"Please, let me explain!"
Connor stopped short, his back to Evan. He wasn't sure what made him stop, if it was the fact that he felt like an asshole for how he'd treated the anxious boy earlier (he really hadn't meant to push him, especially that hard...), or if it was the words he spoke. They haunted him, reminding him of days long ago when he would try to explain to his parents why he had done something, and they'd brush him off and tell him they didn't want to hear it.
Whatever the reason, he felt compelled to hear Evan out.
Slowly, he turned to face Evan, a steely look in his eye. Most people interpreted that look as anger. But for him, it was more about protecting himself, closing himself off. After all, this could still just be an elaborate prank to humiliate him.
"I... it's just... um..." Evan sounded frantic. He looked ready to cry. Most people would have laughed at him for that – boys don't cry, right? But Connor knew that feeling. Though his thoughts were racing and his skin was crawling, he tried to give the other boy the benefit of the doubt. He tried hard to remain patient and not roll his eyes.
Evan fell silent, staring at his shoes, picking at the hem of his shirt. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, he could feel a panic attack edging its way up his body. He NEEDED that letter back. He tried to make eye contact with Connor again, but the anger in Connor's eyes terrified him.
Evan stood that way for so long, silently staring at the floor, that Connor didn't think he'd ever speak again. Connor sighed in frustration. He was trying to be patient, trying to let Evan say his piece, but he was starting to lose his shit. He fidgeted in place, feeling caged, like the walls were closing in on him. He had to get out of there, had to go- Well, he just had to go. Today had not been a good day, and his thoughts were taking him to dark places, convincing him it was all his fault, that he had to- had to...
Suddenly, Evan looked Connor in the eye, and spoke - super fast, but still, he spoke.
"I, um, go to therapy. And, so, my, um, well, my therapist suggested I- well, that I write letters to myself and-" His voice caught in his throat. He couldn't believe he'd just told Connor Murphy that he went to therapy. He glanced up at Connor, not with fear this time, but with shame, before quickly looking away.
Connor took a small step forward. He had the sudden urge to reach a hand out to Evan, to steady and comfort him. He was used to people avoiding eye contact with him out of fear – he was crazy Connor Murphy, after all. If he really thought about it, he realized it had been a long time since someone looked at him with anything other than fear in their eyes.
But this wasn't that. He could see the humiliation in Evan's eyes. He was embarrassed to be admitting to someone that he was in therapy - another feeling Connor knew well. So it was... well, he didn't want to say nice because that seemed mean - Evan was clearly struggling to tell him this. But it was nice not to be looked at like he was going to murder the person before him. The only other person who had looked at Connor without fear was, well....
After an eternity, Evan tried again, even managed to look Connor in the eye.
"I just was - I mean I wasn't - it wasn't about you being there. It was stupid, I'm sorry. I just like - I mean, you know. Well, you don't, I guess.... I like Zoe. I'm sorry, that's weird to say to you. Not because you're you but because - because you're her brother. I-I wasn't trying - I mean, I would never... I wasn't trying to trick you or call you - well, I mean, you're not crazy... I'm sorry."
Evan took a breath, his heart still racing. But for some reason, the panic attack he thought was inevitable never came. Despite his racing heart, he felt a weird calm falling over him. The steely look in Connor's eyes had lessened some. He didn't look ready to push Evan again. So, Evan continued.
"I never meant for anyone to see that letter. It wasn't a trick, I'm sorry. I just... can I... Please don't tell her..."
"Whatever," Connor gritted out after several tense minutes of silence. Logically, he knew Evan was telling the truth. But his brain was still screaming at him to protect himself, to throw his walls back up. To run. "Well...." Connor spun on his heel to leave.
"Wait! Are you... Where are you... Um, my letter?"
Connor turned back to Evan. The utter fear and desperation in his voice hit a chord in Connor. He didn't know what it was about this boy, didn't know what made him do it, but... "Have you ever ditched class?"
The look on Evan's face was so comical, Connor couldn't help but chuckle.
Evan's mouth dropped open, surprised to hear Connor Murphy laugh. He didn't think he'd ever even seen Connor Murphy smile.
