MARCH 1985
I sit staring out the window at the pouring rain. I don't even realize tears are pouring down my face as fast as the rain pours down outside. My life is so messed up. Tears are common pouring down my face. Sometimes I'm aware. Other times someone will ask if I am alright. I just laugh. I am not alright. Maybe I never was. Most likely I never will be. I've accepted this. My family has not. I know that peace awaits me. I've seen it. I just haven't been able to reach it.
SEPTEMBER 1985
I wake to the alarm blaring in my ear. I roll over and whack the shit out of it. I get some satisfaction as it crashes to the floor. "What the heck Destiny," my keeper, also known as my thirteen year old sister says as she sits up in bed. I roll over and ignore her. I must have fallen back to sleep. Next thing I know is Faith is trying to wake me. "Meds and Shower," she says dripping her long golden blond hair all over me. "I'm not showering today," I tell her. She throws her hands on her hips and gives me the look.
I give her a nasty stare. "Shower or back to Meadow Crest," she tells me. I keep the nasty stare on my face, groan and climb out of bed. I make my way to the bathroom. Faith follows me with a bottle of water and my medicine. She watches and checks to be sure I swallow them before leaving me to shower. I wash my hair first and then the rest of me. I try to ignore the ugly scars on my wrist. When I look at them too long, my mind wonders to how I can finish the job. I glance around the shower and see there is no razor. A girl could only hope one day Faith would forget. I leave my under arms and legs unshaven. I'm used to it. I rinse and dry off.
I've been home two weeks. Two weeks of watchful eyes and babysitters. No items left that I can harm myself. I stand in front of the spot where a steamed-up mirror would be if it weren't for my hobby of hurting myself. I pretend to wipe away the steam from a mirror that doesn't exist. I stare at the wall picturing a sad, pathetic girl. Why couldn't I have just finished the job. I didn't want to be here anymore. My time here was over. I certainly did not want to go back to school. I managed to finish eleventh grade while I was at Meadow Crest. If I had tried harder, I could have finished twelfth also. Now I was stuck going back to high school. Maybe I'd get hit by a school bus. I couldn't help but grin at the thought.
A knock at the door brings me back to the present. I open the door and look at Faith, her hair dripping down on the blouse she is wearing. Her life sucks more than mine. Not a hair dryer in the house. No scissors in the house. No matches or lighters. No string or rope. Even the robes are without ties. No more lace shoes allowed in the house. No more eating meat if you need a knife to cut it. She even had to share a room with me and play nurse. I really made my parent's house a lot of fun. I wish I could feel a little guilty, but I can't. I can't seem to feel anything. I guess that is a big part of my problem.
I brush out my long dirty blond hair. I don't even feel the water as it drips down my back. I have on a black AC/DC t-shirt. I'm not sure why I have the shirt or where it came from, but I'm drawn to it. My hands caress the material of the shirt and a memory invades my mind. "Feel Destiny," he whispers to me as he takes my hand and places it on his heart. I can feel his heart beating fast under his shirt. "You do this to me. Only you."
"Mom wants us downstairs," Faith says pulling me out of myself. I blink and wipe at the tear that has fallen from my left eye. Where did it come from, I wonder? I look up to see Faith watching me with concern. I pull out a pair of denim jeans and slip into them. I secure a ponytail holder around my hair and head to the door. "Wait," Faith says. I stand and wait while she runs back to her dresser. She hurries back over and applies some blush to my cheeks. Then she hands me her lips gloss. I look at it and hand it back to her as I shake my head no. Defeated, she tosses it into her small bag.
Mom is waiting in the kitchen. I can see her tense when we walk in. She has a batch of pancakes waiting. I take one and pick at it. I can see my mom watching carefully at how much I'm not eating. I know I'm thin. I'm five foot eight and barely a hundred pounds. I wasn't always this thin. "You need to do better Destiny," she says as I push my plate aside and stand. "The meds make me not hungry," I tell her. I can see her eyes fill with tears and I turn away. I've seen this show way too many times.
My mom will be riding me to school each morning and picking me up after. She had to cut her hours at work to part time in order to do this. When we reach the school, my volunteer babysitter is waiting for me. I'm stunned to see a tall muscular guy with thick curly brown hair. "Who is that," I ask suspiciously. There is no way this guy is a school volunteer. He's way to hot. "I don't know Destiny. The school told me they had someone to help you. I think he's doing intern work as a future guidance counselor or something like that." She's clearly annoyed. I'm not sure if it's with me or just how she is these days.
I turn and give her a nasty look before climbing out. Obviously, Mr. Hotness knows who I am. He smiles and hurries towards me. He's tall. At least six foot. His smile is very charming. I close my eyes as a quick flash of something speeds through my head. I feel a sudden pain in my chest and bend over. I can't catch my breath. I bend over and put my hands on my knees as I try to find some air. I gasp and choke. I begin to shake. I can hear talking but have no idea what is being said. Someone is rubbing my back. Someone is touching me. Panicked I find air and a scream comes from my mouth as I stand. My arms are flailing as if I am falling.
When I finally calm down, I see a crowd has formed around me. Everyone is staring. My mom is standing near me silently crying. "I want to go home," I cry out to my mom. She looks to the guy and he shakes his head no. "Please," I cry. Tears are streaming down my face. I reach up and pet my shirt. "Feel Destiny," the unknown voice in my head says. I close my eyes and I can feel it. He's here with me. I can feel it. I don't know who he is, but I feel him all around me. I count the beats of my heart and feel myself start to calm. I open my eyes and I am alone with the guy who's job is to babysit me. I'm not sure how much time has gone by. Everyone is gone. My mom is gone. I am alone with my school babysitter.
