The villa was in total chaos and Bobby could hardly bring himself to care.
The new islander, Chelsea had sauntered in, giggled like an absolute dafty and then dropped a drama bomb about Gary and Lottie. So of course Lottie had a melt-down and Priya started a fight. Same old villa.
The other new Islander, a snub-nosed behemoth named Jakub had eye-fucked Priya, Lili, and Hope before announcing that he was there to party and dragged most everyone who wasn't in the midst of the drama to the pool. Bobby had gone along, changing into shorts and leaping in the water, eager to escape the pain of Lili's anger. And his own.
Hope was squealing with laughter as Jakub picked her up out of the water and spun her around like a top. Everyone who wasn't arguing on the lawn, or who hadn't recently watched Lili throw a wine bucket, was having a good time.
Bobby crossed his arms over the edge of the pool and rested his head on them. He was horrified by his behavior. Never in his life had he fought with a girl he'd been seeing. He'd never raised his voice or swore like that at her. He'd never said something nasty. And he'd certainly never made someone mad enough to throw things. Growing up with his mum, he hated that kind of overblown reaction. When girls were frustrated with him, he soothed them, he joked, he charmed them until they relaxed. He didn't get emotionally involved enough to get mad back.
The worst part was that he was still mad. She wasn't being fair, and she kept going on about how he'd lied to her and it didn't make any sense. And then she threw things. His chill girl. His easy-going, peace-making girl had thrown things. He didn't even know how to deal with that, and the wealth of emotions it brought up. Anger, hurt, and a touch of desire. If they'd been alone, maybe they could have simply torn off each other's clothes and worked out their anger like people did in the movies. Fucking until they stopped being mad sounded pretty good. Better than him being miserable in the pool, while she was miserable across the lawn.
Maybe the villa was making them both crazy.
He climbed out of the pool and dried off before crossing the lawn. He didn't know how to fix things, but he knew he couldn't do it from a distance.
Lucas, Rahim, and Gary were hovering near the new girl, eyeing the bubbly blonde with naked curiosity as he approached. Lottie was storming off. For the second time.
Marisol shook her head. "I was hoping I could steal you away, Lili, and give these guys a chance to talk to Chelsea." She turned and her gaze landed on him. "Oh! You too, Bobby."
"You want me to talk to Chelsea too?" Neither of them changed expressions at his terrible joke. He coughed and gestured away from the garden. "Uh, lead the way."
Lili walked stiffly beside him as they made their way to the kitchen. "This party is a total disaster," Marisol said, perching herself on one of the bar stools. Lili sighed and planted her elbows on the counter. Leaning over, her soft cleavage spilled from her top, and the purple mark on her chest, as vivid as it was earlier, distracted him from his confused feelings. She raised a brow at his wandering eyes and his face burned.
Eager to combat his churning energy, he switched on the milk steamer and set about making three hot chocolates. "Yeah, when I think 'party' I think of smiling, dancing, and maybe Noah twerking on the daybeds. That sort of thing. Which wasn't far off what was happening at the pool, to be fair. But all that arguing? I wasn't loving that." He caught Lili's eye as he said it. She gave a tiny snort.
"All the drama was bound to happen," Lili said. "New islanders always have something spicy to say. The fact that it was about Lottie just took it from a mild jalfrezi to a full-blown vindaloo." They stared at her silently and she flushed. "I've got the worst craving for Indian food," she said. "Anyway it's not like things were stable before this."
"That's the thing though, isn't it?" Marisol ran her sharp nails over the smooth surface of the counter. "It's getting to be a bit much. We're jumping from one feud to the next, and now there are two going on at the same time. Maybe it's time the sensible people tried to sort it out, you know? What do you think?"
Bobby stopped chopping the chocolate chips. "No one has ever accused me of being sensible. I'm quite offended." Marisol rolled her eyes and he smiled. "I'm kidding. I'm capable of being extremely serious. When it suits me." Lili's lips pinched and he realized that was precisely the wrong thing to joke about.
"I asked you because underneath the jokes I know you really do care about people and you want the best for everyone." Marisol shook her long golden-brown hair. "Same goes for you Lili."
"I do care," Lili said. "But honestly I'm tired of sorting everyone out. I'm just...tired." She stared at the counter, and despite his anger Bobby's whole body ached to hug her.
