Savanna
Just as I pull off the freeway, my phone rings. I press to answer on the hands-free mic, already knowing who's calling even though I didn't check. The Air Supply ringtone is our little inside joke because we're all out of love and so lost without each other.
"Hey, honey, I'm not going to make it to dinner tonight," I tease Jen like I usually do.
"Right, babe. I figured that out when you bolted as soon as the bell rang. What kind of work wife are you anyway?"
"The kind with a long drive home."
I turn into the hospital parking lot as I drop the little white lie to Jen. I do have a long drive home. I just don't mention the detour I'm making on the way.
"Ah, hon, that's why you need to let me pamper you with food and girl talk. So much better than driving in traffic, right?"
"Your cooking has never tempted me, Jen," I laugh. Her cooking has been a long running joke with the entire staff considering she regularly burns her lunch in the microwave. "Besides, I spent all of Friday night barhopping with you. That should fulfill my wifely obligations for at least a month."
I park the car just as I finish joking with Jen and start to gather my keys and bag full of papers to grade. But my response is met with silence for long enough that I hesitate to get out of the car right away.
"What?"
I hear Jen release a deep breath before answering. "Speaking of our girls' night out, I have a bone to pick with you."
Great. I had a feeling this chat was coming. Jen was not happy with my mood on Friday, or the fact I snuck away earlier than planned on Saturday morning.
"Pick away." I might as well rip the Band-Aid off. After all, I am about to head into a hospital.
"You haven't been yourself lately. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but if someone asked me to describe a zombie, you'd be the first thing that came to mind."
"Sheesh! Harsh, much? I haven't been that bad! I do put on makeup and brush my hair."
"True. You aren't tattered and torn. But you aren't exactly present either. Your mind has escaped your body and gone on some kind of vacay without you."
Jen has a point. My mind has wandered away, but not on any type of relaxing vacation. It's firmly planted in room 501 of Mercy Hospital and has been ever since I first laid eyes on Brax. Even his irritated interrogation on Saturday afternoon didn't serve to evict his presence from my thoughts.
Since the moment Brax sped by on his bike, the force of him caused a ripple in my world, in my very existence. I've been off-balance, wrapped up in questions about this mysterious stranger. Even now he's woken up and is making strides toward recovery, I feel a pull into his atmosphere, drawn to someone I don't even know. His angry regard as he stared me down in that hospital room left my nerves raw.
And yet there was a moment, so sudden and brief I'm not sure it truly happened, when he looked at me with something other than darkness. Something lit up inside of him so strong I could almost feel it. It was all I could do to keep my hand from reaching toward that light of what could only be described as hope.
But almost the instant it rose in his eyes, the veil fell back over it, gone. Brax's sharp edges made a rapid return, and I made a hasty exit. The only reason I'm going back now is because Denise insisted I show up. I'm nervous about which Brax I'll meet today, but the fact his dark side was the one that first greeted me, and the one that chased me out of the room, pretty much answers that question.
"This is exactly what I'm talking about, Savanna. I know you're still there. I can hear you breathing." Jen's voice brings me back to reality.
"Yeah, I'm still here." I sigh as I look up at the hospital entrance. Today marks the fifth time I've been to visit, but only the second time Brax will interact with me.
"Promise me you'll talk to someone about this. I mean, if you aren't going to spill your guts to your work wife, you need to talk to somebody. Whatever it is, you know I'm here for you."
I close my eyes just before stepping through the entrance doors. This is why she's my work wife. This woman has been a rock for me no matter what, and that isn't changing anytime soon. She is right on so many levels. I need to talk to her about this because even I don't understand my obsession.
"I know you are, Jen. I couldn't ask for a better friend. And we will talk. Soon."
We say our goodbyes, and I head into the lion's den.
***
After signing in at the main nurses' station, I take a deep breath and enter Brax's room just as he's shoving a tray of mostly uneaten food away from his table.
"Who could stomach this crap?" he says in a gravelly tone before noticing me.
Denise said being intubated caused sensitivity to his vocal cords, but it would improve in time. Strangely though, I find myself drawn to the rough sounds of his voice.
I clear my throat in an effort to calm my nerves. It doesn't help, because Brax hears me and looks up. He says nothing. I stand in the doorway and stare back at him, a silent game of chicken to see who will go first.
I lose.
"Hi." I couldn't take the standoff.
Brax continues looking at me, letting his eyes slide from mine slowly down my body before moving back up, but he says nothing.
I take another step into the room, causing him to raise an eyebrow. It must seem like a bold move on my part.
"How are you feeling?" I hitch my bag on my shoulder and eye the reclining chair across the room. "Do you mind if I sit?"
Brax does nothing other than subtly shift his jaw. But when I continue toward the chair, he averts his gaze back to his discarded dinner tray.
"Food not good?"
"It's shit," he says with the same rough tone as before.
This might be my opening. I realize now that I've been hoping for one.
"Maybe I could sneak something in."
