Chapter 50 - My Only Friend
I hefted the last box of clothes into the back of the Jeep just as Kristy came out of the house. She was holding a box in front of her. It had a picture of a little coffee maker on it. She presented it to me.
"A gift," she stated with a proud smile.
"For me?"
"Yep!"
"Aww, thank you! My very first coffee pot. Now I'm a real adult."
"The only one we had to send with you was an ancient eight cup beast, so I made dad take me to get you a new one. Sorry I didn't wrap it. I didn't know you were leaving today until I heard you saying goodbye to mom and dad this morning. I thought you were leaving tomorrow."
"Yeah, I didn't want to do the prolonged, teary farewell, so I decided to leave on a workday. Besides, that'll give me a long weekend to get settled."
Kristy's eyes focussed downward for a moment, and I realized I was doing it again. For two weeks I had been checking my phone constantly. I shoved it back into my pocket.
"Are you sure they aren't waiting for you to call them? Maybe you should."
I shrugged. "And say what? They were both so bitch...ticked off at me. I figure they need to be the ones to call me when they get over it, or forgive me, or whatever."
"Are you ever going to tell me what happened?"
I put the coffee pot in the back of the Jeep, closed it, and rested on the bumper. "Promise to keep it between us?"
"Of course." She leaned back against the Jeep next to me.
I took a deep breath. "I got a little too drunk, and I tried to kiss Kala."
Her eyes and mouth shot wide open and she stood up straight. "Seriously? What happened?"
"Nothing happened. Well, not nothing. She blew me off, let me know she wasn't interested, and then the next morning she and Tara decided I was public enemy number one for some reason."
Kristy's eyes narrowed and she cocked her head. "That doesn't sound like either of them. I mean, we all thought Kala...you know, liked you, and since when does Tara get mad at someone for getting drunk and wanting to make out? That's hypocritical."
"Yeah, well, recent experiences have made Tara reevaluate how wise it is to get drunk and fool around." Kristy raised a curious eyebrow. I shook my head. "Sorry. Not my secret to tell. As for Kala...for a minute I let myself think you guys were right and that she might actually be into me."
When my eyes came back up from my phone, I saw the pitying look on Kristy's face. I didn't even remember taking it out. I sighed at myself and shoved it back into my pocket. "Turns out I was right all along. In fact, the next morning they made sure I knew Kala was going to start dating someone."
"Did you...I mean, do you like Kala? Did you want it to be something more?"
I shrugged. "I was still really depressed about Kelly, and I was drunk." She looked me in the eyes for a second. We both knew I hadn't actually answered her question.
"Stay for lunch?"
"I kind of want to get going. I'm anxious to get the show on the road, you know?"
She stepped forward and gave me a hug. "Well, take care of yourself in Madison. Don't do something stupid just because your friends are being little bitches."
I kept my arms draped around her skinny shoulders, but readjusted so that my forehead was on hers. "Of course not. No more stupid things for me. Thank you for the coffee pot."
"I love you Ani."
"I love you, too, Kristy."
"Call me when you get there?"
"Yes, mom." She poked me hard in the ribs.
"I'm going to miss you." She sounded like she was going to cry.
"I'm going to miss you, too, Dingbat." Seeing her get misty was making me emotional. We spent several minutes just hugging each other, then I gave her a little kiss on the forehead. "You and the girls take care of each other, okay? I love all you guys."
"They're going to be pissed you didn't say goodbye to them."
"I'll be back for Thanksgiving. We'll all get together. I promise."
After one last hug, I got into the Jeep and put my phone on the seat next to me, checking it one last time, I waved to Kristy, cranked the radio, and drove away.
