Carson^^
Carson's POV
"Are you ready to go?" Jay asked, leaning against the doorframe of my bathroom where I was finishing getting ready. I shakily nodded with a tight smile and let him pull me out of my room and downstairs. I asked him to drive me to my therapy appointment because I knew if I was the only one going right now I would probably not end up going, and I really wanted to get help; I just didn't think I would be able to do it by myself.
We passed pack members as we made our way to Jay's Jeep, and everyone seemed happy to see us together; nobody seemed to have any bad feelings towards the two of us being mates, which I wasn't expecting.
As we made our way to the therapist's office, there was a comfortable silence that fell over the car with the music playing in the background along with the occasional interruption from the GPS. Jay recognized that I was too immersed in my own thoughts to engage in a conversation, and I was okay to be left to my own thoughts for once; enough so that I didn't even realize how long we had been driving until Jay was parking at the office.
"I can come in if you would like, or I can stay out here? Either way is more than okay with me," Jay said, looking over at me with a reassuring smile on his face.
"Do you mind coming in? I just, I've never been here and," the rest went unsaid as he turned his car off and jumped out to come open my door.
The two of us made our way inside about 25 minutes before my actual appointment in order to fill out any necessary paperwork. Admittedly, I was dragging my feet more than needed in order to attempt to stall, but Jay continued to pull me along the entire way. He quietly opened the door to what I assumed was the therapist's office and ushered me inside and towards the reception desk.
"Hi, how may I help you today?" A sweet-looking girl with black hair and about a dozen piercings asked with a polite smile.
"Uh, h-hi? I have an appointment at uh 3, I'm kinda early, sorry" My voice was a bit breathy and my heart was racing as if I had just run a marathon.
"Oh, that's okay, I'm assuming you're new because I've don't recall seeing you before; what's your name, hun?" She asked while grabbing a clipboard and some papers.
"Carson Willis," Jay had a reassuring hand on my back that made me relax a bit more knowing I had someone here with me.
"Okay, I have you down here. Because it is your first time here, there's a bunch of paperwork for you to fill out. The papers are pretty basic things like age, address, etc. Then I'll give you an iPad to go through a few questionnaires just so Dr. Taylor can get a baseline of information from you and you can let her know why you're here. Let me know if you have any questions, and I'll just need your ID and insurance card or form of payment. Sound good? Whichever you finish first you can bring up and then do the other," I nodded, grabbing my wallet out and handing her my license and debit card before taking the clipboard and iPad from her had and turning around to find somewhere to seat.
Jay pushed me towards two empty seats away from the handful of other people scattered around the cozy office. I started filling out the papers with my basic information: name, age, address, marital status, any medical information, emergency contacts, etc. After I finished the physical work, Jay took it from me and brought it up to the receptionist before moving back to sit next to me.
The electronic work was more intimidating because it was the reason I was here, all put into some statements I had to rate on a scale of never experience to experience multiple times a day.
"Don't stress too much dollface, just be honest and it'll all be good. Okay?" Jay whispered in my ear before placing a kiss on the side of my head. Yeah, okay, it would all be okay.
I feel as though life is passing by and I have no control.
A few times a week.
I feel helpless when it comes to who I am and what goes on in my life.
At least once a day.
I wish I was someone else, or at least not me.
Multiple times a day.
I wish I was not alive/ I do not think I deserve to live.
Multiple times a day.
These questions went on for about 20 or so focusing extensively on anxiety and depression-related topics. Next were questions relating to self-image and eating disorders rated on a scale of 1-5 based on how true I found them.
I limit what I eat because it makes me feel better about myself.
4
I binge what I eat because I feel like it gives me control/I do not know how to control it.
1
I make myself expel what I eat because I feel guilty after consuming calories.
5
After that questionnaire, I had to give written answers to questions about my childhood and any past relationships I felt harmed me more than they did well. This entire section made me realize how much my mom made me hate myself and how little my dad actually knew.
One or both of my parents physically abused/abuses me.
Yes, my mom did from the time I was about 11 until recently.
One or both of my parents sexually abused/abuses me.
No.
One or both of my parents emotionally degraded abused/abuses me.
Yes, my mom did from the time I was about 8 until recently.
If only one parent was abusive/is abusive, did the other parent know if they were present in your life?
No, she did it when he was away and made sure I wouldn't tell him or anyone what was happening.
These questions took me about 10 minutes to complete and then I was given a space to put any other information down that I felt necessary for the therapist to know; I left it blank. She already knew my entire life story from the questions.
When I submitted the last questionnaire, Jay took the iPad from me and brought it up to the desk and got my ID and card back. The two of us sat next to each other watching some daytime television with my leg bouncing from anxiety.
I'm proud of you, like so extremely proud. Issac chimed in all-of-a-sudden after being silent for the last few days. Before I had the chance to reply, a door was opening and a middle-aged woman with shoulder-length brown hair and round glasses was calling my name.
"Hi Carson, I'm Dr. Taylor, but please just call me Liz. It's nice to meet you," her voice was soft as she held the door open for me to follow her back into her office. Jay gave me a reassuring smile just before the door closed and the panic began to set in.
"Uh, hi, it's nice to m-meet you too," my voice was hushed as we walked into her office and she motioned for me to sit on the couch.
