"Ok, I'm off to Charles now. Don't wait up, I will probably sleep there again" I said, putting on my jacket. Ok I had my keys, a toothbrush and my charger, I was good to go. Nick was sitting in his bed, staring into his phone and just glancing over to me, throwing me a judging look, before returning to his phone almost unbothered.
"So, that guy is like your boyfriend now or whatever?" Nick asked as I threw one last look in the mirror, to check my hair. I didn't necessarily do that for Charles, but it was a routine for me. I sighed heavily. This is how it has been the past few days, if not two weeks now. Every time I went out with Charles, Nick was throwing a tantrum. It was honestly exhausting and I was trying to stay understanding, against Charles advice, but it was hard.
"No, he is the guy I'm seeing. He hasn't asked me...yet" I replied, combing through my hair. Nick scoffed and I turned around, throwing my best friend a confused and cold glare. Nick returned that same one with a smilier icy look on his face and I turned back around, pretty sure I had made my point clear. I wasn't attached to Charles yet, but I didn't like how Nick talked about him. He could at least try and be happy for me, right?
"But you would say yes if he asked you" Nick stated and I took a moment to think about it. Would I say yes? I never had a boyfriend nor had I had the desirer for that in my life before, but now, there was Charles. If he would ask me to be in a committed relationship with him, I think I would say yes. He has helped me so much and I think, I just...I would accept.
"I guess" I said and Nick scoffed again.
"You don't even love the guy! Right?" he asked, sitting up and I sighed, hanging my head low in defeat, as I turned around. He wouldn't let this slide, would he?
"No, not yet. But I really like him and I think this could go somewhere. He's good for me Nick" I said and Nick clenched his jaw, laying back down like a pouting child, which was getting exhausting at that point. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared at the ceiling.
"But if you don't love him, why would you date him?" Nick interfered again and I sighed, grabbing my phone, ready to leave this awful conversation. Whenever we would talk about Charles, which would always be a topic Nick would bring up, we were fighting, but also not really. I didn't like it at all, but what can I do?
"Nick, man, you literally change girlfriends every other week. You may think you love them, but you don't really. I think maybe I could love Charles someday and if not, we break up, simple as that. Not everybody's love life is like Blake and Romeos" I defended myself and Nick grunted, but didn't say anything.
"I will see you tomorrow and please don't mope around, pouting all night again" I said and Nick threw me a confused glare.
"I don't do that!" he exclaimed and I rolled my eyes. "Yeah sure and I'm a virgin" I scoffed, making Nicks lips twitch into a smile, but only for a split second, before they returned to their angry glare, matching the rest of his face. God, I just wanted everything to be normal again. When did we go so wrong? I should have never brought up the kiss. I should have just sucked it up and lived with a little bit of confusion for a while. Would that really have been so hard?
"Ok...bye" I said, opening the door. I waited one moment, but I didn't even hear him grumble a goodbye. Releasing a deep sigh, I closed the door behind me. Couldn't he at least pretend to not be so hurt? Was he just jealous that I, his best friend, was spending so much time with another person that wasn't him, or was he actually jealous of Charles dating me? I still couldn't believe the last part, even though a literal psychiatrist told me that this might be very true. Its just- we have been friends for so long, it was hard imagining that Nick, my straight best friend, had started to feel something different.
I not once in the past had even imagined us two together, never. I didn't know if I could, if they turned out to be real, return Nicks feelings, but right now, that didn't matter. Because all I saw was him acting selfish and like a little kid. Even if he liked me, he shouldn't try to start a fight with me every five seconds. Right?
-
"And he, the one guy who was never in love and never really in a stable relationship, because lets be real, three weeks are not a real relationship, is telling me, that I'm doing the wrong thing. I don't know why he can't just give you a chance or at least not make my life so fucking hard... do you know what I mean?" I asked Charles. I was currently laying in his bed with him, similar to the past three weeks.
Charles had asked me out on two more dates and most of the time, we just hung out. I got to complain about Nick and he gave me advice or simply listened. We hadn't done anything sexual yet and I found that surprisingly easy and good for me. I had never tried the whole 'getting to know each other before you jump into bed' thing and right now, it was working for me. I trusted Charles more and more and it gave me a different sense of control, a healthier way. I didn't desirer to hook up with him anytime soon, which sounds very weird considering that I was attracted to him, but I guess waiting just a little bit more would really help me and even heal me, like Charles said it once.
Charles nodded and I sighed. My head was resting on his chest and I was facing the ceiling. His hand was running soothingly up and down my arm, comforting me, which I had never had anybody do to me before. I wasn't the cuddle type and I also didn't really like it with Charles. I didn't hate it, but in my opinion, we could be a little further apart. I don't know, affection was still hard for me. But Charles liked to keep me close and I stoped complaining at some point. It was just cuddling, so why not? I should get used to that anyway.
