Each morning, Alan, Destroyer of Worlds woke at his celestial alarm and fumbled his way out of bed, the weight of his own divine indifference toppling him backwards, where he rested a while before nailing it at the second attempt. Bathrobe on, he began the religious shuffle to the bathroom, a path so well-floated it was a wonder it hadn't started to form its own gravity. He passed the mirror without so much as a glance - he never looked at himself that early in the day, why would you? The heavenly spirit is such a fragile thing, at least give yourself a fighting chance of making it past breakfast.
The morning waft continued past the celestial gateway of the celestial abode, in the finest neighbourhood of the most heavenly realm of his parents house, stifling any form of divine or independent thought, which was a good thing - he wasn't ready for that either, not yet, not on this of all days.
He wafted back against the infinite space of the kitchen counter and waited for the kettle to boil. If Alan was being honest with himself, he was depressed. He honestly believed he'd cracked it this time - in the two thousand or so Earth years he'd been looking after that account, it was the closest he got to any form of meaningful worship and they ruined it for him.
He heard the familiar movement of mysterious ways from the celestial hallway and the door to the bathroom click.
Today was the day of his work tribunal, the day his superiors would pass judgement upon him and no doubt send him packing. In all likelihood, this would be the very last day he could ever call himself a God. At least he prevented those idiot humans from wiping themselves out and turning this into a criminal case. It would be a little difficult to find new employment with 'Corporate Terrorism' on his CV.
Perhaps, deep down, there was some small relief in all of this: to finally be free of those humans and the heavy shackles of his parent's expectations - the weight of which had been slowly crushing him for eons. For as long as he could remember he wanted to be a God, at least he thought he did, but the monotheistic game just wasn't for him - no matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard he studied, those Earthlings still found a way of blowing themselves up in his face. So, the prospect of doing it all over again filled him with a nameless dread, a cold sweeping tide pulling him under - he simply didn't have the strength left to keep his head above water. Infinity was too short a time to waste on Earthlings.
As tough as it would be, his parents would finally have to face up to the truth: that he wasn't like them and would never follow in their footsteps. He'd be free to be Alan, destroyer of worlds - whoever that was.
'Son, good you are awake and ready to battle once more,'boomed his father. 'We will destroy their pathetic tribunal and reinstate you to your rightful position of Junior Account Manager.'
'Morning Odin,' said Alan, depressed.
'Please Son, call me the All Father.'
'Sorry All Father.'
'I'm glad I caught you. Mother and I, well, we've been talking, we know this last little set back has hit you pretty hard, but we all make mistakes, even I: marrying Freya so young, well it took your Mother to help me realise that, and we're all glad she did, otherwise we wouldn't have our little Soldier of War here today.' Odin ruffled the top of Alan's cumulus wisps.
Alan withered, wishing the heavens would open and he could disseminate into another realm - for the only thing worse than his Father's pity, was his kindness.
'All I'm saying is we believe in you. This tribunal is a sham - your Mother and I built that place up from the ground and we won't rest until you reach your potential, it's an outrage those idiots haven't recognised your talents and accepted that being a god is in your physical matter. Don't you worry, Son, I will be there by your side today and by Thor's hammer you will keep your job.'
'No! panicked Alan. 'I mean... this is a battle I must fight alone, All Father. You know? I must, um... write my own story, just like you and mum did.' His mouth smiled as his eyes screamed in panic watching Odin process this news. The last thing he needed was his dad intervening again. This was his chance to break free from their shadow, feel the warmth of freedom on his face, something he could never explain, nor they understand, but once it was done - once he was officially fired they would have to accept it, they would have to accept he would never be like them and then, only then would he be free.
'HA!' boomed Odin, shaking the heavens. 'A chip off the old block, good lad. Then get your coat! I will drive you there in style and let them weep in fear of the Son of Odin.'
