Dear Jack,
I wanted to say so many things to you, but I just couldn't. It seemed like when I needed the words the most I didn't have any so I thought I would write things down. This way I am sure that I can organize my thoughts better. I do understand that you need time, believe me I do, maybe more than I want to. I'm not going to pretend that it didn't hurt when you said that you didn't trust me anymore. It did. I hate that I am the one that caused this situation.
So here are a few things that I have learnt. My mother is trying hard to be a mom and I have to let her, I think it's time that the both of us learnt to let go and grow. I guess we just needed to know that even if we were apart and that things had changed we would always be there because that it what family did.
Erin is crazy and I love her for it. She was the person who pushed me when I needed to be pushed. Who cared about me even when I drove her up a wall and my number one supporter when I wasn't even sure about myself.
And then there's you, you made me feel everything.
There was a time in my life when I just wanted to be numb or when I thought that controlling everything meant I was safe and that I couldn't get hurt. I was wrong. I was hurting, so much that I had grown accustomed to the pain thinking that it was normal.
The first time I saw you I thought you really needed a haircut. You were this person who was so different from me that I thought that I would hate you simply because you were annoying. At every turn when you tried to push you away you stayed. You opened me up to so many things that I am thankful that you were there. You are an amazing person and it scares me just how much I feel for you.
So what I know for sure is that I will always love you and it I hope you know that if you forgive me I'll be here waiting for you. The same way you did while I figured out what I really felt after you kissed me that day in the store. I won't bother you, and even though it'll hurt if you decide that you can't be with me anymore I'll be happy for you because I want you to be happy.
I really do hope that you forgive me. Because as much as being with you scares me, not being with you terrifies me even more.
All my love,
Becca