Chapter Nine
Elle's POV
Old re-runs of the American sitcom, Friends, played softly on the T.V. Kaden had found an iconic episode, and Ross was screaming "Pivot" on screen, but we weren't watching.
I had my ear against Kaden's chest, rising and falling with his steady breath, listening to the song of his life force. It was a constant drum in my ear, and I tapped an echoing beat upon his chest.
Kaden had tucked me into his arms, smoothing a hand over my hair. I had little doubt that he was listening to my heart just as I was his. He always seemed to know how it beat. 'How was your meeting?'
Following the high tea, the Lunas held a closed-door meeting. Against all the odds, I had been invited, but I'd sat in the room, hardly saying a word as the room heated with tension. 'It was alright.'
There was an expectation among the Lunas that we would leave the meeting with something to tell our partners. Secrets were rare between soulmates. But it held an air of exclusivity by being closed-door, and I wasn't sure how much to share with him.
'I enjoy hearing their opinions. I didn't realise how involved a Luna's role is. Especially with the children.'
'Mhh,' Kaden hummed, using calloused fingers to draw patterns across my skin. 'I'll be expected to run a class with the children in two weeks. You'll do the same once you're Luna.'
'We won't do it together?'
He shook his head. And his lips skimmed my forehead, a waring sigh warming my skin. 'Don't stress about it. Iris will teach you what she can.'
He was right. There wasn't much point in stressing, not while control of the situation was so out of reach. But I'd never been good at letting things go, and thus a strained silence grew between us as concerns shadowed my thoughts.
Relying on Kaden had become somewhat of a full-time gig, and the thought of facing those children alone sent me spiralling. I couldn't do that. I couldn't shape the minds of young children.
I pressed my eyes shut, trying to block out those thoughts. I forced myself to listen to his heart, only noticing that he wasn't as affected by the silence as I was, his heart beating steadily.
He was on the brink of sleep when the thought came to me.
You won't be good enough.
It came from nowhere, pulled from the dark corners of my mind. I peered up at his stone-etched face, trying to find relief in his tranquil expression. That thought wasn't alone, though. Soon every thought I had was darkened, infected by the poison of doubt.
'I don't think yesterday helped.'
Kaden squinted through half-lidded eyes, a sigh on his lips. 'Were you not given a chance to speak?'
'I can't say I tried,' I brooded on the confession, 'I became distracted by listening to what was expected of them. I learnt more about what my role would be than I expected.'
Despite saying it was my own fault for being left behind during the meeting, I could tell it affected him as his chest tightened and his arm jerked around my waist. He wanted to say something, but he kept it to himself for whatever reason.
I knew him. He would carry those words with him if he were given half the chance, letting them simmer until he became overwhelmed by their truths. I didn't know how to draw the words out, and after a while, I settled my hand back over his chest. The way his heart jumped felt electric, and I buried a smile into the crook of his arm. 'How was your meeting?'
It was the wrong thing to ask. He sighed, lowering another kiss to my forehead before gently moving me from his arms and rising to his feet. 'It was fine.'
I sat up, my head spinning with the movement, and drew my knees to my chest, watching him retreat down the hallway. 'Did something happen?'
I got no answer. The T.V. was louder in his silence, and I watched sombrely as the drama unfolded. I felt the anxiety mounting, so I pushed it aside. I sat straight, the bones of my spine locking into place as I stiffened, ironing fluttering fingers over my dress nervously. 'Kaden?'
He came back with two dress shirts as if nothing was bothering him. One was white, while the other was burgundy. Two ties were draped over his arm, and he contemplated his choices, 'Which one for tonight?'
My face fell, my brow wrinkling as uncertainty crept in. 'I like that one,' I touched a shaking hand to the burgundy one, 'with the black tie.'
He nodded, running the fabric through his fingers.
It was clear that he wasn't interested in talking. I wished I could oblige him, but curiosity was a dangerous thing. 'Are you sure it's nothing?'
His expression hardened, but he drew me closer with a soft touch, laying his lips against my skin. 'It is nothing.' He promised, 'It's between my father and me. I don't want to trouble you with it.' His eyes softened as he gazed over me. 'It's okay. I'll sort it out.'
I let my eyes fall, leaning into his touch as he held my face. I parted my lips, my chest aching as he drew a finger over them. 'Sometimes I think you're so worried about me that you forget to share your burdens. You can tell me anything, Kaden. I'll always listen.'
He kissed me slowly, the ache throbbing in my chest. Pulling back, it was as if he had taken a piece of me. 'Elliot,' his eyes shone, 'You do more for me than you'll ever know.'
I blinked, peering at him as he stared back. 'Liar.' I whispered, drawing my hands to his chest.
He smiled, tracing a silky caress across my cheek, 'Believe what you will, Elle. But you've saved my soul more times than you can count.'
I shook my head, staring back at him, unwilling to believe him. 'You don't even know what your soul was like before you knew we were soulmates.'
His smile was saddened, as though he understood something I never would. 'I know what it's like to live without you in my life.' He murmured, his fingers caressing my skin. A distraction. 'I've seen what torments wait dormant in my mind, waiting until the day you're gone from my life.'
'I-'
His hands dropped to mine, lifting them to his lips. 'Every day you stay by my side, you save me, you fight back the darkness. You make me feel as though I'm finally living.'
Icicles formed in my veins, freezing my blood until not even the warmth of his stare could thaw me out. There was an intensity in his eyes that promised he believed his words. He meant them fiercely, as if he needed one last breath to live.
I wished I could tell him I loved him. It seemed like a moment that should be aided with cherished words. I wished I knew. If only there were a test you could take, something that confirmed love to be true. I wanted to believe the way my chest constricted at the thought of him leaving and that the sleepless nights thinking of him equated to love.
But a test like that didn't exist.
I'd been wrong before. The fluttering heart, the warmth, the daydreaming. It had been surreal, a fairytale of sorts. As a little girl, I had dreamed of it, and as a teenager, I'd craved it. I'd wanted it so much that I had imagined it into fruition. I'd already confused fantasy with reality once before. I'd trusted my emotions and believed them to be true. And for that, I ended up heartbroken.
One day, despite proving how much he loved me, Kaden would wake up from this fantasy. He would realise there was something I couldn't give him. Something missing. He'd wake up and realise that I was a nobody, not worthy of standing by his side.
Lachlan sneered at me from the grave; how could an alpha like me be matched with a weak human like you? He'd once apologised for those words and claimed they were from a place of hurt. But they still haunted me.
If he had once believed them, how could they not stand true for Kaden? Cassie and Kate thought so, and so many others who hadn't had the chance to say it to my face.
One day Kaden would wake from this fantasy. He would find reason in the voices that doubted me. And he'd leave.
Admitting I loved him, even just to myself, would relinquish control of my life. Once I acknowledged it, I wasn't just living for myself. I would be living for him. It was a promise to myself and him that I wasn't even sure I could uphold.
I'd been tricked once before. I'd mistaken feelings long ago and wouldn't do that to him. I wouldn't do it to myself.
So instead of telling him something I was scared to say, I drew him close, sculpting our bodies together. And I kissed him.
I kissed him as if it were the last time I could get the chance. As if tomorrow wasn't promised and as if it were only our beginning. I poured my emotions into the kiss, aching from within.
Kaden followed my lead, threading his fingers through my hair, his tender hold causing something painful to erupt in my chest. He held me carefully as though I would crack and crumble away to nothing.
I refused to pull away. The pain burned within me, emotions piling atop each other. Longing. Sadness. Relief. Desire. Anger. Love. I fought my way closer, fusing our bodies, wanting to lose track of where our separate bodies met.