks like the first time Louis got here knowing that this house didn't belong to Harry anymore but to his new neighbour.
"Exactly."
"What made you change your mind and move out to London? Why not to here again?"
"Erm, it's... a long story." He says uncomfortably, looking at Louis for an instant.
"You lived here, Harry?" Cassie asks, showing curiosity.
"Yes, he is the old owner from this house, darling." Derek answers in Harry's turn. Cassie looks surprised and Louis asks himself what's wrong with her because he has noticed the way she looks at Harry as if she is examining him and Louis can't understand how Harry doesn't even feel bothered with it. Maybe he didn't notice, but hell, Louis did.
"Oh my god." She says then and looks at Harry one more time, with her eyes wide open, mouth almost forming a perfect "o". "You're Styles, aren't you?"
"Yes." Harry answers, no stuttering, firm tone and Louis is impressed.
"I knew that I recognised you from somewhere." She grins and Harry narrows his eyes. "You're my cousin." What the fuck.
"What?" Harry almost laughs. "I'm sorry I don't think we know each other." Louis looks at Harry and then at the woman at time. No, not happening. They aren't even –okay maybe, her eyes perhaps but no, Louis can't really imagine Harry's family. Harry having cousins. This is weird.
"Yes we do. I'm sure. You grew up so much, I don't even blame you if you don't recognise me because every time you would go visiting us, you didn't look at anyone. This when you would go with your parents at all." She continues and Harry looks at her more confused than ever. "I'm Lizzy's daughter. Sarah's sister." And fuck. Louis notices the way Harry's eyes go wide, looking at the woman in horror. Literally in horror. He clenches his jaw, his throat probably goes dry, his fists shut above the table and Louis wants to rest his hand in his shoulder. Relax him. Do something, but instead he just stares at the guy and waits for what's happening next. "Are you... okay?" Cassie asks, bowing her brow.
"Yes." Harry answers in a monotone tone. Everyone else in the table seems oblivious of what is happening but Zoe is looking at Louis probably with the same aim that Louis has when looks at Harry. "I'm sorry it just took me by surprise. I didn't... Sorry for not recognising you." His voice almost breaks but Louis is impressed that he is holding himself this well.
"It's okay, I didn't expect anything else." Cassie doesn't even look like the type of girl Harry described his family to be when he used to go spend Christmas in London. She actually seems nice. "I can't believe I'm actually talking to you. You can't imagine how things have been since you disappeared. I mean... can I use this term?" Louis also wants to push her out of the chair even though she speaks carefully and looks at Harry not in a judging way, more like a concerned one.
"It's okay... I guess." It's not.
"Are you okay? Like, have you have a house? A job?"
"Yes." He answers the same way he has been answering and Derek looks at them attentively.
"God," She shakes her head and Louis can hardly tell but she even seems feeling a bit emotional over this. They're family, right? Harry can't even find a way to move. Louis asks himself if he is breathing. "this is insane. You probably can't believe it but the day you ran away..." she sighs. "Your mom called mine. She was... she sounded sick, insane. She was talking about the note you left and how your father didn't even want to call the police to look for you." Harry shuts his eyes and Louis is hitting his limit point and good because it seems like Harry's limit point is Louis'. "They were dealing with the papers from the divorce and you leaving just –"
"Are you trying to make me feel bad about leaving that place?" Harry interrupts her, he sounds so disturbed, making everyone else stop their conversation to look at Cassie and him. Derek looks so confused that if it wasn't for the moment it'd be amusing. "I'm sorry," Harry rubs his temples. Louis' eyes are locked on his profile and damn, he wants to touch him, he needs to, he needs to help him on this.
"I'm not. I'm sorry," Cassie says in a hurry, as if wanting to get her message sooner to Harry. "It wasn't my intention. I understand... I kind of understand why you left them. I'm just trying to show you that they cared. I'm specially talking about Sarah, but I know David did too. You leaving, made them feel really down."
"I'm sure." Harry half laughs and then looks around, noticing all eyes on him. "Please, let's just not..."
"Harry, maybe it'd be good contacting them. It's been years."
