Lisa POV
I thought that the trip made sense in every way possible. Tivald needed the medicine, most importantly. Also though, I was worried about how much I was enjoying this new family life. Every day was an adventure with children around, fun, exciting. At least, that's how it seemed, but what if I was wrong?
What if I got bored, what if the wanderlust settled in again and I just started looking for my next big adventure? Then I'd be hurting seven young children and Jennie if I couldn't get it under control. I'd made love to Jennie. I couldn't call it anything else. It'd been passionate, pleasurable, and it'd felt better for the budding feelings growing between us. I'd been a little worried she wanted to thank me for going to get Tivald's medicine, that she'd wanted to ensure I'd return with it, and that she hadn't really wanted me.
She'd been so ready though, physically, and had enjoyed our coupling so much that I couldn't worry too much about her reasoning. I was afraid of what I felt for the beautiful, timid wolf. I thought that I was more afraid of hurting Jennie though. We hadn't talked about our situation becoming more permanent, but I couldn't imagine the talk was far off. The children and I got on too well, and Jennie and I ourselves were entering dangerous emotional territory.
I half scolded myself for making love to her. I had wanted to show her how good men could be, but I was worried I wouldn't be good enough, that I'd undo all the good will I'd shown her by being my usual, imperfect self. I couldn't be perfect the rest of my life, and what if my next mistake was a big, damaging one? I supposed at the very least, I wouldn't be as bad as HyunSuk. The directions I'd received were in the form of described landmarks. Rosie had thankfully written it down and even sketched a few things.
The kin could read maps fine, but lacked the fine motor skills to produce detailed versions themselves. It worked out surprisingly well. Thar had given better, general description while Jisoo got a bit bogged down in details that often came in handy anyway. Of course there was no trial by sunrise to see if I could pass back through the mountains. I'd never expected there to be one. I hadn't even believed in the monsters.
Though werewolves had been proven to exist, I found they weren't really monsters after all. Jennie with all her shy timidness just couldn't be thought of as a monster, if you asked me. I found myself humming the old song when I was getting close to the lands where humans dwelt anyway. I'd spent a night out in the wilderness. I liked the outdoors in general, but I did find I missed the kids and Jennie. I wanted to get back to them, for all the things that I wanted to do here among the humans. In the first decent sized town I came to, I sent word ahead to Bambam and Nichkhun.
I didn't bother notifying Ten or my father. One of the others would tell them, and they and I didn't much get along anyway. I had nothing to ask they help me with. I got into the inn I'd planned to stay in late after riding hard on an unknown mare I'd gotten from one of my father's establishments. The inn was near the large town where my father held court. The next morning I got my sister the harp I'd planned to bring back for her, and then finally tracked down a doctor I could trust.
There weren't many I felt I could. Lucas and Nichkhun met me at the inn. Nichkhun brought the books and various other things I'd asked for and looked around in distaste. Unlike in Ten's case, Nichkhun's distaste for things translated to funny awkwardness that I couldn't help but be amused by. "Lis, it's good to see you. We all thought you were dead." Nichkhun said, in a way that implied he'd have rather done this elsewhere. Nichkhun's brown hair was getting a bit too long, which seemed to be it's constant state, just a little longer than was fashionable.
It probably drove our father and Ten nutts. I clapped him on the shoulder and laughed. "No no! I've just been held up is all, and I'm not staying either, heading back." "Back!" Nichkhun nearly yelled in surprise. "Why? What did you find over there?" At least Nichkhun did seem excited to hear the details of what was over the mountains, he had a thirst for knowledge, just no interest in adventuring about to get it. "I found people, Khun, what else? They had a different way of being, far different from ours, but they're still people. I found Rosie married to a lord, and I helped her in a few battles and such. Then I married her sister. I have a wife to go back to, that I want to go back to." I said, smiling.
"A wife?" Bam asked, sitting down next to me and slapping me on the back hard. His hair was short, darker than mine. "At your age? Gees Lisa, why didn't you just take up a mistress huh? Even I'm a little worried how you'll support a woman right now." "Life is more simple over there." I said and flashed Lucas a charming smile. "Did you find a position with the military like you wanted?" I asked him. He'd only just started talking to the right people to get a position, and that was the only reason he hadn't insisted on coming with me over the mountains to get Rosie.
