Playlist
Gold by Wake Owl
Heart like yours by willamette stone
Home by Ellie Goulding
» i'm finally happy with this chapter so let's all make a circle and applaud the effort!!!! btw that's zoe in the picture, just thought about putting here because she's stunning and wowowow , but if you want check all the characters at the end of the chapter, if you didn't yet. Enjoy.x
~*~
There were some mornings while Louis would go on his way for work, daydreaming about driving in front of a city bus with his car. But then Zayn would rest his hand in his knee, reminding him that life is there in front of him to be lived. So he wouldn't do it. He would delay that thought.
There were other mornings (a lot of mornings, too depressing to even count them) that Louis would stay at home, especially in his college's days, so the city bus wasn't an option, a bottle of vodka was, because there was no motivation to keep fighting. The future was blurry and unknown for him, the days were so cold and grey, he felt trapped because the sun wasn't calling for him and during the night before, the stars didn't take care of him. So with dark circles under his eyes –the same eyes that were still playing the same nightmares, the same fears over and over again, burning –with his dry throat and his body shaking he would write in a random piece of paper, sometimes even a napkin, whatever it would come to his heart. Not his mind. His mind was drowning in alcohol and no one could rescue it, him.
In the mornings that he would wake up still drunk, after a long night previously followed by a long day, he would destroy all those words said by heart. All those poems, all those secrets and confessions. All the love was slowly being set on fire. He knew he would regret it eventually, he was forcing the oblivion knowing he wasn't strong enough to reach the safeness he needed.
Louis would take a shower then, wash everything away, every sore piece he had with him, would wash him and all the nostalgia and sadness away. It would go away with the water for that little moment, a headache and sore throat replacing that feeling and pain. He wouldn't whisper evil things into his own ear afterwards, because Zayn would shout them at him. He would recognise that they would become evil being whispered by himself, to himself. Zayn was being his hero in his turn, until he could do that job again for himself.
It was pathetic, he recognised it, he recognises it. He was drunk but anything could intoxicate Louis the way Harry did. He understands he got too deep into this, maybe even got addicted to the sadness, loneliness and just the feeling of not being okay and using pain to relieve... pain. His life was slowly being taken away from him, it was sweet, it smelled of wine and it stroked his hair. He started to see only the black things in life, for so long that he got used to it. No one could paint it in white again, there were too many things that didn't match with the reality he wanted to dream about, but didn't. Otherwise, he kept having nightmares and living those awake as well.
But today, this morning, is not like any kind of those previous ones, he doesn't want to step in front of a city bus. It wouldn't be beautiful. He wants to live. He wants to pour love into this day until is overflowing. He has breakfast sober with people smiling at him and not shouting evil words that even though they are everything he should hear, he knows them already and considers them. He has that kind of breakfast he long forgot the feeling it transmitted that he can't even remember that it was felt by him once. The warmness he feels isn't from the hot tea that slides along his throat (and it doesn't burn like it used to with vodka) is from the arm pressed against his from the man sitting next to him.
The noises he listens to aren't from voices torturing him in his head, are from people valuing life around him. He makes up his own words in mind this time, still spoken by his heart. He is awake, he isn't in bed, he isn't giving up that isn't poetic. He is being him. Not fighting but also not giving up. Not happy but also not miserable. Empty but not lonely. It takes time. It doesn't take one morning, which thankfully started with tears and became smiles. It takes time but Louis has been waiting his whole life that he is able to wait more and more. He will just change and make everything to enjoy while waiting. Because he can still enjoy what's around him while waiting what's ahead of him.
~*~
Harry helps Fiona in the kitchen later, Zoe is sitting in the seat from the island looking at them (because I might be a woman but the kitchen isn't my place, I'm going to make my man do it all for me because I can and why not?!) and Louis isn't able to move because somehow Daisy found his leg comfortable enough to rest her head. So he keeps sitting on the floor looking at the little (not so little) cat, then looking up at his family and Harry, freezing his ass and eventually almost being walked over by Peter who has a ball underneath his arm and is shouting his victory against his father. Louis can't remember the day he played football and actually enjoyed it.
