TW: mentions of suicide
♤
IT TOOK me around an hour to figure out how to drive Danny's car. I cursed myself for never learning before and relying on the Shelbys to drive me around. I had to stop every fifteen minutes to ask passersby for directions back to Small Heath, as I had never been in Solihull before. They gave me weird looks when they saw how bruised and bloody my face was, and some even refused to speak to me, but a quick flash of Danny's gun and they were keen to help me out.
Over an hour later, I finally recognised the streets I was driving down as I arrived on Watery Lane. Parking the car and taking a breath, I stepped out, ignoring the looks the neighbours were giving me as I made my way to the Shelby residence.
The front door was unlocked, and I heard voices inside as I walked to the meeting room. When I opened the door, John was the first to look at me. "Lex," He breathed out, standing up from his seat at the table as his eyebrows furrowed. I wanted him to hold me, but I knew he couldn't. I noticed that everyone was present, even Cara.
Even Salvatore.
I took out Danny's gun and held it up to him, my finger hovering over the trigger as I spoke. "He was working with Cruz, Tommy." I said, my hands shaking as I aimed at his head. "That's how they knew about the racetrack. That's what he came here for."
Everyone's eyes were wide as they stared at me, as they had most likely assumed I was dead by now. My appearance was ghastly, too, as I had no time to clean myself up. Wearing nothing but a coat and some trousers, with a mixture of the Cruz brothers' and my blood coating my face and hair, and a swollen eye I could barely see out of. I must have looked like a crazy person.
"Alex," Tommy said, standing up and holding out his hand. "Put the gun down."
"I told them everything, Ally," Salvatore said calmly, confusing me. "I told them the truth."
Slowly lowering the gun, I let out a shaky breath. "And which truth was that?"
He looked down, faking a look of concern. "They know about your mother, Ally. They know it was you who killed her."
I brought the gun back up and aimed it at his smug face, narrowing my eyes as I shouted, "If you say I killed her one more time I'll put a fuckin' hole in your head!"
"Alex, put the fuckin' gun down," Tommy ordered, his eyes glaring at me.
I frowned, confused as to why he was being so calm when learning about Salvatore's betrayal. "Tommy, he was working for Cruz. He- he came to the house. Him and Lorenzo," I explained, slowly putting my gun down nonetheless. "You can't trust him- he only came to Small Heath to kill me."
"You're right," Salvatore said, nodding slowly. "At first, I was angry enough to kill you. But now, I just pity you. You're deranged, Alexandra. You always have been. You convinced yourself that you were innocent in your mother's death, and then you came here and lied to all these people, tricking them into trusting you. You need help."
"Go fuck yourself!" I yelled, looking around at everyone. Polly, Ada, Finn and Arthur were averting my eyes, while John's were on me. He had a solemn look on his face, while his wife gave me a fearful stare. I shook my head with disbelief at their silence. "Do you all fuckin' believe him?"
"Once I saw you, I knew I couldn't kill my own child," Salvatore put so much fake emotion into words that even I almost believed him. "Not even after what you did to your mother."
My eyes moved to Tommy, who was intently staring at me. I felt sick to my stomach as my eyebrows furrowed. "Tommy... Do you believe him?"
"I knew I couldn't kill you, but that doesn't mean I can bare to look at you," Salvatore said, his eyes trained on me. "I told Tommy that if he wants to carry on selling my cocaine, then he has to get rid of you."
I scoffed, shaking my head at his words. "This is crazy. Tommy?"
Tommy's face was blank as he looked at me. "I'm sorry, Alex. You're too much of a wild card; I can never predict your next move. Salvatore's right."
"No," I shook my head quickly, horrored that he could even consider taking Salvatore's side. "I can change. He betrayed you, Tom, he's a liar!"
"You're not a Peaky Blinder anymore," Tommy uttered, making me gasp slightly. I felt as though time had slowed as I looked around the room, gauging the others' reactions. It broke my heart when nobody spoke.
"No... You can't do that, Tommy, not after all these years," I said, my heartbeat quickening. I looked to John, my eyes wide. "John?"
