In the morning, I snuck into Itachi's room and left a note reminding him not to act alone on his night stand, and then set off for the gates. I wanted to make good time so I could be back sooner to help Itachi.
I grabbed my kunai pouch and strapped it to my left thigh, and grabbed my backpack from the door of my room. I left a note for Mom and Father, explaining that I'd be gone, and I was off.
"Mika!" I heard an angry voice shout at me as I neared the gates. I stopped and turned around hesitantly. I honestly wasn't in the mood. I already had a lot on my plate. It was Kakashi. Great. So he didn't take it well.
"Yes?" I asked coldly, still angry with him for yesterday.
"Why the hell did you get me removed from ANBU?" He was glaring daggers at me, even raising his headband showing me his sharingan. He was pissed. I've never seen him this angry with anyone we weren't trying to kill, but especially not with me. Its honestly a little scary, but I chose to not let it effect me. In the end, I knew Kakashi would never hurt me.
"Because you're depressed." I glared back. "And I'm worried about you." I said, still coldly. It was true, but I was still so angry with how he's treating everyone, I couldn't bring myself to be soft with him.
"I'm not your responsibility." He replied just as cold as I was. Was he serious?
"Well when you push everyone out of your life, what the hell do you expect Ka-Kakashi?" I yelled, stumbling over his name. I couldn't call him Kashi anymore, and it hurt. I sighed, and closed my eyes tightly before opening them and looking back at his angry ones. "Look, I have a mission. Just know that it wasn't only me that thought of this, and we did it because we care about you. Even when you're acting like an ass." I continued to raise my voice at him. I never stopped glaring at him either. He needed some tough love right now. I turned on my heels to make my way out of the village, but was stopped again by Kakashi grabbing my wrist. I didn't turn around, only listened. I refused to allow him to continue to push me around just because he was sad.
"You may be worried, but you don't need to be. I am fine. I just need space." He still sounded pissed, but he was softening a little bit.
"Space is one thing. Basically telling your best friend to get out of your life is another. Lord Third wouldn't have agreed if he didn't think the same. Let me go." I said firmly. He released my wrist, and I walked away, not turning back to look at him. I would never leave if I did. One thing was for sure, I have a soft spot for Kakashi. Even if I'm angry with him.
After walking for seemingly forever, it was dark outside. I decided to set up camp and get some sleep. I had probably a day and a half more of travel, and I didn't want to overdo it on day one. I set up my fire, and ate some of the rice balls I brought from home for dinner. My thoughts were all over the place. I couldn't stop thinking about Itachi and Danzo. I prayed that Itachi would listen to me and wait to make any kind of decision until after talking with Lord Third. I was also so angry with Danzo for making my brother choose this that I wanted to kill him myself. Who puts this on a teenager?! He doesn't deserve this. Maybe I should have just had an arranged marriage to Shisui and been leader. I could have shouldered this burden for Itachi, and would gladly do so any day. I was selfish to think that Itachi could just make all of my problems go away by being born a boy. Sure, it did for awhile, but look where it's gotten us.
I also couldn't get Kakashi out of my head for several reasons. I wanted more than anything to share this clan issue with him and hear his opinion, but I promised Itachi I wouldn't, and he's not even talking to me, so I can't. I really hope working outside of ANBU helps him come back to himself. I miss my best friend, and we've only been not talking for like a day. But I've seen this coming for awhile. He's slowly pushing everyone away. I knew the day would come that he'd push me away too. I just didn't know it would hurt as much as it does.
And I still hadn't even processed Kurenai's comment about everyone thinking we'd end up together. I honestly had never thought about it. I mean, I guess I get it. And I knew some people thought that. Minato used to tease us all the time when we were on his team. Plus, we've been basically inseparable since we were five. And we've been through so much together. And I mean, I've always known that Kakashi is attractive. Even when we were five, I knew that. But, he's just my best friend. Or was my best friend, rather. Now, who knows what we are.
I guess I can tell myself that all I want, but I've known for awhile. Really, probably since he began to push me away after Minato's death, that I can't live without him. And for some reason, when I think that I should have married Shisui to save Itachi, my thoughts go to Kakashi instead. What would he think? Would he understand why I did it? I don't know if that necessarily means that I like him, but it doesn't not mean that either. I don't know. Right now, it doesn't matter. He needs to figure himself out, and I need to figure my clan out. I can revisit the idea of feelings later, and then promptly do nothing about them if they exist because he's too important to lose, and if I'm honest, marrying Shisui is looking more likely by the minute if I want to help Itachi and save our clan. Feelings for Kakashi aren't an option for me if that happens.