He can't but he will now.
Peter makes him stand up from the floor, he apologises to Daisy and goes outside to play with his brother and dad. He can't think, he doesn't allow himself to. Harry just gives him a quick look before he disappears and he is sure there's a small smile in that expression so everything is okay. It's okay.
He probably doesn't smell the best way and now after starting running and sweating in the middle of the street, it won't make it any better either. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter because his father is grinning, being part of his team – I can deal with both of you, Peter said – asking for the ball and just having that same spirit he used to have when they played football together years ago. Looking at him like he used to look when Louis used to have those games with his team. His father, his family... and Harry, would be there to see him. Louis loved those moments, loved the victories and even the losses because they would still celebrate anyway.
He would look at the benches, smile, maybe miss the ball but his heart would still be so full of pride so maybe – definitely – today he plays as if he is fifteen and has a whole team in a real field playing with and against him. He imagines the houses being the benches filled with familiar faces and there's just that. Him as a kid, him younger, him still having dreams and fighting for them. Him happy.
He doesn't know how long the three of them stay there playing, it's tiring but so, so good. They lose track of who is winning, someone will cheat at the end, but it still doesn't matter. Carl scores another goal and Louis jumps into his back and the man just keeps laughing. Peter protests about it but Louis ruffles his hair, making him groan again but not containing his smile any longer.
After that long time Louis looks at his house and there's Zoe in her phone, Fiona reading some book and Harry sat at the end of the stairs, his elbows in his knees looking at them with the biggest smile on his face. Louis has the ball at his feet but he stops to look better. Harry's smile wasn't meant to be seen, it's obvious by his face when Louis meets his gaze but the blue eyed guy smiles back. Maybe too soon to be in such an old and familiar way but it just so Harry doesn't drop his own.
He loses his ball when Peter runs to it and scores, throwing his arms up in the air when Carl protests loudly and Louis is fifteen and is playing on a field where he catches a fourteen years old Harry on the bench and needs to smile because he is there. He is here.
"I'm tired, I think we should stop here." Carl says breathing heavily and holding his knees.
"Oh, because you're losing. Such an excuse dad." Peter mocks running around the man with the ball on his feet.
"No, because I'm getting old."
"Again, such an excuse, dad." Carl shakes his head and Peter laughs at it, still trying to tease him with the ball so they can continue it.
Louis is lost, he walks towards the house, probably thinking that he had agreed with his brother to stop the game there, but he didn't even say a word.
"Hi." He says, still with that god damn smile on his lips, which he can't even notice having it anymore.
"Hi." Harry answers back, looking up at the smaller guy, same smile, eyes sparkling and Louis wonders if he found the starts. He doesn't think twice about it.
"How are you feeling?" Louis stops in front of him, his legs almost reaching Harry's knees, but they don't touch.
"Very well. You?"
"Sweaty." He chuckles. "But very well too." Harry nods and he shows liking the answer and actually there's no need to exchange more words about what's going on. They see it and it's enough. "Do you want to go for a walk? I don't just –"
"Yes." Harry answers right away. "I mean, yes... like we can go, walk, around." He scratches the back of his neck, looking away noticing that he might have answered too quickly and not letting Louis finish. "Sorry." He says uncomfortably.
"It's all right." Louis chuckles. "Come on then." He says and when Harry looks up at him again he nods and stands up, quickly reminding Louis how tiny he is compared to Harry is, always was. "I'm the older one." He says rolling his eyes, joking. He doesn't expect Harry to understand it, especially now. Now. But he also talked in a whisper so maybe –
"Tiny." Harry giggles, fucking giggles and rests his hand above Louis' head for brief seconds before pulling away and starting to walk. Louis heart melts but he doesn't allow himself to go with the flow. He clears his throat, ignores the look his mother and sister – who clearly stops listening to whoever she is talking to on the phone for a little – give him because he knows it too well. And he knows what is not happening.