He and Rosie weren't close, but Bam could never resist an adventure. He was my closest brother, besides Rosie, and we'd done a great many things together. "Are these really acceptable matches for people of our station?" Khun asked tentatively. I grinned at him. "Good enough for the fourth son and daughter of the Marques? I'd think so. Besides, no one would have Rosie now if she came back having a wife over the mountains already. It's just as well she's happy there.
And just as well I'm happy there too, since even joining the knights is considered a slight step down for us." I nodded to Bam since it was what he'd decided to do. "I've no hope of being anything respectable in Ten and father's eyes." I shrugged that off. Lucas laughed and pat me on shoulder again. "So what's she like, this wife of yours? I can't believe the two youngest of us are the first to marry!" I told them some details about life with the kin that didn't involve any of the werewolf parts.
Khun eventually left, though Bam stayed a while. I told him more about the fights I'd undergone, again being careful to leave out the werewolf parts. We drank, though I didn't have as much as I usually would have. I didn't want to get so caught up in my affection for my brother that I told him about the kin and got him thinking of some sort of campaign against them. Lucas talked about what was happening in our social circles a bit.
He'd taken up a new mistress, which got him on the topic of women in general. "Do you remember Hyeri? You have to, Rosie's friend you were sweet on here and there. She's in an interesting condition." He said, nodding meaningfully. She was pregnant then, but I also knew she wasn't married. I frowned. "That has to be a mess." I said, counting back to the time we'd been together. I'd flirted with her for ages, and she hadn't been easy to get into bed with.
She'd liked the game as much as I did, a hunt in its own way, thankfully she hadn't expected anything more from me. I'd assumed she knew how to avoid pregnancy, as some women did, and I'd pulled out to reduce the chances, but of course there was no way to be sure you didn't knock anyone up accept to not sleep with them. Where was the fun in that? "You weren't with her recently were you? She's only just started to show noticeably, they're saying she's about three months along, maybe four but no more than that." I let out a sigh of relief and shook my head, giving an embarrassed grin to Bam.
Then I remembered being with Jennie, of course. It hadn't been a full moon, but she might get pregnant all the same, right? I wasn't sure what to think about that. I'd have to examine that one on the way back.
There would be a full moon shortly after I got back to Jennie, so I should probably figure out how I'd feel about children as soon as possible. "They say she's being shipped off to birth the baby, they're in the process of getting her out of town, though of course if I know about it then so does everyone else. She'll probably have to become a mistress herself after this, nothing else for her. No employment, no marriage ..." Lucas frowned. "Sad really, I suppose." I chuckled softly.
Bam was a little slow to realize when situations were bad, when society as it had been mapped out for him was unfair. I pat him lightly in the shoulder and sighed. "It was nice to see you, brother. It'll probably be a long while before I see you again." Lucas frowned. "That's right, you've got a wife now, and soon you'll have children. I might not see you ever again, or for years anyway." "Listen Lucas, don't come looking for me. I'll come back someday to see you, check on you, but don't come looking for me." I gave him a very serious glare to be sure he knew I was serious.
Lucas gave me a strange look, and wouldn't exactly promise. I spent another night in the inn. As I laid there in the discomfort of the strange bed, I thought of Jennie again. She had seven children already, had birthed ten, would she even want children with me? It was one thing to be afraid of being a father now, and another thing to think I'd never have children of my own. Not that I didn't like Jennie's children, they were great. Maybe it was selfish or mean of me to think about wanting more than them.
I sighed. Or there might already be another litter on the way, which made all my other concerns even more troublesome. I seemed to be caught between wanting to know Jennie and I's plans, that we had plans, and worried that I'd mess up anything we settled on. I suppose that amounted to being worried I wouldn't want Jennie and the kids in the end, right? I frowned. I felt like Jennie and the kids were definitely something I wanted. So what? Jennie might not want me permanently.
