Chapter 47 - A World On Fire
Kala: Hey! What's on for ur bday wknd? Haven't seen you in almost two months. I need my Ani! I'll try to get off work. U should come down.
Me: Aww, that sounds like a blast, but my parents are taking us shopping for the weekend so I can 'get a college appropriate wardrobe.' Going to Mall of America. Maybe the next weekend?
Kala: Can't. Coworker took off for a wedding. The next wknd?
Me: I kind of have something planned that weekend. The next one?
Kala: T said you'd put up a fight about going out on the 17. Why?
Me: Just sort of a personal tradition. No big deal.
Kala: Come on! I'm the odd one out. Am I allowed to know?
Me: It's no big deal. It's the anniversary of my coming out. Like my own little personal holiday for self reflection. It's silly.
Kala: Not silly! God you're amazing. I love how introspective u r. If you want ur privacy, I won't push. The next wknd?
Me: Sure! Sorry I've been so MIA. I've been a bad friend this summer. I'm lucky you guys stuck by me.
Kala: Don't be silly. You went through something rough. Just glad ur healing. Was really worried.
Me: I know, sorry. It still hurts, Kala.
Kala: I know. Just know we luv you.
Me: I do. I love you guys, too.
Kala: Gnite.
Me: Good night.
After drying a couple of tears that had formed and making sure my eyes looked normal, I walked over to Kristy's room. She and DJ were on her bed eating popcorn and watching TV. They were both wearing PJ's and were ready for a peaceful sleepover. They looked surprised to see me.
"Hey ladies. Whatcha doing?" I tried to ask casually. Both girls gave me their full attention.
"Watching season two of Sabrina. Wanna join us?" DJ asked. "Kristy said you liked the first season."
"Sure."
Kristy gave me a secret, embarrassed smile. DJ had no idea Kristy was taking advantage of having a friend sleep over to watch a 'scary' show.
"We can rewatch the first episode. It was pretty good. Then you won't be lost," Kristy offered.
"Doesn't matter, just fill me in."
A couple hours later we were all leaning against Kristy's headboard. I was sandwiched between them, and it felt good. We had talked, snacked, and watched TV like it was still a perfectly normal thing for me to do. As the third episode was ending, DJ spoke up.
"Kristy." She said the name like she was a teacher calling on a student. "Hottest boy in the show."
"Nick, obviously. He's gonna be a bad guy, I bet, but he's hot. You?"
"Hmm," DJ thought about her answer. "Gotta agree. It's Nick. Ani?"
"None of the guys are hot at all."
DJ laughed and elbowed me, "Hottest girl, dipshit!"
"Prudence, I guess. None of the girls really look all that cuddly, though. I'm not sure they could satisfy my needs."
"I knew it! That's who Kelly picked, too!" DJ blurted. As soon as she said it her smile dropped and both girls looked at me.
"Kelly never watched...oh. You've been...You've been talking to her?" They looked at me like they were afraid to say anything or make sudden movements. "Come on guys. Don't be like that. I'm just curious how she's doing."
I wondered what I wanted to hear. Was Kelly as miserable as I was? Was she fine? Neither answer would make me happy.
"She's okay," Kristy finally answered. "She's still really upset. She misses you." I just nodded my head, acknowledging what she said. "She also...she feels really guilty about...everything."
"She shouldn't. I don't want her to. I want her to be happy." I didn't make any eye contact as I said it.
"She really wants to call you," DJ added, "but I guess her parents are keeping tabs on her phone."
"It was a Facebook post you and Kelly were tagged in at prom that gave you guys away," Kristy added. "She said her mom and stepdad were going to have her move back anyway, but when they found out she was dating a girl, they decided to do it when they moved instead of waiting until after the school year was over. About once a week or so they let her call one of us. Not me, though, because...I live with you."
DJ spoke quickly. "I tried to convince her that she should set up a fake account on Snapchat she could hide, or call one of us when we could hand the phone to you, but she said she doesn't get a lot of privacy to actually talk, and..."
"And what?"