And maybe he could. The villa was making everyone nutty, but he and Lili were both reasonable people. Lowering the stress level for everyone could help them get back on track. And more importantly, they could work as a team and then she'd remember how good they could be together.
"This is short term pain for long term comfort," Marisol said. "The quicker we sort everyone, the quicker we go back to laughs and unlimited coffee."
"That's a very specific figure of speech," Bobby said. "But I don't drink coffee."
Marisol rolled her eyes. "Anyway, there are two different things going on right now. Whatever that was between Lottie, Chelsea and Priya, and this Noah business between Hope and Priya. I think the Nope stuff is on the backburner. Unless any obvious opportunities arise, we tackle stuff with Lottie first, agreed? That's our strategic priority."
"Yes sir," Bobby said, giving her a salute. Yes. This could work.
"Lili, will you try and get Lottie and Chelsea talking? And Priya and Lottie too. That would be great."
Lili's brow furrowed. "Why does this sound like I'm doing all the work?"
"You're not. I'll try and talk to Priya and Hope separately, and Bobby can talk to Lottie, too, and maybe Noah. Assuming that sounds good to you, Bobby."
"Not sure I trust Lottie in enclosed spaces, but sure, that sounds good to me. Though Noah...he's not happy with me right now..."
Lili's mouth tightened. "I'll talk to him."
The bitter taste of shame flooded his mouth and he resented it. "No. I'll do it," he said, his tone a little sharp. "We need to work it out anyhow." Lili shrugged and stared at the counter.
"With a joint effort, we should be able to get everyone back on the same page," Marisol said. She glanced between them. "You two are okay, right?"
"We're fine," Lili said with a tight smile.
He nodded and started the frother, drowning out his inability to answer the question.
Once the hot chocolate was frothy, he poured three mugs, topping them with cream, marshmallows, and sprinkles. "Voila! Chocolat chaud a la Bobby."
"Oh," Marisol said, wrinkling her nose. "I'm...not actually a fan of hot chocolate."
Lili gasped and dramatically pulled her mug close, as if she feared Marisol might chuck it into the bin. She looked at Bobby with giant horrified eyes and he couldn't help but to chuckle.
"Now you tell me! Who doesn't like hot chocolate?! You gonna cancel my birthday, too?" He winked at Marisol and slid into a seat at the bar beside Lili, and took a sip of hot chocolate, intentionally burying his lip in the whipped cream.
Lili laughed. She laughed. And the sound was beautiful. She reached over and wiped his upper lip with her thumb, before the smile faded and she frowned as though she'd just remembered that she was angry with him.
Well if he could make her forget her anger once, he could do it again. And maybe he could forget his own.
"Ahem, back to business," Marisol said. "Are you both in?"
Lili made a grumbling sound in the back of her throat and didn't answer. He leaned closer and stroked her jaw. "A little energy now to keep the peace long term, lass," he said. He looked into her eyes and there was so much storming in them. He wished he understood why.
She jerked away from his touch. Her light was so dim, her aura so cold, he could see little flakes of snow in it. "Fine," she said. "I'll do it. We could all use some peace."
He swallowed and gripped his mug, pulling a broad smile he didn't feel. "What a foot."
Lili's brows drew together. "Foot?"
"You know, a foot. A leg end? A legend..." Marisol rolled her eyes and Lili did too. That hurt more than the ice storm in her gaze. "Tough crowd," he muttered.
"You in or not, Bobby?" Marisol asked.
"Like a toad in a hole."
"Perfect. Let's head back inside."
Bobby looked at Marisol's untouched hot chocolate and motioned toward it, feeling tired. "Lili, take this with you and see if anybody needs it. Someone who appreciates my beautiful creations." He gave Marisol a side eye and she nudged him playfully.
Lili took both mugs and wandered off without another word. He watched her go and Marisol frowned. "Are you sure you two are alright, things seem...off."
"We're great," he said, pushing energy into the words. "It's just been a long day." He turned and started cleaning the kitchen. Marisol, clearly not wanting to get roped into helping, disappeared after Lili.
He scrubbed things much harder than he needed to, trying to work through his unfamiliar outrage. His bone deep ache. It didn't work. So he hung up the towels and headed inside.
Just outside the doorway, Noah was leaning his shoulder against the wall, a concerned look on his face. His muscled arm shot out in front of Bobby and he placed a big hand on his chest. "Don't go in there yet," he whispered.
"What's going on?"