Perhaps she'd gain footing among the kin and find a male that could be kind to her, decent like I was. He could knot her, which I knew was important to the kin and bonding. Or maybe she'd be happy to be part of the pack and mateless, without any pressure to add to her considerable brood. For some reason, thinking of her moving on made me ache for her, I wanted to hold her, and make love to her again as though to reaffirm that she was mine. But she wasn't mine really, was she? We'd agreed things might be temporary, which seemed to guarantee they would be. I groaned at my own circular thoughts and rolled over.
Eventually I fell asleep. The next morning I had an invitation from one of my best friends to some raucous party he was throwing that night. I chuckled to myself that Traiv would have found me here at this inn so quickly. I can't say the temptation of going to his party and finding a delicate flower to flirt and tease didn't sound appealing, as did the promise of good drink and conversation with friends. The temptation existed, but it certainly wasn't a strong impulse.
I was far more anxious to return to Jennie, I couldn't stop thinking of making love to her again, though there were other things about her I missed as well. I traded the mare for a pony, well built for mountain tails. I packed up the harp, the medicine, and all else. Then I headed off, wanting to spend only one night in the wilderness before getting back to the kin. I hunted on the way, game was plentiful thanks to people not wanting to venture too close to 'Hell.' I was agitated by how long it took me, but finally I came to the Seer's cave.
It was impulsive, my inability to leave lonely people alone. Solar had made her sound so lonely. I figured I would give her a large rabbit I'd killed, and move on home after a brief conversation about the weather or something. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear anything of my future, but we could talk about whatever she wanted if it made her feel better, I'd be as happy a hearing about the future or the rabbit population this year. "Hello?" I called out as I neared the cave entrance. "Lisa, you may enter." A voice called from inside the cave. When I entered there was a white wolf with strange silver eyes sitting along one wall.
She watched me enter and gave a nod. "It isn't often someone comes just to keep me company. I appreciate your thoughtfulness." I grinned and gave her a good bow. "Well I'm told I owe my life to you. I brought you a rabbit I took on my way back through." I offered it happily and sat down, looking around as I did. The main room wasn't particularly heavy decorated, but there were a few side channels to the cave leading off to side rooms that were covered by cloth hangings. "You haven't decided whether you want to know about your future or not, so what else would you like to talk about? Would you like to know how your niece is doing?
Or perhaps you'd like to tell me how Jisoo and Rosie are doing after Jisoo's victory over HyunSuk? Oh, maybe you want to talk about how before you met your current wife you'd thought about coming here to see if I'd like to make love to you and spend a few nights together?" I laughed and blushed, giving her a good wide grin. "Well, don't you know a good deal? I had thought about that." I nodded and looked her over a little, unashamed, but I didn't do anything else.
She was beautiful, I thought, but it was true that I was more interested in getting back to Jennie now. "Do you need me to tell you how Rosie and Jisoo are doing?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. She laughed. "No, I don't, but I appreciate that you would. There are things I am curious about, though. I can see a lot of big events, but details tend to slip away. How do you feel about all that has happened? It isn't common that a wilder such as yourself comes from the human lands with such noble birth in her wake and decides to stay with the wolves."
"It's kind of brutal, I suppose. Even the mating and marriage traditions can be violent. Then what I've heard of some wolves, HyunSuk ... But the more I've thought about it and seen goodness in wolves like Jisoo and Jennie, the more I realize that it's the same goodness and evil that exists in men too. I like that this society the wolves have seems to stay closer to nature and the basics of existence. My society has been losing that, and their sense of adventure." I smiled and shrugged. "It's a better place for me I think." "That's a big decision to make without knowing what lies down either path." She gave me a sly look.
"Wouldn't you like to know what could come of things if you chose to go back and live your life as a noble?" The prospect of knowing the future was kind of frightening to me. It felt less like asking what was going to happen and getting the right answers, as it felt like letting someone write my future. I knew that wasn't how the Seer worked, but I felt like my future was all possibilities and choices, until I let someone tell me the results.