* * *
I thought getting settled in the dorms a day early would give me time to meet people. I was wrong. For one thing, I was in a small, single room, so I didn't have a roommate. For another thing, nearly all the students moving in over the next few days had family helping them, and I'm far too introverted to approach someone I don't know and insert myself into their family moment. Moms and dads getting misty eyed, new students trying to look like they aren't phased by anything, families arguing about where to go out to eat and making last minute shopping lists since the cafeterias weren't fully functional yet... Nope, I wasn't social enough to get in the middle of that.
Even after families left it didn't get much easier. Living in a town and going to school with people you've known your whole life doesn't prepare you with the social skills needed to meet all new people in an all new situation. I thought back to the first party I went to at Kala's Uncles' house. After Tara left me, I had wandered around not talking to anyone until Kala cornered me. Even then I tried to excuse myself from talking to the intimidatingly beautiful girl who had started a conversation with me as soon as we ran out of easy things to talk about.
So, aside from the dorm staff and a few suspiciously friendly guys that approached me, I had somehow managed to avoid making any new acquaintances. I read a lot, decorated my room, practiced my bass, wandered around campus, and checked my phone about nine thousand times to see if Tara or Kala had reached out to me or if Tara had posted anything new on her favorite social media sites.
On Sunday afternoon, boredom got the better of me, and I decided to go for a drive somewhere. It shouldn't have surprised me that after a tour of the city and a long walk in a local park, I found myself in front of Kala's apartment building.
I parked in the visitor spots and tried to remember which window was hers. I thought about last spring, sitting up there with Kala when I came down for the weekend. She had cautioned me that I would have so much fun at college, going home to see Kelly would seem like a burden. So far, that was a horribly inaccurate statement. Right about now, I would love to be able to drive a few hours and fall into the arms of a girl who loved me so much that neither one of us could ever feel truly alone, not as long as we were in each other's lives. I hadn't said more than a few sentences to anyone in the last two days, and certainly not to anyone who would have cared if I had disappeared altogether as soon as our interaction was done.
It had only been two days, and already the thought of being in Madison without my two best friends was making me want to cry. I used to laugh at the thought of getting homesick. There was a time that I couldn't wait to get out of Preston and start feeling like I was actually living my life. Now, I just missed the comfort of having people who loved me physically close to me. I understood why the kids that didn't go to college always ended up staying in town, despite all their talk of moving somewhere else after graduation.
Angel: Just go up there and knock on her door.
Devil: Are you kidding? Remember how she made us feel just two short weeks ago?
Angel: Yes, confused. She went from happy to angry, then she almost seemed sad that we were leaving. Something is up, but we won't know what until we talk to her.
Devil: Both Kala and Tara were perfectly capable of calling us at any time in the last two weeks, but they chose not to.
Angel: Okay. You're right. I guess we'll just go back to a tiny room we don't feel at home in, surrounded by strange voices, and stare at the ceiling for a while. Another two days alone with our thoughts is just what we need right now.
"Fine," I growled.
Being a young, harmless-looking girl, I didn't have to convince the older gentleman exiting the building to let me in without buzzing anyone. He actually held the door for me.
While I was walking up to her apartment, I tried to think of what I would say to her. The elephant in the room was why she and Tara were so mad at me in the first place. I was afraid I would repeat whatever sin I had committed if we just 'got over it' and moved on. Should I not pursue Kala at all? Should I be honest about my feelings for her so that we could establish some boundaries as friends? How did I feel, exactly?
I got to her door and stood looking at it. I almost talked myself into believing that knocking would be a bad idea. After all, Tara and Kala were angry with me. I should let them decide when to reestablish communication. Right?
...Right?
Only the thought of going back and spending the rest of the afternoon and night alone in my dorm gave me the courage to raise my hand and tap my knuckles against the white surface.
At first, I thought maybe she wasn't home, or maybe I didn't knock loudly enough. Was that disappointment or relief I felt? When the door finally opened, I thought I had the wrong apartment.
"Hi, can I help you?"
It was a man who greeted me, probably in his mid twenties and quite tall. The smell of cooking wafted out into the hall, and soft music was playing in the background. He had a towel in his hands.