Noah jerked his head toward the sitting area. Hope was sitting on the couch in her tiger print pajamas, glaring at Lili, who stood well away from her, both mugs of hot chocolate in her hands, her forehead pinched.
"I—I brought you some hot chocolate."
Hope snorted, clearly uninterested in Lili's peace offering. "That's all you have to say?"
"No, that's not all," she said softly. "I'm so sorry."
"Are you?" Hope huffed an angry breath. "Do you really think a meek little apology and some hot chocolate makes up for everything?"
"No. No I don't. I just wanted..." Lili's voice trailed off. She looked down at the floor and then turned and sat one of the mugs on the end table. "Here. Bobby...um, he made it for you."
Hope stared at it. "I confided in you. Told you things I haven't told anyone. And when we were upstairs I told you how much Noah meant to me and how scared—" her voice cracked, and Bobby's guilt twisted him until he thought he could hear his bones snap. Beneath all of her bluster, Hope really felt something for Noah. "How scared I was. And you didn't say a word about what Priya was planning. You looked me right in the face and said nothing. How can I ever trust you again?"
"I..." Lili tried to sit the other mug down, but her hand trembled and hot chocolate splashed out and drizzled down the sides and onto the table. "I...I guess you can't."
Hope grabbed a tissue and tossed it at her. Lili grabbed it and wiped up the mess. Wadding it up, she scrubbed it over her hands, roughly rubbing at the spots of chocolate that spattered them. "I'm so sorry, Hope. I won't make excuses. I should have told you."
"Yes, you should have. This is..." Hope's shoulders slumped. "I don't know where we go from here. I can't be friends with someone I can't trust."
Lili flinched. The tiny motion constricted Bobby's heart. "I know." She swallowed and gestured to both mugs of hot chocolate. "Um, Bobby did make those with love. You—you and Noah should have them." Her voice was so small and trembling. If his heart was constricted before, now it was in a tight fist, slowly being crushed. Lili's anger, so big and unjustified, seemed a lot more reasonable. Hope really wasn't going to forgive her the way she had him. Maybe because she expected more from Lili than she did him.
Lili headed for the stairs. Hope took a step toward her and stopped, shaking her head. She stood there for a moment, until Lili disappeared, and then grabbed the mugs and carried them to the bedroom.
"This is a mess." Noah sighed. "It was too much to expect Hope to be mature about it. She has every right to be hurt, but to call off a friendship is ridiculous. It's not as if Lili intended to hurt her. She was just stuck in a bad position. I told her to try to let it go but that just made her angrier. I really care about her, but she's exhausting sometimes."
"I'm truly sorry," Bobby said. "I never—I didn't think it would..."
"I know you feel bad. And while I don't like how you and Priya went about it, maybe Hope and I really aren't as compatible as we first seemed...I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do." He shook off his troubled expression. "How are you and Lili doing?"
"Other than going down in flames, we're doing great." He rubbed the back of his neck and gave a half-hearted laugh. "Why? Making plans to steal my girl?"
Noah smiled enigmatically, and unease skittered over Bobby's skin. "I'm going to the pool. I'll see you inside."
"Uh, you could probably answer that question," he called out to Noah's retreating form. But he didn't look back as he crossed the yard.
Fuck. That's just what he needed to worry about.
Blowing out a breath, he headed for the bedroom. Everyone was settling in for the night and it was all so...normal. Or as normal as the villa got. The new girl was chattering to Priya as she shoved clothing haphazardly into her cubby. Lottie was across the room, curled up against Gary, talking about horoscopes. Marisol and Lucas were on opposite sides of the bed, ignoring one another, and the new guy sat on his bed carefully folding his socks and underwear into perfect tiny squares, frowning at them, and then refolding.
They were all carrying on with life like the whole world hadn't imploded. And he supposed that for them, it hadn't. This was just momentary drama for everyone whose world didn't reside in Lili's smile.
He changed into his pyjamas beneath the covers, watching the stairs anxiously for Lili to appear. After a long while, when the lights were nearly out, she came down. She was back in her #CherryGate pyjamas—the clean wash must have come back—but she didn't come to bed, or even look his way. She just turned and padded out the door.
Pain dug low in his chest. He waited. And waited. Hoping she'd come in. But the lights went out. Someone started snoring like a wildebeest. And Noah tiptoed in, his head haloed by the dim outside light for a moment before he was swallowed by the darkness as he headed for his bed.
