It was a grueling total of twelve-hour wait for the surgery to finish, but all the anguish he dealt with was replaced with relief when he was finally told that it had been successful.
Bin was told that the screws and rods are in place to re-align her spine. They had a bit of difficulty managing her heart rate just as they were getting started on the surgery but fortunately, it stabilized. Though the surgery was successful, she was going to be closely monitored in the ICU for her cardiac issues.
Ye-jin was taken into the recovery room for two hours before being transferred to the surgical intensive care unit where Bin was already waiting for her. She fell asleep shortly after the transfer, not having a clue how crucial the next while was going to be.
When Ye-jin woke up, the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was Bin giving her a warm smile.
"Yejie," he said quietly as he leaned forward to brush his finger against her cheeks. "Hi, sleepyhead."
She gave him a weak smile. The comfort in seeing him there was beyond what she could explain. She was about to reach for his hand that was caressing her cheeks when she realized his other hand was already holding on to her, making her smile more.
"Hi," she said softly, barely making a sound.
"How are you feeling?" He asked softly.
Ye-jin took a deep breath before looking in his eyes again. "Could be better," she answered honestly.
Bin continued to lightly brush his thumb on her cheeks. "How bad is the pain?"
"Manageable," she said.
He watched as her eyes roamed around the room to get a feel for her surroundings. She closed them briefly while taking a deep breath before opening them again. She was so groggy following the surgery, she could barely remember what happened when she woke up from it.
Ye-jin looked up and saw two screens to the side of her head, one was connected to the leads on her chest to constantly monitor her heart. There were IV channels running multiple lines on two different IV sites on both of her arms, a pulse oximeter was kept on her finger and the nasal cannula still in her nose for her increased oxygen requirements. She tried to figure out where the sounds were coming from because there was beeping from the machines above her head, her side and at the foot of her bed. She felt as though there was so much going on around her and with her.
"You're in the surgical ICU, Yejie," Bin explained as he watched her eyes wander around.
"ICU? What happened?" She asked when she looked at Bin again.
"You had a rough time after you came out of surgery yesterday," he replied softly while stroking her forehead.
"Yesterday?" Ye-jin didn't realize it had already been a day since she had the procedure.
As if on cue, the doctors and nurses walked in just as Bin was about to explain. Bin got up and was about to give them room but Ye-jin gave his hand a weak squeeze, meaning she wanted him to stay by her side. He gave her a nod and a smile while holding on to her, staying by her side as the doctors explained the events during and after the surgery.
In spite of it taking longer than expected, the surgeons were pleased with the results and there was no concern with regards to the procedure itself. She was taken into the ICU for cardiac monitoring and she had been sedated the previous day and throughout the night because the physical stress of the surgery and pain was causing her heart to be in distress.
"You look much better than you did yesterday," the doctor observed. "You were in a pretty rough shape because we couldn't stabilize your vitals. All of this is really putting a strain on your heart but you're going in the right direction today. You're already looking much more settled. We'll keep you here for another day and if you continue to progress well tomorrow, we'll transfer you to the orthopedic unit. In the mean time, let's keep up with pain management so you don't strain your heart too much, okay? If the infusion is not managing your pain, let your nurses know so we can make some changes."
Ye-jin gave a subtle nod and thanked the doctor.
"We need to get you moving in bed today so we'll have the physical therapist come in later for some bed exercises. We also need to get your lungs working more so Bin here is gonna make sure you do your breathing exercises frequently," the doctor said with a smile while looking at Bin. "We really don't want other complications like pneumonia to interfere with your recovery period."
"Yes, Doc," he replied with a smile.
"Okay, Doc," Ye-jin said, though a little overwhelmed with all that was going on.
"We also need to make sure you don't develop blood clots so we'll keep the compression device on your legs until you're able to walk around. I know it might be annoying having it inflate on and off but we need to keep the blood flow going while you're lying in bed."
"Okay," she said again while listening intently.
