13 // Caffee Sospeso
Finals week is judgment week. Iyakan all-night. Pa-bonggahan ng eyebags. Questioning life choices. Isip fall-back career. Aaaaaand the legendary question,
"Nag-aral ka?"
Which, most often than not, is answered with,
"Hindi!"
Kahit,
"Wehhh? Nag-aral ka naman talaga, e?"
"Nagtanong ka pa!" Inirapan ni Lesly si Cara. Sila kasi ang magkapareho ng program.
But really, I totally get it why it's easier to say you didn't study rather than really telling the truth that you actually did.
Maybe we're all afraid of the pressure of having to pass, if not getting a high grade, that they automatically put on our shoulders when we say we did study. They will have expectations.
And if we failed or got it low, they'll give us the impression that our knowledge just wasn't good enough. Because if we truly did study, then what happened?
So I understand why it's always easier to say no. They couldn't build expectations from that.
But meh, I was told that I was smart so I'll tell them yes.
I'm manning the cash register for today. Pol was out studying kaya iba ang barista namin ngayon. So far, ang madalas mag-apply ng part-time job dito ay mga freshies. Iyong iba naman ay nag-aapply lang kapag malapit nang mag-summer, because the ticket going home to their provinces is expensive so they just stay in Manila to earn a buck instead.
"I love finals week," I said randomly.
Cara and Les both looked at me at the same time as if I said something weird.
"Vie, ang bastos ng bibig ha. Oo na! Hindi ka nga namin katulad na kahit hindi seryosohin ang pagreview ay mataas pa rin ang grades."
Tumawa ako. "Bakit ka bitter?"
Biglaan siyang suminghap. Kinagat niya labi niya at sinamaan ako ng tingin. Ready na yata siyang makipagsuntukan.
Tinuro ako ni Cara pero mas natawa lang ako.
"And they say that one can't have it all, huh?" I said smugly.
Lumambot na ang mukha ni Cara at siya naman ang tumawa. "Duh, true pa rin 'yon kahit sayo. Wala ka pa kayang lovelife!"
Umirap ako. Hinawi ko na siya sa gilid. May oorder na, e! Eepal epal pa. Nagttrabaho ako dito.
"Hi, welcome to Mostaccio. Anything I can get you, sir?" monotono kong tanong nang makita kung sino ang customer.
"A smile from Viennica, please? Hot," sabi niya nang nakangisi.
"Har, har. Funny. Ano?"
"Your story. You still haven't told me that yet. I'm not letting you go."
Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata. "What?"
"Kinilig ka kaagad. Patapusin mo muna ako," humalakhak siya. "I won't let you out of leash if you don't tell me."
Ayoko talagang ikwento sa kanya 'yon because number 1, I still didn't trust him. Malay ko ba kung legit power-tripper lang talaga siya kaya hindi niya ako tinatantanan. Number 2, I didn't want to remember it.
"Okay, clarify ko lang ha? Hindi mo ako hawak!" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "But what's in it for me if I tell you?"
"Nothing. You lost over me, Vie, why do you think you deserve a prize?" he faked a confused look.
Ugh! Nakakabwisit.
"Fine! But in one condition."
Naghagikhikan sina Les at Cara na nasa barstool sa gilid ng counter.
"Jowain mo muna daw siya," sabi ni Cara.
I gave them a talk-to-the-hand... hand. Wait, what? Basta I gave them that.
"Una pa lang kitang nakita, alam ko nang susundin ko lahat ng gusto mo. So shoot, Viennica," nakangisi na naman niyang sabi, as if he was undoubtedly ready for anything.
Bumilis ang paghinga ko. Ah, ganon ha!
"Huy ka, magkakatotoo na yata kay Vie iyong one can have it all," sabi ni Les kay Cara.
"Ih! Okay lang. Hayaan mo siya!" kinikilig na sabi ni Cara habang nararamdaman kong pinapanood lang talaga nila kami.
Nag-isip ako nang sobrang lalim! Pero wala akong maisip na iiyakan niya. Ang hirap naman kasing maging mabait, hays.
