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The sadness will last forever
- Vincent Van Gogh
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Elio felt lost.
The winds blew gently. The sun had set, yet the light was there. The surrounding that was beaming with the bright rays till a few seconds back, had now lost all its attraction and serenity. A raging storm had come, and took away the girl with it. All that was left now was a strange dullness and painful memories.
The place seemed to have been absorbed in the sound of silence. A silence left after the wrath of a storm. A silence that didn't offer comfort, but caused a certain feeling of oppression and...emptiness. It was as if the mountains were replaced by a land which resembled a...grave.
Elio was sitting on his knees, his hands hanging by his side. His face was devoid of any expression, but inside him a strange heaviness was filling in that tightened his chest. He tried to process what he saw just now, but his brain seemed to have shut down.
He felt breathless, as if he had been running for long. The deafening silence around him was threatened to engulf him.
Elio tried to stand up but his legs refused to obey him. Rather his whole body refused to comply with him. He was breathing but it seemed he wasn't alive.
Though only a few minutes had passed only, it felt like hours as he sat there, trying to gather himself and regain his physical strength. His thoughts were all quite blurry, doing very little to help him get out of his unresponsive wakefulness.
As he curled his fingers into a fist, Elio felt something in his hand.Turning his fist upward,he opened it.
A paper was there, crumpled and folded from the pressure of his fingers. The paper held something inside its fold. It didn't strike Elio how the paper came in his hand. His movements seemed as those of a person carrying out some commands.
Slowly as he opened the paper, a pendant caught his sight. The light of the sun shone across it much like a moonlight would caresses an ocean at night. Her moonstone pendant.
An image cropped up in Elio's mind - a young girl wearing this pendant, laughing and smiling to her heart's content, and her beautiful face reflecting the innocence of her soul. A time when life, if not better, was easier.
Elio shut his eyes tightly. And like a video replay, the whole incident that happened at the cliff occurred in a flashback in his mind.
"IGNIS!"
Elio frantically opened his eyes as he recalled everything. He stood up and walked closer to the edge, not bothering the fact that he was putting himself in the similar dangerous situation.
"IGNNNNISS!"
He called out loudly, but all that that returned to him was the echo.
He looked down the cliff. Up to a certain extent, the mountain rocks were visible but below them, all that came in sight was the canopy of the trees and darkness caused by them.
"Ignis...Ignis....she might be hurt. She might be in pain. I have to go. I have to find her. She needs me." Elio said to himself while turning back. He safely kept the pendant and the paper, without reading it, in the pocket of his jacket. Maybe Ignis would ask for them later. He thought.
He was desperately in search of the hope that was long lost already.
He was shattered. He was in pieces. Ignorance would only let him escape from the reality for sometime. Eventually after this, he would have to face a truth which would change him forever; a truth so indomitable and harsh than the present situation that it could possibly ruin Elio if he dared to go against it.
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Few weeks later...
Elio
"I will sing the song that we used to sing a lot earlier .The song that became ours. "
"As you say, Your Highness!"
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just in your
Wildest dreams"
.
.
.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For being in my life, for making the world a more bearable place to live in. Thank you for everything."
.
.
.
You wanna go away from me?"
"You never know. We have high dreams, thinking of doing this and that, but in reality, I guess, Life has got other plans for us."
.
.
.
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just in your
Wildest dreams"
.
.
.
What if I had actually fallen off the cliff, Elio?"
"What?!"
"I mean if you weren't here, I would have slipped down to my death."
The mountains look beautiful. It would be a blessing to die here. What more could I wish for than this?"
.
.
.
Ignis took Elio's hands in hers and softly said,"I know we had promised not to leave each other, but...but I have to go away from you. There's no way back now."
And then,like the air, Ignis started to fade away.
Goodbye Elio.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I sat up on my bed, sweating profusely as I looked around myself. It was dark but I could figure out that I was in my room.
Nightmare.
Another nightmare.
Another fucking nightmare!
I took up the bottle kept on my night stand and chugged down some water to my heart's content, as my throat desperately cried for it.
My body felt hot suddenly, evident from the fact that anger was burning me from inside.
My glance fell on the frame on the night stand that was visible in the light entering from the window.I felt another wave of frustration surging up. And without thinking twice, I shoved it away. The frame fell on the ground and the glass cracked, distorting the image of Ignis inside it. Not sparing a second glance at it, I got up from the bed and started pacing around my room.
