"You know, I can't decide if it's very trusting of my mom to let us have time alone, or very naïve," Connor joked one day, about two weeks after he'd come out to his mom (and Zoe, but Evan still didn't know about that, so...). He and Evan were cuddling on Evan's bed. Heidi had taken an extra shift that night to help cover one of her sick coworkers, so she was pulling a double and wouldn't be home for ages. The second Evan had texted him, Connor had raced over, calling a quick "heading to Evan's," to his mom, who nodded after him with a firm reminder to be home by 9pm, so his father didn't notice or scold him.
Evan grinned a little, shrugging innocently. Every day, he got more and more comfortable with his feelings and affections. He initiated kisses more, cuddled more, held Connor's hand more. He would even explore the other boys body more, running his hands down Connor's arms, or snaking a hand under his shirt and rubbing his stomach or back. He was still too nervous to take it much further than that, but they'd had a few make-out sessions, mostly with him taking his cues from Connor, and never going too far.
"What's that smirk for?" Connor asked, rolling onto his elbow and staring down at Evan, a wicked gleam in his eyes.
"N-nothing," Evan stammered, feeling completely vulnerable and exposed with Connor looking down at him through the curtain of his hair. He felt his pulse quicken as Connor leaned in and kissed him. Evan reached up and placed his arm around Connor, pulling him in closer. His nerves were on fire, his anxiety making him question every move he made, yelling at him that Connor would pull away at any second and ask him why he was being such an idiot. He tried to silence the voices in his head, but failed, and started to pull away, but Connor pressed closer.
They'd never really had The Talk. It was still early in their relationship. But because Evan pulled away every time things got too intense, he'd finally felt compelled to admit to Connor that he was too nervous to make a move most of the time, that he liked when they were close, but didn't know how to shut his nervous brain up long enough to act on his feelings. Connor had always assured him there was no pressure, that they would only take it as far as he was comfortable.
Evan didn't know how to admit that he wanted more. He'd lived his entire life trying not to bring attention to himself, and admitting he wanted more, or initiating it, felt too dangerous and bold. The closer he and Connor became, though, the more he wanted more.
Today was one of those days. It felt like he couldn't get enough of Connor, and he found himself pressing closer, deepening their kisses. That was all the encouragement Connor needed. One second, he was beside Evan, pressed close, kissing him, running his hand down Evan's chest and stomach; the next, his hand was under Evan's shirt, pushing it up, making lazy circles with his fingers. Evan felt his body responding. He pressed closer still, his arm going around the other boy, his hand trailing down his back. Evan wasn't sure what made him do it, what caused his brain to malfunction, but suddenly, he boldly trailed his hand down further and grabbed Connor's ass.
Connor let out a strangled moan, flipping so Evan was under him. The pressure and warmth of his body comforted Evan, almost like having a weighted blanket for anxiety. It felt... safe.
When Connor's fingers started brushing under the waistband of his jeans, though, Evan felt his anxiety spike a little. He tried to ignore it, as Connor unbuttoned Evan's jeans, his hand trailing further down. But Evan's heart started to pound, and he squirmed uncomfortably, breaking their kiss and pulling away.
Connor immediately backed off. "Are you okay? We don't have to- I'm sorry, I just got caught up in the heat of the moment. But this - We don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with."
Evan felt his entire face flame with humiliation. He felt like such a loser. Connor must have seen it in his eyes, because he sat up and pulled Evan with him, so they were both sitting on the edge of the bed side-by-side.
"Seriously, Ev, don't be embarrassed. It's cool. I pushed too far."
Evan shook his head frantically. He didn't want Connor to blame himself. "You didn't do anything wrong," he said firmly. "I'm just, um, so- ... I mean, I'm j-just not ready for... that... yet. But s-seriously, you didn't push or go too far, okay?"
Connor nodded. For once, his brain didn't contradict what was being said. He knew Evan meant it. He gave the other boy a quick, gentle kiss and a hand squeeze.
"Why don't we go downstairs and watch a movie? Less pressure than being in your bed, huh?" He made a goofy face, making Evan laugh.
~*~*~
Though Connor made life more bearable overall, school was still torture for Evan. Aside from the usual anxiety triggers, there was also Jared, who hadn't said a word about that day in the park. He'd never pressed Evan about the New year's Eve incident, either, or the hoodie thing. But Evan felt sick to his stomach every morning when he woke up, wondering if today was going to be the day Jared would out him and Connor to the whole school. He almost wished Jared would just do it and get it over with.
Evan had also been more tense than usual around his mom. She hadn't ever pushed him to admit what had set him off into such a bad panic attack that night, nor had she questioned him about his friendship with Connor. He knew she would eventually, and he felt like he was constantly on alert, waiting for the ball to drop.
He found her in the kitchen, getting ready to leave for work. Which was odd. She was usually gone before he woke.
"Hey, honey, sleep well?" She asked cautiously. That was new. She usually acted overly cheerful with him, like she thought she could make up for his anxiety by being super happy. But since his panic attack, since he ran to Connor and the Murphy's with very little explanation, she had been more somber and cautious, like she was walking on egg shells.
"I- yeah, um, I guess."