"No." Harry says straight away and Louis can't contain himself when rests his hand above Harry's forearm, a touch just to remind Harry that he is there and he is okay. Harry instantly stops himself from what he is about to say and looks at the side at Louis. Louis nods and keeps his eyes locked with his green ones. "I'm sorry, this is extremely rude and impolite but I think it's better if I just... go." Harry says looking around at everyone, each one looking shocker than the other.
Harry puts his both hands above the table and stands up, walking away from there. Louis looks at his mother, who makes him tones of questions just with her eyes, he doesn't dare to look at his father, afraid of finding something he doesn't want to. He looks at Zoe who is telling him go, go, go, without even saying the words. So he finds it enough, he gives a quick look at Derek and his girlfriend –Harry's cousin, and stands up.
"I'm sorry, excuse me." He says quickly and walks away as fast as possible. The noise from the front door shutting was previously heard before and is heard one more time by Louis this time.
Louis doesn't even need to think or look for Harry, he runs through the small stairs and goes to the sidewalk. He sees a silhouette walking quite quickly along the path so Louis follows him. It could even feel like he is being creepy but right now he doesn't know if it's a good idea to just pop out next to Harry. He doesn't even know what he would say, what would be the right thing, what would be what Harry needs and wants to hear. So he follows him until they reach their familiar park.
Harry doesn't sit under the tree this time, he takes off his shoes and socks, rolls up his jeans and sits near the lake, his feet touching the icing water. Louis sees him and decides to finally get near him. He sits Indian style next to Harry, feeling the wet grass on his bum but looking up at the sky like the younger guy is doing as well. Unlike London, the sky even being a really dark colour, it has stars and Louis feels alive. After everything he can feel alive by looking at a sky full of stars with the sun next to him.
"Hi." Louis says after some minutes, looking at the side to face Harry's features. He is so brave, Harry is so damn brave, he was when Louis knew him and got even more afterwards and now he is a hero.
"Hey," Harry's weak voice is heard and he slowly looks down at Louis.
"Aren't your feet cold under water?" he asks looking down at Harry's legs and then going back up.
"Very." Harry shrugs and they fall into silence. Louis doesn't know what he should do and it's literally killing him, the grass underneath him is eating every piece of him, dragging him down to the dirt and he is letting them. He doesn't care because he is being useless. Useless and a smoker. He gets his pack of cigarettes from his jacket and the lighter. If they're killing him then he'll die with nicotine in his lungs as cause of death because he doesn't want to deal with the shame. "Can you give me one?" Harry asks when Louis is already giving a drag and taking it between his lips, by his fingers. He looks at Harry attentively for a moment.
"No way I'm letting you get addicted to this shit."
"I wouldn't get addictive. It'd be just this one time and I... I need something to distract myself." He looks up at the sky again, not meeting Louis' face after the rejection.
"I'm here. To distract you I mean." Louis puts the cigarettes between his lips again, giving a long drag this time, blowing the smoke out in direction to the lake. Harry doesn't say a word and Louis honestly doesn't want to smoke another one but Harry is making it hard.
"It's you and me." He says when Louis is finishing the whole cigarette, and for much he loves to smoke in peace and silence he is also used to how relaxing it is smoking with Zayn so this uncomfortable silence isn't that welcome.
"What is you and me?" Louis asks, his heart beating hard on his chest, throwing the unlit cigarette away.
"My tattoo." Correction, Louis heart isn't even beating, it stopped. "Not literally," Harry chuckles, he can chuckle while Louis is just paralysed looking at the man, not feeling his legs at all. "It's not like I tattooed our faces on my chest." He continues and then briefly looks at Louis, who keeps staring at him, pale, probably going into cardiac arrest and Harry is still laughing. "Right," he clears his throat. "It's two swallows. The left one is me and the right one is you." Louis' heart is still not beating. "I made it when I established myself in London and after seeing you with Zayn. Wanna know what they mean?" He meets Louis' eyes. He must be looking terrible but right now he is too dead to realise something. If that makes sense.
"Please." Louis listens to himself but he can't recognise his own voice, he can't feel himself speaking.