DJ hesitated. "She said maybe it's better this way. We told her a little about how you were taking it and...she said maybe it was better if you guys learned to function without each other. She really wants you to be happy, Ani. Do you not want us to tell you when we talk to her?"
I'm sure she asked because I had started sniffling and wiping my eyes. My stomach was tense, and I really wanted to start swearing about Kelly's mom and stepdad. I wanted to tell the girls how freaking lucky they were that they still got to hear Kelly's voice. I wanted to be mad about Kelly not trying harder to communicate with me.
In the end, though, I knew opening those doors would lead to an emotionally exhausting breakdown. It was like having a bonfire all ready to burn inside of me, just needing a spark to set it off, and I was living in a world on fire.
"No. Or yes, tell me, if it's something you think I would want to know. I want to know she's doing okay." I took a couple deep breaths, trying to control my emotions. "Can we just start the next episode, if you guys don't mind?"
Kristy started it, and both girls cuddled into me, one on each side. I held their hands in silence for a while, hoping that Kelly had someone, anyone, to give her support like I had.
* * *
"I think I'll go drop these bags off in the car," my dad said. "If you want to check out some other stores, go ahead. I'll just call you to find out where you are. Okay?"
My poor dad was reaching his limit on clothes shopping. My mom had taken Kristy, and my dad had taken me. I could tell he was dying to be done, and it's not like I needed help shopping.
"Okay. I'll hit a few more stores and text you before we meet for dinner."
"Sounds great," he said, looking relieved. "Call me if you need anything."
We separated, and I took another look around the city-sized shopping mall. Well, about the size of my city, anyway. The truth is, there was only one more store I felt like seeing, then I would probably sit somewhere and read.
I went to Ragstock because it advertised "new, recycled, and vintage" clothing. I saw online that they had a lot of old leather jackets, and I was thinking about replacing the one that I let Kelly keep. Sure, I liked the look of it, but I also wanted to have another spare for giving rides. Rizzy was still bitter that I gave 'the new girl' a ride before she got one. I made my way through the climate controlled monstrosity that is the Mall of America, and took my time trying on an assortment of denim and leather jackets.
As I was standing in front of the full length mirror trying to decide between a couple different colors of denim jackets, a girl about my age approached and stood behind me, apparently waiting for the mirror. She had beautiful mocha skin and a large mass of curly black hair that looked wet because it was so shiny. She had a thick, womanly figure with soft, exaggerated curves, accentuated by jeans with a wide black belt that rode very low on her hips, and a tight, white tank top.
I didn't realize I was staring at her in the mirror until she smiled at my reflection and said in a soft, midnight-blue voice, "Aren't you supposed to be checking yourself out in the mirror?" She had chubby cheeks that gave her smile an especially friendly look.
"Oh! Uh, yeah...sorry." It was useless to deny it. I hadn't exactly been sly. Besides, she said it in a kind, but teasing sort of way. She didn't sound angry that I was making her wait for the mirror. I put on the last jacket I had, and she stepped closer so that she was almost next to me. We considered my reflection together.
"I would go with the faded denim," she said. "It really makes your eyes pop."
"...all the wishes I haven't yet made," I heard in my head.
She was talking to me in a familiar way, as if she knew I'd be comfortable talking to her. Oddly enough, I was.
"Thanks. I think you're right." I took it off and put it with the leather jacket I had picked out. I wasn't quite ready for the nascent conversation to end, so I said, "Um, I could return the favor. Would you like an opinion on something? A second set of eyes?"
"Nah. I wasn't shopping. I was just wasting time. I'm waiting for some friends to do the escape room." So, that meant she had chosen to spend her time watching me try on jackets. I tried not to read too much into that. She adjusted her glasses on her face. They were a dark red, like her lipstick, and they made her orangish-brown eyes really stand out.
"My dad mentioned wanting to try the escape room. It's like a puzzle, right?"
"Yeah," her eyes got wide and I heard some nerdy excitement in her voice, even though it was still slow and...how to describe it? Sultry? Can a teenager be sultry? "You're in a room and you have to solve riddles and look for clues and stuff to complete a mission."