A rustling in the bushes pulled me out of my thoughts. I pulled out a kunai and looked up to a tree branch, and saw a man in a long black cloak with an orange swirly mask covering his face, except for one eye. Okay. He's creepy.
"What do you want?" I said forcefully. I wasn't nervous. I didn't sense anyone else nearby, and I was pretty sure I could take him down if I need to. He said nothing, just looked at me. "Who are you?" I tried again. Instead of responding, he just disappeared into nothingness in the form of a swirl. My eyes widened and I stopped breathing for a minute. I activated my sharingan to check for his presence but saw nothing. He was definitely gone. I let out a sigh of relief, and decided to try to get some sleep.
After another day and a half of travel, I arrived in the Sand Village. I was met at the gate by a messenger for the Kazekage. He took my scroll and looked at the contents before handing me the scroll I was to retrieve from him. I was told not to look at it, so I didn't. I simply thanked the man, and made my way home. I was looking forward to being home and seeing Itachi. I had a lot of time to think about everything, and I had a plan.
We'd talk to Father first, even though he's not as level headed. I'd tell him my decision to marry Shisui and take over for Itachi, making me clan leader, and taking this decision out of Itachi's hands. It wasn't ideal, and I didn't want to, but if I was in charge, I could fix this. I held more respect than Itachi because I was older, and would even more so when married to Shisui, who was also well respected. I could change the minds of those in the clan to see that a coup was not the way to go. I'd tell everyone of my plan to talk to Lord Third, and once implemented, we wouldn't need the coup. Marrying someone I didn't love seemed like a small price to pay to save my family.
Then, I'd talk to Lord Third, and propose a treaty of sorts. The Uchiha would be allowed more freely in the village, without discrimination, and in return, we would be more lenient with allowing our people to be shinobi and ANBU, instead of almost exclusively working for the police force. Because it was me as clan leader, I could more honestly say that this would happen, and I know that Lord Third trusts me enough to allow it. It seemed like a fair trade to me, and would stop the coup, as long as everyone cooperated.
I still hadn't figured out how I was going to manage working with Kakashi, or working with Genin for that matter. I didn't even know if I could as clan leader, but I would try my hardest. I knew what qualities I found most important in a team, and unless Kakashi has changed more dramatically than I thought, he would agree. We would give them the bell test against one of us, and if they could work together, they passed. If not, they were sent back. That's how I wanted to do things anyways, but I didn't know if Kakashi would agree. I didn't even know if we'd be able to work together, much less teach children how to work together. I sighed and ran back to the village as fast as I could. I just wanted to be home and get all of these hard things over with.
I arrived home three days later, after stopping in a town's hot springs to relax a bit on the way home. I had a lot on my mind, and needed to relax. I trusted Itachi enough to not do anything drastic while I was gone, so I figured it was a good break before my whole life changed. I did have a week to complete the mission, and I definitely felt more stressed than usual, so it was a great plan. I was ahead of schedule on travel anyways. The trip was overall uneventful, which was good.
After entering the village in the late morning, I made my way to the Hokage's tower to deliver the scroll I had for him, and on my way noticed that I was getting more weird looks than usual. And not only that, they seemed to be looks of pity. What's going on? Were they being weird because Kakashi and I are fighting? Surely not. I mean, we're not that important. People didn't even know us. I was snapped out of my thoughts when I was basically tackled to the ground by someone with silver hair.
"What the hell Kakashi!" I screamed, remembering to use his whole name. "Get off of me!" I yelled, glaring at him. What's his problem? When I left, he barely wanted to speak to me, and how he won't let me go? What the hell?
"Mika, I'm so sorry! I never should have pushed you away! I'm so sorry!" He whisper yelled into my neck. I finally returned his hug, though I was still throughly confused. What brought this on? Why the change of heart? And why choose to tackle me because he's sorry? That's not like him. What the hell?
"Kakashi, you should take her somewhere else." Kurenai said softly. Now I'm more confused. What's going on? Did something happen, or is he just being weird?
"Will someone please tell me what's going on?" I yelled and pushed Kakashi off of me.
"I'll take the scroll to the Hokage for you. Go with Kakashi." Kurenai said, with tears in her eyes. I froze and looked between both of them. I don't understand. Kurenai looked miserable, and Kakashi had a weird look on his face like he was trying to hide something from me. What's wrong?