She smiled hesitantly, grabbing her keys and bag. "I'll be home late. There's money on the table for dinner. I'm a phone call away if you need me, okay?"
Once Evan has nodded a confirmation, she left. He waited until he couldn't see her car out the window before he sent a text message: Come over.
~*~*~
Connor was there in under an hour.
"Skip school with me?" Evan asked, almost the second he opened the door.
"Don't gotta ask me twice," Connor grinned.
They had a lazy day, just lying on Evan's bed, watching old movies. They were well into their second movie when Evan's voice startled Connor from his thoughts.
"Why do you do that?"
Connor startled, looking at Evan with confusion in his eyes. Evan nodded down at Connor's hands, which were playing with his bracelets and scratching at the skin hidden below them. Connor quickly hid his hands under the blanket beside him.
"It's nothing. Just.. weird habit, that's all."
Evan didn't believe him, and opened his mouth to say so.
"I think you should tell your mom about us," Connor said quickly.
Evan looked like Connor had punched him in the gut. "W-what?"
Connor looked away, ashamed. He had only said it to change the subject and divert the attention from his wrists. He wasn't ready to talk about it with Evan. Evan hadn't seen his ugly scars yet, didn't know how disgusting he truly was. He wanted to keep it that way for a little while longer. But he knew he was pushing Evan away with this conversation, and he hated himself for being such a coward.
"Jared knows. What if he tells someone? Do you really want her hearing it from Jared Kleinman?"
Evan trembled at the idea, his brain taking it one step further. What if Jared told Mrs. Kleinman, who would blurt it to all the other moms, who would say things in front of their kids, who would tell other kids at school... Evan's brain took an endless tumble down Worst Case Scenario Hill.
"Besides, I'm sure she's worried about you, thinking it's something worse than it is. My mom said she already knew, before I even told her. Something about mother's intuition. Maybe your mom is the same."
"Maybe..." Evan said hesitantly, biting his lip. "I mean, your mom really has been great about everything, and you didn't think she would be."
Connor nodded. "Yeah... That was the first honest conversation I've had with her in... I don't even know. It felt... Well, I can't say it felt good because it was still weird. I hate feeling like... Like..."
"Vulnerable?" Evan guessed. Connor nodded, staring down at his hands to avoid making eye contact with Evan, alternately picking at his chipped black nail polish and at the skin under his bracelets.
"Yeah," he finally replied with a casual shrug. "Well, it's hard to let yourself be vulnerable when you've learned that showing weakness will get you hurt."
"Who hurt you?" Evan blurted, before realizing his mistake. Connor had immediately tensed up and shut down at the question. "I'm sorry, you don't have to tell me, that was stupid, I shouldn't have asked that."
Connor pulled away from Evan, laying on his back and resting his head on the pillows. He stared at the ceiling to avoid eye contact with Evan, nervously playing with his bracelets again. Thinking about Miguel reminded him of that day, and he didn't want to think about that day ever again.
Suddenly, Evan shifted closer to Connor, taking his hand and pulling his wrist close. Connor tried to jerk back, but Evan held tight. He turned Connor's hand over, exposing the underside of his wrist. He grabbed the bracelet by its clasp, but paused, staring Connor right in the eyes.
It was another one of those moments – the kind where everything could fall apart. This was how it had fallen apart with Miguel – Miguel, who Evan still didn't know about. But it would only fall apart if he let it. It would only fall apart if he let things play out the same way they had that day. He could change this ending. He could be brave
Be fucking real with me. That's what Miguel had said to him. And he couldn't. He'd run. Was this the moment he stopped running?
Evan was still staring at him, still holding his hand and the clasp of his bracelet. Waiting. Connor's heart was pounding so hard in his chest, he was positive Evan could hear it. Connor was frozen like a statue. He didn't pull away. He looked Evan right in the eyes and, ever so slightly, nodded.
Evan unclasped the bracelet, and it fell onto the bed. Connor could hear his intake of breath, and finally had to look away. He felt Evan's finger tracing the scars, some still fresh and raw, since it had only been a few weeks since the last time he'd cut.
Connor waited for Evan to pull away in disgust, to make some excuse for why he needed Connor to leave. He waited for Evan to ask why, because people always did – the doctors, Connor's parents, his therapists.
He didn't, though. Instead of pulling away, Evan leaned in and gently kissed the scars. Connor hissed, not in pain, but in shock. Evan glanced up just as Connor turned to look at him again, and they made eye contact. No fear in Evan's eyes. No pity, either. Just understanding.
Usually, Evan was the one who collapsed into Connor's arms, who cried until nothing was left.
This time, it was Connor.
~*~*~
Connor wasn't sure how he managed to get home in one piece, but the joint helped calm his shaking hands. He felt drained. Opening up to Evan, letting Evan see his scars... He had poured every ounce of himself into that. He had put his trust in Evan more completely than in anyone else in his entire life - even more than in Miguel. It could have backfired. It didn't.
He sat in bed that night, staring at his scars, seeing them in a new light. And when Evan messaged him to ask if they could walk to school together the next day, he couldn't help the smile that spread over his face, despite how raw he felt inside.