"Sounds like you've done it before. Doesn't that make it boring?"
"Well, they have different ones. I finally got some friends to agree to try the Trip To Mars scenario."
"My dad was right, he would totally love that. He's an engineer. I'll have to take him." An awkward silence ensued. "Well, I should go pay for these."
Angel: She seems nice. You should try to talk to her some more.
Devil: Yeah, see if she wants to find a place to make out.
Angel: Why would you even think that?!
Devil: Because it's been sixty days exactly since we had a girlfriend, and some affection would feel damn good!
Angel: That's not the kind of affection we crave.
Devil: Oh, it's one kind we crave.
Angel: We would probably start crying if we kissed her. You know that.
Devil: So? It's a girl we'll never see again. Perfect chance to find out.
Angel: We could also just talk to her. No harm in that. Test the water a little.
"Um, hey, if you have time before your friends get here, I was thinking about getting coffee. Do you...like coffee?"
"I do," she smiled. "I mean, I do have the time, and I do like coffee."
"Great. Just give me a second." I walked up to the counter, trying not to think about what was happening, but feeling especially self-conscious about how I was walking, standing, etc. I just assumed she was watching me. I paid, then found her waiting just outside the store. "I'm, uh, Analee, by the way."
"I'm Marissa, but all my friends call me Marzy."
"So, which should I call you?" I said, half teasing.
She gave me a big smile. "Let's go with Marzy. I'm optimistic."
Ten minutes later we were seated outside of a small coffee shop with our drinks.
"So, you live around here, I assume? In Minneapolis?"
"Eden Prairie. It's real close. How about you?"
"I'm from Preston." Her eyebrows peaked slightly. "It's a really small town in Northern Wisconsin, more towards the east side of the state." I can't be sure, but I think her mouth made a little pout.
We spent a while getting to know each other. We talked easily and had similar senses of humor. Both of us were sort of shy, and I got the feeling that we were both wondering if we were reading the other one correctly. Marzy got the nerve to broach the subject first.
"So do you have anyone special back in Preston?" Her eyes were on her coffee as she spoke, but came up to meet my eyes while she waited for an answer.
"Uh...no." I was sure she picked up on my hesitation. "I did, until recently. She moved away at the beginning of summer. It...we broke up. How about you?"
"Naw, I don't have anyone." The way she talked was growing on me. It was musical, comforting. I described it in my head as a 'northern drawl.' She continued, "I broke up with a girl not long ago, too, but it wasn't a hard break up. We both knew it wasn't working and went our separate ways. Some breakups are easier than others."
I was having pretty strong mixed emotions. It wasn't like I was thinking about trying to date Marzy. The timing and the distance were both completely wrong. But, if they weren't...would I let myself give her a chance? I still felt like I had a girlfriend, even though I hadn't talked to Kelly in so long. Just having coffee and getting to know someone felt a little like cheating.
I realized she was watching me think and trying to read my expression. Luckily, her phone buzzed, giving me a second to think of something to say. As she read the message her lips parted, her head tilted, and her shoulders slumped.
"What's up?"
"My friends are bailing on me. Our reservation is in a half hour. Oh well, at least we have more time to talk now." She was clearly disappointed, but seemed to be honest about the positive spin on it.
"How many people was the reservation for?"
"Three of us. I don't think it really matters, though. Why?"
"I have an idea."
* * *
The three of us emerged from The Escape Game laughing and high-fiving each other, proudly holding our stickers proclaiming "I Escaped!"
When my dad first caught sight of Marzy and me standing together in front of The Escape Game, he seemed hesitant. After some quick introductions and a short explanation, we started the game. It's amazing how fast people can bond when they're problem solving together, and my dad and Marzy were no exception. By the time we "escaped," nearly an hour later, we were like old friends. That's when my dad did the unthinkably unexpected. He invited Marzy to eat dinner with us.
We met Kristy and my mom at The Rainforest Cafe, and tag teamed telling the story about how Marzy had become an honorary member of the Jennings family for the afternoon. My dad excitedly recounted our adventure escaping the radiation storm on Mars while we ate. Marzy, Kristy, and I made jokes about the chattering mechanical decorations and background noises of the restaurant, which were designed to simulate eating in a rainforest. Well, at least a child's idea of what a rainforest would be like.
