chapter song - Take Yourself Home by Troye Sivan
It's quiet.
Again.
I don't know why I bother being constantly surprised at being left alone and in the silence. The people that used to be around me, filling the empty spaces in my apartment and making the days and nights less solemn. They're not here anymore.
No, they left with everyone else.
They left with the paparazzi. The fans. The people that supposedly gave a crap. It's just the sad fucking cycle of my life.
Everyone leaves.
"Why are you moping about?"
I look up, catching Kyle staring at me with his eyebrows raised. He has a bag of takeout in his hand and I curse myself at not even hearing him enter the apartment. Great, now someone can come in and murder me without me even knowing.
"What do you think?" I grumble back.
Kyle rolls his eyes and I throw my arm over my eyes from where I'm lying on the couch by the wall-length windows. It only takes me until now to realize that this couch is uncomfortable as hell and probably cost a ridiculous amount of money.
A bag of hot food gets thrown at my lap and I groan louder.
"Come on, you have to eat," Kyle says, taking a large bite out of his burger.
I sit up and Kyle huffs out a laugh when I pout. I glance around the living room as I eat a handful of fries.
Almost everything is gone. A few boxes are left on the ground and piled on the countertops in the kitchen. But the rest is barren and empty. The movers will be coming back in the morning to take the rest of the furniture into storage and Kyle is going to oversee the stuff I'm selling.
Thank God for the few friends I have left that give a shit.
My eyes go to the suitcase in the corner by the door.
"Aren't you excited at all?" Kyle asks.
I sigh. "I'm sorry. Yes, of course I'm excited. I know I've been...kind of a dick lately."
Kyle shrugs. "It's fine, I get it."
And I suppose he really does. He's probably the only one that notices how I slow down when I reach out for something on instinct before I remember my injury. He's the only one that sees my massaging my neck because the area around my shoulder is still too tender to touch. He's the one that visited me at the hospital for weeks. He's the one that watched me crumple when I had to retire from football.
"You'll figure something out," Kyle says. "There's going to be something that comes up and just happens to make sense. And the change of scenery will do you good. You can just relax and not have to think about anything."
"You know, when you said you had a second apartment in a great vacation spot, I was expecting something a little more tropical than Canada," I say.
Kyle grins. "Toronto can be tropical."
"Not a huge change of scenery," I say. "But I'll take what I can get. Thanks, by the way. For doing all of this. You didn't have to."
"I know," Kyle says. "But you've been a good friend for a long time. College buddies stick together."
I smile and nod. "College buddies stick together." I finally bite into the burger and realize how hungry I've been, sitting around the apartment all day and waiting to eventually get out. "You're going to come over and visit, right? I'm not sure what kind of night life I'm going to have if I know no one."
"I'll visit," Kyle says, sitting on the armchair opposite me. "But, this isn't the time for you to get shit-faced at a club." I try to protest and Kyle holds his hand up. "Come on, Ty. We talked about this. You don't need to go to more stupid clubs to get drunk and try and pretend like this isn't what's happening. You did enough of that when you got into the league. And it didn't work out for you then, so it's not going to now."
I sigh and put the takeout bag on the ground in front of me. "I know you're right. It's just...hard. Everything was so fast paced before, I felt like I was moving a million miles an hour yet I was barely even able to move my feet forward. And now everything is frozen and going backwards and I have no idea where I am anymore." I look up at Kyle and he gives me a sad smile. "What do you do when everything you had planned out for your future disappears?"
"I don't know," Kyle says honestly. "But I hope you find the answer over there."
***
The flight leaves at ten but I'm already at the airport at seven.
I was never one to like waking up early but over the years I've learned to just get used to it. It was needed as part of the job. But now, there isn't a job. There isn't even anything secure about a future job. And just the idea of that makes my entire brain go to shit.
The more I think about it, the more I panic. The more I tell myself to not think about it to stop panicking, the further I panic myself.
I grab a coffee and sit a seat by the window so I can watch the planes come and go. The airport isn't too busy and there's a calmness in the air which is nice. I always liked airports. Not a lover of planes, but there's something about an airport that was always weirdly comforting to me.
I text Kyle to say that I'm waiting to board and then bring up my recent calls, quickly pressing down on a name near the top. It only takes a few rings before she picks up on the other end.
"Baby!"
"Hey mom," I smile.
"How are you? You're flying to Toronto this morning, right?"
"Yeah, I'm at the airport now," I say. "Flight leaves at ten."
"I'm glad you're going," Mom says. "It'll be good for you. You can finally leave that apartment, because I don't care what you say, you never liked it. It'll be nice for you. You could even find someone..."
"Okay, that's the end of that train of thought," I cut her off.
"Alright, alright," Mom says. "I'll shut up about finding someone. You were just working so much that you barely ever went out with people. You were struggling keeping up with friends, let alone anything else."
"I know Mom," I sigh.
"We just worry about you," she says. "Which is why this will be good."
"Yeah," I nod. "I know, this will be good for me."
"You want to speak to your dad before you head off?"
"Yeah, actually," I say, sitting up straighter and taking a sip from my coffee. "You can put him on."
"Alright honey," she says. "Have a safe flight, call us anytime you're bored. I love you so much."
"Love you too Mom," I smile. "Bye."
There's a moment of pause before the line crackles sightly and I can hear a huff on the other end.
"Finally fleeing the country?" My Dad asks and I grin.
"You're hilarious."
"I'm aware," Dad says. "How you holding up?"
"Okay," I shrug. "I mean...I could obviously be better."
I shift position when my shoulder pulls a little too much and move the phone to the other arm to stop disrupting it. I scrunch the hood of my sweater up under my neck to support it and watch as a couple walks past me to get to their gate, aggressively arguing the entire way.
"I know," Dad says. "But look, uh, I'm proud of you for doing this. I know it wasn't easy to walk away from everything and leave your life behind. It takes a lot to do that. And I'm just glad you're taking care of yourself. This will be good for you. Even if nothing much comes out of it, it's worth it just so you can finally get a break."
I swallow thickly through a huge fucking wave of emotions because for some reason everything is getting to me today and of course it would take Dad being sincere to get me overwhelmed.
"Um." I let out a long, shaky breath. "Thanks. Thanks, Dad."
"We'll always be proud of you, no matter what you do. Remember that, yeah?"
I nod and clutch the phone tighter. "Yeah. I'll remember."
"Good," Dad sighs. "Good. You uh...you probably have to..."
"Right, yeah," I say. "The flight."
Dad laughs a little. "Alright. Love you, kid. Be safe."
"Love you too," I say quietly and sigh when the line goes dead, tucking the phone back into my pocket.
I slump back into the seat, drawing the hood over my head and taking a moment to get myself together. I glance at the screen hanging above me and gulp when I see 'Toronto' printed on the screen among a bunch of other flights. This is probably my only chance to figure myself out. And if I don't do it during this trip, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to.
___________
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