chapter song - boyfriend by Selena Gomez
I wake up with a jolt and it takes my eyes a moment to be able to adjust and make out the shapes of the furniture in my room. A shaky sigh passes through my lips and I flinch when I hear fabric shuffling to my left.
I glance over to see Tally's head as she sits up from her bed and stretches a little. She looks over at me with a pout.
"Sorry," I whisper. "Did I wake you?"
Tally shakes her head. "I was already awake."
I reach over and fumble with the beside table until I press down on the little lamp there. A light purple hue fills the room gently from the coloured light bulb I put in. It's not enough to completely cut through the darkness but it gives a little bit of clarity. Tally looks at it and smiles.
"It's cute," she says.
"Would you laugh if I say it's my night light?" I ask and she shakes her head.
"Of course not. But why do you need one? You're having nightmares, right?"
I sigh. "Yeah. Sometimes they're not that bad and usually I don't remember them. But sometimes I wake up and everything just feels off and strange. And then I would get this irrational fear of the dark for the next few hours so I couldn't let myself get back to sleep. I ended up buying this so that it wouldn't be dark anymore but I could still sleep again."
"How long have you had nightmares?"
I shrug. "I don't know. It started sometime in college, when I got bad anxiety. That's what everyone pretty much thinks it is. They're just nightmares from stress and anxiety."
Tally's lips twist downwards and she reaches her hand over to put hers over mine. "That sounds awful."
I huff out a little laugh. "It's okay. I'm used to them. They could be worse. A least, if I'm getting them, I know that at some point during the week or prior I've been getting too stressed out so I make sure I rest more."
"Yeah," Tally says. Her eyes suddenly zero in on the burn mark on my arm. It's not too large, but the skin there is slightly darkened and has luckily faded a little over the years. I gulp and gently pull my hand away as she nods and looks away. "At least you're taking care of yourself."
I nod and curl back up on myself in the bed. "What time is it?"
"Um." Tally checks her phone. "It's almost seven-thirty."
I groan. "I'm too awake to go back to bed."
"Me too," Tally says.
"Why were you awake?" I ask and Tally smiles slightly and my eyebrows raise at her sneaky grin. "What? Come on, what is it?"
"I'm not fully ready to tell yet, but, I may be talking to a guy."
"You what?" I squeal out and Tally laughs.
"Shut up!" She falls back down onto her bed. "It's not serious or anything, but we've been texting for a while and...I don't know...it's nice."
I grin. "Aw, you have a boyfriend."
"Oh my god, shut up!"
I settle back onto the bed with my arms spread out at my sides. Tally rests her head on the side of my mattress and a comfortable silence fills the room. Fig meanders through from the cracked open door and jumps onto the bed, lying down against my arm. I lift my arm up and scratch his head gently as the morning light gently covers the purple of the night light.
Things felt like they were easier years ago. Things had seemed easier in college. But then when I actually think about it, nothing has ever really been easy. High School was a mess, college was a slam dunk into stress and the years after it haven't brought me out happier. Part of me wants to pack everything up and go. Find something somewhere else because whatever is left here isn't working. But then the other part of me is tired of trying things only for them to give me no reward to reap.
Now, it just feels like everything is fizzling out.
"What do you want to do today?" I ask.
Tally shrugs, then tilts her head to the side. "Maybe we can go to the waterfront. Fresh air would be nice."
I nod with a little smile. "Yeah, some air would be nice."
A few hours later finds us strolling along the waterfront. A few people are jogging past, most with dogs and I suddenly want to have Fig in my arms. The air is good, I suppose. But even so, I can't help but feel as though my throat is closing up no matter what. Something still has my mind feeling rattled.
"The last guy you were with..." Tally trails off, unsure how to word her question.
"What?" I prompt her.
Tally sighs and stops, turning to me, her hands in her pockets. "Did he do that?" She asks, tilting her head towards my arm.
I sigh. "Tal..."
"I know it ended badly but Fran, if he..." she cuts herself off and rubs the back of her beck. "If he hurt you..."
"Tally, it's fine," I say.
"But it's not," she insists.
I turn away and look out at the water, pressing my crossed arms onto the railing.
"Franny," Tally starts.
"Look," I say. "It was - it was complicated. And a lot of stuff happened. But I'm fine. I've changed a lot over the years, we both have. And you've gotta trust that I can take care of myself now. It was just one mistake."
Tally glances at my arm again before looking down, she runs a hand through her hair and nods slightly. "You know I just worry. And I guess I don't really have a place to. Given how long it's been since we've even talked to each other. But I just...you're basically mis sister so if anyone had ever hurt you..."
I give her a sad smile and pull her into a hug. "I'll never push you away for worrying about me. But I promise, it's in the past now. Maybe I'll talk about it in the future. But I just can't now. It's one of those things."
Tally accepts that with a nod. "Alright. I'll back off."
I laugh a little and link my arm with hers. "Don't back away too far. I'll miss you too much. You're like a Chihuahua ready to pounce."
She pouts. "I'm way scarier than a Chihuahua."
"I don't know what you're talking about because Chihuahua's are literally terrifying," I laugh.
Tally rolls her eyes and we continue to walk along the waterfront together. "I was being serious the other day, by the way."
"What do you mean?"
"About partying and getting drunk," Tally says and I groan. "No, no. Come on, we are going out. You've been living downtown in a city with plenty of bars and clubs and you're barely gone out and barely made friends."
"I worked a lot," I explain.
"Yeah? Well, now you're not working," Tally says and a sneaky grin pulls at her lips. "So, I say, we get drunk and throw ourselves at attractive, respectable people at average quality bars."
"God, you're the worst," I grin.
"You're smiling," Tally yells with triumph and I shove her shoulder to quiet her down. "That means you don't hate the idea, so therefore, we are going out and getting wasted like we only just hit twenty."
"How did that motivate me, yet also make me feel old at the same time?" I frown.
Tally shrugs with a smile. "God given talent."
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