"I'm sorry. I must have the wrong apartment." I pointed down the hall for some reason, like I was showing him which way I was going to leave.
As I took a step back, he said, "Are you looking for Kala?" He gave me a big, professionally whitened smile as he flipped the towel over his broad shoulder, letting it hang there. Before I could scream "No!" and make a run for it, he opened the door a little wider.
"If so, you have the right place. K's right here." He motioned with his head, making his hair, styled with wet-look product, wiggle slightly, and held out a large hand. I saw the familiar furniture and string lights that decorated Kala's apartment. "I'm Damion." I reflexively took his offered hand, getting a whiff of onion and cologne.
Kala stepped into view with a wine glass in her hands. In a split second her mouth went from a big, curious, welcoming smile to hanging slack. Her eyebrows pushed upwards.
"Ani? What are you doing here?" Not exactly the welcome I was looking for. I think she could tell, because she immediately followed it with, "I mean, I wasn't expecting to see you so soon." Her eyes went to Damion, then back to me.
She wasn't planning on talking to me yet. I had forced contact too early.
"I was just...I came down early. I've been here for, um, since Friday. I'm sorry, I should have called first. I didn't mean to interrupt your...date." I almost choked on the word. My face felt hot and I was slightly nauseous.
"Nonsense," Damion beamed. "It's always nice to meet a friend of K's! Besides, the real date doesn't start until later." He didn't say it in a creepy way. He sounded...playful. I looked up at him, feeling a little dizzy.
Kala quickly elaborated. "We have tickets for a concert at the piano bar downtown." That explained why Damion was in gray dress pants and a black dress shirt. His sleeves were rolled up, showing off his forearm muscles.
"If you guys have some catching up to do, why not stay for dinner...Amy, was it? We have plenty, and I don't mind sharing Kala." He opened the door a little wider and gestured at the table, which was set for two. "Come on in. What can I get you to drink?" He reminded me a little of Trevor. He had suggested a course of action, and unless someone stopped him, he would make it happen.
Kala was glancing back and forth between us. "Um, y-yeah. Stay for a while. I've missed you. Have you talked to Tara yet?"
I was horrified to find myself moving farther into the room at Damion's prompting and to hear the door shutting behind me.
"No, I just...uh, I was out driving and decided to see if you were around. Really, I don't want to impose."
"Not at all," Damion said, already placing another plate and set of silverware on the table. "I hope you like stir-fry."
"Oh, Ani's vegan." Kala informed him.
Damion paused and considered me suspiciously. "Oh, one of those, eh?" He followed it with a friendly smile. "That's okay. That's the great thing about stir-fry. Give me just two minutes and I can have a veg-head meal ready!" He walked back behind the counter that separated the little kitchen area, washed his hands in an excessively thorough manner, and started grabbing ingredients which were laid out neatly in separate bowls like on a cooking show.
In a time period that was apparently long gone, Kala would have been giving me a smothering hug after being separated from me for two weeks. Today, she stood in the middle of the room, moving like she didn't know what to do with her arms. She kept shifting her weight from foot to foot, moved her free hand between her waist and her wine glass, and watched Damion work in the kitchen area. She raised her glass to her mouth once, but lowered it again without actually taking a sip.
When she looked like she finally thought of something to do, she turned and grabbed a bottle of wine. As she did, I saw her black dress was completely backless, going down low enough that it made me wonder why I didn't see the top of her panties. When she moved to pour some wine into the empty glass at the setting Damion had just put on the table, I held up my hand in the universal 'no thank you' motion to stop her. She looked like she wasn't sure what to do, but after some hesitation, placed the wine bottle back on the counter.
"So, uh, I know Damion from the hospital-"
"I remember," I cut her off. Damion smirked at that, turning his head away from his work to look at Kala, but she wasn't looking at him. She was looking at me. I sat down at the table since standing seemed awkward, and Kala sat down opposite me. Her side of the table had two plates.