He tells his father and Peter that they're coming back in some minutes and follows Harry, which soon is the otherwise because Louis is the one knowing where he wants to take this walk to.
And Harry knows it too. Somehow. When they reach the place he doesn't act in shock, he doesn't look sad, he actually smiles. The grass from the garden looks greener than ever, there aren't much flowers around but the sky reflexes its colours on the lake and it's so beautiful. Louis has forgotten how stunning this was.
"It's been years since I don't come here." He confesses, the shit thing about this is that he could think about his grandfather when this place was mentioned but he didn't. He doesn't. He thinks about Harry. Harry and their first kiss. Harry and the nightmare when he drowns. Harry and the day Louis asked him to be his date for the prom. Harry, Harry and Harry. Louis wanted to stop thinking about Harry because it isn't healthy, it isn't correct, he doesn't even feel the same, but he kind of gave up already. He knows, since always, that Harry would always be a big part of him. He knew it since he was a teenager, who still didn't know he was going to fall in love with his best friend.
"Doesn't it scare you? Coming here now I mean." Harry asks unsure. Louis doesn't even bother to look at him, he knows.
"Now? Now it doesn't scare me one bit." Louis smiles looking forward, looking at two kids running around, two teenagers laid down on the wet grass falling for each other. Harry burns his gaze in Louis and it doesn't hurt one bit. "It doesn't because I know you won't disappear." Louis moves his hand and it slightly touches Harry's. A simple brush and Louis really wants to hold it, but he doesn't. He touches Harry's skin one last time before pulling away and walking forward. "Come on." He calls for the taller guy.
Harry follows him right away and Louis almost feels his legs are giving up when he reaches the same familiar tree and sits down underneath it. It's a bit cold and they didn't bring their coats, so the moment Harry sits next to Louis, by instinct, he gets closer to the green eyed boy till their legs and arms are touching.
Harry freezes with the sudden contact. "Sorry, it's cold." Louis says quietly, now no longer secure of this whole thing.
Harry's shoulders relax, his legs lean more over Louis' and he looks down at the older guy. "It's fine. Really... Fine." He whispers, his voice soft and his touch. His touch is welcome and tender and Louis is about to cry by how he missed this. It's painful even. And to make matters worse, Harry raises his arm to put it above Louis' shoulders and brings him even closer. The warmth from his body invades Louis' and he is just... He's hovering over the clouds.
He gets used to the touch, tries his best to keep himself from shaking and looks up at the sky. It's a greyish blue, the clouds are a mixture of white and a darker tone. He bites his bottom lip, this is happening, he has Harry. He feels Harry next to him and he hates himself for thinking that maybe he will start having him like he needs to from now on. He will get used to it, will get attached –fuck he is already attached and this is the worst. The worst. He is so fucked, he is so going to panic over this. He naturally got used to Harry's presence, to his new wonderful scent, how he doesn't need his father's expensive perfumes anymore to smell like a man but still has a glimpse of a teenager odour on him, how he got stronger and warmer, how he looks gorgeous under the sunlight smiling sweetly and how he still looks gorgeous under the moonlight with tears in his eyes... how he still shows a bit of caring over Louis, how he changed and got stronger and talkative, how he looks at life now, how he is just being himself, how he isn't giving up, how his soft voice still gives Louis goosebumps, how –
"You know I..." Harry starts and Louis lets out a sigh of relief since it stops his thoughts, a sigh that catches the younger man's attention. "Are you... Are you okay?" Harry asks unsure and Louis can't look at him. He is afraid, if he looks at Harry it will show him everything he is feeling and he doesn't want that. However, he can't even be sure if Harry would be capable of that.
But he still snuggles a bit under Harry's touch and slightly leans his head over his shoulder, but not really completely touching. "Yes. Go on about what you were saying."