None of this was right. Lili was avoiding him, and he still didn't know why. There was something he was missing, and he couldn't keep lying in bed wondering what it was, while his heart cracked like ice dropped into hot tea. He threw back the covers. If she was sleeping outside, he was too.
He followed the endless drone of the cicadas outside, and found her on the daybed, knees folded up to her chest, staring at the pool. The wind picked up her hair and she shivered.
Dammit. He was still mad. Still confused and hurt and guilty. But none of that ebbed his desire to pull her into his arms and keep her warm.
Heat pounding, he approached slowly, as if she were a wild wounded animal. She didn't move or look his way as he sat beside her. "I'm so sorry, Lil," he said softly.
She still didn't turn her head. "Sorry for what?" Her lilting voice had that rasp it always got when she'd been crying. He forced himself not to reach for her, knowing she wouldn't welcome it.
He still wasn't fully sure what he was apologizing for. But he tried to wing it. "For Operation: Nope. For putting you in a terrible position that damaged your friendship with Hope. For making you feel like I cared about Priya more than you. For raising my voice at you and saying what I said. I—I don't have any excuse for any of it."
She whipped her head toward him. The hurt and anger in her eyes struck him like twin bolts of lightning. "Do. Better. Than. That."
He opened his mouth but nothing more came out. What could he say?
She held up a hand. "You know what, never mind. Don't bother. It was foolish of me to think that this was more than just play-acting for the cameras."
"It is more than that."
"No it's not. You said it yourself. It's far too early for anyone to be serious about each other. Or to have deep feelings. You'd be worried if one of your mates fell hard for someone so quickly." Her jaw tightened. "Maybe we'd both be happier with someone else and we just don't know it yet."
Oh. The ground went out from beneath him and he tumbled into the void. In his usual way, he'd used words like a spray of bullets, without any thought about where they might have landed. And they'd hit Lili right where she was most tender. He had told her he didn't believe in what they had.
"Lil..."
"You used me." Her voice trembled. "I can't believe I—I thought that I meant something to you. Now I feel dirty. You didn't mean any of the things you said." A tear trekked down her cheek.
Never in any of his racing thoughts had it occurred to him that he'd made her feel used. That he'd turned every meaningful word into lies for her. Nausea twisted his stomach. Panic tightened his chest. Fuck. He had to make it right. He had to make her understand.
"Lass, I'm so so so sorry." He grabbed her hand and pressed kisses to her knuckles. "I messed up. When you...when we...it meant a lot to me. So much. I'm not great at talking about feelings. But I never meant to make you feel that way." The ache behind his eyes alarmed him, but he couldn't stop to examine it. He had to fix things. "I wasn't thinking when I said that stuff. I was angry. I was talking about them. I don't think that way about us. I've never felt like this before. That's the truth. You're the most amazing, smart, kind-hearted, gorgeous girl I've ever met. I don't deserve you. I don't. And I feel like any second you're gonna see that and dump me and it scares me. Because it wasn't just...it wasn't just sex for me. It was beautiful and overwhelming and—"
She pressed her palm to his mouth. "Bobby. Stop." He nodded, searching her wide eyes. Her face softened and she slid her hand to his cheek. He leaned into her touch, desperate for her grace. But she pulled away, her tender expression hardening." I understand that feelings are hard for you. They're hard for me too. But that doesn't change anything. You can be sorry all you want. It doesn't change the way you treated me today. Or the way you made me feel."
He trembled in the cold of her dim light. "Please," he whispered. "Please don't." He wasn't sure what he was even pleading for. They weren't really dating. They were just two people smashed together by a silly show that wasn't supposed to matter. Except that it did. It mattered more than anything ever had.
"What were you angry about?" she asked quietly.
"What?"
"You said you weren't thinking when you said that stuff. That you were angry. Why?"
He looked down at the bedding. "I heard Hope and Lucas talking about things. About you."
"Talking about me?" She pulled a face. "What'd they say?"
"Lucas thought you were going to pick him at the recoupling. That you gave him signs. He said he was the right choice for you and that you were only with me because you want to win and you don't want to look bad to the public by dumping me because the audience likes me."
She huffed an infuriated breath. "I never fucking said that. Or hinted at it. I told him plainly that I wasn't interested because he wasn't my type and even if he were, I was happy with you."
Was. The word burned like dry ice. "Hope agreed that he'd be better for you."
"She would say that. So, you were mad at them?" She raised a skeptical eyebrow. "I don't understand how this translates to Operation: Nope."