Once I am calm, my babysitter walks inside the school next to me. He motions for me to follow him into the office. He says something to the lady behind the counter and motions for me to keep following him. I notice the scissors sitting on her desk. My hand itches to reach out and grab them. I imagine the relief I would feel as I slice them across my wrist or jam them into my chest. I'm standing there in a daze staring down at them. I feel my arm being grabbed and then I am yanked away. I scowl up at the handsome guy standing in front of me.
He shakes his head at me. I look around and realize I'm in a small office. It's not the guidance counselor's office. I scowl harder. Who is my handsome babysitter? Can my life suck any more than it already does. "I'm Ryan," he tells me. I stare blankly at him. "I'll be meeting you in the morning. I'll take you to the nurse for you medicine. I'll be walking you to classes. I'll be eating lunch with you and taking you out to your mom at the end of the day." I hate him already. "You going to wipe my ass when I take a dump," I say. He grins. What the hell. "If you need my assistance with that Destiny then I am sure your mom will sign off on it." I give him nasty look. Touche. Ryan wins this round.
"Shouldn't I be in class Mr. Ryan," I say glancing around his office. "It's just Ryan," he says as he finds a piece of paper on his desk and stands. "You have English first period," he says as I follow him out the door. We walk down the hall and I notice several girls ogling him. I roll my eyes. I wonder if that's how stupid I looked before I went crazy. I watch Ryan's reaction. He has none. He has managed to completely ignore them. We stop by my locker to collect some books. Ryan had them all gathered and waiting for me. School started two weeks ago for everyone else. I was just getting out of the loony bin during that time. We arrive at my class and he waits to leave until I'm settled.
Stare much I think as every eye in the classroom is stuck on me. Maybe I should take my pencil and poke an eye out or something. I consider it for a minute, but then decide not today. Losing an eye isn't going to help me achieve my end goal. Besides my pencils are dull. I can't even be trusted with a sharp pencil. I know the kids I have class with have all been schooled on what I am not allowed to have. I'm pretty sure I am the school freak. I look around at the kids in class. Some hurry to look away when I make eye contact. Others smirk or discretely flip me off or try to stare me down.
I try to pay attention in my classes but it's hard. The crazies run through my head all day. The meds help some, but not enough. I spend the rest of my morning walking to classes with Ryan and watching a repeat of my first class. Lunch rolls around and I sit with Ryan. I choose not to eat anything and listen to him lecture me about eating healthy and how important it is for both mind and body. Like I give a shit about either. My mind is a blank space and I've tried to hurt my body many of times. I tune him out. I close my eyes and travel to my favorite place.
"Feel Destiny," he says. I can feel his hand on mine. I can feel his heart beating for me. "Always Destiny. Only you," he whispers as his lips touch mine in the softest kiss ever. I'm floating in the rain. The raindrops are falling, and I can feel them landing on my arms. "Destiny. Destiny." Someone is calling me. "Seth," I say as I open my eyes. I blink a few times trying to figure out where I am. I look around. Every eye in the cafeteria is on me. I turn to Ryan. "Come with me," he says. I stand and follow him. It's then I realize I'm crying. I wasn't floating in the rain. It was my tears falling onto my arms.
I sit in Ryan's office staring at him. "Where do you go Destiny," he asks. I stare at him. I can't tell him that I go someplace that gives me a feeling of peace. I don't know exactly where that is or why. I just know I want to stay there. I don't even know how I get there. I don't understand it. I feel so good when I'm there. It's only when I come back that I want to hurt myself. I look around for anything I can use to hurt myself. I frown. Unless I can figure out a way to staple myself to death it's not going happen in this office. Ryan keeps me there for another twenty minutes before taking me to get my meds and then walking me to my next class.
I stand in the bathroom alone. Ryan is outside the door waiting for me. No one is allowed in when I am in the bathroom. There is nothing in there that I can hurt myself with except the mirror. I tried unsuccessfully to do that already. I look down at the scars on my wrist's compliments of our bathroom mirror. I know don't have time to break the mirror and hurt myself with Ryan outside, so I just stand there and wait. I don't know what I am waiting for. I count. I pick at my nails while I count. There isn't anything left to them. I once had long beautiful nails. Now they are a mess just like the rest of me. I shake my head at the girl in the mirror. I have no idea who the hell she is.
Ryan knocks on the door. "Times up Destiny." I sigh and join him in the hall. He doesn't say anything as we walk to my locker. I dig out my books for the next couple classes and close my locker. I follow Ryan to my next class. He waits for me to take a seat before leaving. I can't help but wonder what he did wrong to get this job. I would think there is some type of human relations violation here. I doubt when he accepted this job, he had any idea I would come along.
At the end of the school day, Ryan hands me off to my mom and probably did a happy dance after we drove off. I wonder if he will hand in his resignation. "How was school," my mom asks. Really? What is wrong with her. "It was great mom. I made a lot of friends and they can't wait to come sit at my safe house," I say happily. She doesn't respond. We drive home in silence. I hurry to my bedroom and crawl into bed. I sleep until dinner.