"Yeah" Charles said and I sighed again. It was nice to have Charles analyze Nicks confusing actions and give me advice, but I wished he would just have a solid solution. A way to solve the problem, without losing Nick or having to suck up his insults and pretend to be something that I'm not.
"Its just really unfair. How am I supposed to talk to him, if he always finds a way to get the topic back on you and make me feel bad about it. If he really does like me, shouldn't he find a way to make me like him and not break our whole friendship?" I asked. I had talked a lot about Nick in the past few days, since he always gave me a reason to, but Charles had told me to let it out and I felt like those thoughts were safe with him. Even if he would mind, for once I didn't care about that. I liked Charles and I guess if he would ask me, we would be in a relationship, but I was still me, so what other people thought about me was really not something I would worry about.
"Maybe" Charles simply said and kept stroking my arm up and down.
"I don't know why this is all so complicated" I sighed and Charles cleared his throat, sitting up slightly.
"Well maybe, you just need to get your mind off for a while" he said, a suggestive smirk in the corner of his mouth. Charles and I were taking it slow, but we still made out and so I grinned, before nodding and letting Charles lean forward, pressing his lips against mine.
The kiss started slow and tender, making me actually forget about my problems with Nick. But slowly, Charles started to move his lips a little faster against mine and more eagerly. I responded to the kiss and followed his lead, as he sat up even more and reached for my waist with his hands. Charles was very touchy and affectioned as I had gotten to know and even if it wasn't my personal favorite, it also made me feel safe and a little bit in control. Suddenly, his grip on my hip tightened as he threw himself on top of me, his one leg between my own as his hands held me in place.
Charles liked it a little rough while we were making out and sometimes, I still got this slight panic, since I didn't have the control over the situation that I normally would, but I had gotten kind of used to it. His hands roughly gabbed my hips and sides, feeling my skin by slightly letting his hands wander under my shirt. My hands went to grab his neck and pulled him closer, while my legs caged him, so I could get a little bit of control, but Charles would have none of that, as he took my hands and pinned them above my head and straddled my hips with his legs.
My breath hitched in my throat at the uncomfortable feeling of having literally zero control right now. It wasn't the first time that Charles had done something so sudden and overpowering, but it still send chills down my spine. I gulped as I watched Charles dive down and attack my neck with his kisses. I closed my eyes and pressed down the weird feeling in my gut, trying to enjoy myself. Charles was doing a good job working my neck and collarbone and normally, I would have totally gone crazy over that, but I couldn't help, but feel a little uncomfortable.
Suddenly, one of Charles hands, that had been holding mine, moved down to open my shirt and roamed over my naked torso. I closed my eyes again and tried to distract myself from feeling uncomfortable. But when his hand moved down and even further down, resting and palming my crotch, my eyes widened and the feeling was just too strong at that point.
"Uh Charles? Can we stop now? I mean- not go further? I think I really want to wait just a little bit longer" I confessed. I had no problem vocalizing my wishes, if they were strong enough, much to Charles dismay as I may add. I don't know why, because he should be proud of me, I think, but whatever. Charles froze and his head slowly rose, revealing a slightly annoyed glare.
"You still want to wait? But it has been three weeks now, Jaxson" Charles stated and I blushed a little. I wasn't a prude, we all know that, but I really just felt like I needed to trust Charles a little bit more.
"Yeah, I know and I'm so grateful that you brought me to wait, because I really feel the positive effects it has on me, so can we please just...wait a little bit longer?" I asked, an awkward smile on my lips and Charles had sat up, his one hand still holding mine over my head. A few dark strains of his hair had fallen into his face, but other than that he was flawless. Charles was breathing heavily from the attack on my neck as he looked at me.
"No" he said.
I chuckled slightly, not getting the joke. "What?" I asked and Charles started to lean down and attack my chest with rough kisses and a few bites.
"I said: No" Charles growled against my skin and for a second, I thought I hadn't heard him correctly. He kept my hands caged above my head and his legs straddling my hips, keeping me in place as his other hand slowly went to the buckle of my belt. And realization set in.
"What do you mean no?! Get off of me right now!" I growled, not letting him hear that I was borderline terrified in that moment. Was he really...Charles..the one guy I started to trust, who I actually build some sort of relationship with, didn't understand the word no? He wanted to... what? Was this some sort of joke? Oh my god, can't a guy catch a fucking break?? This was just great.
"I mean" Charles said, sitting up, before turning me onto my stomach so quickly, I had no time to react, and sat on my legs, preventing me from fighting back, as he leaned down on me, his mouth next to my ear, before he breathed "We are doing this now and you are going to enjoy it. I've waited long enough, don't you think? You depend on me, you don't want to lose me and now you do as I say, so I can get what I want"
A cold shiver ran down my spine, as I registered what Charles had actually just said to me. My heart was beating very fast and my legs began to slightly tremble, as I realized what this was. What he was willing to do.
