Chapter 49 - Dating Advice
I woke up alone in Kala's bed. Her windows had been open all night, and a cool but comfortable breeze blew in. The sunlight promised a beautiful morning outside, even though it hurt my eyes to open them for too long. The fresh, cool smell of the lake with just a hint of fish was inviting me to enjoy the water. I lifted my head off the pillow, then put it right back down.
"So, this is what a hangover feels like," I thought.
In all honesty, it wasn't that bad. My stomach was a little sour, and I had a dull headache, but nothing like what I imagined it would have been if Tara hadn't cut us off and started forcing us to drink water.
I gave myself a minute to replay everything that happened last night as I let my head settle back down. I noticed two pills and a glass of water on the table next to the bed, along with a delicate pink daylily in a small vase that hadn't been there before. There was a note that said, "Good morning, Beautiful! Breakfast on the deck when you're ready." It was in Kala's austere, practical handwriting.
I swallowed the pills and sipped on the water as I digested what had happened. I had an uncomfortable epiphany. Last night I acknowledged that I had feelings for Kala. As long as Kelly was around, I had buried them. I never would have admitted to myself that I could have feelings for anyone but my girlfriend. That's not how True Love was supposed to work. I was faithful to Kelly in both mind and body. My heart was on a very short leash.
The more I came to terms with Kelly leaving, though, the more I saw the past year in a different light. I had noticed Kala's nearly mythological beauty a long time ago, of course. In that, and in almost every other way, she was my superior. Her confidence was far greater than mine, making her the life of any party she was at. She was bold in her sexuality. Whether she chose to be intimate with someone or chose to abstain from sex, it was purposeful...well, minus the Tara incident. She was educated, smart, driven. She wielded authority easily when coaching, but had a sensitive side that could comfort a friend.
I slowly sat up and leaned back against the headboard to encourage the fog in my head to clear a little. Love...friendships...they had been so simple when Kelly was my girlfriend. Everything was different now that I was single. I still ached for Kelly, but as my grieving process progressed, I had been letting forbidden thoughts about Kala surface. I even imagined that perhaps, just maybe, Kala had feelings for me, too.
I couldn't understand why she would. I was sort of pretty, I guess, but I didn't have much in the way of a notable body or remarkable face. I got good grades, but I wasn't a stand out intellectual. I was fit, but not an athlete. In short, I was an average person who worked really hard to be somewhat above average. But Kelly? Kala? They were legends among women. Kelly had admired me because I was older, I was out of the closet, and (compared to her) confident. She gave me a chance, and we fell in love.
Kala was a different story. There was nothing about me to attract a woman like her. Sure, we had become friends, but I didn't dare believe she could be interested in me for a more intimate relationship. Yet, every now and then, there were hints of something more. A comment, a suggestion, a lingering touch...
Last night I had been shown just how deluded I was. Kala was clear when she refused to kiss me. She wanted love, she said. If she and I were to do something, it would only be sexual to her. She wanted something special. Not what she felt for me. Sure, she had a fling with Tara, but I guess I just wasn't tempting enough.
So, what's a girl to do? Where should I go from here? I was embarrassed that I had been turned down by Kala, and part of me wanted to tell myself that I didn't really want her anyway. It wasn't true, though. Sure, I wasn't ready for another full blown relationship, but going on a date with Kala would have been nice, we didn't have to have sex. We could have taken it slow and seen if there was something there. Kala had shot that down without hesitation. She didn't return those feelings.
That left me with few options. First, I could keep mourning over my ex girlfriend and being an emotional wreck. That didn't seem like a healthy choice.
Secondly, I could try to woo Kala. I would have to be subtle, and give her lots of space. I could just keep reminding her that I was here and hope that eventually she saw me in a different way. I might even have to stand by and watch her date someone else at some point. That seemed like a recipe to potentially ruin a friendship. Besides, it was hardly my definition of a grand, romantic love story.
Lastly, I could just keep moving and see what new possibilities college would bring. Maybe I would find a love story there. At the very least, I might learn how to date outside of high school.
My water was gone, so I sat the empty glass back on the table. My head was feeling better, so I got up and walked to the window. The back deck was hidden from this view, but I could see the lake glittering invitingly in the mid morning sun. The smell of lilacs came in with the breeze, and I luxuriated in the sensations of sunlight on my face, a floral scent in my nose, and a cool breeze on my skin.