"Let's get you on your side so we can take a look at your surgical site," the doctor said, prompting the nurses to log roll her to her side to make sure her spine remains straight with movement.
Bin had to let go of her hand to make room for them so he took a step back. He watched as she bit her lip and winced at the extreme discomfort, trying so hard not to moan in pain while being rolled on her side. He felt the lump in his throat forming when her eyes began to water.
Her eyebrows met and she let out a quiet groan as they got her on her side.
"Don't hold your breath, Ye-jin," one of the nurses said while rubbing her shoulder gently. "The pain only gets worse when your body is tensed."
She closed her eyes and took deep breaths, her facial expression showing the discomfort she was in while the doctor checked on her incision. Bin looked at the monitor as her heart rate increased with the pain. She was the type to admit when she was in pain but never really shows just how much she was struggling inside. She braves through it and keeps it all to herself. The fact that he was able to have a good idea of how much pain she was really in through her increased heart rate on the monitor crushed him inside. He felt a bigger lump in his throat when a tear escaped from her closed eyes.
He took a deep breath himself and ran his palm down his face, feeling helpless.
"It looks good," they heard the doctor say while walking around to the side she was facing. "We'll get them to change the dressing now that you're on your side, okay? Usually, we'd want you to try walking the day after your surgery, which, in your case, is today. But in your situation, our goal for today is bed exercises, and tomorrow we need to get you walking. We're gonna leave your foley catheter in until then. How are you doing so far? How's the pain?"
"I'm okay," Ye-jin answered, though Bin could hear the struggle in her voice. "It's the moving that's really bad."
"Alright, let's work on managing that pain then, okay? Because we can't risk complications with you being in bed all the time. We need to get your lungs working too so we can get you off the oxygen."
"Okay, Doc," she politely replied.
The nurses changed the dressing on her back while the doctor gave an order for an extra dose of pain medication before rolling her back. Once they were finished, they carefully log rolled her onto her back again, the pain still making her grimace. She closed her eyes again and took a couple of deep breaths in to calm herself down.
After all the nurses left her room, Ye-jin immediately held her hand out to Bin, which he took and softly kissed.
"I'm okay," she reassured him with a smile when she read the expression on his face. "Nothing I can't handle."
It was right then and there, seeing her smile so genuinely despite being in pain, that made him crumble inside. He thought of how she could still manage to make him feel better with her smile when she herself have had to endure such agony. He thought of the crash, the cardioversion, the surgery, her unstable heart rate, her pain.
All the strong front he put on over the last two days has come down. Seeing first hand all that has happened to Ye-jin and what she's going through, he knew he was reaching his breaking point.
Bin took a deep breath and gave her a faint smile, his one hand stroking her forehead again. "You're such a trooper."
Ye-jin watched as his eyes turned glassy, making her frown. "Hey, what's wrong?"
He swallowed the lump in his throat to stop the tears from coming but they fell anyway. He lowered his head to avoid her eyes.
"It's really hard seeing you like this, Yej, really hard."
The sight of him that emotionally vulnerable also broke her heart, making her eyes water as well.
"My Beanie's crying again," she teased, trying to make light of the situation while wiping his tears. "I've never seen you cry until what happened the other day."
Bin shook his head and lowered it even more as his tears kept pouring out because he couldn't find the words to describe the torment in seeing her in such a state.
"Beanie," Ye-jin reached for his jaw and made him look at her. He had a frown on, his eyes were red and his face was wet with tears.
He kept shaking his head while trying to calm himself down before he could speak. Bin's shoulders shook as he sobbed quietly beside her while holding on to her. She didn't know what to say to bring comfort to him so she held his face in her palm instead, wiping his tears.
"I could have lost my Yejie," he finally said, his tears pouring out even more. He brought her hand to his forehead and looked down, his shoulders shaking while he sobbed harder. "I could have lost you."
"Beanie..."
He looked up at her and kept shaking his head. "What could I have done, Yejie? Nothing. There was nothing I could have done. No matter how much I wanted to make everything okay, there was nothing I could do. You would've just slipped out of my reach and left me just like that."