"Right. Okay, so...Damion had an extra ticket for a little concert tonight, and didn't want it to go to waste, so he asked me if I wanted to go with him. Then, we were talking about cooking and I told him what a terrible cook I am. You know that." She smiled and gave a timid little laugh. I wanted to be polite and smile back, but I don't think I did. "Anyway, he said he'd show me how to make a simple stir-fry."
"All lies and subterfuge of course," Damion said proudly over the sudden sound of vegetables sizzling. "It took me quite a while to find a date K would agree to. Talk about hard to get!" He shot her yet another big smile over his shoulder while he tossed food around in a wok. "I mean the tickets, of course."
I heard my voice as if I were listening to someone else speak. "It looks like all your effort paid off." My eyes were on Kala's chest. Her dress had a plain circular collar, but a large, tear-drop shaped opening in the front showed quite a bit of skin. She lost her smile and looked away while crossing her arms in front of herself. I was laughably underdressed compared to them, wearing jeans and a t-shirt with my high school logo on it.
Nothing was said for a few beats, so Damion jumped in. "Do you girls know each other from school?"
"No." I didn't elaborate.
Kala came to his rescue. "Sorry, I completely forgot introductions. I know Ani from living in Preston. She just graduated last fall. She was valedictorian! She's going to college here in Madison now." She gave me the first honest smile of the night. "Ani was my only friend in town."
"Only friend."
The words repeated themselves, mockingly, in my devil's voice.
"Ani was my only friend in town."
Of course.
A year's worth of memories rippled, then fell back into place with a slightly different perspective.
When Kristy was six and I was eight, we had a babysitter named Sarah. She was very nice, and we absolutely loved her. She played games and watched cartoons with us, made special snacks, and indulged us in just about any childish whim we had. She shared little, innocent details of her love life, like what her boyfriend was wearing to Homecoming or what movie they saw together the weekend before. She was one of those babysitters that made us not mind being left at home while our parents went out.
One day I was up late enough to see my parents get back. My dad gave Sarah some money, and I heard him ask how "the girls" were. She sounded like she was giving a report. Our behavior was good. There was some fighting around bath time because we were both a little over-tired, but nothing serious. I hadn't finished my dinner, but she didn't make a big deal out of it because I didn't want dessert, either. We had both brushed our teeth.
I felt betrayed. No, I felt stupid. I realized that Sarah wasn't our friend. I was disappointed in myself for believing a beautiful, smart, sixteen year old girl could really find me interesting enough to be my friend.
"Ani was my only friend in town."
I wasn't special. I wasn't Kala's preferred company. I was her only company. When we hung out, I took her to play laser tag with high school sophomores. I took her to a movie with muppets. We talked about my first kiss, and I cried over my first break-up. I was just a little high school girl who thought Taylor Swift lyrics held wisdom and believed school dances were incredibly important social events. I gushed over being excited to be a freshman in college, and on weekends I was far more likely to be playing board games and baking cookies than going out. No wonder she didn't see me as a sexual being or find me attractive as a love interest. To her, I was just a little girl.
Now here I was, intruding on Kala's real world...a world where she had options. A world where she was on a dinner date with a tall, handsome doctor. They would be going to a concert at a fancy bar I probably wasn't old enough to be in, looking like a sophisticated, mature couple. Would they dance? Did people dance at a piano bar? Would he have his hands on the exposed skin of her back? Later, would he find out what kind of panties a girl would have to wear with that kind of dress so that they didn't show?
I fought the sick feeling in my stomach as I took shallow breaths. Damion sat a glass of ice water in front of me next to an empty coffee cup. He had been talking for a while now, but I only caught something about Kala's 'sophomoric' taste in lighting and a brief exposition on whether tea was traditional with stir-fry or not. I forced the corners of my mouth out and up, and nodded.