Then, I had a nasty thought. I imagined Kala and Tara sitting on the deck having breakfast, enjoying the morning, and discussing how a drunken Analee tried to put the moves on her older, and far prettier, friend. Were they laughing about it? Feeling sorry for me? The more I thought about it, the less I liked the possibilities.
I grabbed my swimsuit and a pair of shorts and went into the bathroom to take a shower. The water ran over me as I imagined what kind of conversation my friends were having. I started to really wish I had never tried to kiss Kala. What had I been thinking? I didn't want to face them, but since I hadn't driven myself here, I didn't have a choice. Besides, running from my actions would be childish.
I towelled off, applied a little more ointment to my tattoo, and got dressed. Looking in the mirror, I was reminded how the one-piece suit made my ridiculous lack of a decent chest glaringly obvious. I spent a few moments hating my body, then shrugged.
"Nobody here cares about your looks anyway," I told the girl in the mirror. She wasn't smiling. In fact, she looked like a girl who didn't know how to smile. I kind of hated her for that.
The cold stone walkway felt good against my bare feet as I walked around the house. On the deck, I saw Tara nursing a cup of coffee. On the other side of the table was Kala's dirty plate, but no Kala. I sat in the seat in the middle, facing the lake.
"Hey!" Tara greeted me. "You feeling okay?"
"Yeah, not too bad. My first real hangover could have been a lot worse, I think."
"That's good." She had a big smile on her face. She was leaning back in her seat, staring at me. When I didn't say anything else, she shot forward and blurted, "So Kala said you two had a 'moment' last night."
"I guess you could call it that," I replied dryly.
"So...don't leave me hanging. Kala was kind of evasive. Spill!"
"There's nothing to spill. It's actually kind of embarrassing. The alcohol got the better of my judgement. I did something I shouldn't have."
Tara's smile left her face. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, we certainly aren't on the same page. What it would have meant to me and what it would have meant to Kala are two different things."
"You mean...there's no desire for...something more? Like, maybe, a relationship?"
I shook my head. "Nope." Tara looked dumbfounded. "It's for the best anyway, I guess. I'm still not completely over Kelly. I was just hoping for...something. A year ago today I got my first kiss. Now, I'm not even pretty enough to warrant a pity fuck."
"Hey!" Tara scrunched her eyebrows. It looked like she couldn't decide who the comment was insulting. Kala emerged from the house before she settled on a response.
"Good morning, Beautiful!" she practically sang as she sat a cup of coffee down in front of me. She squeezed my shoulders, avoiding my tattoo, and gave my temple a little kiss. "How's your head?"
"It's okay." I was happy that she wasn't uncomfortable with our little acts of intimacy as friends, even though it reminded me of what I couldn't have with her. I had been afraid she was going to be more reserved around me. I smiled at her to silently say, "Thank you." I hoped the smile would reach my eyes, but it didn't feel like it did.
"Brian is whipping you up something special now that he knows you're awake," Kala announced proudly. "He said he knows exactly what you need for a hangover."
"Aw, that's sweet of him." Kala couldn't seem to stop staring at me and smiling. Tara, on the other hand, looked like she was watching a slow motion car wreck. I tried to shoot her a little glance to tell her not to worry about me, but it didn't work.
"Hey," she finally said, "want to go for a swim while Ani eats her breakfast?"
"We can wait for her," Kala said offhandedly.
"I'm not supposed to swim. Tattoo, remember?"
"What the holy hell, now?" Tara spat.
"Oh, right. You didn't see it yet." I rotated my right arm towards her.
Tara closed her eyes and pinched her nose as if trying to hold back an outburst.
"Relax," Kala told her.
"You know what that is, right?" Tara stabbed the air with both hands in my direction.
"Yes, and it's no different than my tattoo. It's part of her story, part of what brought her to her present. I think it's a beautiful symbol of her history." Kala seemed to draw out the last word.
"That's it. Swim. Now," Tara proclaimed. She stood and grabbed Kala's hand, dragging her away. Kala gave me a little smile and shrug that said, "The girl's crazy! Whatcha gonna do?"
A few minutes later Brian appeared and presented me with a bowl of steel cut oatmeal mixed with fruit and a plate of fried banana slices. His mood was wonderful, and he joined me for a cup of coffee to keep me company while I ate. I was distracted by Tara and Kala, and not just because they were wearing bikinis. Tara was talking to Kala with animated hand gestures and glances in my direction.
