May 30, later
A day in Victoria's shoes:
Last night, Jonathan gave me beautiful amethyst earrings that I shall wear for eternity. Gently, he fastened them, touched his lips to mine and took a step back as if admiring a painting. He raised one of his perfect eyebrows and winked. I laughed, of course. He joined in, and we soon collapsed onto those old seats in the drawing room that Mother insists on keeping even though they are much too soft. We sank into them and laughed even harder. Mother, who said she had heard us from her dressing rooms, rounded the corner and scolded us for such foolishness at our age. I do not know how we managed, but we held in our laughter until she disappeared out the front door on her way to one of her numerous charity events.
Jonathan carried me up the stairs, and I melted in his arms as I do each night when we are together. The feeling of his hands unwinding my hair from its rigid knot and untying the ribbons of my heavy gown set me free. I told him I will touch these precious earrings every time he leaves for one of the business trips that I so detest, and by this modest gesture, he will remain close to me. He shall leave tomorrow for a fortnight. I refuse to think of it.
I wept all morning, but only after Jonathan left. I had not wanted to upset him before such a long voyage. Mother said I was being ridiculous, but I did not care. I told her I was feeling quite ill and needed time alone. That is why I was especially angry when she ordered me into the drawing room to visit with Edward. He was the last person I wished to see. I understood the love-hate relationship between Jonathan and him, the competitiveness between these two brothers who were so very different. Do I dare write on these pages the secret I have never told anyone? Oh, how good it would feel to relieve the suffering by at least expressing it somehow. I cannot resist... Edward tried seducing me last summer as I sat drawing under the weeping willow. He pulled me roughly against him, saying it was impossible for a woman to resist his allure. I did not dare to scream for I knew Jonathan would hear, and I did not want to turn him against his brother. So I did the only thing I could. I kicked him. He nearly screamed, and I started crying, having scared myself with my own aggressiveness. Then I ran blindly into the house, and when Jonathan saw me crying, I told him I had narrowly escaped an attack by a swarm of hornets. Now, I almost laugh as I remember my silly excuse, but when I think back to Edward, fear overcomes me. I shall do anything I can to avoid being alone with him.
Several pages savagely ripped from the little book, as if torn out in a fit of rage.
It cannot possibly be true that Jonathan loves another. I refuse to believe it! Not after his joyous return yesterday, not after that passionate night. "You encounter plenty of beautiful women on your voyages," I said after he whispered "you are beautiful" in my ear. "Do not say such things!" he hissed as if I had struck him. "Jealousy does not suit you, Victoria! You know that I love only you." Then I covered him with kisses and tried to forget the words Edward repeated over and over with each visit. How I despise him!
A few pages about an afternoon in the park with one of Victoria's cousins, followed by beautiful drawings of birds, flowers and then a portrait of a couple I instantly recognized: Victoria and Jonathan, obviously drawn by the young woman herself. My breath caught in my throat as the images matched ones I had seen in my dreams. Jonathan's slim face with a high forehead and almond-shaped eyes, and Victoria, with a haughty gaze and a long rope of curls falling over one shoulder. I stared at the image as if I could somehow penetrate their hearts and minds through it. And then, just as I got too close, I shuddered and turned the page.
I went with him. I did not want to, but he pushed me by force. Oh, I do not know how I can even write with the tears streaming down my face, blinding me. My beloved Jonathan slipping out the door of that brothel. How could it be? How could he do such a frightful thing to us? Edward held me in his arms for so long afterward, but finally, I pushed him away. I did not want anyone's pity.
What could have been old tearstains left strange wrinkled marks on the paper. More ripped pages, obviously torn out with one angry swoop.
God forgive me for what I have done and what I am about to do. I have no choice. I thought he betrayed me, and in the end, I was the betrayer. I was the one without faith in our marriage, without faith in him. How I regret my mistakes, but it is too late. My heart is broken because I have broken his! Jonathan, if you ever read this journal, please know that I love you more than life itself. Please forgive me for hurting you. Everything between us will be over in a few moments... It is better this way.
Victoria's words opened the floodgates that had trembled when I had come to the realization that all Destiny had said was true. This story had been my own, and right at that moment, as I held the diary in my hands, years of suffering flowed down my cheeks in the form of tears.
I had to see Will. How foolish I had been to lie to him and to myself. By turning my back on him, I thought I could escape everything I didn't want to accept. But that was impossible. The story of Victoria and Jonathan would haunt me forever unless I made an effort to put it to rest. And I could only do that by loving Will.
It was time for me to leave The Grand East Hotel. I didn't understand everything that had happened there, but suddenly, it didn't matter. What was most important was rushing back to New York, where I would find the reality I had been blindly seeking for so long.
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