The long drive to the office hollowed Alans core, listening to Odin regale him with tales of his time as a deity: jeopardies overcome, successes revelled in, debauched Christmas parties before political correctness went mad and HR intervened - but Alan's mind was elsewhere - he was gazing into a terrifying unknown, searching for that fragile shaft of hopeful light trapped deep beyond the sullen skies of this tribunal.
'Are you ready?'
'Hmm?' replied Alan, breaking out of his daze.
'We're here. Are you ready my son?'
'Of course,' said Alan, firmly. 'But All Father... If the worst is to happen today, I want you to know, I'll be okay. Who knows, maybe it would even be for the best?'
'Nonsense,' he roared. 'You are a God, like your Father and Mother before you. Now go claim your destiny while I find an acceptable spot for parking. Bloody double yellow lines.'
Alan got out of the All Father's time machine and looked up at his building which stared back at him in contempt. In all his years there he never warmed to the place; never felt at home - always a round God in a square black hole.
He was met at reception by Osiris - solemn and dignified in perpetual motion. 'Welcome back Alan,' he hissed, sincerely. 'We appreciate your promptness in this matter and the work you did to prevent the human's extinction.'
'I honestly never thought they would take things that far,' replied Alan, absently.
'You are not the first God to give humans more credit than they deserve, and I dare say you will be the last.'
'This won't last long will it?' said Alan, nervously calculating the time it would take Odin to park, multiplied against the likelihood of him actually staying away from the tribunal.
'That will depend on you, Alan. If you wish to contest the findings you will be given ample time to state your case, however, should you accept, with good grace, the ruling of this tribunal, then you shall find it most swift indeed.'
'Good,' said Alan, entering the lift to the top floor for what he hoped would be the last time.
By the time they reached their destination the circus had already begun. Every ex employee who ever made a name for themselves was there - it was like a who's who of corporate deities, all gathered to witness the demise of Odin's son.
He met each one of their self-satisfied stares in turn. For all the disappointment he felt in failure; for all the shame he felt in disenchanting his loving parents, all of it paled into insignificance against the relief he would feel to once and for all be done with this corporation.
A fervent hush gripped the conference room as he entered. Brahma winked smugly through his glassless framed spectacles and shuffled his notes before taking his place as chief prosecutor of the ensuing Kangaroo Court.
'Such a tool,' whispered Alan under his breath, taking his place behind a small desk in the centre of the room.
'Is this tribunal going to tolerate that level of disrespect from a subordinate?' protested Brahma, celestially offended.
'Do sit down,' ordered Poseidon, wearily. 'If you will wear those ridiculous garments, sooner or later you will be called a "tool". Now, let's get started shall we? Lots to get through.' Poseidon banged his trident hard against the desk to silence a ripple of laughter gathering momentum from the room. 'This tribunal has been called to establish the culpability of Alan in the recent Worship Ratio spike that led to a significant 2% decrease in the company's share price. Brahma - state your case.'
'Thank you Poseidon,' said Brahma, still bristling as he removed all three sets of empty spectacles. 'What we're dealing with here is a calculated plot to cripple this company. A plot that has seen the Andromeda galaxy in worship blackout for the remainder of the century; a plot that could have forced us to shut down the entire system and sent the multiverse into total standstill - effectively crippling this company. A plot that would have succeeded were it not for the quick thinking of me and my department. The accused..' he said, pointing directly at Alan for dramatic effect, '... failed repeatedly at starting a religion in his own name, and so, as he neared the end of his fifteenth Earth life cycle, instead of following procedure, he maliciously reacted to being taken off field duty by creating a hidden Worship Ratio account and maliciously showed himself to the humans while they were in transit.'
A ripple of incredulous disappointment from Alan's peers, sent Brahma in for the kill.
'There he whipped them into a primitive blood frenzy for his own perverted pleasure until he unleashed them upon each other and bathed in the total destruction of their worship. Were this any other account or a more competent Junior Account Manager, this prestigious natural energy company would have had to shut down the grid - Our customers within the multiverse would have ground to a halt and the share price would have dropped to a historical low. But don't let this detract from the seriousness of his crime - were it not for my quick reactions, our share price could have plummeted to four, maybe four and a half percent.'
