14 // White Flag
I could say that, based from Pol's coffee terminology assimilation, that I'm more of a Robust coffee bean than an Arabica.
For one, I am cheap and ain't high maintenance. I live by simple means. You give me flour, the next day there's still no bread.
Charot! Pang-tamad pala. Ang wise ko talaga.
Nandito kasi kami ngayon nina Jules at Tita Lar sa atelier to choose dresses. Naiwan ako dito sa lounge area kasi hindi pa rin ako makapili ng dress sa catalogue nila.
Mom would always pick for me, but she's not here. May conference daw sila ni Dad. They're always working around the clock so this isn't new to me. Kaya rin siguro ako hindi nagkaroon ng kapatid kasi wala na silang time iexplore ang reproduction process chenelyn.
Oh well.
"Hoy, Vie, ano na? Wedding dress ba pinipili mo, ha? Napakatagal naman!"
Oh, Jules was back. Isinara ko ang huling catalogue na sinubukan kong pagpiliian.
"'Di ko alam kung ano bagay sa akin, e."
"Kaya nga magsusukat diba?" masungit niyang sabi.
I pouted. "E kasi naman ano," hinila ko siya palapit. "Parang wala yatang maganda here."
Tinampal na naman niya ang braso ko. Meanie talaga! Kawawa naman si Chris dito sa pinsan ko.
She scanned the lounge to see if anyone heard what I said. Eh kasi totoo naman. Or baka nga tama sila, baka wala lang talaga akong taste.
But I'm a robust coffee bean! And that kind of coffee is much bitter in taste.
Sa lasa lang, ha? Taste ang pinaguusapan dito, hindi sa life.
Oh well.
But coffee-wise, robust has more caffeine. So if you're really looking for a kick, go for this one. And contextually, robust people, I can say, is more of the adventurous or the serious type. There's no in between.
Saige is the real Arabica out of all of us. She's smooth and delicate, and has an expensive taste, but without a fail she's kind and sweet.
We're both at each end of the spectrum. Jules and Snooki were running somewhere in the middle. No one could figure out exactly what goes in on that head of theirs.
"I'll just choose for you. You have to wear it because I'm giving you no choice," sabi ni Mother Jules.
I shrugged. "Gee. Why do I have so many mothers?"
"Because you are such a baby. Grow up!"
I feigned a hurt. "That stung, cousin dear. Huhu. Libre mo akong dinner para hindi na mashekit."
"Gaga, ang arte mo! Eto may napili na ako. Doon ka na sa fitting area."
Hinila niya ako nang biglaan. I almost thought my bones got disintegrated.
"Ouchie, my arms! I'm delicate, you know," pa-baby kong sabi. Ngumuso ako. Pero mas lalo lang nainis pinsan ko.
Huhu. Why? Hindi ba ako cute?
"I'm just a ba-Vie," I baby-talked.
Hindi niya ako pinansin. Masyado yata akong cute, hindi na niya kinaya.
Jules just looked at the attendant and asked nicely, "She will have this dress."
"I will have it ready, madame," the lady attendant said. She took the catalogue from Jules and gave it to another lady who looked younger than her.
"Perfect! Thank you."
Mabilis ko iyong sinukat para lang matapos na. Pero in fairness sa pinili ni Jules, it looked beautiful.
Sayang wala akong jowa na malalaglag ang panga kapag nakita akong suot ito. That used to be one of my dream, you know. When I was still hopeless romantic way back.
Sana may gwapong bisita si Lolo Gustin sa birthday celebration niya. Gusto kong makapili ng maraming happy crush. Ngayon kasi isa pa lang. Iyong guy na hindi marunong mag-soccer.
"Vie, hinahanap ka daw ni Jerrick sa café. Kanina pa tanong nang tanong kay Pol kung anong oras ka daw babalik," said Jules while on her phone.
Kakabalik ko lang sa lounge, Tita Lar was at the concierge desk. She must be finalizing some details of our dresses.
"May date ba kayo? Parang hindi mapakali e."
