Jane:
So. That just happened.
I was still stunned. My heart wouldn't stop it's rapid pace and I felt like I was living in a dream.
If it was a dream, then I wanted to sleep forever.
I felt safer than I ever had before with Owen in this little row boat. I had this indescribable feeling, making it impossible for me not to smile.
It was getting late and I was tired. Owen could probably tell because he began to row the boat back to shore.
I didn't want the night to end, but I knew it had to. We slowly got in the car, both of us a little shook from the events that just took place.
We sat there in silence for a while, I had no words. I had wanted this to happen for years and now that it finally did, I had some real thinking to do. I had a lump in my stomach that wouldn't go away. Then I remembered.
"Jane I-"
"Wait." I cut him off, raising my hand. I covered my mouth with my other palm and shook my head. "What did I just do?" I panicked.
"What do you mean?" Owen said. He had worry and confusion written all over his face. He shifted in his seat to look at me.
Tears ran down my cheeks. "Owen, I have a boyfriend." I said, ashamed at my own words. "How could I have done this to Jack?" I asked myself out loud.
"I know, I know. My timing was wrong. I didn't mean to hurt anything with Jack, I shouldn't have told you like this." He stuck his hands in his hair, pulling at the strands. He was stressed out.
"But Jane, you can't do this. I've waited so long. Don't back out now." he whispered the last part, looking at his lap.
I grabbed his hand, causing us to lock eyes. "I get it. And I don't want to back out. But I'm in a relationship."
A tear rolled down his cheek and he made no motion to wipe it away.
"Does he make you happy?" He asked. My tears started to spill out and I shook my head. I needed to be honest with him, and with myself. No, Jack didn't make me happy.
"Then why can't we?" He asked, tugging on my hand.
"You're my best friend. What if this doesn't work out and we're never the same again? I can't lose this." I stated, ignoring the tears that continued to stream down my cheeks.
Owen didn't reply. He just started the car and left the lake.
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Owen:
I had never gone from being so happy to so lost this fast. The wind was knocked out of my lungs, I was speechless.
It hurts the worst when the person that made me feel so special in one moment makes me feel so unwanted now.
I was in the best place of my life five minutes ago, and now everything was crumbling. My worst fear was becoming a reality. I had no idea how I was gonna deal with it anymore.
I drove in silence, keeping my eyes on the road. Jane called out to me a few times. I could hear her voice breaking every time she spoke. It hurt me more than I thought was possible. But I had to remember, I couldn't just pull her into my arms and tell her everything would be ok, that I was here to take care of her no matter what. I couldn't do that because that's not what she wanted.
She didn't want me.
So each time she called my name trying to get my attention, I didn't look at her. How could I? I didn't trust myself. My heart was shattered into millions of pieces.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep breath. This would have been so much easier if she hadn't led me on. At least then I wouldn't have anything to miss.
But because of tonight, I did have something to miss. She kissed me. I could still feel her lips on mine, making this rejection hurt even worse.
She told me she loved me. She said it with her own mouth, her own words. She had fallen for me, but maybe not as hard as I had fallen for her.
I brushed my hair out of my face. I felt like I was being suffocated, all I wanted to do was run. I wanted to run as far as my legs could carry me.
I wanted to wake up. I was hopeful that this was just a bad dream and not something that was actually happening to me. But I knew it was real. Our kiss? That was real. When I touched her? That was real.
Those were things I would never forget, no matter how much I wanted to.
I finally pulled up to Jane's house and parked the car. I sat and stared at my lap.
"Owen-"
"Don't. I can't hear it anymore." I said, my voice breaking. Holding back my tears was getting to be impossible.
"Ok." She said and opened the door. "Are you gonna come inside?"
There was no way I was going in that house now. Not like this. Being so close to her, I wouldn't be able to control myself.
I shook my head. "Owen please." She begged, her voice shaky. She reached into the car and grabbed my hand.
I quickly pulled it out of her grasp and shook my head again. "Someday, I will be your girl Owen, I promise you that. Today is just not our day."
I didn't respond. She finally nodded and began to walk inside.
Once her back was facing me I finally looked up at her. Even with tear stained cheeks she was beautiful.
Once I got home I collapsed on my bed, finally letting all the tears fall. Once they started, there was no stopping them. I sobbed for hours.
Jane was gone. She's not mine anymore. I failed. Maybe I wasn't good enough for her.
I kept wracking my brain, what all just happened? Why did Jane push me away?
I began to wish that the night never happened in the first place. Before, I used to just imagine what we could be like, how Jane and I would act if we were in a relationship. And tonight I got a piece of that, a piece that was better than anything I could have hoped for.
Jane gave me a glimpse of the life I always wanted, then took it away.
How was I even supposed to act now? Did she want me to act normal? Go back to being friends agin? Was I supposed to be a stranger to her? These were both things I couldn't- no, wouldn't do. I refused to push my feelings aside any longer. If Jane wasn't sure about her own feelings yet, then I'd fight until she was.
I'd fight until she was mine, and I'd fight until she had no doubt in her mind that we were made for each other.
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Jane:
What just happened? What had I done? The house was dark when I got home so I quietly snuck into my bedroom.
I hadn't stopped crying since Owen drive away. My heart broke thinking about what I had just done to him. He set up everything, he made a huge gesture and I had said yes.
But of course, like always with me and Owen, something got in the way. And that thing was Jack.
I had loved Owen for years, still do, but I'm with Jack. I couldn't be the girl to hurt some like that. Kissing Owen was the best thirty seconds of my life. But it felt wrong because I was cheating on Jack. I couldn't do that to him.
Did I want to be with Owen? Yes. Did I want to break up with Jack? I wasn't sure.
I cried harder. Why didn't I know? Why couldn't I just be with Owen like I've always wanted? What was stopping me from being brave?
If Owen had told me this before I went away to college, I would have stayed for him. He was my life, I'd do anything for him.
But he didn't, and here we are. Being with Owen felt right, but after thanksgiving I was going back to college, without him.
I'd say yes with 100% certainty if Owen has confessed two months ago. But now? It just felt like he was too late.
Eventually, my pillow soaked up all my tears and I drifted off to sleep.