Ye-jin's tears fell continuously down her face while keeping her eyes on him. She could tell that he was in as much pain as she was, except his was emotional and mental torment.
"I could have lost you," he said again. "I could have lost you from the crash. I could have lost you if your heart gave in during that race. The doctor told me yesterday that if the crash didn't happen, there was a slim chance that you would've finished because your heart just can't handle it. Your heart could have stopped in that car, Yej. You could've died that day."
She tightened her hold on his hand and swallowed the lump in her throat.
"You could've died right there," he said as he frowned even more. Even just saying it outloud felt like his heart was being pierced with an arrow. "Why did you do the race? Why did you risk your life like that, Yej? I almost lost you."
"Beanie," she whispered, unsure of how to comfort him. "I'm sorry."
Bin kept shaking his head. "I can't lose you, Yejie. I can't not have you in my life. I can't. I just can't. I hate myself for wasting so much time, for settling with what we had, because I wanted more. I wanted more with you and I thought I wasn't gonna have that opportunity anymore. I can't lose you, Yejie. I can't."
"You didn't lose me, Beanie," Ye-jin said softly to him. "You're not gonna lose me. I'm right here."
"I almost did, Yej. I almost did."
"But you didn't," she said while wiping his tears.
"You have no idea how terrifying and painful it was," he said while looking at her. "I was afraid that I was gonna fly home by myself, that I was going to be sitting in the plane by myself while you're..."
He crunched his eyebrows and closed his eyes, unable to say the words.
"We're gonna fly home together, Beanie," Ye-jin said to him. "You don't have to worry about that anymore."
"I can't not worry about that, Yej. I'm still scared," he said while tears continuously fell from his eyes. "You looked settled when they transferred you here and then all of a sudden, you started crashing."
It broke her heart seeing how he was an emotional wreck and she couldn't blame him. She would be just the same if she was in his shoes.
"They couldn't stabilize your vital signs and I thought I was gonna lose you, Yej," he said in almost a whisper.
"I'm sorry, Beanie," she said to him while looking in his eyes. "I'm sorry you're going through this."
"Don't risk your life again, please, Yejie. Please. I know we couldn't stop the crash but you still could have died because of your heart problem."
Ye-jin wiped his tears and nodded at him.
He looked at her and savoured the sight of her alive, awake and breathing in front of him.
Bin remained quiet. They held each other's hands while they allowed each other to calm down. He was no longer sobbing but his tears kept falling.
Ye-jin looked at him and felt guilty for causing him so much pain.
"I wanted more, Yej, and I still want more. I can't lose you. I don't want to lose you," he finally said.
Through his tears, he looked deep into her eyes and poured his heart out even more.
"I love you, Yejie. I love you so much."
Ye-jin brought her hand to his face to wipe his tears again and caress his cheeks. "I know, Beanie. I know. I love you too."
Bin shook his head, thinking she didn't understand what his confession meant, and held her hand in both of his.
"Yejie," he began saying when she cut him off.
"I know, Beanie. I know exactly what you mean, and I love you too," she said softly while smiling through her tears.
Bin's eyebrows met, unsure if she was understanding him correctly.
Ye-jin read the expression on his face and looked deeper into his eyes. "I love you too, Beanie."
When he finally understood what she said, his heart skipped a beat. For a moment there, the chaos in his mind settled down and focused on those five words.
"Can you say that one more time?" He asked.
She smiled and cupped her palm on his jaw as she looked in his eyes, gladly repeating her words. "I love you too, Beanie."
Bin finally smiled. He stood up from his seat and slowly bent over her to kiss her forehead. They both closed their eyes as he rested his forehead against hers.
"I love you so much, Son Ye-jin," he whispered while their foreheads touched.
"I love you so much, Hyun Bin."
At a time of the greatest suffering they shared together since they became friends, an unexpected confession began their relationship as a couple. Hand in hand, armoured with the love they have for each other, they're fighting through one of the most difficult times they will have to endure in their lifetime.