Marzy would make eye contact with me and smile whenever other people were dominating the conversation. It was like we were having little private "moments" even though my family was with us. I also kept getting distracted by her tight fitting tank top, and kept wondering what it would be like to run my hand over its soft material. A turquoise bra peeked out from underneath it on her shoulders, and a little bit in front. It must have had some considerable material strength, given the job it was accomplishing.
After we had eaten my dad said, "We should be checking into the hotel room soon and figuring out what we want to do tonight. Marissa, you're welcome to join us for whatever we end up doing." My dad clearly enjoyed Marzy's company. I guess once you solve faux science and math emergencies with an engineer, they consider you a friend.
"Thanks, Mr. Jennings, but I should get going. My grandma is expecting me at her house. Thank you so much for dinner."
"It was our pleasure, Marissa. It was very nice meeting you." He put his arm around the back of Kristy's chair, smiled at me, and added, "My daughters have great taste in friends."
When we left the restaurant, we said our goodbyes. Marzy was parked on the east side of the mall, and we were headed to the north side. My family started walking slowly away, seeming to have an unspoken understanding that they would give us a moment alone. It was so awkward I was practically in pain.
I decided to start. "Thanks for hanging out with us today and letting us crash your game. It was a lot of fun."
"Thank you. Your family is awesome. I uh...I really wish you lived closer. Hey, would you want to trade Snapchats? That way if you're going to be in the area, you could let me know."
"Yeah, of course," I said, getting out my phone. "And if you're ever going to be in Madison, hit me up. I should know some fun things to do by then."
After we made sure we were in each other's contacts I said, "Well, I should catch up to my family. I'll...see you later."
"I look forward to it." She turned and started walking away. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to make out with a girl so different than myself. Her body was so much thicker and curvier than the compact, firm girl I had known. Touching her hair would be so much different than what I was used to. Her hips were things of beauty as they rocked back and forth. Pangs of guilt made my stomach feel sick, and I turned away, walking quickly to catch up with my family.
* * *
"So, Marzy seemed pretty cool," Kristy said.
We were laying in our separate beds. Our parents sprang for a suite, so we had our own little room. I wondered if it was because they wanted their privacy, but I didn't want to think about it too much. I was reading on my Kindle, and Kristy was on her phone. We were tired after going to the little concert they had in the mall while our parents went out for drinks.
"Yeah." I didn't look up from what I was reading.
Kristy didn't say anything for a while. She was Snapchatting or texting someone. I didn't ask who, just in case.
"Think you'll talk to her again?"
"I don't know. I told her if she's ever in Madison we could hang out. I don't know what the chances of that are, though."
"Did you think she was pretty?"
"Did you?" I asked, a little harshly.
"Well, yeah, I guess. I mean, did you think she was pretty as in...you know...like, was she hot?"
"What are you getting at, Kristy?" I let the Kindle fall on my chest and I looked at her.
"Nothing. It's just...It was nice to see you...meeting people again. You looked like you were having fun."
"It was nothing, Kristy. Okay? I just met someone with a few common interests, we hung out, and we'll probably never see each other again. It's not something to make a big deal about, and you don't need to be telling all the girls about it. Okay? I don't need it to get back-" I cut myself off. Kristy looked at me with something like pity in her eyes and it made me angry. Embarrassed.
I turned off my Kindle, smacked it on the little nightstand between us, and shut off the light. I rolled over to face the opposite wall, and tried to will myself to fall asleep. It didn't work. Instead, I stared at the wall, watching the soft, flickering light of Kristy's phone for almost another half hour. I heard her get up to use the bathroom, brush her teeth, then fumble around looking for a charger. Once she got her phone plugged in and she finally got into bed, I thought I might be able to fall asleep. Yet, even after I heard Kristy's breath slow and deepen, I was wide awake.
My phone vibrated. I had a Snapchat notification. I opened the app, and deleted Marzy as a contact.