It's been going on for weeks like these. Memories of Ignis were haunting me from day to night, not giving me the slightest peace even for a second. Ignis' absence had not only left a void in my life and heart, but it was turning me into someone I had never known, never seen. A person who didn't care for anyone, who didn't give a shit to anyone around him, not even to his family.
Who was I without Ignis?
And what would I do without her?
She slipped and fell down. I had been telling everyone that what happened that day was an accident, not revealing that in reality Ignis had committed suicide. But then, I have had forced myself into believing the same lie, constantly telling myself that Ignis was...no no no, she is a strong woman who never gives up. She had fought back every time life had thrown her in a difficult situation.
Then what happened that day? What triggered her to commit suicide? Even if she felt like dying...could she not have once told me about it? These thoughts are suddenly making me realise that I was so alien to her thoughts. As if I never knew her. Life had never been easy on her; neither was it on anyone else. But Ignis was never the person to give up on life. Then what must have happened then? I asked myself as I went out to the balcony to see her...the Moon.
The moon. Her moon.
Being an astrophile, she knows all about moon, stars and all those bullshit. No no sorry, not a bullshit. Well, they used to be something like that, but now, I guess this is my world; at least for the fact to feel the closest to Ignis.
Her favourite celestial body in the universe was the Moon. The fucking Moon, out of all the cool stuff (those actually makes me be interested like the black holes and Multiverse).
Yes, she too believed those, but the Moon struck her in a way that nothing else did; not even me I guess, as I have a little laugh to myself. But it was a short-lived happiness; as this seemed to be my reality check. Probably I never made her feel better I guess.
I looked up towards the moon. It was a full moon night I guess, probably that's why the moon looked so big and full, and it did shine with the most beautiful reflection of the sun's light. I did agree that it was a mesmerising sight indeed. I remember, Ignis would always get up at 4am, just to watch the night turn into the dawn of Hope, the sunrise, and her Moon, although slowly fading away, but would still shine with the brightest light. She would also sometimes wake me up too to watch it, even though I had no interest in it whatsoever. Therefore, I would just get up, for her sake, and then watch my Moon as she watched hers. But it seems like the sunrise I had been waiting for, turned to a sunset I never expected, which slowly took the light out of me, to be engulfed by the night again.
Suddenly a strong feeling of regret gripped me. I shouldn't have thrown Ignis' picture like that. If anything, the picture had given me the comforting reassurance in these last few days that Ignis is here with me.
I walked back to the room and looked at the parts of the frame that lay scattered on the floor. Through the broken glass, Ignis was smiling at me. Without my will, my lips curved into a small smile to return her the affection.
I bend down and carefully took the picture out of the frame and cleaned the bits of glass that were stuck to it. For a moment, I felt at peace with my soul, as I took in the beautiful sight of the girl I used to love. No...the girl I was still in love with.
But nothing lasts forever.
Therefore, my peace was also short lived as I dawned upon a realisation. There is a thing-people often try to convince themselves that everything is fine, everything will be alright again. Just like in other cases, this difficult time will also go away. But deep inside, they know they are giving themselves a false hope. Because these difficult times don't always go away; sometimes they stay back with us forever. It's rather us who grow used to it and to the pain inflicted on us.
I guess I was living in this same hell for a few days now. I didn't want to believe what my eyes had shown me or what my mind had understood; constantly thrusting myself in a state of denial and isolation.
But with every passing day, my dreams started mocking me and put up in front of me all those questions to which, I have had no answer.
And slowly and slowly my pain, confusion and anger were building up inside, taking a dangerous form with time. After all I couldn't deny the truth for long - Ignis had left me forever.
Intentionally.
I decided to look out for my answers. Sliding the picture between the pages of a book kept on the night stand, I quickly took the keys and left the room.
It was 2 o'clock in the morning. But it hardly mattered to me. I have been deprived of sleep for quite long now. Or rather, sleep deprived me of the chance to escape from the reality, constantly troubling me with the nightmares, nearly every night.
But the funny thing now was that, I didn't need to close my eyes to see the disturbing memories of a particular day or of my past. Because now, I was being haunted by the ghosts of these memories even when I was awake.
I will definitely find my answers today. I thought before striding over my bike and turning its engine on.
It didn't take me more than 20 minutes to reach my destination. Alighting from my bike, I walked towards the house in front of which I parked the vehicle. This house...it held so much memories. Memories of good times. Memories that reminded me that Ignis was mine. But now, any such remembrance of Ignis has only one thing to offer me - pain.
I took a deep breath and unlocked the door with the spare key Ignis left me with. As I slowly entered the house a familiar odour welcomed me.
Strawberries with a tinge of mint.