"I can wait here all day, sunshine," he followed up.
"Okay! Okay. Eto na nga e," umirap ako. Inayos ko buhok ko. "Just buy ten suspended coffees."
"What?" nagtataka niyang tanong.
Omg! Was he broke? Mukhang mapapaiyak ko pala ang wallet niya.
"Narinig mo, sampu ha. Ano, kaya ba?" mayabang kong hamon.
Iyong mukha niya ay nagtataka talaga. Pinipigilan kong tumawa. This is so fun!
"I'm just surprised it's that it," he shrugged. Natigilan ako. Tapos inilabas na niya ang wallet niya. "Make it twenty special suspended coffees. 'Cause I could go miles and miles and further, so go easy belittling your sunshine."
"Ay may order pa pala ako, isang Jerrick din," kinikilig na namang biro ni Cara.
"Gaga ka," siniko siya ni Les, "Akala ko ba si Kurt bet mo?"
"Ano ka ba, pwede namang marami."
Tinawanan sila ni Jerrick habang ako ay shookt pa rin. Even if my family has money, I still wouldn't spend it like this.
Although I just said that to spite him, tinanggap ko na lang din. Kita rin ito ng Mostaccio ano! Tsaka marami-rami na rin naman siyang nalibre dito.
"That'll be six thousand, sir," I said. He easily handed me the cash.
He ordered his own coffee after I punched the solidarity coffee. Pinilas ko ang resibo para magkahiwa-hiwalay ang bawat order. I placed them in the Caffee Sospeso basket receipts.
I'm proud that Café Mostaccio supports coffee solidarity. I'm sure that a lot of people weren't aware of suspended coffee.
Suspended coffee is the coffee you buy for anyone else who needs it. In layman's term, you pay for other's coffee in advance, but you won't know who they are and they won't know about you.
Parang nanlibre ka lang ng hindi mo kakilala. Simple as that, yet the impact is significant. I remember hearing a story that in Naples, during peak poverty in the thirties or forties, people swarmed in bars asking for suspended coffees. I hope they got it though.
Maraming dahilan ang pwedeng makapagpasaya sa isang tao. But I know for sure that coffee could give you something beyond happiness.
While it's initially meant for the needy, since Mostaccio is inside the university premise, our own definition of needy was the students who couldn't slip coffee in their budget.
Sure, may 3-in-1 naman. But they deserve this every once in a while, lalo kapag exams week.
"Parang namumula si Vie," I heard Les said to Cara quietly.
"Kapag ako na-reincarnate as Viennica sa next life ko, susunggaban ko na kaagad si Jerrick. Walang arte arte, kahit paasahin niya ako, keri. At least nakaramdam ako ng kilig. Diba? Gets mo?"
"Hindi, pero ge support kita," sabi na lang ni Les.
Nandito pa rin si Jerrick sa tapat ko. Ramdam kong feel na feel na naman niya ang sinasabi ng mga kaibigan ko. Lalo na noong nagsalita siya.
"Sana gano'n ka rin sa akin," tumawa pa siya.
"Asa. Tsaka tabi ka nga, baka may umorder!"
Umiling iling lang siya. Wala, enjoy pa rin sya. Nakakainis.
"Mababaliw ka rin sa akin, Viennica," he softly warned, almost as sweet.
First defense ko usually ay mainis. Pero iba na ako ngayon. Kaya ako naman ang ngumisi.
"Really? Ikaw nga ngayon pa lang baliw na baliw na sa akin," I said with a hairflip.
Nangisay ang mga kaibigan ko dahil doon. Muntik pang mahulog sa upuan si Lesly kasi inaalog siya ni Cara.
Nginisian ni Jerrick ang kapeng inabot ko sa kanya. I sarcastically smiled before shooing him away... nicely.
Pumasok sa counter si Cara para maging clingy sa akin. May kakaibang ngiti siya na dapat ko nang ikatakot.