He said nothing as he stared at the ground, and I almost screamed.
"We took a vote and it was unanimous," Tommy stated bluntly. "I'm sorry, Alex."
"Where's Gerald?" I asked, knowing that he was the one person who I may have been able to trust to have my back.
"He's at the docks, sorting out some deliveries," Tommy answered. "He's aware of the situation. He agrees with me."
Everything I thought to be true was crashing down around me. The people I saw as family were throwing me out. The sadness I felt slowly translated to anger, at the fact that after everything I had done for them, they were so quick to turn on me just for some money. Then that sheer anger silenced as it was too painful to process, and I felt my mind numb.
Salvatore patted Tommy's shoulder before leaving the room, a smug look on his face.
"Alright," I said, surprising even myself with how calm I sounded. Taking out the red-handled knife Tommy gave me, I placed it on the table and watched his eyes flicker down to it. "Fat load of good that did me. It didn't even scare away those boys from school. They had bigger ones."
John frowned at my words while Tommy's face remained blank.
I let out a dry laugh before continuing. "I didn't tell you 'cause I didn't want to ruin the Gypsy magic you believed in. And I knew you wouldn't let me go back to school if I told you what they did to me. So I just put it back into your wardrobe, and hoped you wouldn't ask why. And you didn't."
"Alex..." Tommy mumbled, his voice quiet.
Without saying another word, I turned and left the room, rushing out of the cursed house.
I got back into Danny's car and hurriedly drove to my flat, almost running over three people on the way.
As I entered my flat, I took some deep breaths, forcing my tears to remain at bay. I didn't want to grant Tommy Shelby the satisfaction of having finally made me cry.
I felt numb as I collapsed onto a chair at the kitchen table. Having escaped Danny's torture chamber, I thought I had escaped Hell. But Hell was waiting for me at home.
None of them stood up for me. Not one of them even said a word to me, besides Tommy. I thought I was coming home to safety and trust, but all I got was heartbreak.
What I had said to Danny was true: I had nothing to live for. So what was the point of living? Ever since I was born, all I knew was pain. And I had finally had enough.
My hand slowly moved into my coat pocket and I took out the gun. I didn't feel any fear as I raised it to my temple, but instead a calmness.
Salvatore had won.
Did I even try to win?
I cocked the gun and took a deep breath, prepared for it to be my last. I closed my eyes and thought of John. It was almost enough for me to put the gun down.
But then I thought of being reunited with my mother. She had been waiting for me to join her for 13 years; how could I make her wait any longer?
The sunshine poured in through the window, almost making it hard to see anything.
Without any hesitation, I pulled the trigger and braced for death. But it never came.
My eyes slowly opened. I brought the gun down and opened the cylinder to find that it was empty.
I could only laugh.
♡
TWO DAYS later, once most of the bruises on my face had faded and the swelling on my eye had largely gone down, I made my way to the Cut. I paid one of the kids in my building to send a message to Anselmo, telling him to meet me there.
"Oh my God, Ally, I thought you were dead," He said before pulling me in for a tight hug. I hugged him back, pulling away for a few moments.
"I thought I was, too."
We leaned on the wall overlooking the canal. He cupped my face with his hand, his eyes filled with concern. "I can't believe what they did to you. I'm so sorry I-"
"It wasn't your fault, Ansel," I insisted, taking his hand in mine. "It doesn't matter anymore. Let's talk about the future."
"The future?"
I nodded, looking over at the muddy water I had spent my whole life looking at. "Australia. Let's go."
"Really?" He asked, a smile growing on his face. "What changed your mind?"
"There's nothing left for me here," I replied with a shrug. "It'll be a new start. For both of us."
Anselmo didn't reply straight away, his hand slowly unlinking from mine. "Oh."
"What's wrong, Ansel?" I tilted my head as he faced away from me.
"You want to leave because there's nothing here for you. Is that why you left us before?" He turned back to me, shaking his head. "I knew you forgot about me. Just like my mama did."
"Of course I didn't."
"I saw you kissing John at the racetrack," He said, his voice filled with venom. "I know you still love him."