I gave her a nervous half smile, thinking of Jennie and the kids. Maybe she'd have something useful to say about them, know if Jennie and I were going to work out. Did I want to know even that? If the answer was no, I wasn't sure I could enjoy what time I'd have with her, and that seemed worse than anything. "Alright Seer." I said with a sigh. "If you're willing to tell me, I suppose. Do you want anything more than the rabbit?" "You're a lucky one. No matter which way you go, your life is not in immediate danger, so your cost is low. The rabbit, plus a promise to visit me once a month for the next year will suffice. If you agree to that cost, I will tell you what I see, well, parts of what I see. Not all of it would be useful to you." She said with a small, toothy smile.
I smiled more honestly. "Then I agree." I laughed. "I probably would have even if you'd just asked!" At least my life wasn't in danger I supposed. "If you return to your own people, you will find yourself quickly swallowed by a life of surprising luxury. Within a year a friend of yours will offer you a business arrangement of which you can partake for what is, to you, a small amount of money that you will get from your father. The business explodes and you become wealthy beyond imagining. Your earnings guarantee you a life of comfort for years and years to come. You never settle down. You never have any children that you acknowledge, but you never want for company."
"If you return to the wolves and to Jennie, your life will be much harder. There is trouble coming, trouble that you'll never even know about if you leave, but it will be a difficult time for you. You'll work hard all your life, but you'll become strong and respected amongst the wolves of Jisoo's pack. The children you raise will one day start a pack of their own with Jisoo's blessing, but you will have two children who cause you great grief and upset. Jennie never stops loving you." The Seer clicked her teeth a little.
"There is more, but some things are best left unsaid, and the goddess says that if I tell you anymore, I need to demand a steeper price. Sorry." I frowned a bit. The first option sounded nice, but lonely. The second was worrisome, at least when it came to the children. She hadn't said if Jennie and I would have children together, but that a couple of the children we would raise together would cause us 'grief,' which could be anything from having a behavioral problem to dying young.
And the part about Jennie never stopping loving me, well that might mean she dies giving birth to our two troublesome children. But, she'd said Jennie would never stop loving me. I smiled slowly. "So she loves me? Now? Already?" I felt nervous but pleased, grateful that such an amazing woman really cared for me. The Seer laughed. "I'm not sure of that, but she will if she doesn't already. Do you love her, Lalisa? That should be a big consideration in you choosing what you do next. I've told you which way is easier, but sometimes easier is not better.
You are almost spoiled for choices. You will be happy no matter what you do, but you must choose the type of happiness you wish to embrace. Returning to the wolves will, over the long run, cause you more grief and heartache than going home." She closed her mouth. "I really can't say anymore though. I have rules I must abide by." I held up my hands, giving her a sad smile. "I'm not trying to trick you into telling me more than is safe for you." I frowned at my hands. "I might have to come back someday, visits aside. I don't know. Can you tell me if Jennie will be happier if I stay or go? Can I ask that?"
"I can, but do you want to make a choice about your future based upon what is best for someone else and not for yourself?" The Seer asked, and her tone told me this was a question far more important then it seemed on the outside. Well, she'd said herself I would enjoy either choice one way or the other. I already knew which way I wanted to go, but I didn't want my choice to hurt Jeninie. If she were going to be happiest if I went the other way, than I wanted to do what was best for her.
Maybe that meant I loved her. "Yes, I want her happiness to be a part of why I choose the way I do." I gave her a small smile that I hoped told her that I knew that was important. "If you don't go to her, Jisoo chooses another for her, and she is happy eventually, but never as happy as she'll be with you." The Seer replied with a wag of her tail. I nodded, feeling both relieved that Jennie would be happiest with me and a little more worried about this grief and heartache in my future.
Our future. I spent a few long moments making faces at my hands, and then looked back up at the Seer with a wide smile. "Thanks for that. So. How is the pregnancy going? You're a few weeks behind my sister I believe, but that makes a big difference in kin pregnancies. Do you need anything when I come to see you next month?" I asked, smiling and being my usual charming self again. "Being a Seer is interesting in that I can see so much, but there is generally a darkness around myself and my offspring. I know she'll be a daughter, because we always have daughters, Seers, but I don't know anything else about her. I don't know anything about how to take care of her. I'm a little afraid of the whole thing, and more so because I'm alone here. If . . . if you could bring some supplies that might help with a baby when you visit next time, I would much appreciate it." She stood up and I could see that her stomach was getting quite round.