"So anyway, I had to get another doctor to cover for me tonight. I finally got K to agree to go out with me, and I wasn't about to let the opportunity pass. You wouldn't believe the favors I owe! It's not hard to get time off if you're just a CNA," he motioned to Kala, "but doctors, especially those of us that are specialists, practically have to promise our firstborn, depending on the shift. So, what are you going to be studying in school, Amy?"
I rankled at hearing the word "just" applied to Kala. I wanted to hiss, "Kala isn't 'just' anything, and she's certainly too good for you!" Of course, I didn't. Instead, as a plate of steaming vegetables was placed in front of me, I stood up.
"I'm sorry. I'm not feeling very well. I need to go." Kala stood quickly and followed me to the door.
"Ani, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. I just need to not be here. Sorry for bothering you." I spoke softly, hoping somehow that Damion couldn't hear me even though he was only ten feet away. I couldn't make eye contact with Kala. As I looked at the floor, trying to control my emotions, she kept dipping her head, attempting to meet my gaze.
"Ani, seriously, if you need to talk, I'll cancel my...going out tonight."
Behind me, the sounds of food prep stopped abruptly. Embarrassment, longing, guilt, and jealousy all overlapped to create a tinge of anger.
"I don't need you to take care of me, K." I hit the 'K' with a little acid. "Go have fun." I stepped around her and left without acknowledging Damion, cursing myself for such a childish maneuver, but unwilling to correct it.
Before I even got out of the parking lot, my phone was buzzing. Tara's name showed on the screen. Great, so Kala pawned taking care of me off on Tara. I wondered what Kala's text to Tara said. Maybe, "Ani's acting weird again. Can you see what's wrong this time? I'm busy." I denied the call and turned off my phone. I didn't need to be taken care of, and I certainly didn't need friends that got mad at me for having feelings.
* * *
I managed to not cry on my way back to my dorm. The only thing going through my brain was my inner voice chiding me for being such an emotional little child. I don't believe I consciously planned it, but somehow I knew as I stomped up the steps to my dorm room that I would throw some clothes in a duffel bag and head home. I could see my family for Labor Day, then drive back tomorrow night.
I heard someone running up the stairs behind me as I climbed to my fourth floor room, so I moved to the side of the stairwell to let them pass. To my surprise, and slight discomfort, it was a guy who fell into step beside me.
"Hey! Just the person I was hoping to run into!"
My discomfort wasn't of the stranger-danger variety. He was skinny, and he looked preppy with a sweater vest, untucked shirt, and khakis. I had a good inch or two on him in height. He looked more like a high school kid than a college student. Rather, I felt uncomfortable because he obviously wanted to talk, and I didn't want any social interaction at the moment.
"I'm gay," I said as I kept my pace.
"What? Oh! Yeah, I know." That got my attention. I stopped abruptly and faced him.
"How?"
"I saw you checking out Mercedes when she was moving in."
"Mercedes?"
"White skirt with big yellow flowers."
"Oh yeah." I remembered her very well. I continued up the stairs. "I'll have to learn discretion. So, what did you want, then?"
He was puffing a little from the exertion of the stairs. "Well, I saw you carrying what looked like a bass guitar case up to your room the other day. You play?"
"No. I carry it up stairs for exercise."
"You're a surly one, aren't you?" He had a smile in his voice, but also a little judgement.
I stopped again and took a deep breath. He paused beside me, and I took a minute to really look at him. Sandy hair, bright brown eyes, round glasses, and no hope of facial hair any time soon all conspired to make him look like the kind of kid who always remembered his grandmother's birthday.
"I'm sorry. It's been a really hard couple of weeks for me. I'm not usually a complete snit, honest. Yes, I play bass guitar." I held out my hand. "I'm Analee, by the way."
"My name's Theodore," he said brightly, taking my hand.
"Of course it is," I thought. "What can I do for you, Theodore?"