"It's okay, the Hokage said it was fine. Come on Mika." Kakashi helped me up, and took the scroll from me and gave it to Kurenai. I really didn't understand what was happening, but I felt weird. They're acting weird.
"Kakashi? What's happening?" I said hesitantly, scared about his attitude. He seemed off. Relieved, yet distraught. I didn't know what to do with this. He didn't answer, he just pulled me with him to his apartment. Maybe he just wants to hang out, and apologize for how he acted? Maybe he realized he was an ass and wants to make up for it with food? Maybe we're gonna talk about how to handle the Genin? He sat me down on the couch, and handed me a letter. I glanced down at it and looked back up at him. I was definitely scared at this point, and even more so, confused. "You're scaring me, you know that, right?" I spoke softly. He winced, and nodded.
"Just read the letter. No one has read it. You don't have to share it if you don't want to, but it's for you." Confused, I looked back at it. It was from Itachi. My whole world stopped and my eyes widened. No. Don't tell me. He didn't. He promised. No, no, no. I felt my breath quicken, hoping I wasn't going to read what I thought I was going to.
I slowly opened the letter and began reading
Mika,
I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. I didn't tell you the whole truth that night. I had already made my decision, and Danzo didn't urge it. I suggested it. I wanted to do it. I killed them all. Our clan deserves what they got. I spared you and Sasuke for one reason only. To test my abilities. To breed hate. Sasuke already hates me, and I'm sure you now do as well. Use that hate. Through hate, you will thrive.
Love,
Itachi.
I couldn't breathe. My hands were shaking in fear. He did it. He fucking did it? I had a plan, damnit!
"Kakashi, please tell me this is a joke. What the hell?" I said, my voice breaking as I spoke. I prayed he was playing with me. Itachi would jump out of a bedroom any minute laughing at me for falling for it. But that wasn't Itachi. Nor was it Kakashi. They wouldn't do that.
"I'm so sorry. It's not a joke." He said slowly. He looked at me like I might fall apart any minute, and I just might. I felt an extreme case of panic set in. The life of death kind. The flight or fight kind. And I couldn't control it. I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't see straight. I needed to run.
"I need to get out of here. I need to find him. Kakashi, where is he?" My blood was boiling at this point. I couldn't feel anything other than panic and extreme anger at my little brother. How the hell did this happen? Did Lord Third send me intentionally to keep me alive?
"We don't know. He got away." He whispered. I started breathing heavily, and tears started to fall from my eyes. I couldn't think of anything other than running. I need to leave.
I got up from the couch, and ran to the door, Kakashi hot on my heels.
"Where are you going? Mika?" He yelled after me, as he chased me. I went to the only place I knew to go. I went home. I kept running until my feet took me to the compound I once called home. What I saw will be etched in my brain forever.
The compound was blocked off with yellow caution tape. There was blood on the walls, and ANBU were inside, probably trying to clean up. I felt like I was going to puke. There was so much blood, and we're not even inside yet. Itachi did this?
"Mika, stop. You don't want to go in there." I heard Kakashi say. I didn't listen though. I made my way through the yellow tape and into my home. I gasped, and put my shaking hand over my mouth, trying to stay standing. There was blood everywhere. Thankfully the bodies were gone, but the blood remained, soaked into the dirt. The ANBU looked at me through their masks and I could tell I was not supposed to be here. I felt anger begin to rise in me, overtaking the panic. How could he do this? The Itachi I knew would never have been able to do this. What the fuck was he thinking? I could have stopped it! But he wanted to? What the hell was the letter? He wanted this? Was everything a lie?
"Ma'am, we need you to leave." The first ANBU I saw said to me. I just looked at him like he was stupid, and kept walking. He did it. He fucking killed them all. Itachi, why? Why did you do this? I had a plan! This didn't have to happen.
I walked to my house, and saw Lord Third inside looking saddened. I just looked in horror at what I imagined was inside. I pushed him aside, ignoring anything he might have said. I didn't hear him. It was like I was in a trance. Nothing outside of myself could be heard. I walked though my house and it felt empty in a way I never knew it could. The once happy memories shadowed with terror. I walked into my parents room, and saw the blood on the floor.
My heart stopped, my breathing quickened, and my blood boiled. He killed our parents! Mom and a Father! He killed them! I fell to my knees and finally started sobbing, not caring who saw me. My whole family is gone. They're gone and they're not coming back! I was vaguely aware that I was screaming, but it didn't sound like me. It sounded like something separate from my body. Like an animal. I was so angry, and sad, and devastated. I wanted to die. I couldn't live if they were all gone.