Charles hands went to the hem of my pants, pulling them down. And I let him, too shocked and, as I shamefully had to admit to myself, also too frightened to react. But when he reached my underwear, something in me snapped.
One important aspect of my life, that I hadn't told Charles about was, that one of my best friends, Blake, had suffered immense pain in his life. When me and the rest of our group actually saw what had happened to him, Blake being a football jock, who wouldn't be classified as feminine or vulnerable, we all decided to take a self defense class, including his boyfriend Romeo. We just realized, that this could happen to any one of us and so we learned how to fight a rapist off.
So as I freed one hand from Charles cage grip and grabbed his wrist, as his hand was just about to slip off my briefs, he didn't say or do anything right away, probably just thinking I was afraid and silently pleaded for him to have some mercy.
When he finally did move, probably trying to get my hand back to where it belonged, I quickly used one of the moves we had learned, where I twisted his arm, making him yell in pain "Fuck!", before I jumped out under him, caging his arms crossed behind his head, where he couldn't use them and I used my leg to sit on his throat, to stop him from moving, or else I would just press harder and make him choke. Charles tried to fight under me, but I had him in my grip.
"I said: No" I growled down at him. Charles tried to get out of my grip and he was strong, but even a 4,3 woman could hold a guy down with this move. Charles tried to catch some air, but I casually choked him, just how he probably had planned to do with me. We had a bit of a glare battle, before I got off of him, letting him cough to get some air in his lungs again.
I stood up and quickly pulled up my pants. Just when I got my jacket off the floor, I heard him getting up and trying to attack me from behind, but I was quick to grab his arm and twist it behind his back, slamming him, face forward, against the wall.
"I warn you buddy, I know how to defend myself" I growled and Charles struggled for a moment, still trying to win, before I let go and he grunted, rubbing his wrist.
"Whatever, just leave you slut" he said and I chuckled.
I threw my jacket over my shoulder, opening the bedroom door, before turning around and sarcastically saying "Oh yeah, I'm such a slut." I walked down the hall and left the apartment.
Charles didn't follow me.
As soon as the door behind me closed, I release a deep breath. Suddenly, I realized that I was shaking. Fuck. Fuck that could have gone so wrong. If I had never met Blake, if I didn't do that class, he would have overpowered me. If I wouldn't have known for sure, that I could fight him, I would have maybe just let it happen. I quickly walked down the stairs and rushed down the street, towards my campus. The whole time, I was trying to get my trembling under control.
Some people looked a little weirdly at me, as I passed them. I mean, it was pretty late and here comes a tall guy, looking like he wants to murder somebody. Or witnessed a murder just now. Calm down Jaxson, nothing happened, its all good. You did good, you fought and won, everything is fine. As I reached my room and tried to open the door, my hands were shaking and I couldn't get the key in the hole.
"Come on, concentrate Jaxson" I said to myself. Finally, the door sprung open, but it wasn't me who had done it, but in front of me stood Nick, who must have thought somebody was trying to break in.
"Jaxson?! What are you doing here?" he asked, sounding a little tired. Had I woken him up? I tried to focus all of my trembling on my left hand, which I was hiding behind my back, to not have a conversation about what had just happened with Nick and it worked surprisingly well.
"Uhm, I'm gonna take a shower" I suddenly announced, as I didn't want confrontation right now. I quickly rushed past Nick and grabbed a towel, before throwing my jacket on my bed and rushing to the bathroom. "Uh ok?" I heard Nick, but I was already locking the door.
I quickly undressed myself and when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I fled into the shower. Nope, we are not going down that road. Not that I didn't like my body, I loved it, actually, but after what had just happened, I didn't need to be reminded, if you know what I mean.
I turned on the shower and let the hot water run down my body. As if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I leaned my head against the wall, exhaling slowly. And then it all came crushing down on me. My failing friendship with Nick, my insecurities and fears, that Charles had brought to my attention and- Charles. A guy I had slowly started to trust and kind of like, who betrayed me. Was this what he wanted all along? But why did he even suggest to wait then, if he only wanted sex! I had literally offered it to him.
No, he wanted me to be dependent on him. To be in the absolute lower position. To submit to him, because I would have felt obligated to do so. To let him do whatever he wanted, because I would have been afraid to lose him.
There was a lump in my throat, that I recognized as a sign that I needed to cry. Normally, I would just gulp it down, but suddenly, I couldn't do that anymore. Slowly, the tears started falling and I was sad, angry and frustrated. He knew how afraid I was to get hurt. How much I liked to be in control and safe. He manipulated me, so he could have some extra fun. I had been used in the past, not that I care, but a fucking no is a fucking no. I will never know how Blake felt, but I now, more than ever, wanted to hug him.