Alan could hear the whirring of mental maths from the shareholding members of the room before a cacophony of outrage threatened to derail the proceedings altogether. Alan allowed himself the faintest of smiles as the baying crowd willed all manner of ill fortune and rare tropical diseases upon him and his unborn children - his fate was sealed.
'ENOUGH! called Poseidon, crashing his trident against his desk. 'Get a hold of yourselves. I think we've heard more than enough from you, Brahma,' he said, ushering him away. 'Osiris. You have been Alan's line manager for the duration of his time here, what do you say to the serious allegations cast upon him?'
Osiris floated elegantly towards the centre of the conference room. 'It is true, Alan has caused this most unfortunate of situations, but I do not subscribe to the depiction of a malicious God bent on revenge as painted by my esteemed colleague, as Alan immediately averted the extinction of their species when he found out, to maintain our tenure of the Earth account. I have known Alan for many years and wish to state, on the record, that his spirit is pure. Lesser employees would have quit after the fifth, sixth failure, but Alan persevered relentlessly for now fifteen of Earth's life cycles. His attempts have broken a multitude of rules, caused endless chaos and a spiraling death toll, yet his ingenuity and creativity in his attempts never failed to impress me - If he could simply grasp the subtlety of the divine he would surely become a God to rival his prestigious parents. Alas, in the case of which he is here to answer, I fear, he alone is accountable.'
'Very well. Alan, you may now have the floor to state your case before we pass judgement.'
Alan scanned the crowd for Odin... Nothing. Not a cloaked old man or Raven in sight, he was in the clear! All praise the insufficient public parking space within this business district. A wave of euphoric calm washed over him as the end hovered tantalizingly in sight.
'Thank you Poseidon and thank you Osiris, I know I couldn't have been the easiest of employees to work with but you never gave up on me and that has meant a lot. That is why I won't be offering a defence of my actions...'
'Because I will be.'
A gasp sucked what little oxygen particles were bouncing around the conference room as all deities became transfixed on the Goddess standing at its doors.
'Aphrodite,' gawped Poseidon, as an inane grin fell across his face. 'We weren't expecting you, we would have had a place of honour set for you had we known.'
'You know I don't like to make a fuss, Possy. I just wanted to exercise my right as majority shareholder to speak at my son's tribunal.'
'Hello Mum,' sighed Alan, as the fragile embers of his escape were extinguished under the perfect feet of the Goddess of love, beauty and eternal youth.
'I have to say, I'm surprised at this hearing,' she began, slinking across the room. 'Only a few short eons ago at the last Company AGM did we discuss the need for more creativity and ingenuity within this company. Now here we see an employee who consistently looks for new and different ways to succeed, but instead of encouragement, you put him on trial and chastise him in front of his peers?'
Aphrodite's allure was such that the deities in the room were unable to hold onto her words, only the desperate feeling they had let her down and the increasing anxiety to shift blame and make amends.
'You ask for subtlety from this employee, yet he generated the highest Worship Ratio in this company's history without leaving his desk, saved the Earth account, and is now willing to martyr himself without as much as a single word in his defence. I ask you, what is more divine than that?'
Her words popped and disappeared in Poseidon's ears, leaving him incapable of formulating any rational defence in his anguish to please. 'Of course, I was just about to say this is preposterous. Brahma, you have wasted everyone's time here today. Alan, you have shown infinite grace here today and we welcome you back with open arms. Case dismissed.'
Alan stared at the floor in defeat as his Aphrodite sauntered past him.
'See you at home, kiddo.'
Osiris floated up to Alan in silence, transfixed on her form as she left the room until finally her spell was broken.
'Back to work, Alan,' he hissed, 'an Earthling has escaped its paradise.'
'Oh,' said Alan.
'The human mind is fragile and has been protected in Paradise for too long a time. Should it find a way of drawing others out of containment the resulting existential crisis could wipe out the rest of the species. The human must be eliminated without delay.'
'With pleasure,' replied Alan.