"Uy, Vie, paano ka ba nagdadasal sa gabi? Ang hashtag blessed mo kasi."
Tumunog ang chime at pumasok si Pol. I'm saved.
Cara pouted. "Hmp! Alis na nga ako dito. Papagalitan na naman ako ni Pol."
I finished my shift at five in the afternoon. It was time to study na rin. I'm graduating college, finally. Kinda excited, but mostly kinda scared.
I'm scared of not knowing what to do in life. Growing up kasi my goal was just to finish studying, and that's it. That's the common goal for everyone, it's the norm. So I couldn't say for sure that it's my dream.
I didn't know my dream.
Maybe I'm a hopeless case.
Dinala ko ang tablet ko sa oval. I sat in my usual spot. Walang naglalaro ngayon sa gitna, nor running for exercise. What I'm seeing were students studying on the grass. Some in group, some were all alone just like me.
As time passed by, the sky gave me the color of sunset. After I took a picture for instagram, I thought, hey why not do photography?
Pero naisip ko rin na hobby ko lang naman siya. I like the aesthetic, but I know wouldn't bother with the technicalities. I just like fun stuff, same way why I didn't like Math.
But I liked solving equations for Saige and Snooki back in high school, because in exchange they treat me food whenever I wanted.
"Vie, graduating na rin pala si Jerrick. Magsasabay kayo sa PICC," said Jules.
"Really? Do you think I should drop one course so that we won't be?" tanong ko.
Hinampas niya ang braso ko. Mabilis kong binawi ito para haplusin.
"You're mean!"
"And you're stupid. Sinong matinong gagawa noon para lang makaiwas sa crush niya?"
Tinuro ko sarili ko, absentmindedly.
Nilapit niya sa akin ang mukha niya. Tapos ngiting ngiting sinabi, "So you finally confess? Jerrick is your crush?"
"Huh?" nagtataka kong sabi. Tapos bigla siyang nawalan ng gana. Ah, the power I hold.
Iniwan na ako ni Jules sa kwarto ko dahil magaaral na rin siya. I'm already done, just trying to chill then sleep.
Funny how one action could possibly change your life forever. Kung hindi ko siguro binuhusan ng kape si Jerrick, hindi ganito ang buhay ko. So now that I think about it, I'm responsible for all this. Kahit ayokong paniwalaan, ako ang nanggulo sa buhay niya.
Ginugulo na rin naman niya ang buhay ko! So quits lang. Maybe I'll just say sorry to him for the coffee incident. That was really rude of me, pero kasi tsaka na!
Nakakainis kasi siya. Feeling naman niya kinikilig ako sa kanya kahit hindi. Feeling gwapo kahit ano... oo gwapo nga pero saksakan naman ng kulit.
Para makatulog, kinuha ko ulit si Eerie Constantin. My trusty idol.
I never wanted to wake up dead.
I would rather have my eyes closed
than have it wide open with my dreams turned as drab as I never thought it could be.
You wake up dead with everything in sepia.
Not black and white,
but sepia
and grunge.
His words really mirrored my life, huh. I hate you Eerie. Bakit ba ako nakaka-relate sayo.
I knew a hundred percent sure that I was already over Wyatt. But I couldn't seemed to forget how he made me feel, both happy, sad, and furious.
Yes, furious. I got mad at myself for feeling inadequate, na dapat hindi. Dapat minamahal ang sarili. If there's anyone a person should give their unconditional love to, it's is always rightful to give it to oneself.
Convinced naman na ako ngayon na mahal ko ang sarili ko. Because I am happier now. I don't force myself to things that I don't wanna do, or what other people thinks I have to do. Like finding out my dream.
And hindi nila alam, success is actually measured by how happy and contented you are. And that's that. Periodt!
So maybe I'll tell Jerrick. I have to see if remembering it will hurt as much as feeling it firsthand.
Nakakastress naman kasing magmahal!
Kaya dapat #NeverAgain. Joke!
***
Henlo! If you're reading, if you have time please leave a comment? 🤗 It inspires me more to write. Thank you for reading x