A muffled sob left my lips, as I stared angrily ahead. The tears fell and it hurt, my whole mind and body hurt. I was never betrayed like this. Normally, I wouldn't let people get too close and I didn't trust many people, but Charles was one of the few and now, here I was. I could have been raped. If I didn't know how to defend myself properly, I would be a crushed man right now. I hit with my fist against the wall, sobbing. Why was this happening? Why did Charles have to do this?
I let my fear and anger out, crying through the hot steamy air the water had left behind. After a while, I tried to calm myself down again. But he didn't do it. I was lucky and did that self defense class. I was lucky and remembered what to do in a situation like this. I was lucky enough, that Charles didn't know these moves and how to get out of them. I was lucky. Thats it. I took a deep breath and turned off the shower, before stepping out and drying myself clean.
In the foggy mirror, I could see my red eyes, but who cares? I just looked high at this point. I put on my underwear and wrapped the towel around my hips, before leaving the bathroom. Nick was anxiously waiting on the edge of his bed, tapping his foot and literally jumping up as he saw me leave the bathroom. I looked away, so he wouldn't see my face, as I walked over to my closet and pulled out some joggers and a shirt, getting dressed.
"Oh my god Jaxson, are you alright? I think I heard you fall or something, I wasn't sure but then I think I heard you say something? I don't know are you ok??" he asked and I put on my cold emotionless mask, forgetting what just happened.
"I'm fine. Just hit the wall" I said toneless.
"You hit the wall? Uhm..ok? But what are you doing here anyway, I thought you would spend the night at Charles" he asked and I took a deep breath, before turning around and facing my best friend, revealing my face. I didn't know if Nick would even catch up on what I meant with this gesture, since he probably never saw me cry, but when his jaw dropped and his eyes filled with worry, I knew he understood.
"What happened?" he asked and I shrugged, looking to the ground.
"I ended it" I simply said and Nick, who was so rooting for the failure of my half ass relationship, looked actually worried and sad, until his face turned into an angry glare. Nick clenched his jaw and balled his fists before saying "What did he do? I will go and beat him up right now! Did he say something dumb? Did he hurt you? Cheat?? Oh if that fucker cheated on my best friend, I'm gonna call Amelie and we will bulldoze his ass I-"
"Why do you treat me like this?" I suddenly asked, cutting Nick off.
"W-What?" he asked, stunned by my remark.
"Why do you always act like this around me? Like I'm the most important thing in your life. Like there is nothing and no one, not even your girlfriend of the week, who stands above me? But then you act like I'm responsible for our kiss...like my sexuality must be at fault, making me feel like shit" I said, tears filling my eyes again.
"I-I- Jaxson-"
"And then you act all jealous because of Charles. There, I said it, jealous. You don't like him, because he could have actually meant something to me. Was it because you are afraid he would fill your position as my best friend or as the person who holds my heart? Do you even realize what kind of confusion you bring me? Ever since that kiss, we haven't been the same, you haven't been the same. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up, but god damn it Nick, you can not stand here and tell me, that there was no reason for that kiss!" I said, my frustration shining through the pain.
"No- But, I-"
"And then I sat there, like an idiot, letting Charles explain you to me. But all I kept thinking was, is it true? And Nick, is it true? That you like me and what troubles you more than me being a guy, is me being your best friend? Is it true, that you couldn't see me with Charles, because he, in contrary to all the guys I banged, could have actually taken me away from you? I don't know what to think anymore. But you standing here, ready to beat up a guy you don't even know for me, doesn't help" I said, a tear rolling down my face. I don't know if I was crying because I was still overwhelmed by everything that happened with Charles or because I really was just about done. This time, Nick just stared at me, his mouth closed and eyes wide.
"Why do you do this to me?! Why do you keep saying those things and doing stuff like this, confusing the shit out of me! Why Nick? Why?" I asked, crying. Nick looked at me, his eyes filled with tears as he seemed almost frustrated. Fine, if he wanted to be angry, that would be ok with me.
But something in his gaze was so intense, it let me stare back. Back at my best friend, who I missed. My best friend, who had kissed me and fucked everything up. My best friend, who was jealous. My Nick.
Nicks eyes said it all and without hesitation, I agreed.
His hand immediately found my cheek and mine went to the back of his neck, as we smashed our lips together, Nick pulling me close, while he moved his warm soft lips against mine. I replied to the kiss eagerly, letting the tingling feeling in my stomach settle in.
And for the first time ever, I wasn't confused. Everything just felt right.
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Ok...please don't hate me for what happened to Jaxson! I hope the end makes up for it ;) Ahhh I was too nervous and excited and just had to post this Chapter today!
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Lots of Love - Hanna