The ride home from the hospital was quiet. Lou was asleep and I was deep in thought about what would be next. I felt like my emotions were a mess.
I wondered what Taron thought we were to each other. We definitely weren't friends. But were we lovers?
We arrived at his place and I had even more questions. We had talked about me staying there for a while, but not forever. Only until I would find my own place. Where would that lead us?
I took the infant carrier from the car and watched Lou who was still sleeping. Taron took my bag and the rest of our things and we headed upstairs.
"Do you think we should lay her down?" Taron asked once we reached his hallway.
"I think she'll probably wake up soon because she is hungry" I glanced at my watch.
I last fed her almost two hours ago.
Taron nodded. He seemed nervous. I couldn't believe he was still in his clothes from the day of birth, which was two days ago now. But he didn't seem to mind and neither did I.
Yet I wanted to give him some time to care for himself.
"Do you want to take a shower?" I asked "I'll handle everything here. Maybe you can help me put her down after I fed her?"
Taron raised his eyebrows at me and smiled "Do I stink?"
I laughed "No, you don't"
In fact, I felt like he was more beautiful than ever.
"All right" he smiled "I'll be right back"
He looked at us over his shoulder before he disappeared into the bathroom.
As if on cue Lou started stirring. She slowly moved her hands to her mouth and started sucking. I had learnt that was a sign she was hungry.
I could watch her for hours though. She was the cutest little thing.
And thinking about how my body created and grew her was such a surreal thing.
I picked her up from the carrier and swayed her in my arms as I walked to her room. She opened her eyes and looked at me.
Her eyes were green with a hint of brown, so similar to Taron's eyes. I prayed she would keep that eye colour. It would always be a reminder of her dad.
I stared back at her as I lightly caressed her head and we sat down in one of the lounge chairs together.
"Look at your room, Lou" I whispered. "That's all for you. Your daddy made it for you"
I looked around the room and was still as happy as I was when Taron first showed it to me. It was every girl's fantasy. I really hoped Lou would love it as much as I did and I was sure she would.
For now, she just cared about sleep and feeding.
And I had no sleep and felt like a milk farm.
It was worth it though. Every split-second I spend with her seemed to last a lifetime.
I latched her on and I could feel her starting to suck. She felt comfortable and I could hear and see her swallowing. I lay my head back against the lounge chair and tried to relax. I still had to get used to this and it was painful at some times.
I had read a lot about how Lou and I would both have to get used to it. And my nipples definitely weren't used to all that sucking. They felt sore and it had me worrying I did something wrong.
I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that the baby had grown inside of me for so long and now she was here. I missed her kicking, at least in the early stages of pregnancy, but I loved to have her in my arms.
I looked up and found Taron leaning in the door way, in his grey sweatpants and white tee I loved so much, his hair damp.
I gulped. How long had he been standing there?
It only felt like a few minutes since I had started feeding Lou.
"Hey" I smiled
He walked towards us slowly and sat down on the couch next to the chair I was sitting on.
"How is she doing?" he asked quietly.
"She's thirsty" I smiled.
Then she stopped sucking and pulled away before I could hear her sigh ever so quietly.
I fixed my nursing bra and shirt.
"Apparently she is done" I whispered as I caressed her.
I looked over to Taron to find him watching her.
"Do you want to hold her?" I asked.
Taron blinked and nodded. I didn't know why he was nervous, he had held her a few times already. He was a natural.
I carefully handed her over to him and got up to get to towel.
But it was too late already.
Lou burped and spit bits of milk on Taron's shoulder.
On his white shirt.
"Oh shit" he laughed.
"Language" I smiled.
Taron met my eyes and didn't even seem to care his daughter just ruined his shirt.
"Do you think I could –" he paused "get skin and skin contact with her?"
"You know since I have to get out of my shirt anyway" he chuckled.
"Of course" I said quickly "Whatever you feel is right, I'm sure is good for your daughter"
His eyes met mine again and something in his expression changed. The fun was gone, replaced by love.
"You know nobody called her my daughter before since –"
Since she had been born.
I smiled "I know"
But he was officially a dad now. And he always would be.
I took her from him and cuddled her against my body as I watched Taron get out of his shirt. Holy hell, I felt like the floor was spinning as I glanced at his bare chest.
These muscles.
That chest hair.
I had to gulp or I would have started drooling.
