ELEVEN
kinda sorta not okay
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It was the day of the funeral, also known as the day after Octavia fainted in the girls bathroom. While her family still couldn't get over the fact that she had fainted, she still can't believe that she let herself do it in the bathroom— of all places! Gross. And her making a big deal out of it was another thing they couldn't get over.
When they had gotten home, Octavia was seconds away from tumbling out of the car onto the road. But she pushed through until they pulled into the driveway— then she tumbled out and ran into her room. She yelled that she was fine and then locked the door so she could have some time to herself, be without hundreds of questions being thrown at her.
She went into her bathroom to take a shower, hoping to wash away everything that had been happening, to do what she had been holding back for over a week now. She cried. She bawled her eyes out. More than she ever had before. She sobbed and even her cheeks hurt from it. Her legs even started to wobble, urging her to sit down, which she did. She took a seat on the shower floor, not even caring about how gross it would be (but she would most likely care later). She pulled her legs up against her chest and hugged her body, letting herself become vulnerable.
Afterwards, she layed in bed for an hour and a half before slowly drifting off to sleep. She didn't wake up to the soft knocks from each member of her family through different periods of the day and night, or the quiet word asking if she was hungry. The food ended up not being a big deal, cause when she woke up she ate nearly four bowls of cereal.
The day that she had to put on the black dress that was hidden in the back of her closet had come quick. It felt way too short for Octavia's liking, she wished she had more time to just sit in her room and stare into a blank wall. But, of course, she went to the funeral, in honor of Hans.
When her and her family arrived, there were small groups of people standing around, waiting for the memorial. Scattered close and distant relatives that Octavia honestly can barely remember the names of. She respectfully said hello to a few adults before her and Lucas separated themselves and stood in silence. Neither of them were in the mood to say anything— that being a first.
As Octavia scanned the groups of people, her eyes landed on a huddle of teenagers— the Ducks. They all looked the saddest she'd ever seen them, which she gets, them having lost someone who was practically their coach for years. She placed a hand on Lucas' upper arm and told him she was gonna be right back. He nodded and headed back to their parents who were caught up in a conversation with relatives.
Octavia walked towards the teenagers, and ended up catching the eyes of Julie and Connie. Both girls practically sprinted over and swallowed her into a much needed hug. Sure, Shelly and Jenny were there for her and gave her everything she needed, but it was nice to have someone who was feeling the same way. Both girls lost someone too, even if they didn't have a relationship the same way, it was a relationship nonetheless.
"Octavia, we are so sorry." Julie's soft voice whispered in her ear before pulling away and Connie following in pursuit.
Octavia did everything she could to hold back the tears that started building up 8 her eyes. She didn't want to cry anymore, at least not in front of everyone, she just needed a break from it— of course a funeral wasn't the best place to do that though. "Thanks, it's great that you guys came."
"Of course," Connie nodded. "Anything for you and Hans."
Julie nodded, and then her eyes widened before she grabbed onto Octavia's shoulder concerningly. "Oh my god, I heard you fainted in the bathroom, are you okay?"
Octavia tried as hard as she could to not think back to it, and just nodded. "Yeah, nasty by the way, if you faint sometime, make sure to do it somewhere more sanitary." She tried to lighten up the subject with making a small joke about it, something that she probably shouldn't do.
Connie slightly chuckled. "Noted." Then she turned more caring and caressed the other girl's arm. "Do you wanna tell us why?"
"The nurse said it was half of an anxiety attack, but also from not eating or sleeping. I guess everything that has been happening lately has really taken a sort of toll on me."
"Okay," Julie turned around when she heard her and Connie's names being called. "We're gonna get back to the guys, come to us if you need anything, okay?"
When the ceremony started, everyone was silent except for the man speaking. If she was being honest, which she always is, Octavia didn't listen to a word that the priest said. She zoned out and just stared ahead of her in a sort of trance. She didn't)t even notice Gordon Bombay coming up and making a speech and putting a Ducks jersey on the casket.
After the ceremony, many people dispersed but the Martin family stayed together. The four of them were approached by Gordon and each given a hug. Joanna and Gordon were childhood best friends, which was how Gordon got to know Hans and got close to their family. He became like the cool uncle to Octavia and Lucas, with him being a successful lawyer and great hockey player. Whenever he was in town, he made sure to visit them and have at least one dinner— something that he wasn't able to often, making it mean all the more when he did. Lucas obviously talked a lot of hockey with him, and Octavia loved to ask him about the cases that he studied. She had never told anyone Gordon this, but she had always wanted to get into something with crime and law once she graduated. People would always say to not set her mind to something since she was only a sophomore, but she didn't care. Whether it be a lawyer or a cop, she just knew that she wanted to have something to do with it. She would always get so into hearing him talk about how he dominated in the courtroom— at least that's what he said. Whatever the case, they were close, and him coming to the funeral made everything a little bit easier.