The combination of two contrasting fragrances. That, which oddly defined Ignis.
Walking inside her house, I felt overwhelmed. Her smell, her place, everything suddenly made me feel suffocated. Suffocated by the thought that I was never able to have that person with strawberry and mint fragrance, who, when would look at me from a distance, would approach me quickly engulfing me with her small and petite self in a tight, bone-crushing hug. I looked around the place with a blurry vision and tried to absorb the view of the room so that I could picture it clearly in my mind when I am not here.
The living room and the kitchen were spick and span, giving one the impression that Ignis was quite a neat freak. She was...to some extent. But her lazy ass often convinced her otherwise and then her rooms would be left half-messed, half-arranged. Sighing deeply at these recollections, I turned away and took the stairs to go to her bedroom.
A familiar sight waited for me as I stood at the doorframe of her bedroom. The desk on the right side was neat and tidy, with all the pens, pencils being stacked in the stand. Beside the desk was a cupboard full of books, orderly kept and arranged. After noticing the tidiness of this part of the room, when one's glance fell on the rest of the room, they would be disappointed at the look. The bed was quite in a mess and the stool near the dressing table had a few clothes stacked on it.
So typical of Ignis.
I thought as I went into her room. As I said, she had this thing in her - she wanted everything organised, clean but often laziness ticked in her, assuring her that a half-organised room was enough. The bed and clothes could be taken care of later; eventually taking an eternity up.
The unvarying surrounding made me feel for a second as if Ignis would enter the room, looking surprised and would come up and hug me tightly. Like she usually did whenever I used to give her surprise visits. I looked towards the door for few seconds. But no one came in.
I turned my gaze away and closed my eyes, stopping the already welled-up tears.
No. I cannot let myself deviate from the task I have come to do. To find my answers. And the only thing that could help me in my search was Ignis' diary. The diary where she wrote down all her feelings and shared all her secrets. The diary that was not allowed to be read by anyone, not even me.
I rummaged in the shelves to search for the diary. Books on Astronomy, on Physics along with Fitzgerald, Austen and Hardy, and thrillers -the cupboards contained only subject books and story books.
Shifting my attention to the study table, I noticed that the table had only the laptop on the top and a few sheets of paper. No sight of the diary at all. I saw there were a few small drawers at the lower section of the table. Quickly I bend down and started rummaging through the journals and other copies kept there. But still there was no sign of the diary.
If I have to search the whole house for the diary I would, but I would not give up.
I raided the room as much as possible to find that goddamn thing, when suddenly something struck in my my mind and I stopped in my trail.
Wardrobe.
Girls usually keep their prized possessions there and the diary was no less valuable than a diamond to Ignis. Maybe she had kept it the wardrobe somewhere.
Walking upto the wardrobe, I held the door handle for a second and opened it hoping that I would find the diary here. The doors weren't locked, quite obvious as Ignis lived all alone in the house.
Quickly pulling the other door open, my eyes searched for a lavender colored cover amidst the clothes.Hangers, dresses,purses.Quilt covers in the lower section, and more clothes. As I was moving on to the next lower section, I saw that the stack of clothes in the left corner was arranged weirdly.It was covering something.
I quickly put that stack elsewhere,my gaze still fixed there.The sight then caught me off guard. There was around 3-4 diaries but none with the lavender colored cover, the diary she was using that of lately. When I looked at the other section of the wardrobe, a similar vision presented itself before me. Confused which one to start with, I took all the diaries out and piled them up.
As I was impatiently assembled them, the high tower of diaries suddenly lost the balance and fell all over the place.
"Not now."
I said as I rolled my eyes. This is the last thing I wanted to happen. None of these diaries was the one I was searching for.
Stopping for a break, I looked around the place- some diaries open and some closed. Strangely,the entry date of one of those diaries caught my attention.
2007.
Something struck a chord in my mind. That was the year when I met Ignis. Yes. The first time I came across her. She was a beauty indeed. A flawless beauty.
Her blue eyes, sharp cheekbones, and the wavy cascade of hair had immediately made me submit to her; to her soul. As if she was Satan, and I, her obedient slave.
Carefully I bend towards over the other diaries and took that particular 2007 diary in my hand and sat on the floor.
Turning through the pages I came across a particular entry. I looked at the top corner of the page. It was the day we first met.The day when Life got a life for itself.I was like a wanderer in an ocean full of miseries, and when she came as the beacon of hope, I knew at least how to swim through them.
In beautiful cursive letters, it was written -
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Photo credits:
Instagram: vodkavelvets
Instagram: muhammedsalah_
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