January 19th.
Maddie's POV:
Today, I'm taking Billie on a date. I got this idea a couple days ago, but I've been mentally fucked up since that happened.
Basically, I was on my way to my meeting and I stopped to get coffee because I laid in bed all day and I needed to wake up for the meeting. Then I ran into Nicole, that wasn't planned at all. The paparazzi showed up, I don't know how they were there so quick.
The paparazzi would do anything to fuck up the relationship that Billie and I have, and it almost worked. I have never seen Billie angry at me, and I have never really seen her angry in general.
She's never left me either, that bitch got into her car and she was about to leave me. I don't know why but that really fucked with my mind, and it's still really fucking with my mind.
We were good for a minute, and it was all going good; the public relationship. But now that shows me that Billie's insecure about it, she was good for a fat ass minute. Why is she doubting it all of a sudden?
I've been trying to tell her since the start, that if she left I would understand. The girl can give me all the reassurance in the world, and I would still think that she's going to leave me. She had me for a minute, I actually thought that she would never leave. That stood against everything that I stood for, but now I know that she's no different, if shit gets too hard. She'll leave.
To wrap this up, we're right back where we started and her dream is practically coming true. The internet is literally hating my ass because, they think that Billie and I broke up because we haven't said anything.
Even though I'm getting hella hate, there's nothing that I can do or say to make it stop. I think if I could go back to private relationship I definitely would, being in a public one doesn't really have as many benefits as being in a private one.
Yeah we can hold hands in public, but what else? Since the public knows everything and they have so many questions, and I feel like all my comments are about our relationship. I'm not going to answer them, but it was better being private.
I assume the hate is going to get to me at some point, but like I can't shut her out because she basically lives with me and I can't get rid of her even if I tried. I'm glad that I'm going to London tomorrow, and I'm glad that I'm going to be there for a week.
I need to figure out what's going to happen, like I'm not going to break up with her. But I can feel myself getting sad again, and I haven't been sad in forever. I don't want to be sad, but my sadness was caused by my dumbass.
I need to sit down and talk to Billie about this whole thing, but there's just no time. I leave tomorrow and I leave hella early, I want to talk to Billie and I want to have her input and I want to know how she feels about everything. I want to know why she got angry and I want to know why she's insecure about our relationship.
I can't talk to her today, because today's going to be happy vibes because I'm taking her on a date. But since that happened, everything's been weird. I mean she's fine, but I'm not.
If I wait to talk to her until after I get back, then it would be pointless because she would be over it but I'm hoping that she pieces it together.
Is that wrong? Making her piece it together just because I don't wanna start the conversation because I don't know how she feels.
I can really feel my sadness coming back, and I can't do that again. I really can't, I loved being happy and I enjoyed my happiness. But maybe at the end of the day, I deserve to be sad.
Billie and I were still laying in my bed, her head is rested on my chest and I was running my hand through her hair. Even though my mind is constantly filled with these thoughts, I'm pretty good at pretending that everything is normal.
I mean I really have been quiet, and I don't know what to say. I haven't been able to start a conversation, and I haven't been able to joke around with her like I normally would. That hurts because I love talking to her and I love joking with her.
She looked up at me, and I looked into her eyes. I was trying so hard to hide my thoughts, because this bitch can see right through me. She was looking into my eyes, and she furrowed her eyebrows. She can probably see my thoughts.
Maddie: "Why that face?"
She looked away from me, but she was still looking at me because of the mirror across from us.
Billie: "Something's wrong."
I pulled my lip in between my teeth, and stopped running my hand through her hair. We're really about to have this conversation now, and I'm not fucking ready.
Billie: "I know what's wrong, and I feel like shit for doing that to you."
Maddie: "What are you-"
Billie: "Shorty, I- how the fuck do I word this?" She exhaled, "You watched me almost leave. I know how insecure you were that I was going to leave, and I tried so fucking hard to convince you that I would never leave. I'm not going to leave, but like I don't know. I hurt you."
Maddie: "Why were you angry?" I asked softly.
Billie: "I asked myself the same question, that's been on my mind since it happened. I don't know why I was angry, I guess it's because I was talking to Finneas about you before it all happened. And then I see that, and I guess I felt like what I said was pointless."
Maddie: "I didn't mean for any of that to happen-"
Billie: "I know that, I really do."
Maddie: "I-" I cut myself off.
Billie: "What are you thinking?"
Maddie: "I can feel my sadness coming back." I said quietly.
She turned around to face me, "It's because of me."
Maddie: "No, babygirl I refuse to let you blame yourself for my sadness. I mean I had it coming, shit was going too good for too long."
Billie sighed, "You deserve to be happy and you said that yourself."
Maddie: "I know I did, but I don't believe that happiness is permanent. I do deserve happiness, and I still feel that way. But I had it coming, I was happy for too long and I took it for granted because now I feel like shit so."
Billie: "You didn't take your happiness for granted, you had fun, you were happy and you were glowing. You were always smiling. You enjoyed your happiness, and that's what you're supposed to do with your happiness."
Maddie: "I hate the fact that I let this one little thing get to me."
Billie: "No, I blew it out of proportion. It was not that big of a deal, I shouldn't have reacted like that. I bet you anything, if I didn't react like that you would not feel this way."
Maddie: "You tried so hard to convince me that you weren't going to leave, and I believed you and I still believe you. But I always told myself not to, because everyone leaves and no one's permanently in your life. But I believed you, even though that stood against everything that I stood for."
