Sunlight slapped me in the face and it felt as if I had a nasty hangover, and then it all came rushing back to me in a swirling mess of pain and choking grief.
When Ryan died it was like I lost a piece of myself that I didn't realize made me whole until it was missing.
We had the same blonde hair, same blue eyes, even the same smattering of light freckles across the bridge of our noses, and everyone swore we were twins growing up even though he was a year older than me.
After Sawyer basically threw me out of his life; he started hanging out with Ryan more and more since he was popular and good at football and basketball, elevating his social status in the school—not like he really needed it.
Sawyer had his own band and basically ruled the school the last year that I went there, and once I left, so did he—for L.A.
I'd been in that band before...
I snapped back to reality and started to gather my things when Amy's voice pulled me out of my reverie.
"No no, don't do that. Yeah, I'm sure it'll all work itself out in the end. Don't say that! You don't know what all they've—yeah, yes. Yes, okay I get it. I'll see you soon? Okay, awesome. I expect the best seats in the house. Wow, okay sure. Yeah, love you too, see you in a bit. Bye."
I knew exactly who'd been on the other end of that phone call, but I wasn't about to inquire with her about it. We'd set our ground rules for our friendship and talking about her brother had clearly been tagged as 'off limits'.
"Hey you're up. How you feeling?"
I eyed her cautiously as I grabbed my bag that they must've picked up for me post-mental breakdown.
"I'm alright. I need to get ready for class," I told her and made my way to the door but stopped halfway to ask her something else.
"Who called you before my mom messaged me in the diner about my brother? I'm sure you all know by now what happened, I heard you talking about it."
"Oh, umm well I didn't think you'd want to know because of our rule of not talking about him..."
"Sawyer called you right before my mom told me about the exhumation? Now there's a big coincidence. What did he want?"
"Felicity..." she began in a tone filled with warning.
"No, I wanna know how he has the privilege of knowing my private family affairs before I'm even aware of it! My mom had just gotten off the phone with the detectives! Why does he have the right to know-"
"Because I was the one who hired the private investigator who gave the police their tip in the first place."
His voice sent shivers trailing down my spine and it was all I could do to not turn around and slap him in the face.
I kept my back to him, fists clenched at my sides as I pushed the words out of my mouth.
"And does that ease some of your guilt then? You think you'll help out with the investigation, and balance the scales and all is right with the world now?"
"Fuck, Liss. You know why I did it."
My vision grew hazy as the tears sprang to my eyes but I tried so hard to push them down, refusing to cry in front of him again. He couldn't see me at my weakest.
"You don't get to call me that anymore."
"Maybe not, but I didn't hire the PI to help my guilt. I did it for Ryan, and for your family. For you."
His voice was so rugged and sharp, cutting me to my core.
Amy was a blob of a person from my teary vision but I could tell she was trying to come towards me to comfort me but I quickly put up a hand to stop her.
"I trust your word as much as a used car salesman's."
A gruff chuckle and then a sharp intake of breath. I closed my eyes imagining him running his hands through his hair in frustration like he always used to, the dark strands tousled somehow messily but still perfect at the same time.
"Fine, don't believe me, I don't care. Just like always, it's all about what Felicity wants, it's your world and we're just living in it. Noted."
My nostrils flared as a hot flash of anger sparked throughout me.
I turned around then, not caring about the tear tracks on my face, the bed head or even the bags under my eyes from crying myself to sleep. I had to look him in the eyes when I said what I had to say.
"You made it crystal clear whose world we were living in the moment you decided you were too good for me and latched onto Ryan like a leech. I wasn't valuable to you anymore so you dropped me the first chance you got even though I was your best friend growing up, the person you told all your secrets to, all your hopes and aspirations. But you decided you wanted acclaim and power and status more than you wanted a true friend, I guess. And you took Ryan down with you. He was with your band when it happened. There's so much about that night that you don't know about...things you'll never have the right to know about because I won't allow it."
Deep breath, an imperceptible shake of my head, and then I continued.
"How does it feel that I have something over you instead of the other way around? Does it hurt? I hope it fucking kills you wondering what really happened. Now get out of my way before I show you just how much stronger living in your world has made me."
I thought I saw a flash of sympathy and confusion breaking his tough as a rock exterior but he maintained his glare and let me walk past, and I regretted every step my feet took me away from him.