He gave Octavia a tight hug and pressed a light kiss to the side of her head. "I heard about what happened the other day, are you feeling better?" He asked once they separated.
"Yeah, now that you're here." Octavia felt as if she had more people with her at that moment, then maybe everything would be less painful. That the stabbing pain she felt in her heart would hole back, at least for a little while.
"Hey Octavia."
Well there goes what little relief she had left.
She knew he was going to be there, with there not being any reason for him not to be. He had every right to be there and grieve for his friend— she got that. "Please Adam, today of all days, don't do this." She just didn't want to have to deal with one more boulder weighing down her back. Her back was still turned to him while her gaze started longingly at her family that was walking to the car, still deep in conversation with Gordon. Oh how she wished to be with them at that moment.
"I-I'm not. Look, you don't have to say anything. I just wanted to say that I heard about what happened and I'm glad you're feeling better, and I am so sorry for your loss." She heard his footsteps in the grass walking away and let out the breath she was holding.
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Octavia Martin hated a lot of things— biology, mint scented candles, when people kept their christmas lights up after New Years (just take them down!), cinnamon flavored gum, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, when her rubber band won't fit all the way around her hair, the unjust and biased patriarchy that determines where she stands among her fellow citizens and determines half of her life due to others unfair advantages, when people doggy ear books, etc. etc. But never had she ever hated life more than in that moment.
She had moments where she hated anything and everything around her. Her first day at Eden Hall, her second day at Eden Hall, her fourth day at Eden Hall— nearly every day at Eden hall really. The thousands of times that Octavia would have to go to Duluth for one of her brother's hockey tournaments, but that was when she was younger going through her "fuck everyone" phase. People like to say that she's still in it, but it was definitely way worse back then. All of those boring family gatherings that she had to go to where she didn't recognize anyone except that one aunt that would always smelled like smoke and the actually cool cousin that rarely showed up. She wouldn't talk to anyone even when they said "Wow, you've gotten to be a big girl!" She would just give them a weird look and walk away, going to find her dad. Her mom would brush it off saying that she wasn't much of a social person (which wasn't necessarily wrong) but her dad knew that she wasn't about to talk to people that she barely knew. So from then on, he would make up some excuse on why they couldn't go (cause he didn't want to go himself) and they ended up just sitting on the couch eating ice cream and ironically watching old black and white crime movies. Which gradually turned into unironically watching black and white crime movies.
But when she got into high school, her "fuck everyone" phase just got a whole lot worse, and Daren wasn't able to make it better with stupid movies. When the days came where Octavia or Jenny or Shelly wouldn't be feeling it at all, they would just sit in one of their rooms listening to some records and talking. The music always depended on which house they were at— if it was Jenny's house then Whitney Houston and Britney Spears with a hint of Bonnie Tyler would be blasting on repeat for hours. If they were at Shelly's house, The Police, Bon Jovi, and Journey are played until one in the morning when one of her parents would bang on the door and tell them to "go the fuck to bed." And when they were at Octavia's house, it always depended on what mood she was in. It could be Duran Duran, Guns N' Roses, Queen, or Talking Heads.
Which is exactly where they were at the moment.
An hour after Octavia got home, her two best friends were on the doorstep with mini marshmallows, twizzlers, and oreo thins— her favorites, the regular ones just have too much frosting. But this time was different than others, instead of talking, they just sat next to each other on the floor and leaned up against her bed. Their hands were interlocked with one another and Jenny and Shelly's heads were each resting on one of Octavia's shoulders. The Cure's; Friday I'm in Love lightly played in the background and all three girls were drinking Piña colada smoothies. Whilst her best friends next to her, Octavia stared at her lap, staring at the mason jar she was holding that the three of them were drinking their smoothies out of. It might seem like a weird thing, but it was strangely one of the things that she felt had sentimental meaning to her.
It was after the first fight the three girls had ever had. None of them really remembered what even happened since it was the summer after sixth grade and they were all very overdramatic twelve-year-olds. They didn't talk for a week until one day when Octavia and Shelly showed up at Jenny's house, three mason jars in hand, filled with candies. From that day on, they vowed that any problem they had could be solved with those three jars. Their problems gradually grew into just whenever they needed each other— and this just so happened to be one of those moments. For over four years the girls have been by each other's sides— Jenny's coming out, Shelly's sexist struggle through sports teams, and now what had probably been the shittiest past week of Octavia's entire life. No matter what was going to happen, these girls were going to stick by each other's sides, because that's what they do.