Umismid ako. "'Di ako makikipagdate dun ano! Pero magkikita kami," I said shyly.
Tumigil kaagad si Jules sa pagta-type sa phone at marahas akong hinarap. Like legit na marahas dahil nanlalaki ang mata niya.
"Shit! I'm so happy for you, Vie!" she shrieked.
Nanghina ako. Tinakpan ko bibig niya. Some attendants jolted. Even Tita Lar looked back at us and motioned us to keep it down.
"Hindi nga 'yon date. Ugh!"
"It's a daaate. Ba-Vie's got a daaate," kanta niya.
"Gagi, wala."
She flipped her hair to dismiss what I said. "It's definitely a date for him. Man, how I wished I got him crazy like that."
"May Chris ka na," I reminded her.
"I know. Chill, ang territorial mo naman."
Habang nasa byahe kami pauwi ay parang kinakabahan ako. Dapat naman hindi! Siguro matapang lang iyong coffee sa lounge noong atelier.
My heart won't stop beating like crazy, I had to put my hand over my chest as if it could ease it.
Sometimes I hate coffee just as how much I love it.
Jules pulled the car over in front of Mostaccio and insisted that I get off in here. Makikipagtalo pa sana ako pero alam kong may times na hindi ako nananalo sa kanya, and I'm feeling it today.
To save gas, I got off. Environmentalist na ba ako nito? Yes? I vote yes.
I saw Jerrick saw me. Tumayo siya at tinanguan ako, tapos isinara niya ang laptop niya.
Papasok ba ako sa loob ng Mostaccio? Parang ayoko! Lord, halp.
Sabi ng instinct ko, 'wag akong pumasok. Lalo na noong nakita ko sina Cara na nangingisay na naman sa gilid. Apparently, they saw me, too.
Lumapit si Jerrick kay Pol na nasa counter. I don't know, pero parang ipinatabi niya ang mga gamit niya doon. Tinapik niya ang balikat ni Pol at tsaka lumabas ng café.
Pagkakita niya sa akin, tumalikod ako kaagad.
"Hey, bakit hindi ka pumasok?" he asked.
Tiningnan ko ulit siya tapos naglakad na. Kung gusto namin parehas ng maayos na conversation, dapat e sa lugar na walang nangingisay.
Tahimik lang kaming naglakad. I went to the oval again, sat on the grass with trees above our heads.
"Promise not to judge," was the first thing I said.
"I can't promise," he beamed.
"O edi ayoko na!" Umakto akong papatayo na.
Tumawa siya at pinigilan ako. "Okay. No opinions, no vocal judgment."
"So iju-judge mo pa rin ako sa isip mo?"
"It's a natural thing to do, Vie. Ang choice lang na meron ako ay kung itatago ko sa sarili ko, o sasabihin ko sayo," he said.
I puffed. "Ano ba kasing gusto mong malaman?"
"Finally you asked," huminga siya nang malalim. Parang inaabangan niya talagang alukin ko siya ng ganung tanong. "Let's circle back to our very first notable encounter."
Please let it not be the coffee incident.
Not the coffee incident.
"Bakit mo ako binuhusan ng coffee noon?"
I sighed in defeat. Of course, it has got to be that one.
"Because you ordered a cappuccino in the afternoon," I said.
"Okay?" nagtataka niyang sabi.
"Italians deemed cappuccino to be a strictly morning drink," pagpapatuloy ko.
"Okay," he repeated. "But I'm not Italian, you're not Italian. Vie, you're just stalling me."
Hindi ko napigilang tumawa. Frustrated na kasi siya. I like it when I frustrate him. Makabawi manlang.
"Alam mo naman na kasi diba. Jules told me you broke her heart. Syempre maniniwala ako sa kanya, pinsan ko siya e. Kaya nainis ako sayo."
Bumalik ang maganda niyang mood kaagad.
"Girls..."
"Girl power, you mean."