So, when Connor nodded at him and walked out the school doors, Evan followed.
~*~*~
The park was quiet, since most people were at school and work. Connor sat with his back against a tree, Evan sitting a bit away from him. Connor took a long drag from a joint, then held it out to Evan.
"Oh, um... I..." Evan started to reach for it, but pulled back. Would Connor think he was a loser if he didn't try it? Would he tell him to leave? As unexpected as it was, Evan was enjoying Connor's company. They hadn't spoken much, but there was a weird comfort in just sitting here with him. Evan couldn't put his finger on why - not yet, at least.
"No pressure, you don't have to," Connor said with a shrug, taking another pull.
"Oh, um, thank you." Evan looked down, playing with the laces of his sneakers.
They fell back into their comfortable silence, Connor finishing the joint and Evan staring around the park. His brain wouldn't shut off, cycling between thoughts of getting in trouble with his mom for skipping class, wondering why Connor had asked him to hang out, and assessing Connor himself. This was the first time he'd felt safe enough to simply stare at the other boy, who was leaning his head back against the tree, eyes closed.
Connor looked so peaceful. Maybe being high did that to you. His mouth held a small smile, his shoulders weren't tensed up anymore. He looked... calm. Relaxed. Innocent.
"Why are people afraid of you?"
The words were out of Evan's mouth before he could stop them. He wished so hard he could take them back. The steely-eyed look Connor hit him with gave him chills. But the question was out there and couldn't be taken back.
Connor sneered at Evan. "I don't know, why are you afraid of me?"
"Oh, I... I mean... I-I'm not.."
Connor rolled his eyes. He didn't need this, he should have known better than to think he could reach out and make a friend. He went to stand, ready to go, to do what he'd intended when he'd first made the decision to skip school earlier. His body felt like a guitar that was strung too tight, anxious and ready to snap.
"I just, I'm afraid of ... lots of things." Evan said quickly, praying Connor wouldn't leave.
Connor stared hard at Evan. He believed that, it was crystal clear this boy had a list of things a mile long that made him anxious and skittish. Slowly, he sat back down, not saying a word, just waiting for Evan to continue.
"My therapist says I have, um, social anxiety. Sorry, that's weird... But so, I'm not really.... it's not that I'm, um, I'm just like this with everyone, I guess. Not just you. Sorry."
"You apologize a lot."
"Sorry. I mean... you know what I mean. Sorry."
"Stop apologizing."
"So- .... okay."
Connor smirked. "You want to say it again, huh?"
"Yes, very much so."
They stared at each other for a second before they both broke out into awkward laughter.
~*~*~
When they rose to leave, Connor fidgeted for a second, trying to find the nicest way to say what he needed to say.
"Look, Evan-"
Evan couldn't quite read the tone in Connor's voice, but he tensed with worry, his mind exploding with all the things Connor might be about to say.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think we should tell anyone about... coming here together. We, uh, probably shouldn't talk at school, either."
"O-oh," Evan mumbled, looking down. "S-sure, I get it. Um, this was... n-nice...?" He turned to hurry away when he felt a hand on his arm. He jumped, looking up at Connor.
"I just have this really crap reputation," Connor continued.
"Oh?" Evan asked, trying to sound surprised, like he didn't know anything about Connor and what people said about him.
Connor rolled his eyes, letting out a single sarcastic laugh.
"Yeahhhhh, and... you know, you seem...." Connor stopped himself, shrugging. He didn't want to say anything mean, but Evan had admitted he had anxiety. Even without him admitting it, Connor knew from experience what anxiety looked like. Evan, like Connor, tried very hard to be invisible, and he'd be anything but if he started hanging with Connor, or talking to him at school.
Connor shrugged again. "I wouldn't want my reputation making things rough for you, is all." Connor shook his head, still trying to figure out why he cared so much. He never allowed himself to care about people or get close, not since...
Evan nodded. "Okay, um, yeah. Thanks for... that?"
"Yeah. Well...." Connor pulled a piece of paper from his pocket, tore off a corner, and jotted his number down. He handed the paper to Evan. "Maybe we can... I don't know... hang out again or whatever."
Evan carefully took the paper with shaking hands and pocketed it, nodding.