This catches his attention. Brax doesn't look over at me, but I see his brow furrow.
"Any requests?"
He hesitates for a second before finally turning his attention to me. His eyes move from mine slowly to my mouth and then down the length of my body once again. When they rise back to mine, there's a bit of a smirk on his face.
I freeze. All the air rushes out of my lungs, and my skin heats. Our eyes are locked, but the light I remember seeing in his is long gone. The only thing I see in its place is a darkness so deep I want to run in the opposite direction and never turn back.
But in this latest game of "Who Will Look Away First?", I win. Brax looks back at his tray and swallows, regret clear on his face, while I take my spot in the recliner, open my bag, and grab my yellow highlighter.
I must be crazy to stay. The smart thing to do would be to gather my things and leave. I don't know this guy or what he's capable of. But instead of doing the smart thing as I've done my entire life, I do the reckless thing and continue speaking to him.
"There's a really good Mediterranean place on my way here. I could pick up a shawarma or a gyro if you'd like." I'm quite aware of what his suggestive look and comment insinuated, but I decide to ignore it for now. My eyes remain focused on the math quiz I need to grade, so I can't see the look on Brax's face when he replies.
"Barbecue would be better." He coughs a little, his voice sounding contrite. "Ribs with a side of fries and slaw."
Now we're getting somewhere. I sense the lion within Brax has retreated, but I'm not sure what's left in its place.
I lay the stack of math quizzes on the chair as I move over to his discarded tray. I check his cup of water and see it's still full, so I hand it to Brax.
"You need to stay hydrated. That cough will add more strain to your vocal cords."
Brax sighs and grabs the cup.
"I know, worse than a mom, but it's an occupational hazard." I shrug.
"Are you studying to be a nurse?" He nods over to my stack of papers.
"No. I'm a teacher, actually. Fifth grade. I'm trying to score today's math quiz, and I'm afraid I'm going to need to review the material with them. The class didn't really get it."
Brax shuffles in the bed slightly then shoots a gaze over at me. I almost reach out to adjust his pillow but think better of it. Too much too soon.
"I sucked at math in school. It wasn't until I needed to actually use it in life that any of that shit made sense."
I return to my seat, surprised by Brax's sudden willingness to talk. "I think you're the only person I've ever met who's admitted to needing math in real life," I laugh. "What do you do?"
Brax releases a deep breath and reclines back on the mattress. His dark hair is matted down, and his face is still several shades of yellow and green from the bruising, but the main bandage that was around his head is now a smaller patch.
"All kinds of stuff, not really one thing. I've done construction, demolition, sometimes worked as a mechanic. Whatever I can find when I need something. When I'm in one place long enough."
With my eyes on my grading, I prod a little more. "Do you move around a lot?"
Brax is quiet for a second or two before answering. "I did. When I was twenty-one, I got it in my head to go on the road. Stopped in some small town whenever the road got too much and picked up some jobs for cash."
"How long did you travel?"
"Three years. Saw most of the country. Nothing stuck though." Brax stops talking, taking another sip of the water.
"Did you have a favorite town?"
"Not really. The places all look different, but everywhere I went was basically the same. People just trying to get by."
Silence stretches between us for a few long minutes, neither one of us adding anything. But eventually, Brax is the one to break it.
"Been in one place too long for my liking now." I glance up to catch him looking around the hospital room "Looks like that ain't changing anytime soon."
I don't immediately respond. For some reason, he's more open right now, and I don't want to bring the lion back out to snarl at me.
Once again, Brax is the one to break the silence. "What about you? You've got to have better things to do than hang out in some guy's hospital room."
I shrug. "Not really. I teach all day, trudge through the long commute home, then spend the evening with the dust bunnies I don't have the energy to get rid of." God, I sound pathetic.
"Nah, you don't sound pathetic. Just stable."
"Jeez, I really said that out loud?" If I weren't so mortified, I'd laugh. The fact Brax doesn't sound as if he's teasing me gives me a little comfort. In fact, he almost sounds envious.
"You didn't really say it—more like mumbled. But I didn't fuck up my hearing, apparently."
I look up at him to find what might be the beginning of a smile. Our gazes freeze for a few seconds, and I wonder what happened to the smug innuendos he opened with today. It's as though an entirely new person is looking back at me. I feel brave now he's almost smiling.
"Would you mind then, if I come back tomorrow? I could bring some of that barbecue with me. Sneak it in my teacher bag."
Brax doesn't return my smile. Instead, he looks back to his open door, shakes his head, and says, "Why not? It's not like I've got anywhere else to be."
Not a resounding yes, but I'll take it. Whether he believes me or not doesn't matter. I really don't have much to go home to, and now Brax is talking to me, I've got an even stronger urge to return for another visit.
"Perfect." I turn back to my grading. I have a feeling Brax already said more to me than he says to most people, so I decide to leave it at that. If he feels like talking again tomorrow, I'll be sitting right here next to him.