Tumawa siya. "I know. But for the record, I always looked at Jules only as a friend. Sinabi ko rin sa kanya 'yon. Kaya hindi ko alam na may ganung hinaing pala siya sa akin."
"I admit, medyo dramatic din kasi pinsan ko. But it's over and done with. Nabuhusan na kita ng kape, I don't think I can take it back anymore. Unless isa pa?"
"What?"
"What?" gaya ko sa kanya.
"You're crazy."
"Just an idea lang naman!" I defended. Tinawanan niya ako.
Just as we're talking calmly right now feels unusual. Dapat kasi ngayon, nagbabangayan na kami. Meron pa rin naman, pero hindi na intense.
I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Pero may naiwan pa ring underlying doubts, of course. I still know that he's a real charmer. Dapat alisto pa rin ako.
"Wyatt is your ex?" he asked.
Umiling ako.
"Hindi mo siya naging boyfriend? I thought he was, considering how you flinched at the idea of love."
I laughed harshly.
"Wyatt is a family friend. Kababata namin siya actually, but I only started having crush on him in high school. Alam mo 'yon, nagdalaga na kasi ako so he started to notice me. Tapos ayon, tinutukso tukso na kami sa isa't isa ng mga pinsan ko."
So far I wasn't feeling intense emotion yet. I'm still good.
Nagbubunot lang ako ng damo paunti-unti habang nagkukwento. Jerrick was surprisingly all-ears.
"Dati akala ko mas nauna niya akong nagustuhan kesa ako sa kanya. Kasi diba napansin nga niya ako. At first, it's nothing to me. But then he started giving motives and that's when I welcomed the idea that he really might have feelings for me."
Kinagat ni Jerrick ang labi niya. Tinitigan ko siya para hintayin kung may sasabihin siya.
"I want to say something, but I kinda promised not to."
"Good," tumango ako. "But even if you don't say anything, I'll answer what you wanted to ask. Umasa ako dahil nagpa-asa siya. Legit. For more than three years, pinaniwala niya ako na gusto niya ako. He never exactly put a label on us, but I didn't also. Hindi ko gustong magmukhang desperada. Kaya kinumbinsi ko na lang ang sarili ko na it was better than nothing."
Yes, I settled for less. I told you already, I was cheap. I was that cheap back then.
"Wyatt was my date at my grad ball. He's a year older, so he had to come straight from his Saturday classes at that time. Kilig ako syempre. Kaya akala ko rin noon na tatanungin na niya ako to be his girlfriend. Akala ko kasi hinihintay na lang niya akong makagraduate ng high school."
Being in high school was not too old, but not too young either. But what more if I entered college?
Kaya doon ako kumapit.
"But he didn't ask," kumpirma ni Jerrick.
It's so hard to hear it, coming from other people. Nagmumukha akong kawawa.
"Hindi e," I tried to smile. "I was okay with that, though. Sanay na kasi ako. What's even a label for when you're enjoying both companies? Kaso nagbago siya pagdating ko ng college. He's far from me and was always busy."
Naintindihan ko naman na kailangan niyang mag-aral. I'm studying, too. But I made time.
"I remember a day clearly, when I dragged Jules and Snooki to see him in Uni. Naabutan ko siyang nagaaral kasama si Harriet sa bench inside their university. Silang dalawa lang. She's his friend that he always talked about."
Umiling iling si Jerrick at bahagyang natawa. "She wasn't just a friend."
"I wish I had known that sooner," sabi ko at umirap sa kawalan. I continued, "Anyway, hindi pa man ako nakakalapit noon kay Wyatt, nakita kong humiga si Harriet sa bench, she rested her head on his lap and continued reading her book. What broke me was Wyatt didn't seem to mind, and it felt like that's a normal thing for them to do."
Napalunok ako. I still got this.
"Hindi ko masabing cheating ang nangyari kasi wala kaming label. Pero hindi dahil wala kaming ganoon ay hindi na ako pwedeng masaktan."
Wala namang nakakapagkontrol sa sarili nilang emosyon. So everyday I had to live with whatever feelings my mind decided to conjure.