Billie: "Shorty, just say it. It's my fault you feel this way."
Maddie: "That's not what I'm getting at. You didn't do anything."
Billie: "If the paparazzi didn't do that, would you have told me?"
Maddie: "Yeah. I would. I don't have a reason not to."
Billie: "We have to fix this, because I refuse to lose you and I refuse to let you get sad again."
Maddie: "I think its too late for that."
Billie: "I'm not going to lie to you, I forgot how to take care of you when you're sad. But no matter how you feel, I will be here."
Maddie: "I leave tomorrow."
She looked at me.
Maddie: "London."
Billie sighed.
Maddie: "You wanna come?"
Billie: "I would love to, but I can't. I have fittings and rehearsals for the Grammy's."
I would not lie to you, I only asked her because I knew that she couldn't go. I'm going to hell, and talking to her about this isn't fixing anything.
Maddie: "I have a question."
Billie: "Okay."
Maddie: "But look away from me."
Billie stopped looking at me.
Maddie: "If you could go back to a private relationship with me, would you?"
Billie: "I was talking to Finneas about this exact topic, I told him I wouldn't. Why do you ask?"
Maddie: "Because sometimes I just don't think a public relationship has as many benefits as a private one."
Billie: "What are you getting at?"
Maddie: "Nothing, because I'm not going to change anything about what we have and what our relationship is. At the end of the day, I love it. But if we weren't in a public relationship, that wouldn't have happened."
Billie: "I see what you're saying, but this is going to get fixed. I don't know how, and I don't know what I'm going to do. But this most definitely will get fixed and you will be happy again."
I held my pinky out, and she locked hers to mine. I'm not taking her on the date, the vibes just too weird. We just had that deep ass conversation and then it's like oh I'm taking you to ride horses. No, I'll take her when I get back.
I feel like I feel better, I'mma do everything my power to make sure that I'll be happy again. I will be happy by the Grammy's, I have to be. She was so happy for me, and I will be happy for her. She deserves it.
Billie: "I love you."
Maddie: "I love you too."
Billie's still really good at comforting me even though, she said that she forgot how to comfort me when I was sad. She was laying on my chest, she had one of her legs in between mine. She was lightly stroking my hip, she sat there comforting me until I was good.
Billie: "I'm taking you to the airport."
Maddie: "And you're picking me up." I mocked her.
Billie: "You already know." She laughed.
I was watching Billie in the mirror, she was playing with the strings on my shorts. She furrowed her eyebrows together and pulled her lip between her teeth. I ran my hand through her hair.
Maddie: "What are you thinking?"
Billie: "I don't think that you're sadness is coming back."
Maddie: "What do you mean?"
Billie: "That was one thing that altered your happiness, one thing. It might've been a big thing to you, and I will never know what's fully going on in your head. But like you said, you've been happy for a long ass time. You forgot what it's like to be sad, you don't know what to do when you're sad. Because you've forgotten, since you don't know what to do. You're letting this get to you."
Maddie: "You have a point, I don't think it's really coming back either. I'm just sad right now, I'll be better by the time I get back from London."
I looked up at the T.V to look at the time, and it was 4. Would it be shocking if I said that I'm not packed for London? I mean like I have my outfits for the events, but I have no normal clothes.
I'm definitely going to wait to the last minute to pack, there's no reason to pack now. Because my flight is at midnight, but that means I have to be there at like ten, which means I have to leave at eight, okay I should probably pack now.
I sat up and Billie was rested against my chest, I kissed her neck and wrapped my arms around her.
Maddie: "I'm not packed."
Billie: "I know."
Maddie: "How do you know?" I laughed.
Billie: "Because you never pack on time." She smiled.
She sat up and pulled me up with her, she gave me a kiss before we walked out of the room and into the glam room. It's messy as fuck in here because I get back a day before the Grammy's and I was getting fitted for that.
Billie sat on the floor and unzipped my suitcase.
Maddie: "You're gonna pack for me?"
Billie: "No, but I'm gonna help. Do you have your outfits for Fashion Week?"
I walked over to the closet and pulled out the rack of clothes that I was supposed to try on, that I didn't do.
Billie: "You haven't tried any of those on have you?"
Maddie: "I have."
Billie: "There's no reason to lie shorty, it would be surprising if you actually did." She smiled.
I started looking thorough the rack, I picked all this stuff out I just haven't tried it on. So I did half of the fitting.
...
We've been in here for like an hour, I'm packed. It would've taken longer if Billie didn't do a majority of it. I probably wouldn't have tried anything on either, she helps me with my career more than she knows.
I was sitting on the couch in the glam room, I watched Billie zip up my suitcase and stand it up. She walked over and sat by me.
Billie: "I don't know how I'm going to survive a week without you." She whined.
Maddie: "It's five days."
Billie: "Too long." She rested her head on my shoulder, and took my hand in hers.
Maddie: "You're precious."
Billie: "No you."
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okay, i know i've been gone for like a week. but over that time, i know how this story is going to go. i have a few ideas, i know how it's going to end. this shit is not going to be as long as our time because i cannot do that to myself lmaooo.
the updates are still going to be slow because i wanna take my time with it, and actually write something i like.
thank you for all the sweet comments, i love you 🥺
thanks ily
words: 2457.