Was Tara berating Kala for not wanting me? It was the only explanation I could think of. How stupid, though! You can't argue someone into being interested in someone else. I got the impression that Tara was saying some unflattering things about me and Kala was defending me. Maybe that last part was just wishful thinking.
Regardless, I couldn't stop thinking about Kala and what a wonderful friend she was. She would make an amazing girlfriend. It twisted my stomach in knots thinking about moving on from Kelly, but...
I became aware that Brian had fallen silent.
"I'm sorry, what did you ask?"
He chuckled. "I asked if you liked the fried bananas? I used to make them for Trevor all the time when he was hung over. He claimed they were the only thing that made him feel better."
"They're amazing, actually."
"I'll have to teach Kala how to make them," he said with a wink. I had no idea what to make of that, but I had a thought.
"Can I ask you something, Brian?"
"Of course, Analee. Anything."
"Did you and Trevor hit it off right away, romantically?"
"Oh gosh, no!" Brian settled back in his chair, looked into his coffee for a couple seconds, and smiled. "Trevor and I started off as friends. Good friends. I didn't have much interest in him as anything more, though. But, he decided I was the one, and pursued me for quite a while. It worked, and thank goodness! I can't imagine life without him. He really does have a soft side, I swear!"
I looked back to Kala. I tried to ignore the effect her figure had on me as she waded in the lake in her black bikini. I brushed away the memories of her long black hair tickling my face and arms as we cuddled, and shut my mind's eye on her angelic face. What was left was just Kala. Not her body, but her. A sensitive, smart, fun, and intense girl who would make a wonderful girlfriend. More importantly, I felt love for her.
"Is that what you needed to hear?" Brian asked, breaking me out of my thoughts. I smiled at him.
"Yes. That's exactly what I needed to hear."
Kala and Tara came back just as Brian was bringing me a second cup of coffee. Neither of them looked very happy.
"How's the water?" I asked.
"Fine," Kala said. She said it in the way girls say "fine" when they're anything but fine.
When nobody said anything for an uncomfortable couple of beats and even Brian seemed to be wondering what was going on, I asked, "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah. It's great," Kala said. "Tara was just giving me dating advice. I think you're right, Tara. I should give Damion a chance. How many hot, young doctors am I going to meet in my life?"
"You don't have any reason not to," Tara said. Her voice hinted nastily at something unspoken.
Silence fell again. The walls that had been crumbling between me and the rest of the world reformed, rising to new heights, and the Gray came rushing back in to surround them. I refused to feel. Even my angel and devil seemed to be hiding as if they expected a storm surge. Denial was my defense. Kala couldn't possibly be so mean as to flaunt dating someone in front of me the morning after refusing to even give me a chance. How did Tara turn her against me so quickly? And why?
Brian was first to crack under the tension. He mumbled something about getting started on the dishes, and took my dirty bowl and plate before disappearing into the house. Kala stood up just after he left.
"Need some more coffee, Tara?" she asked.
"I'm good," Tara answered. Kala turned and went inside. I looked at my empty mug.
Tara seemed to be ignoring that I was even present as she stared at the lake.
"If you don't want to give me a ride home, that's fine. I can call my parents," I said softly.
Tara sighed and closed her eyes. "Don't be childish. I can give you a ride."
I returned to Kala's rooms immediately. As I gathered my clothes into my duffel bag, Kala came up the stairs.
"You're leaving?"
"I'm not stupid, Kala," I said in as non confrontational of a tone as I could manage. "I can tell you guys are pissed off at me."
I slung my bag over my shoulder and faced her. "I'm sorry about last night, Kala. I never should have tried to kiss you. I guess I was wrong to think I was ready to come out of my shell. I need to crawl back in for a while and avoid everyone so I don't damage any more relationships."
Kala was holding her own arms as if hugging herself.
"No, Ani. I don't want you to do that. You can't help how you feel. I was just...never mind. What's important is that your friendship means the world to me. Please don't block us out again. Stay for the rest of the weekend?"
I thought about it, but as I looked at Kala, I pictured her on the arm of some guy I had never met. The Gray was thinner than before, and I had to concentrate to feel its numbing effects. I didn't know how long it would last.
"I really want to be home right now." My voice was soft and monotone. I walked to the stairs, and without turning around I said, "See you in Madison."