"It isn't like that," I said, my voice shaking. "Please, let's leave this place. You said it yourself; we both deserve better."
"No, Ally, you were right," Anselmo took a step away from me as he spoke. "You're just as bad as this life, now. You're... broken. When we came to Small Heath, I didn't believe Salvatore. I didn't think my Ally was capable of murder." Tears filled his eyes, his breath shaky. "I didn't believe you killed your mother... Until I watched you kill Francesca Rossi with your bare hands. That's when I knew you were capable of anything."
"You think I killed my own mum?" I asked, my hand on my chest. "Ansel, you knew how Salvatore would treat us. You know how much he hurt her, and me-"
"My Ally died that night with her mother," Ansel stated, her voice wavering. "She's dead. I knew that before when Salvatore told me what you did, but I still gave you a chance."
His words made me frown. If he had believed Salvatore before, why did ever reveal himself to me? "What changed your mind? That day in the garden on Evita's birthday, when you told me you remembered me? You believed I killed my mother even then?"
Anselmo let out a laugh, the smirk on his face making me want to vomit. "You really thought I would want to go whisk you away to Australia? After all the deaths you caused, all the evil inside you?"
"Then why did you-"
"Salvatore thought it would be easier to get rid of you if you told the Shelbys that you were leaving," He explained, causing a pit of dread to grow in my stomach. "I was supposed to convince you to come with me, then kill you and dump your body once you said your goodbyes."
My breath hitched in my throat. This whole time, I had thought that Anselmo was still the innocent boy I had left behind. I shook my head, refusing to believe his words. "No. You wouldn't have killed me; you couldn't."
He chuckled, his eyes narrow. "Maybe not. In fact, I was thinking of taking you to Australia for real just a few moments ago." The smile on his lips dropped as his tone became menacing. "Then you revealed your true colours. You never cared about me; you only wanted to leave for your own selfish reasons."
I reached for his hand, "Ansel-"
He stepped back and pulled out a gun, holding it up to my head. I gasped, suddenly terrified at the idea of death. While mere days earlier, the prospect of dying seemed to be the best option, I no longer felt that way. I didn't want to see my mum so soon; I hadn't lived a life that would have made her proud yet.
"Ansel, please," I said, breathing heavily. "You don't have to do this."
"Don't worry; you won't be alone in Hell," He said, confusing me. "By the end of the week, you'll all be dead."
"What are you talking about?" I was almost scared to hear the answer.
"Salvatore is going to hold a party on Friday," Anselmo explained, his eyes wide and wild. "There, he will kill Tommy Shelby, and the rest of your precious family. The Peaky Blinders will finally get the reckoning they deserve."
I quickly pushed his gun-holding hand, twisting my body so that my back was against his front. "Let go, Ansel. This isn't you."
"You don't even know me," He spat against my neck, our arms entangled as we fought over the gun. A bullet shot out and hit the ground, as we continued pulling at each other.
"Let go!" I yelled, elbowing his rib.
We each had our hands on the gun as we both pulled, and before I knew it, it had been thrown across into the canal. I watched as the water rippled before looking back to Anselmo, both our eyes wide as our chests rose and fell in a synonymous beat. He suddenly rushed over to me but I kicked him in his groin before he could grab me, causing him to fall to his knees.
"I didn't want to do this, Ansel," I said with a wavering voice, shaking my head. "Not to you."
He pulled out a knife, but before he could stab me with it I kicked it out of his hands and placed my own around his neck, pushing him backwards onto the ground. His face reddened and his eyes bulged, and it took everything I had not to let go. My breathing was choppy as I squeezed his throat tighter. "You deserve more than this life, Ansel. You always did."
After some excruciatingly long minutes passed and he stopped moving, I let go of his neck and pulled back, scrambling to get away.
The sun began to set and his face became harder to see. Knowing how he preferred the sunrise, it was only right for me to stay there with him til the morning. His paled skin still managed to glow with that caramel tone I had always loved as a child, his beauty somehow shining even through death.
"Look, Ansel, it's your favourite view," I breathed out as the sun finally appeared again, my hands gripping his cold ones. "The sun's rising."
♧