Harry cleans his throat and his touch loses force around Louis' shoulder almost as if he feels like he doesn't want to touch him for a bit. Louis frowns but Harry's voice interrupts anything that he was about to comment or think about. "The last time I was here... it wasn't that long ago."
"What?" Louis pulls a little bit away but Harry shuts his eyes together and makes him come back to his arms.
"Please, just stay close to me." He softly asks for and Louis is weak and a failure so he can only do what he says so. "I lied when I said that it has been a very long time." He confesses and Louis' whole world stops because what the hell is he listening to. "I came here last year. Around January. I was looking for you." Fuck. "I parked in front of your house and couldn't move." Harry's eyes don't meet with Louis'. Louis sees himself touching Harry's chin to turn his face towards him because he wants to have a look. He wants to have Harry's eyes all to himself. But that doesn't happen. He only keeps allowing Harry's arms around him and being slightly leant over him. "Since I arrived to London I had been with this idea that maybe I was going to find you. See you. But I wasn't really doing for it. So that day I just decided to come here, that maybe I was going to see you. And I did." His voice crakes. "I saw you with a bag next to you, coming out of the house with your family and... now I remember that Zayn was next to you. And he was so close... so close to you. You were smiling at them. They said goodbye to you two. When they shut the door Zayn took you close to him and kissed your forehead. You looked so happy with him. A part of me felt like I saw what I needed to. It made me be sure that you were okay. You passed right in front of my car, you were so close." He presses his lips together tightly and Louis is totally in shock looking at him. "But you didn't see me." He looks at the side at Louis, finally. "So I..." he shakes his head. "I came here, sat in this same place and cried." He chuckles, faintly. "I didn't cry like that for so long but the part of me that felt relieved wasn't enough to cover the part that was sad. Somehow I even had this feeling that maybe you were coming back to me and you would find me here. But you didn't and I didn't go find you either."
"You fucking bastard." Louis pushes him away, Harry's eyes go wide looking at him. "You fucking..." He sighs and stands up brutally. "Why didn't you. Fuck, why didn't you called for me? Why didn't you stop me? Why did you just... You asshole." He shouts, Harry is quick to stand up making an attempt to calm Louis down.
"Do you think it'd be any good? It wasn't the time. I wasn't ready and you sure wouldn't want to see me. Do you remember the way you react when you saw me the first time?"
"Are you kidding me?" He yells again. "You know nothing. I sure would have reacted better by that time. So much... So many shit happened after that day. Everything could have been stopped if you showed up. I can't fucking believe this." He takes his hands towards his hair, pulling it out a little. "A lot would be different now. I could have you sooner in my life but I didn't." he pushes Harry away again, his hands strongly hitting his chest. But Harry takes his wrists in his hands, to stop him to do anything else.
"Louis..." He whispers and Louis looks up at him, his breathe unsteady by now. "Hey..."
"You're a fucking asshole."
"I know." Harry nods and Louis looks away.
"I could have you sooner. I could have gotten better by now." He tries to release his hands from Harry's but he doesn't allow him to.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I disappointed you so much..."
Louis meets his eyes "What are you saying?"
"I'm sorry I left you so broken."
"Harry!" he tries to call for his attention loudly, but Harry's grip just gets tighter and he doesn't hear Louis.
"I'm sorry that I made your life so centred on us."
"Stop it!"
"I'm sorry that I loved you so much."
"Harry, stop!"
"I'm sorry that I wanted you so much."
"Please." Louis cries out, his eyes already wet.
"I'm sorry that I gave up to take care of myself." Louis opens his mouth but no sound comes out, his breathe is caught in his throat. "But you need to understand that I did what I thought it was the best." He pushes Louis' wrists down to bring him closer to his face. "I failed. But we still have time. We're still alive." He says it in such way that Louis understands its meaning so well that makes him want to punch the man in front of him. "And I'm so sorry that my life is still a little big bit of you, especially when you're so close now." He finishes, one of his hands dropping Louis' wrist and leaning it towards his face.