"I don't—" he rubbed at his face. "They talked about how they knew each other before the show and Lucas started asking her about Noah and she wasn't...The way she talked, it sounded like she was using Noah. And then they kissed. Or he kissed her. I don't know. All I could think was that she had been faking all her talk about loyalty. Like she was only pretending to care and it just...it made me mad at her." He stared down at the bed.
"No. Look at me." He forced himself to lift his head and got trapped in the storm inside her eyes. "Be honest. With me and with yourself. This whole day. Operation: Nope. Priya. All of it. Were you really mad at Hope...or were you mad at me?"
He took a shuddering breath. He wanted to say no, but the truth, truth he hadn't even admitted to himself, surged forward like a tide he couldn't stop. "Both. I was mad at you. I thought you were playing me, like Hope was playing Noah."
"You didn't trust me." She looked back toward the pool. "Thank you for being honest at least."
His tenuous hold on his emotions slipped, and he grabbed her hand. "What I said in the Hideaway, I meant it. Even what I didn't say. I meant it all. I'm scared of this. I'm scared of having it. Of losing it." The words were frightening but not as frightening as the distance between them. He bridged that space, leaning close and cupping her jaw. "I'm sorry. So sorry."
She sighed and pressed her forehead to his. The relief of that small gesture was like rain on his parched heart. Unable to stop himself, he kissed her gently. She melted into him like warm sugar, and he pulled her closer, needing that sweetness. But she stiffened and pulled away.
"I can't." She took a deep breath. "I need some time to sort this out. You make my head all...you make it hard for me to think straight. I can't let you charm your way out of this."
He stroked his thumb over her cheek with a shaking hand. He would do whatever she wanted, but distance wasn't the answer. He'd seen too much of that growing up. The fights always ended with the brutal pain of silence on the other side of a locked door. And someone on the outside, begging to be let in.
"Or you could," he said.
Her eyes narrowed. "What?"
"No. No. Not like that." He reached down and gripped her hands tight. "You have every right to be mad at me, but we could just...not. Not fight. Not be mad tonight. You could let me cuddle you to sleep and kiss your forehead and we can sort everything else out tomorrow."
Her stormy eyes softened. "I don't know..."
"You're hurting. And that's my fault. I fucked up and I can't change it. There's no way to make it right tonight. But I—It's just...I've never felt so much for anyone like I do for you. It's mad. And the thought of not sleeping beside you? I hate it. More than I hate savory cupcakes." She laughed softly, and he stroked his fingers over hers. "What I mean is, if you don't want a cuddle, I'll stay on the other side of the bed. I won't touch you. But I can't sleep without you, Lil. I just...can't." He blew out a shaky breath.
For a few agonizing seconds he thought she might send him away. But her shoulders slumped, and she squeezed his hands. "This sets a bad precedent. But I don't want to sleep without you either."
Relief, bright as a meteor shower, crashed through him. He pulled the covers back, so she could slide in, and he joined her. They turned onto their sides and looked at each other for a long moment.
"All is not forgiven," she said.
"I know." He stroked her curls. "I can put some pillows between us if you want."
"No. I—I don't want that. Not tonight." She pushed nearer and he pulled her into his arms. Not tonight. He couldn't linger on what that meant. She curled against him, pressing her face to his chest and sighed. He held her close and savored the lingering scent of her shea butter moisturizer. The softness of her hair. The shifting sounds of her breathing as she fell asleep.
He kissed the top of her head and drifted into the kind of restless slumber that may have lasted five minutes or five hours, before he awoke with a start. It was still dark out. Lili's hair was tangled around his fingers, her breath hot and even against his chest.
He exhaled, trying to slow the earth-quaking of his heart. His dream hadn't faded into ghostly wisps like dreams usually did. It was still there, sharp and excruciating as a thousand cuts. He'd walked hundreds of miles to the Isle of Skye to touch the sun. But when he got there, it was already setting, slipping away into the horizon. He raced along the craggy peaks of the Cuillin, stretching his arms as far as he could, desperate to catch the light and hold it. But the world mercilessly revolved beneath his feet, taking the sun with it. Leaving him alone in the cold dark.
Lili gave a little snore. He pulled her as close as he could, squeezing her tight, but she grumbled in discomfort and he forced himself to relax his hold.
Losing her. He was losing her. And he didn't know how to keep her.