She did a circle to show off her body, and then laid back down where she'd been sitting. "It's funny, for all I know, I know almost nothing about what is happening to me now." I nodded. "I figured something like that. I'll try to bring Jennie by." I motioned to my own body as though displaying it sexually for her. "Clearly this body has never given birth." I grinned and then became slightly more serious. "I'll ask her what you'll need, too. You said you can't see your daughter's future? Rosie thought she was kind of guaranteed to take over for you, live the same life you have pretty much."
The Seer's smile seemed to falter a little. "That is what is intended, but this life isn't for everyone. The goddess wants my daughter to take my place, but I don't know if that's what she'll want for herself. This life is . . . well, it's difficult. People hate me. They're afraid of what I am and what I know, but they all want to know the future so they keep coming, and I do love my connection to fate. I have helped good men accomplish great things. I'm proud of that, but it's not enough for everyone."
"If it helps, Rosie doesn't hate you. Exactly. She doesn't want to see you, and I know they're worried about your daughter with Jisoo. They want her to be happy, and I know Jisoo wishes she could be a part of her life. I guess the good news there is that if she wants to see another way of life, or try it out, they'd be more than happy to try and help her figure out where she wants to be and what she wants to do with her life." I shrugged and smiled apologetically.
"Rosie doesn't hate you, the situation, the circumstances, the questions around your daughter's future happiness ... Those things she hates." The Seer sighed. "Well, she is one of the few. That was one of my least favorite costs to extract. It wasn't that Jisoo was mean about it . . . I just didn't want it. She didn't either, and it wasn't nice for either of us. I know it hurt Jisoo and Rosie, but I don't get choose what I ask for, not on big things.
The goddess gives me some leeway on smaller things, like the rabbit, and your promise to come see me. She didn't want anything from you of particular value, so I made a request based on what I wanted." She smiled a little. "Sorry if it'll be inconvenient, but I don't get company often." "Ah that's ok, as I said I would have done it just for the asking. I can't leave people I perceive as lonely alone. It's a thing." I shrugged. "And Solar made you sound lonely, so I had to come." I frowned a little, remembering her death.
"I suppose you already know she passed in the fight for control of the pack." "Yes, I know." She said quietly. "I knew it was a strong possibility when I sent Jisoo away, and as events got closer to boiling over, it became clear what strand of fate had been selected. It was very sad to see her go, and I'm sorry you lost her. I know you two were close." I always felt awkward when my own connection to Solar came up, and I was suddenly reminded that I'd always felt similarly when people express regret for me at my mother's death.
It was just for opposite reasons. I hadn't known my mother well enough to really miss her beyond maybe that first year or so. Solar I didn't feel like I had a right to mourn considering my connection with her compared to what others had. I shook my head and sighed. "I... It's getting easier with time I think. That's the best I could ask for I suppose." I shrugged and smiled a lopsided grin. I didn't know what else to say about it.
I spent a little more time with the Seer, and then stood. I really was eager to get back to Jennie, and even if Tivald would live a long while without the medicine, the longer he went without the less comfortable he'd be. "Thank you for letting me in, Seer. I'll be back next month, and I'll try to bring Jennie and some baby supplies." I bowed to her. "It was my pleasure. I don't often get company, and especially not company that actually wants to see me." She said, and she watched as I turned to go.
I went quickly from there, leading the pony in the dark for some of it. I was happy to get home, though I knew the kids would be in bed already. I'd be with them in the morning, and the thought of waking up to their sleepy, early morning laughter was exciting. As was getting to walk in to Jennie, done with taking care of scrapes, bumps, and listening to nonsensical jokes for the day.
I'd missed her. I'd been away four nights, just after we'd made love for the first time. There were emotional and physical reasons why that wasn't so grand a thing, but now I'd be back to sooth Runa's concerns and smother out my own doubts.