"Well, my friend Max and I both play guitar. We've been doing acoustic numbers together since high school. We were wondering, since we're neighbors and all, if you'd jam with us sometime and see how a bass changes our sound. What do you say?"
"Um, sure. Sounds like fun. I have to warn you, thanks to my old band, my repertoire consists entirely of stuff you'd hear on a Spotify playlist called Hard Rockin' Eighties."
He laughed. "We'll make it work." As we started back up the stairs, he added, "I'm going to have to keep my inhaler handy if I'm going to keep up with you on these steps."
I snorted and shook my head, smiling honestly for the first time in a while.
* * *
"You sounded great!" Max, said. He was basically another Theodore, but slightly shorter and with a vaguely latino complexion.
Together, they were quite a pair, and had obviously spent so much time around each other that they were honorary brothers. I chuckled quietly when I overheard a hushed conversation about whether Theodore knew for sure that I was gay, and if Max would stand a chance with "a girl like her even if she was straight."
"You guys are the ones that sounded great. I just plunked along with the root note of each chord. I'm afraid I'm not on your level."
"You've got good timing, though," Theodore said. "If you can jump into a song for the first time ever and make it sound better instead of worse, that's saying something. It'll only get smoother."
"Yeah, you sounded great!" Max repeated. Theodore shot him a "be cool" look for the hundredth time.
We were sitting in their shared dorm room playing through some of the songs on their playlist. They picked songs that were popular enough for me to recognize so that I could follow along more easily. They wrote out the chord progressions, and I did what I could.
"Do you sing, too?" Theodore asked.
"A little. I used to muddle through a few old rock songs with a lot of coaching from my band mates."
"Do you want to try a couple songs? We play some things where a girl's voice would be better. Besides, some love songs sound awkward if you have to change the pronouns so you aren't a guy singing to a guy."
I felt all sorts of weird about that comment. Not least of all because I was cringing inwardly at the thought of singing a love song about a guy.
"I could try a couple songs, I guess."
That's when I heard a familiar voice from the hallway.
"You couldn't miss her. She's my height, gorgeous, long blonde hair. I know she lives somewhere in this building."
"Sorry," a sleepy guy said. "I just moved in today. If I see her, I'll tell her you're looking for her, okay?"
I tried to think of an excuse why Theodore and Max should ignore a knock on their door, but I was too late. There was a rap on it, and Tara's voice boomed in. "Hey, I'm looking for someone. Help a girl out."
Max was already within arms reach of the door, but he stood up, composed himself, then answered it.
"Hello, what can I do for..." his voice dropped to a dreamy, cartoon-worthy sigh, "...you?"
Tara was wearing tight, low rise jogging pants and a cropped, form-fitting t-shirt that showed off a belly ring she must have gotten since I last saw her. A tight jacket was unzipped and open far enough that it was easy to tell she hadn't bothered putting a bra on. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and she was wearing her glasses. She must have considered coming to see me an emergency, because Tara was firmly in the camp that agreed jogging pants and glasses were never to be worn outside of the house. Even dressed down as Tara was, Max didn't stand a chance of forming complete sentences. Heck, it took me a moment to make it all the way up to her eyes.
"Analee Meghan, there you are! How dare you turn off your phone on me?"
I rolled my eyes. "Not now, Tara. I'm trying to make some new friends. I've been experiencing a dearth lately."
"Cut the shit and get out here!" There was no playfulness in her voice. It didn't even sound like anger, really. I heard pain.
Max slowly flattened himself against the wall, trying to clear a path between us as if he expected her to charge. Honestly, I think I did, too. I slowly lifted the strap of my bass over my head and handed it to Theodore.
"Mind if I come back for this later?"
"Yeah, sure. No problem."
I followed Tara into the hall. When I got closer to her, I could see her eyes were red, and all of the vibrant, cocky boldness I usually associated with her was missing.
"Your room?" She asked it quietly. I led her down the hall to my little single and opened the door for her.