I took Lou over to the changing table and undressed her, except for her diaper.
I could feel Taron standing next to me and I could barely catch my breath.
"How do you know what to do?" he asked.
I shrugged "I guess it comes natural"
I didn't find it hard to dress and undress her at this point.
I stepped to the side a bit so Taron could pick her up. I watched his strong arms as he held her to his chest. I tried to put not too much attention to her against his bare chest.
My daughter and her daddy.
I focused on folding Lou's clothes even though there wasn't much to fold as I could hear Taron whispering sweet things to our daughter.
My knees were getting weaker.
Then I had the courage to look over to them, Taron leaning back in the lounge chair with our daughter on his chest. It was how it was meant to be.
"Do you... uhm" I gulped "Do you want a blanket?"
I could tell Taron had a hard time dragging his eyes away from his daughter and looked up to me, frowning.
"Do you think she needs one?"
"Is she cold?" I asked.
He ran his hand over her tiny body and my brain thought it would be great to have a day dream about him running his hands over my body instead.
What was my deal?
"I think a blanket would be better" Taron said.
I got one from the dresser and unfolded it, laying it over them.
The corners of his mouth curved upwards. How beautiful, red and full his lips were.
"Thanks" he said absentmindly as he focused on his daughter again.
I plumped down on the couch, at a loss as I watched them.
My family.
Or whatever we were exactly.
"I think she's sleepy" Taron said eventually.
I took her from him to lay her down on the changing table and showed Taron how to change her diaper and dress her.
"You're a natural" I smiled once Lou was in a fresh onesie and her baby sleeping bag.
"How do I lay her down?" he asked worriedly as he held her.
I smiled "One hand under her head and one under her back"
He did what I said and softly and slowly lay her down in her cot, as if he was afraid to hurt her.
We both watched Lou as she stirred slightly before continuing to sleep.
Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
What a life.
I smiled.
Taron turned towards me and only then I realised he still had no shirt on.
"You're a great mom" he whispered.
My eyes met his and I could feel tears filling my eyes.
How was I so emotional lately?
"Thanks" I smiled, trying to keep the tears at bay.
Taron took a step closer "I mean it"
He caressed my cheek.
I let out a breath. I just couldn't resist him.
Not anymore. Not after I saw him with our daughter like that.
I gulped "Should we talk about – about what happened?" I asked quietly.
Taron frowned "What do you mean?"
I looked down, not seeing my shoes because my belly was still huge "That kiss"
"Milly" he sighed my name.
And I shivered.
I felt his hand under my chin and he forced me to look up at him.
I was falling so hard for him when I did, his eyes full of love and worry.
"I want us to be a family. A real family"
I couldn't catch my breath.
"What do you mean?"
I needed to know. I needed to know the truth.
He shrugged lightly "That kiss was natural. And overdue"
I was drowning in his eyes and I couldn't agree more.
"I have felt this way for a while and seeing you being that strong woman you are, delivering our daughter and the way you care for her now –" he gulped.
He stole the air from my lungs. I didn't even realise I was still breathing.
"What do you say?" his voice was quivering.
I kept staring into his eyes when his brows furrowed. His eyes were so green in this light.
Did he really doubt I wouldn't want what he wanted?
I wanted nothing more.
I smiled "I want us to be a family. Hell, I want nothing more"
Taron smirked "Language"
I smiled back and he put his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. My body met his and I was so relieved.
I was home. With my family. Literally and figurately.
Taron cupped my face in his hands and my breath hitched.
We stared at each other for a while and neither of us moved. And I knew that was the moment I fell for him all the way.
I had loved him before, but this – knowing he felt the same way and he wanted this as badly as I did – had my body going into overdrive.
"I want to kiss you again" I breathed out.
He closed his eyes in a long blink before he answered "Then kiss me"
I leant in to him ever so slowly, afraid, but he closed the distance between us.
This time there was no hesitation and no distraction. He pulled me even closer and my hands went around his neck as our lips moved against each other.
I felt dizzy as we both poured all the pend up love into the kiss. His hand went through my hair and I sighed as my hands travelled down his back.
I opened my mouth and his tongue pushed in without any hesitation.
This felt so good. I could feel my knees giving in but Taron held me upright.
I moaned against his lips and I could hear him groaning.
We both needed this.
And we finally were where we both belonged.