──────⊹⊱✫⊰⊹──────
Something was wrong, I could sense it.
Xandra, my only reason to feel like the happiest girl on the planet, seemed to avoid me. At first I thought she didn't talk to me in Larry's presence to avoid acting different than before that night or acting suspicious in any way. Admittedly I felt weird facing Larry when he was around. I kept experiencing these pangs of guilt when I had to look him in the eyes. After all he was Xandra's boyfriend and Xandra had betrayed him with me. Why would I not feel guilty?
On the other side my feelings for Xandra were stronger than ever - She made me feel things I'd never experienced before. This woman could manage to intoxicate my senses even with the slightest touch. When her had lips met mine she'd managed to make a firework of tingles explode in my body. I'd arrived at a point where I could no longer imagine a life without Xandra around me. I'd been waiting so long to figure out what I felt for this woman, I'd struggled days and nights to accept my feelings for her but after everything that had happened I knew those were definitely genuine. Everything about her intrigued me. I'd met and fallen in love with the person I could imagine living my life with. She meant everything to me (corny or not) she was the key to my happiness.
Nevertheless, an undefinable distance separated us. Xandra seemed to be farther away than ever.
Although we were sitting at the same table, in the same house eating dinner and breakfast with Larry the distance in her eyes bothered me. Something was up, undoubtedly.
My faint suspicion confirmed when Xandra suddenly started to spent the majority of the time away from the house, away from me. She seemed to work more often and longer, often coming home when I was already asleep. Nonetheless, I occasionally heard her sneaking upstairs and barely audible closing the door to Xandra and Larry's bedroom. I realised we'd barely spoken except the day after the night of prom.
I started to mull over the whole situation until my worry grew bigger and bigger - Had I upset her? Had I done something wrong? Did she hate me for what had happened? The gnawing feelings of unrest and melancholy were slowly tearing me apart. Why did she avoid me? What kind of relation did we even have? I couldn't bear loosing her...
After some restless nights of overthinking I decided to finally ask her what was wrong. I could no longer move on with the thought that I might be the reason for her distance...
One evening before sunset when I came home from Boris' house, Larry was still at work and Xandra was busy doing the dishes the occasion arose. As I entered the kitchen and spotted Xandra with her back to me she didn't seem to notice my presence but I knew better.
"Xandra?", I asked carefully, nervously playing with my fingers. The room was filled with silence. Xandra paused her actions for a moment, then grabbed another plate.
"Not now. I'm busy, (Y/N)", she then stated in a cold tone without looking at me, making my heart sink. Oh god, she was mad at me... I knew it.
I remained in my position for a moment and observed her with perplexity as she continued to ignore me. "Please", I eventually heard myself beg, my voice faint.
Xandra let the plate sink and seemed to deliberate before she finally turned around and crossed her arms when she leaned against the kitchen counter. "Alright", she mumbled apathetically. It seemed as if she absolutely didn't fancy talking to me.
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. "I was wondering what's actually going on between us. I mean...I don't quite-...."
I was cut off by her shaking her head in disbelief. "(Y/N), Nothing's going on between us"
At first I was taken aback by her words and needed a moment to process what she'd just said. "W-what do you mean? You...you kissed me and..-"
"I don't want you to talk about that night ever again!", she cut me off sharply, staring at the window, arms still crossed.
I didn't understand the world anymore. "What's going on? Why are you like that? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me! You've been avoiding me all the time, I feel so guilty..."
"Forget everything! Forget the damn night! Nothing has ever happened between us, do you understand me?!", an empty gaze fixed me. Her sharp tone frightened me. There was no light in Xandra's brown eyes, no warmth. Just emptiness and coldness.
"What? What's the problem?", I stuttered in confusion and bit my lip to suppress incoming tears.