"Kakashi get her out of here." I heard someone say. I felt him try to pick me up, but I punched him in the chest and kicked him away from me. I wasn't going anywhere. He tried again, but I pulled out a kunai from my pouch and pointed it at him, sharingan activated. He instinctively backed away from me, knowing I'd do something stupid in my current state.
"Leave me alone!" I screamed as loud as I could through sobs and tears. "This is my home! I will not be carried away!" I screamed again. Lord Third nodded and left the room. Kakashi nodded and slid down the wall. I dropped my kunai and dropped back to the floor and continued to sob. Through everything, I had never felt something as painful as this. They were all gone. Everyone. Mom. Father. Itachi. My clan. All that was left was me and Sasuke. I started screaming again, thinking about what Sasuke had to go through. He's 7 for God's sake!
"I'm not gonna take you anywhere until you're ready, but I can't just sit here, Mika." Kakashi said quietly, after who knows how long of him watching me fall apart. He reached for me to pull me to him. I flinched, and he backed away, scared of what I might do. "Are you going to try to kill me again?" He asked, frankly. I just shook my head and tried to breathe. At this rate, I was going to pass out. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe this is a dream. A trick of the mind. I felt Kakashi's strong arms wrap around me and pull me as close as he could to him. I was sideways between his legs, with my legs thrown over one of his, and my torso leaning into him. I just continued to sob into his chest.
"It hurts so much. I don't think I can do this. I should have died. I want to die." I managed to get out between sobs. I didn't care if my words hurt him, I didn't care if he thought I was weak, and I didn't care if he thought I was crazy. I wanted to die at that moment. I hated Itachi for leaving me alive to deal with this mess. I wanted to kill him, just for that. How could I live like this? How can I raise Sasuke? Can I even do it?
"I know, Mika. But you can do this. You have to. Sasuke needs you. He needs someone to guide him. You can't die." I knew he was right, but I couldn't do it. It was too hard. I just shook my head.
"I can't. I can't do it." I sobbed.
"You can. Mika, you have to." He pulled me closer to him, if that was even possible and I just collapsed from exhaustion. I couldn't hold myself even in a sitting position anymore. It's too much.
"Why do you even care. I thought you hated me." I tried to collect myself. I had been wondering why he was being nice to me. We weren't exactly on good terms when I left.
"I thought you died." He said sadly, after a few seconds. I could tell he was crying too, now that I was more calm. It must be hell for him too. He had friends in the clan, and Itachi worked with him in ANBU. And I just said I want to die. "I thought he killed you. And I hated myself for leaving things like they were. I hated the thought that I would never see you again. You were right. About everything. And I'm sorry." I just grabbed onto him tighter, not really knowing what to say. He was forgiven before he even needed to be. Just for being here and making sure I was alive, he was forgiven.
"I don't know if I can do this, Kashi." I whispered after several more minutes of hearing nothing but my tears. The tears were finally drying, and my breaths felt slower. I felt broken, I felt lost, and I felt betrayed. "I can't raise a 7 year old. I can't deal with these feelings. It's too much. It hurts so much more than anything I've ever experienced." I could tell I was shaking. He started to rub my back, trying to soothe me. Usually it would help, but I think I'm beyond help at this point. I was broken and terrified.
"You're not doing this alone, okay? I'm here. I don't know anything about 7 year olds, but I know you, and you're stronger than you think right now. We will get through this, okay?" I just nodded. I didn't believe him, but I wanted to. I wanted to believe that I could do this. "Want to go see Sasuke? He's at the hospital. He's fine physically, but we thought it'd be best if he goes with you instead of alone." I just nodded. How am I going to face him? I couldn't protect him from this horrific event, how was I going to help him heal from it? How was I going to heal from it?
"Where are we living?" I asked in a small voice.
"There's a two bedroom apartment in my complex that the Hokage put you guys in. After I drop you off at the hospital, Guy and I will come and pack yours and Sasuke's stuff and bring it over there okay?" I just nodded. He picked me up off the floor and wrapped an arm around me, leading me from my house to collect my baby brother. What did I do to deserve a friend like him? He's literally picking up the pieces of my life and trying to make them fit again when I didn't even know if they ever could.
That was the moment I accepted it, though I already knew.
I'm in love with Kakashi.