His hand is a bit cold so Louis is sure he can feel how hot his cheek is right now. He caresses Louis' cheek bones with his thumb and slides them all the way down till his jaw. And Louis is hypnotised by the moment and Harry's words... Louis is panicking on the inside but on the outside... On the outside he just looks like the most relaxed dude on planet.
He gulps in dry, Harry's eyes fixed on him, his thumb still caressing his skin and no. No. "No, stop!" Louis says pulling away, from the touch and from Harry.
What is he doing? He can't, Harry can't do this to Louis. Can't disappear and come back and make everything look like anything happened. Well, kind of. But Louis can't allow this. Zayn is the only one who takes care of him now, like this. Harry can't come in like this, even though Louis really wants to, he can't do this.
"You can't do this to me." He half shouts, Harry clearly surprised with his reaction.
He raises his hand to touch Louis but he doesn't allow him to. "Lou..."
"No, don't call me that." And Louis is panicking on the outside already as well.
"Please, Louis." Harry is begging, his tone is desperate especially when Louis starts walking away.
What is he doing? Harry is just right behind him, calling for his name over and over again. Louis, Louis wait. And Louis keeps walking, he always ran away. He always runs away but these last years he didn't have a Harry to call for him, to stop him. No one really called for him. Now Harry is and Louis doesn't know how to stop his legs, he keeps touching the grass, soon hitting the path and walking back to his house. He doesn't know what he wants to. Maybe knows what he needs, just doesn't know if it's the right thing.
What is he doing?
"Louis," Harry grabs his forearm tightly, impossible for him to release himself. He doesn't give him time to protest, Harry is pressing Louis against his chest and keeping him trapped. Literally trapped. "Stop. Please stop. It's okay, shh."
"Let me go." Louis yells, voice broken. He can't stand this, can't have Harry touching him like this, it fucking kills him.
"I've got you. I'm here."
"No, no, no." Louis shakes his head but Harry has his hand in his nape, keeping him steady. Louis isn't even cold anymore.
"It's okay Louis." And Harry can't be using his words against him, Louis is going nuts. "I'm not going to leave you. I want you next to me."
"Harry..." Louis sobs.
"Louis..." Harry chuckles. He dares to chuckle, Louis is almost crying in his chest, panicking and he laughs and says his name like that. After Louis saying his, like that.
"This is not fair." And Harry kisses his head and Louis wants to scream but can't even move with the way Harry's arms are wrapped around his tinier body.
"I have you now. We are okay." Louis wants to shake his head but it seems like Harry doesn't even let him do that. "My Louis..."
"No." And Louis is crying.
~*~
Louis and Harry make the way back to the house when the sun is setting, making the sky a pink and orange colour. Harry looks up the whole way appreciating the view, silence hovers them torturing Louis who keeps looking forward counting the steps they take till they spot his old house, and wondering... wondering why the hell is Harry holding his hand.
Their fingers aren't intertwined (Louis doesn't even think the space between them were made for the other fill it anymore), Harry is just casually holding his hand as if he was a little kid. And Louis looks annoyed because he tried twice – mentally – to release his hand but can't find a way to stop feeling this warm touch.
So it goes thirty one, thirty two, thirty three steps and Louis speaks "Why are you holding my hand?" and his tone isn't even soft, it's almost harsh, showing how annoyed he feels because he never agreed on this. He just cried in Harry's chest because he felt pathetic, then they kept the silence, Louis didn't meet his green eyes and they stood up to walk back and Harry held his hand without a second thought, without a word.
"Because it's just like we used to do." And fuck you Harry Styles. Fuck you because Louis isn't ready for this, Louis is miserable and still hurt, broken and so sad... but fuck you for making him feel things he couldn't even remember he once felt. And that they felt good. And warm and... fuck you.
