CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Crashing, hit a wall
Right now I need a miracle
Hurry up now, I need a miracle
Stranded, reaching out
I call your name but you're not around
I say your name but you're not around
I need you, I need you, I need you right now
Yeah, I need you right now
So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down
I think I'm losing my mind now
It's in my head, darling I hope
That you'll be here, when I need you the most
So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down
Don't let me down
××××
I stumbled across the dance floor, suddenly finding it difficult to breathe.
You know I'm going back to New York tomorrow, Flora.
He had said those words without any hesitation as if he wasn't hurting the way that I was hurting. Was it really going to be that easy for him to leave me again? After the last few days, the last few conversations that we've had, was it possible for us to go our separate ways like two complete strangers?
I didn't want to think about us being in two different continents in less than forty-eight hours. I didn't give a fuck about the physical distance when it was the emotional distance between us which was always the hardest to overcome. Every other problem came in later, but first we had to be clear about what we felt for each other.
I wasn't leaving with so many unanswered questions this time. Not again. I had been living with the feeling of 'what if' since the day Evan left my life. I had been drowning in regrets, wondering what would've happened if I had just done things differently. This time, I wasn't going to wonder. I was going to put my heart on the line, even if it meant shattering it all over again.
I ran into someone, cursing underneath my breath. "I'm sorry," I muttered without looking up.
"Woah, are you okay, Ms Edwards?" It was the same couple I had seen talking to Evan. I quickly straightened up.
"Yes. Yes, I am. Sorry, my mind was elsewhere, I didn't see you there."
The lady laughed. "It's alright. Why are you alone? Where did Evan go?"
"Umm," I squinted my eyes, unsure about what she was getting at.
"Don't be so direct, Sam!" Her fiancé shook his head, but had a smile on his face. "Emily's excitement about you and Evan has passed onto Sam too. Don't mind her."
"Ofcourse it has! Em wanted to see him serious with a girl for so long! It's like a wedding gift for her. Oh, you have to tell us your story! We asked Evan too, but he kept saying you're just Em's wedding planner. Like we're going to buy that after how he kissed you at the rehearsal dinner! I didn't know he was going to be all shy about it later!"
Just Em's wedding planner? Was that all I was to him? My jaw clenched, I couldn't believe he lied to me before when I asked him what these people were talking to him about. I couldn't believe he made all those things up to hide the truth.
Hypocrite. You lied to him because you had feelings for him. He lied to you because he doesn't. This is exactly what you deserve.
"Would you please excuse me? There is something important I need to take care of."
I scrambled through the crowd, a millions thoughts and questions running through my mind. I couldn't start reaching my own conclusions without talking to him first. This is what destroyed us in the first place.
I almost jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I recognised his touch instantly.
"Enough, Flora." he whispered, his hot breath fanning the back of my neck, making my hair stand. I slowly turned around to face him. "Stop trying to run away from me."
"I wasn't running away from you, Evan." I said softly. "This time, I was coming to you. I need to talk to you."
"You're right." he nodded his head, gently clutching my wrist and pulling me away from the crowd. Once we were away from everyone, he turned to me, but I didn't let him to speak as I leaned in and pressed my lips against his.
It was soft, almost fleeting, before I pulled away and looked at him. The warmth of his lips always lingered on mine after our mouths met and that was enough for the moment.
"I just needed to do that before we started yelling at each other." I breathed.
He nodded slowly, his eyes shuffling between my lips, then coming back to my eyes. I wasn't sure if he even heard me. I cleared my throat and took a step back.
"Am I nothing other than your cousin's wedding planner to you?"
"What?"
I sighed. "It's really just a yes or no question, Evan. I need to know."
"Why are you asking me that?"
"Because you lied to me!" I yelled. There we go. "Those people you were talking to before, they asked you about me. And not as Emily's wedding planner, but as your- your- your- whatever the fuck I am!"
He just stared at me, stunned.
"Or should I say, whatever the fuck they thought I am." I sighed sadly. "Just tell me what I am to you. I'm tired of always making guesses. Really tired. I need to know."
"We're going to be in different continents in less than two days."
"That's not an answer. Infact, that's just another reason why I need an answer right now!"
His jaw clenched. I could tell that he was contemplating something, but I didn't know what.
"Do you really think it's that simple, huh?" he grabbed my arm, yanking me to him, his intense gaze making my breath hitch. "Do you think this isn't fucking killing me right now?"
I bit my lips, looking down. He gripped my chin, forcing me to look up. "Tell me. After everything, do you think this is fucking easy for me?"
"No." I whispered. "It's not. But it never was and that didn't stop you before."
He let go of me, turning away in exasperation. He sighed, running his hand through his hair, his jaw tight in annoyance. I heard him curse underneath his breath.