"The problem?", Xandra raised both brows and her voice grew louder as she tossed the towel in the sink. "The fucking problem?! I FUCKING cheated on your uncle"
I could no longer hold my tears back, they were streaming down my face as I tried to give an answer with quivering lips. "I-I...know but I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty every time I look at Larry but I can't deny my feelings for you as well. Don't you think this is tearing me apart? I can't even describe how much you mean to me. I tried to suppress my feelings for you all this time but I just can't live with this lie. I admire you, you are the most exquisit and special person I've met, you make me feel things I've never felt before...- I...I..love you" I couldn't meet her gaze when I finally officially confessed my deep love.
A moment of silence passed which was tearing me apart.
"This is just a crush. It'll go away" She cleared her throat. "I'm about 22 years older than you."
Her words cut deep. A sharp pain spread through my body as I tried to convince myself that this had to be a bad nightmare.
"Since when does age matter?", I managed to whisper, fresh tears flowing down my cheek.
Silence.
"I have no feelings for you. And you shouldn't have feelings for me as well." The aching pain in my chest grew bigger at Xandra's harsh words. I felt like I was about to break down and burst into loud sobbing anytime.
"You...you don't mean that...", my cracking voice filled the room, my desperation more than evident.
Xandra didn't look at me. "I do"
„So you played with my feelings all this time?! You...you used me?"
Silence.
Hot tears ran down my cheek. How could she do that to me? "Why did you kiss me then?", my weak voice got caught in my throat. I lifted my tear-stained face and when I looked her in the eyes another tear streamed down my cheek. "Don't tell me you didn't feel anything when you kissed me. Didn't it mean something to you at all?"
She closed her eyes for a moment and bit her lip, then slowly turned her back to me, making my last spark of hope vanish. As she spoke her voice sounded strained but I blanked it out as her painful words hit me. "No. I should have never kissed you. I should have never let it all happen. It was a big mistake."
I felt like Xandra had just shot me in the chest. The room began to spin around me, my vision blurred as fresh tears burned in my eyes; I couldn't fathom what she'd just said. I struggled to believe what was going on. I tried to reply but the words wouldn't leave my lips. My mouth opened and closed, tears continuously streaming down my cheeks.
"I'm sorry", I heard her faintly mumble.
Eventually, I couldn't take it longer. As I uncontrollably started to sob loudly, adrenaline seized my body and I stormed out of the room. I could no longer stay in this house with Xandra. Everything was a big lie. I felt like throwing up any time.
Xandra didn't follow me.
I kept running and running, leaving the house behind me, never looking back. Fresh tears blurred my vision as I raced into the desert, unaware where to run as long as I got farther away from the woman who'd just broken my heart into thousand pieces, the woman I'd trusted the most, the woman I'd devoted myself to.
While the sun gradually vanished behind the sand dunes I kept up my pace, the stinging pain in my chest increasing rapidly with every thought of Xandra. Her words echoed through my head again and again. I tried to tell myself that I was just dreaming but to no avail.
Out of breath I found myself standing on the hill Boris once had shown me, staring at the desert area in front of me. A cool breeze seized me as I sat down and rested my back on a withered tree. Nothing made sense. One day Xandra'd told me how much she longed to kiss me and made love to me, the other day she'd suddenly ignored me and told me that the incident had been a huge mistake. Where had the light in her eyes gone, why had it turned into coldness? Why had she used me? Why had she played with me? How could she do that to me? My crying had again turned into uncontrollable sobbing as I drew my knees closer to my chest. I longed for someone to hold me, for someone's warm embrace but no one was there. I was alone. Trapped in this madness and the sea of lies Xandra had created. It was smothering me.
Waves of sadness kept seizing my body accompanied by the huge pain that spread through my body growing bigger and bigger. My hands were still shaking as I covered my tear stained face. Everything felt like a huge illusion. The realisation that I should have never come to Vegas crossed my mind. I wanted to hide in the desert forever, surrounded by yawning emptiness and never come back.
At least no one could hear me or see me crying in the desert. My sobbing was swallowed by the night.
──────⊹⊱✫⊰⊹──────