"Freedom. What we always wanted together." He starts and Louis feels his eyes burning. "It means that we both found our way, with the help with the other and not. We did it. The fact that one of them symbolises you also means that you'll always be with me, you're part of me. Being free or not, you're here, so when I don't feel it you will be there to guide me." He finishes and Louis gulps in dry.
Harry Styles inked permanently on his skin something so symbolic but so important for both. It reminds Harry Louis, it is a part of Louis. Harry Styles is crazy and never forgot about him.
Louis presses his lips together and nods. Louis nods because there's no words right now that can express what he is feeling. He wants to say thank you but he doesn't even have the strength for it. Harry nods back, as if he was answering at something, as if they're really communicating this way. And it's enough.
"This is crazy." Louis says then, his voice breaking. He can't wait to hug Harry, have him on his arms, make sure he is real and is there, with his freaking feet still under water. "I made one too." He confesses and Harry looks curiously at him, giving him full attention. "On the same place, shit." He sinks his fingers in his hair, pulling his fringe to the side. "It says, it is what it is."
"What does it mean?"
"Life. Life, it is what it is. We are here right now because it is what it is. The pain, the sorrow, the guilt, the love, the hope... it is what it is. It's almost like, it is meant to be, it is this way for a reason and the result of it will always be something good."
"You're saying that everything that happened to us, brought good things and it was meant to be?"
"I'm not saying it was meant to be, but it happened for a reason. It brought me good things as well yes. Like Zayn, a different view to the world and you said and I agreed, our relationship wasn't healthy so it made it change. Made us change. But you're back here, and you're free. We are free. It means something. Somehow, when I did this tattoo I was expecting good things and accepting the bad ones."
Harry looks at Louis for a long moment, maybe longer than the one Louis took. Then he opens his arms to call for Louis. He approaches Harry, fitting himself under his arm. Harry puts it around his shoulders and make him get close to him.
"Last night you had another dream." Harry says and Louis was expecting him to talk about his parents, about what happened just a while ago. But apparently it still isn't the time. "Can you remember anything?" Louis shakes his head. "I tried to relax you again. This time you didn't call me Zayn."
"I called you Zayn the other time?"
"Yes, you thought I was Zayn." Louis tries to speak but Harry doesn't allow him to. "You called me Harry this time but... I think you kind of lost track of the time because you were talking as if... as if anything had happened. As if I was still living here and we were teens and went to school together –"
"Oh god." Louis sighs, almost panicking.
"No, no... it's okay. I mean, it was weird, very weird and I felt... I think I felt sad."
"Did I do something that –"
"No!" Harry interrupts him. "No, you didn't, just said some stuff but nothing bad, I swear. You talked about staying in bed all day and then... you talked about my parents." Louis looks up at the younger man, apologetically. "Ironic, right?" he chuckles but his expression drops, however, he brings Louis even closer to him, their bodies pressed together. "And now I realise, you're right. I'm free. And I love it, it's amazing. It makes me happy." He smiles to himself but Louis sees it, Louis sees it and wants to keep seeing it. "So seeing her tonight," he starts and Louis doesn't really know how it happens but Harry finds a way to hide his face on the crook of his neck, resting his head on his shoulder. "made me feel so much fear. That all of this can end."
"It won't, you know they can't do anything to you." Louis says softly.
"I know that, but just the idea of seeing them... it terrifies me." He sighs, making Louis feel his hot breathe hitting his skin. "What she said... they didn't care, they never did. I never understood them, especially the reason why they gave me so much hate instead of love." There's a pause. "But... if my parents were different, honestly Louis, I think I wouldn't be able to love you as much as I did." Louis' breath gets stuck on his throat. "Because you were the only person I had to love, the only person that showed me the meaning of that word." Louis feels Harry's hand holding his other shoulder and Louis feels. Louis feels Harry's lips slightly touching his warm skin from his neck. Kissing, pecking, slowly and the touch is hardly there but he is doing it. This small gesture. "So you're right. It is what it is."
~*~
» really weird chapter, at first i wasn't sure about it but then i think it went all right. so how's you thoughts about harry's cousin appearence? do you think it'll change something or lead to something? do you agree with what harry said about loving louis the way he did because he was the only person he had?