I noticed Jerrick's hand, nagbubunot na rin siya ng damo. By the time na makaalis kami, siguro kalbo na itong paligid namin.
"Sorry, I'm talking too much," I said.
"Ituloy mo, Viennica. I'm already harnessing strength to beat up someone."
Inirapan ko siya. Parang baliw.
"Hindi ako nagparamdam sa kanya for a month, pero hindi naman siya nakaramdam. I was always stalking online, kasi hindi ako mapakali noon. We weren't talking so I didn't know what was going on in his life. His accounts were empty of updates so I had to go over to Harriet's. I saw that in every photo of her, Wyatt was there."
Fuck. Now I remember the feeling of being betrayed and left out.
Nakakapanlumong makita ang sagot sa tanong mo sa lugar na hindi mo inaasahan.
Sa kanya ko lang naramdaman na hindi mahalaga ang presensya ko. Kasi noong hindi ako nagparamdam, okay lang sa kanya.
He'd just leave one message on random days saying that he understood that I'm busy. He tried to show interest but I knew for sure that he just did that for formality. It seemed forced rather than sincere.
"It felt unfair that I thought of him all the time yet he thought about me only when it's convenient to him, or when I reminded him of my existence," I bravely said even though my voice got brittle.
Mahinang napamura si Jerrick.
It's okay, I guess. I was way past that. Ibang rason kung bakit ako parang napuruhan.
"You have to tell me that you confronted him at least?" May inis sa tono ng pananalita niya.
"Oo naman! I felt low because of him, pero hindi ko naman hinayaang mas bumaon ako, ano," I tried to sound casually. Nagiiba na kasi iyong mood niya.
"O, anong sabi mo sa taong 'yon?"
Napanguso ako, "Sungit naman."
Hindi niya ako pinansin. Okay, ganito pala ang feeling. Joke! Matagal ko nang alam ang ganitong feeling. Kabisadong kabisado ko nga e.
"Una kong tinanong kung may something ba sa kanila ni Harriet. Hindi na ako nagpaligoy-ligoy noon. Isang buwan ba naman akong hindi makatulog—"
"Anong sabi niya?"
Gulat ako sa kanya. Excited ha.
"Wyatt said that there's slightly going on between him and Harriet," I said in a low voice.
I noticed Jerrick's heaving chest. Ibinaling niya ang katawan niya para tumingin sa kabilang parte ng field, iyong taliwas sa direksyon ko.
"Tinanong ko kung bakit ganun. Sabi ko, the last time I checked there was something going on between him and me."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. This part intensely hurt and took a toll on me. I still carry his words even until now. It still echoes that's why my ears still ring.
"He said he had expectations for me to figure out what I wanted to do in life when I reached college. I remember it clearly when he said he couldn't be with someone without a concrete goal. Sabi pa niya na hindi naman niya ako susukuan e, pero not until I have figured out life itself on my own, he's choosing Harriet."
He basically told me that I'm no good for him yet that's why I was demoted to being an option. He tried to make it sound like it was a privilege to be, because he thought I would go gaga if he would at least give me that.
"Tanginang 'yan!"
Mas nagulat ako ngayon. Naparami ang nabunot niyang damo sa lupa. Marahas niya iyong binato sa hangin.
"Chill ka lang, hehe," sabi ko. Talagang sinabi ko iyong tawa kasi nakakagulat iyong emosyon na meron siya ngayon.
"Umasa ka ba ulit?" mariin niyang tanong. "Pagkatapos niyang sabihin iyon?"
Umiling ako nang mabilis. "Hindi na!"
Kung ganoon lang din ay mas mabuting wala na lang. Tanga na lang talaga ang papasok sa ganoong arrangement. Iyon bang kapag may hindi siya nagustuhan sa iyo ay iba ang pipiliin niya. Kapag wala nang mali sayo, tsaka babalik.
"I didn't want to keep on waiting forever for something that's uncertain to arrive. I figured the hard way that I needed to accept only those that will last."