"Things aren't –"
"I know." He interrupts Louis just showing that he sure doesn't want to listen to the end of that sentence. "But we're trying, remember?" Louis rolls his eyes. Damn you Styles.
When they reach the neighbourhood's street, Louis spots a familiar car, parking in front of the house across his old one and that's the moment he truly tries to release his hand from Harry's bigger one and gets to know that he can actually do it, he wasn't holding tightly all this time.
"Tomlinson!" The guy who comes out from the black, posh car greets him, waving his hand with a huge smile on his face.
"Hey mate." Louis says, his tone not as excited as the young man, but he speeds up his pace to get closer to him quicker.
"Didn't know you were here for a visit." He shakes Louis' hand politely but the way they do it make it seem less formal than it should. It'll probably make Louis' hand smell like expensive perfume later, though.
"Since yesterday." Louis smiles and he bets Harry is a little farther away behind him, probably looking weirdly and uncomfortable looking at the situation.
"Nice to see you!" He smiles widely, there isn't much light on the street but Louis almost feels uncomfortable to be in front of him since he is wearing simple jeans and a sweater while he is wearing a nice white shirt and pants that seem to be from a suit. Well, it was always like this, Louis thinks. "And who's this gentleman?" The guy looks at the side and Louis almost jumps with the sight of Harry next to him, leaning over the guy to shake his hand.
"Hi, I'm Harry. Harry Styles." Louis sees him smiling and where is he? Other dimension?
"Styles, hum? I'm Derek. Derek Johnson."
"Nice to meet you." Louis looks weirdly at both guys. He is so impressed with Harry, he almost forgot that now he works in a coffee shop and deals with people every day. This isn't what Louis was used to. Louis introduced Harry to people because Harry couldn't even speak to them. He wouldn't even introduce Harry to anyone at the end of the day.
"So how's life man?" He looks at Louis now. who takes some time to answer.
"Erm, good. Walking. I mean," he shakes his head. "Going. Obviously not walking because life doesn't have legs. I do. Have legs." Derek nods as if he had heard the most intelligent thing ever from the day while Harry just laughs. "How's your mom?" he decides to go for this.
"She's fine. I just came from a trip so I'm not in tune. Soon will be. What about yours?" Derek laughs too now.
"She's okay. We're all okay." Louis nods.
"Well, you're invited to have dinner tomorrow at our place. I have someone to introduce you." Derek grins and winks.
"My mother told me you got a girlfriend." Louis says with a straight face.
"Why did she have to ruin the surprise?" Derek sighs dramatically.
"It wasn't meant to be." Louis chuckles and then rests his hand above his neighbourhood shoulder. "But congrats man, about time..."
"Than –"
"... to leave your parent's home." Louis completes with a smile and Derek just looks like he is about to slap him. Harry laughs again because it's literally hilarious.
"Thank you Louis." He says then, forcing a smile and a soft tone. "You're so nice, it makes me emotional."
"Oh, no need of that, man." He slaps his shoulder maybe a little too forcefully before letting go.
"Of course." Derek tries to keep the posture but soon starts laughing, giving up on the character. "Well, I need to go now." he says waving and walking towards his house. "But don't forget tomorrow night, my mom will tell yours the details." Louis nods looking at his friend walking away. "And you're invited too Styles." Derek shouts looking at the green eyed boy. "You might miss this house a bit, hum?" He says then, tenderly this time thought, turning around and jogging to the stairs to open the door from his house.
Harry paralyses a bit with the way he said those words, almost as if he knew the memories Harry has been keeping all this time.
Louis puts his hand behind Harry's back, trying to lead him to the other side of the road. "Hey, it's okay."
"Do you think I –"
"You can." Louis smiles when Harry looks down at him. "You're fine." He finishes.
~*~
» what did you think about Harry and Louis' behaviour in this chapter? pretty different from each other and from late chapters but it's important that you can understand what's going on in each minds of them.