"I know this is your first session, so I just want to go over some stuff with you and get to know each other a bit more. Okay?" She has a comforting smile that caused her eyes to wrinkle up around the edges; it was motherly.
"Yeah, that's okay,"
"Great! Your dad called and let me know that your a wolf and all that, so don't feel the need to hold back any of that stuff. I was adopted into a wolf family when I was eight and understand all the dynamics and such. Aside from that, why don't we begin with your childhood, if that's okay with you?" She paused for a moment and waited for me to give the go-ahead.
"Tell me a bit more about your relationship with your parents, anything and everything you feel like sharing right now," she said after I nodded. Well, it's now or never.
"Well, uh there's not too much. My parents had me when my dad was 22 and my mom was 21; they weren't actually um, mates? My dad felt pressured to find someone to have a kid with because the alpha and gamma of our pack had their mates and first kids who would end up taking over. So I was born. My dad and I were close when I was younger, but as I got a bit older, we started growing apart, and he became more involved with pack duties." I stopped there, not really knowing what to say next; this was all new to me.
"And your mom?" Liz had a polite and friendly smile as she looked up from her notepad.
"Yeah, she kinda hated me? Like I don't think she ever felt that connection with me the same way my dad did or other parents do. I can't remember a time where we were together just because. She um, was pretty abusive starting when I was eight with more mental stuff, but a few years later it began to turn physical. It lasted until very recently when my dad and her split." My voice quieted down towards the end; I had never told anyone this and it felt like a relief as well as terrifying.
"I saw that in your answers, you also said that your dad didn't know?" Her voice turned up in a question towards the end.
"Yeah, well no, he didn't know. She was careful about when she did what exactly. At first, she was just degrading and mean to me, but when I got older and my dad had to be gone more for work, it became physical because she knew I wouldn't say anything to anyone. I was scared my dad would hate me; as far as I knew, she was his mate."
"But she's not?"
"No, he actually finally met his true mate, Zayn. That just happened about three months ago, and she knew. He was planning on leaving her and bringing him here from England, and that happened," sorting through everything out loud with someone who didn't know everyone else was nice; she couldn't judge.
"Oh, how'd that go?"
"Not well. I met my mate, Jay," I couldn't stop the smile that came to my face as I started talking about him, "well when I say meet, it's more like I found out because I've known his since I was born. He was my best friend, and I was supposed to be his beta, but now I'm going to be his...his," I still couldn't really bring myself to say it.
"Luna, if I'm not mistaken, right?" Liz continued to take notes while still being fully engaged in what I was saying. She made it easy to open up to her.
"Yeah, yeah, it was his birthday a couple of weeks ago and we found out. I've known I was gay since I was 12, and I've kinda had a bit of an, um, crush on him for a couple of years, but he doesn't know that. When we found out we were actually mates, my mom flipped out and slapped me in front of the entire pack; the next day another ordeal broke out with her about Jay and me and my dad made her leave; that's when he told me about Zayn. I met him the next night; he's super nice and makes my dad happy."
"Well, that's always good. Going back to your mom, has she ever hit you in front of other people before?"
I was shaking my head before she would finish her question, "No, she was too careful about that. When the physical stuff started it was small and didn't leave marks, but she reminded me that she could do worse if I said something because she was my dad's mate and he'd pick her over me. When she started leaving marks it was in places nobody would see, and when people did she I played it off like I fell or hurt myself in training." It was all true; it was pretty much a joke throughout the entire pack that I was a clutz due to how much I fell.
"So he left her recently then," She asked.
"Yeah, but he had finally found his true mate so he would've left her no matter what he found out of how she felt about me," it was true to me. I couldn't imagine someone picking me over anyone else.
"Why don't you think he would not have picked you over her?"
"Because she said, and they were mates even if not destined mates."
"Exactly, she said. She was not a good mother, and I am not one to mommy-shame, but you've recognized that she was abusive, so of course, she would have made you believe what she wanted you to. Abusive people are the way they are because they want the control and the power over their victims, and that is what she did to you. You've said that there was no way he knew, so in his mind, there was no reason to leave her."
"I mean yeah, but he was already planning on her leaving because he found his mate, so he didn't have to pick me then, it just happened that he found reasoning then," this is what I truly believed but what nobody knew.
"But he didn't pick her, even if they weren't technically mates, they spent nearly 18 years together, and he still picked you over her in what seemed like an instant." Liz looked at me with a small smile, and I understood what she was saying, but I couldn't believe it.
"Well, yeah," in a way, she made sense and made other things begin to click into place because he didn't know, so how could he have left her sooner?
"I think this is a great start and a good place to end our first session, but I do want to keep seeing you. I think for now we should start with twice a week for the foreseeable future, does that work for you?" Liz began to close her notebook and stand up.
"Yeah," my mind was still kinda reeling.
"Great, I'll let Jazzmine know and have you two discuss when works best for you. It was really great to meet you, Carson." I shook her had and exchanged goodbyes before meeting Jazzmine to set up my other appointments.
Jay was waiting patiently on his phone when I got out and had a blinding smile on when he saw me.
"Ready?" He asked grabbing my hand as he stood up. I nodded and let myself be pulled outside and to his car.
"How'd it go?" He asked as we started driving towards the packhouse. My mind was still buzzing from talking even just a few things out with someone.
"Good, it was a start."
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