"A lot has changed since then. A lot. It's just.. sometimes I forget." he mumbled. I bit the inside of my cheeks as I felt my throat tighten. "Sometimes it feels like everything is same as it was before and I just let myself get carried away in the moment. I know there are certain things I shouldn't have done. Things that just ended up confusing the both of us. I'm.. I'm sorry for it."
My fingers curled into a tight fist. "You're sorry for it? So you've made up your mind then, huh? You're sorry for letting yourself come close to a manipulative bitch like me again, huh?"
He closed his eyes for a brief moment and sighed, trying to remain patient. Like I was going to let that happen.
"That's not what I meant."
"Thats exactly what you meant."
"Jesus, Flora. Why are you so fucking difficult?"
"I am difficult?" I let out a sarcastic laugh. "You're the one with the mood swings. It's so damn hard to tell what you're really feeling!"
"What exactly do you expect from me?"
"The truth!"
"Oh, you mean like you gave me?"
I know he saw the hurt flash through my eyes because I saw guilt flash through his. But he hadn't even said anything wrong if I really thought about it. I was the one who got us here, not him. I was the one always lying.
"You're right. I should've told you the truth. I swear I tried, but it was just so hard. I-" I shook my head when I heard my voice crack.
"When I told you I loved you," he began, making my heart skip a beat. "I truly meant it. I trusted you the most. You were the only one I let it. The only one."
His mask slipped and I could see the pain and vulnerability in his eyes. My chest tightened. He was hurting just like I was. Only I was the reason behind both of our pains.
"Now see what happened." he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper. I bit my lip, not being able to look him in the eye. It was just too tough.
"But we can't change it. What's done is done. You don't have to... be so mean to yourself. We've both suffered enough."
"You're right. As much as I want to, I can't change the past. But I do have control over the present. I want to tell you what my truth is today."
"I was wrong." I smiled sadly. "What I did, the reasons I did it for, it was all wrong."
Evan's eyes widened slightly, surprised by my confession.
"I was just so hurt. I wanted to ruin people who could ruin others with their money. I thought I could.. avenge my family in some way by doing this." I looked down, overcome by guilt and embarassment. "I got blinded by my anger. I just didn't want to be myself. Doing this, it distracted me, helped me run from my reality. I hated rich people. I wanted to take their everything from them, like it was taken away from me." My voice trembled. I kept my head down, not wanting to see the disgust in his eyes. I was telling him my darkest thoughts, showing him the ugliest parts of my mind. The damaged little girl who couldn't let go of her dead family and used irrational methods to overcome her childhood trauma.
"But people don't need money to ruin each other. Power doesn't change you, it only intensifies who you truly are. And you made me realise that. Not every rich person is bad and not every poor is a saint." my breath was shaky. "Like you and me."
He placed his hand my shoulder as I sneak a look at him. "Don't." he whispered, his finger drawing circles on my skin in a soothing manner.
"But it's true, isn't it?" I smiled sadly. "I remember my first con. His name was Brandon. We were dating and I liked him a lot. I knew he had money, but I didn't know its extent, but that didn't matter. He was sweet to me at first, but then things started to change. I found out about his gambling and drug habits. He wasted money like it had no value and it all just... started coming back to me. How money took my family's life. How my family's life was even less valuable."
"And when I broke up with him and he hit me-"
"He what?" Evan interrupted, his eyes going wild with anger.
I bit my lip. "It reminded me of what happened with my sister. Next thing I know, I'm getting Ella all the information she needs to hack into his account. We're draining his money from everywhere we possibly can and stealing his car."
"It was reckless and sloppy, but once it was done, there was no going back. Next two years we spent hopping from city to city, chopping and dying our hair differently each time, wearing contacts, once even faked an accent and pretended to be Australian. We got better, made some connections and started going for richer, riskier people. But you were still a huge jump from the people we usually...dealt with. I was quite reckless though, I just didn't care. My life was already a mess."
I gulped, glancing at him hesitantly. He was looking at me blankly, his face devoid of emotions. The concern I saw previously had been wiped off from his expression and I wondered if it was gone from his heart too. I just couldn't tell what he was thinking.
"But you weren't who I expected you to be. You entered my life when everything in it seemed to be in ruins and you just started mending it without even knowing." my eyes shone with every emotion I had tried to hide from him. My voice refused to stay steady, dripping with the vulnerabilities I always hid inside myself. I just had to let it all out.
"I tried to deny it at first, but I couldn't stop myself from falling in love with you." I whispered. "I realised how wrong I was. I made so many mistakes. And I probably deserved what you- what you did to me."
"I should've told you earlier, but I was so scared of-of losing you and I just, I-" I sighed, pressing my fingers against my temples. "I don't have any valid excuse for it. I know the things that I'm telling you right now only further put me in a bad light. I just need to say this to you myself. I'll regret it if I don't because I," I stared straight into his eyes. His gaze was intense and his silence was scaring me. His eyes held me captive and I didn't try to break free this time.
"I don't want to lose you again."
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